Chasing Starlight - Chapter 14 – Tread Lightly

A/N: As always - thank you for reading! I hope you're enjoying this angsty little bit. :) BTW, I've been refreshing the chapters as I slowly add them to AO3. Same pen name. Also, I put up some drabbles on there that aren't here!

The moment the door to Shepard's cabin swooshed shut, she flung herself onto her bed and began pounding into her mattress with tiny pale fists.

How could you be so stupid? He was only trying to help.

The tears began to flow rapidly, swelling over her bottom lids and dripping down her face.

He's right you know. Your actions today weren't like you at all.

Evelyn's breath hitched in her throat and she coughed as she continued to sob, her mascara leaving a dark trail of evidence down her cheeks.

And if things had gone wrong, he could have ended up dead because you weren't thinking clearly. What kind of a commanding officer are you, anyways?

Her lamentation continued awhile longer, ugly and full of mucous. She cried so hard that her head began to pound. Once her weeping finally subsided, Evelyn grabbed her N7 glass and bourbon, pouring herself a double shot. She threw it back and poured a second without hesitation. The whisky burned as it traveled down her throat, leaving the desire for more as it trickled down. Evelyn knew she was a light weight and would have to slow down unless she really wanted to hate herself tonight, so she sipped the second glass as she reluctantly began writing up the reports from the heinous mission earlier that day.

The steel door slid behind Kaidan as he left Shepard's quarters. He gulped, looked down, and started to walk away, thinking what the hell just happened?

Before his train of thought could continue, he ran smack into another small-framed marine. "Hey, LT, care to watch where you're going?" Ashley jokingly chided.

"Yeah, sorry," Kaidan replied, his voice hushed and rushed, his distracted state on full display.

Ashley looked behind Kaidan, realizing he must have just come from Shepard's cabin. "I take it you tried to check in with the Commander?"

"Yeah," Kaidan sighed. "It didn't exactly go well." Kaidan didn't want to talk about it with Ashley, excused himself, and headed up to the cockpit to see Joker. Copiloting was exactly what he needed right now – something and someone else to keep his mind busy.

Shepard hoped to hide in her cabin all night, but unfortunately the alcohol she consumed had finishing running through her; she had to use the restroom.

Evelyn picked herself up, stumbling slightly as she got out of her chair. She hadn't realized how intoxicated she was until she stood.

She peered cautiously out of her cabin and into the mess. Good, she said to herself. No one is out here.

She deftly swept through the mess and over to the women's restroom, pausing at the door. She could hear an alto voice humming inside and rolled her eyes. Shepard knew she didn't have a choice, and prayed that whoever was in there wouldn't notice or bother her.

Any hope Evelyn had of entering the bathroom unnoticed was gone the moment the door swished open, its sound piercing the silence.

"Hey, Commander," Ashley greeted as she towel dried her hair.

Evelyn knew if she spoke it would likely give away her inebriated stated, and chose to nod instead. Unfortunately, she lost her balance from the simple motion and stumbled on the wet floor as she attempted to approach the toilet.

Ashley caught Evelyn, saving her from collapsing to the ground. "Woah, woah, hey, Skipper. I've got you."

"Thanks," Shepard blubbered out.

"Geeze, Shepard, how much have you had to drink tonight?" Ashley inquired as she helped Shepard across the slippery surface and over to the stainless steel commode.

"Enough," Evelyn simply replied as she shamelessly took care of her business. She hoped Ashley would drop it there.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ash asked sincerely, her brown eyes worried and dark.

No, I don't. I don't want to talk about it. "Actually, yeah." Evelyn's voice contradicted her thoughts.

Once they were finished in the bathroom, Ashley made sure no one was in the mess and helped Shepard into her cabin. She then ducked out for a moment to grab Evelyn some much needed water, as well as a few granola bars from her private stash to share.

"You're gonna need something in your stomach, Skipper, and these are a hell of a lot better than rations," Ash stated as she unwrapped one and handed it to Evelyn.

"Thanks, Ash."

For a while the two sat in silence as Shepard hydrated herself and slowly ate the granola bar. Finally, Ashley spoke up again. "So what's bothering you more: the way things went down today, or the way a certain staff lieutenant handled it?"

Evelyn exhaled audibly. Does Ashley know something is going on between Kaidan and me?

