Chapter Nineteen

The vortex was growing. Saturn knew there was something terrible on the other side, that it wouldn't be much longer before it broke through. She knew she didn't have any choice on what she had to do here, but still she hesitated.

She stood with her glaive pointed at the growing black hole while tears streamed down her face, knowing she had to step through, knowing no one else had the power to stop this, and yet clinging to the life she'd come to hold so dear. Maybe this was why the old Queen had never wanted her to have a life in the previous Silver Millennium. So she wouldn't have anything to lose when the time came.

"Serenity, I'm