"Don't play dumb, Shepard. I know you and Kaidan have something between you." Ashley answered her question as if she had said it aloud. "So, which is it?" She pried tenaciously.

Wetness began to well up again in Evelyn's eyes. "Both," she plainly stated, blinking the tears away, desperate to hold them back. "I didn't act like myself at all today, and when Kaidan tried to talk to me about it, I pushed him away. Why would I do that?"

"Because you're human," Ash empathetically replied without hesitation. "Geeze, Shepard, cut yourself some slack. You made a mistake, we have all done that. Thankfully, everything turned out ok."

"You're right, thanks, Ash." Evelyn sighed. "I just don't have a clue what to say to Kaidan."

Ashley chuckled. "Sorry, Skipper, can't help you there. I've never been good with men. I'm the queen of pushing them away."

Evelyn smiled and let out a chortle. The two laughed together for a few moments, breaking the tension in the room. Shepard ended the silly fit with a loud yawn.

"Should I leave you to sleep it off, ma'am?" Ashley asked.

Shepard yawned again before she could respond. "That would probably be a good idea. It seems I have reached the "drowsy" phrase of drunken Shepard." Ashley raised an eyebrow, curious. Shepard giggled and continued. "But that's a story for another time." Evelyn smiled, grateful that she had run into Ashley. "Thanks again, Chief."

"Don't mention it, ma'am. I know I won't." Ashley winked as she headed out the door.

Kaidan woke up the next morning feeling rested, but not remotely refreshed. He showered, pulled on his fatigues, and quickly devoured his breakfast, keeping his back turned to Shepard's cabin, just in case she emerged. He didn't linger in the mess hall, but instead pointedly headed straight up to the cockpit after he finished eating.

Everyone in CIC was at their normal stations, but there was no buzz of work. Instead, much of the crew was muttering, confused. Pressly shook his head and headed downstairs, passing Kaidan on his way. Joker was, as always, already in the pilot's seat, and turned around when he heard the footfalls behind him.

"Oh, hey, LT," a look of disappointment passed across Joker's face. He turned back around to face the void.

Kaidan joked lightly back, "What, no good morning?" Joker didn't laugh, causing Kaidan's demeanor to shift. "What's going on up here? Why is everyone acting so weird?"

Joker turned his head towards Kaidan as the biotic sat in the copilot's seat. "No one has heard from or seen Commander Shepard since we got back from the mission yesterday. We're just sitting here on Terra Nova, fully fueled and ready to go, but we don't know what our orders are."

An empty feeling filled Kaidan's stomach. "Oh." He simply breathed out.

Joker spun his chair, facing Kaidan entirely. "You wouldn't happen to know something about that, would you, Lieutenant?" the pilot pried.

Kaidan bumbled, trying to think of how to respond, but Ashley appeared behind him before anything coherent came out. "Oh, he totally does." She accused. Ashley patted Kaidan on the shoulder and changed her tone to a softer one. "You should go talk to her."

Kaidan scoffed at Ashley's suggestion and shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. She's the one who kicked me out last night."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "That was last night, LT. This is this morning. 'If at first you don't succeed'…"

"Yeah, yeah, 'try, try again,'" Kaidan responded, waiving Ashley off. "Alright, Chief, I'll check in with her, but if it goes south, you're on clean up duty."

"I'll take that bet," she declared as Kaidan started walking back through the CIC. "It's better than seeing you two all grumpy!" she called behind him, laughing afterwards.

By the time Kaidan reached Shepard's cabin, Pressly was on his way out. Kaidan stood at attention and gave his XO a salute. "Any updates, sir?"

Pressly politely saluted Kaidan back and relaxed his posture, indicating for Kaidan to do the same. "We have our destination. We're headed to Noveria. Should take a couple of hours to get there. Shepard hasn't decided who she's bringing with her on the ground team, yet. She said they would have plenty of time to get ready, though."

"Aye, sir," the staff lieutenant nodded, acknowledging the update. Pressly took one step forward and stopped just next to Kaidan, barely an inch between their shoulders. He looked forward as he spoke lowly. "Tread lightly, Alenko." With those few words, the navigator headed back up the stairs to his post.

Kaidan took the words to heart; he knew Pressly and Evelyn were close, and that the navigator could probably sense what was going on between the two. The last thing he needed was a superior officer becoming protective of Evelyn and aware of his relationship with her; Kaidan feared that Pressly would report them if he had even the slightest feeling the regulations were being broken and their feelings affecting the mission – or rather, their Commander.

The handsome biotic swallowed his pride, stepped up to her door, and knocked his usual three times. After a brief pause – longer than the usual – the door slid open.

Evelyn sat on the edge of the bed still dressed in her usual night clothes, her pale fingers gently rummaging through her tangled red locks. "Kaidan," she breathed, relieved. "I was hoping you would come by."

His posture relaxed as he cautiously closed the distance between them. He noted the empty bottle of bourbon and the small discoloration at the bottom of the glass sitting next to it. Evelyn rubbed her blood shot eyes before continuing to speak. "I need to apologize to you," she softly declared.

Kaidan stopped moving at her last statement. Apologize to me? He swallowed, worried. What for? Is she... is this her way of letting me down?

"You're right." She confessed, putting Kaidan at ease. "I wasn't myself yesterday. And the call I made could have gotten you killed. You have every right to be angry with me." Evelyn's eyes trailed down to her feet and she closed her eyes, nervously awaiting his response.

Kaidan hated to see her melancholy, but at the same time, her current sympathetic attitude was much more characteristic of her, which was a relief to him. She's back.

"I lost my cool, made some bad calls, acted out of character, and then pushed you away when you tried to help," she explained, filling the silence, her eyes and head still afraid to look upon his.

Shepard felt pressure on the bed next to where she was sitting and the warmth of Kaidan's body close to hers. His strong arm weighed down gently across her shoulders. His hand reached around to her face, and sweetly pinched her chin, providing just enough pressure to urge Shepard to look upon his understanding visage.

"I'm sorry I left," Kaidan conceded.

Her shimmering silver eyes met his sincere ones. "Don't apologize. I all but ordered you to leave. I didn't give you a choice." She swallowed. "I was wrong." She shook her head. "God, we even had a conversation about moments like yesterday just before deploying."

"Hey, shh," Kaidan warmly squeezed Shepard and pulled him into her chest. "It's ok. I'm not mad. You just…scared me." He caressed the back of her head, moving his rough hand over her tangled tresses.

She looked up at him, their faces close, but pulled back without kissing him. "I know." Shepard rubbed the back of her neck much like Kaidan tended to. "I didn't expect to react to seeing a batarian that way. Rather, batarian terrorists. Now that I know, I'll take steps to be more aware of my actions and do better next time. I'll learn from it."

Kaidan sighed and put his palms down on the bed, leaning back on his arms. He smiled, "that's all that matters, then." Evelyn laid back on the bed next to him, gazing at the ceiling. Kaidan moved to match her posture, supine on the firm mattress. "It sounds like you've seen some awful things," he thought out loud.

Evelyn shook her head. "'Awful' doesn't even begin to describe it." she exhaled heavily, her stomach visibly rising and falling. "Even before Elysium, I saw things. I was 16 when the raid on Mindoir happened, and the ship my mother was serving on went to try to help. The ship arrived too late. The marines got pinned down, unable to help, and forced to witness the horrors that happened there. None of them came back the same. People I knew, was close to and respected, were forever changed that day…If there had ever been a doubt in my mind about joining the Alliance before that raid, it was erased then. I left for the prep academy on Arcturus less than a month later." The entire time she spoke, Kaidan simply listened, making note of it all, especially her emotional resilience. Evelyn swallowed hard. "And, Elysium…I just don't want to talk about right now. You heard the highlights yesterday, anyway."

"Then don't," Kaidan breathed, rolling over to see her face. Her dark red brow was lightly furrowed, and makeup had yet to be put on her face. Even first thing in the morning, she's gorgeous. He wanted nothing but to kiss her at that moment, but knew it was not a good time; they were supposed to be on duty. In order to restrain himself, he sat up on the bed. "I had better let you get ready," he voiced with a sigh. He longed to stay in bed and hold her all day, but they would be at their next destination soon.

Evelyn sat up next to Kaidan. "Thanks again for coming by," she beamed, her pink lips happily turned upwards. "I feel so much better already."

Kaidan reluctantly stood and headed for the door. "Glad to be of service, ma'am," he grinned, saluting her as he left.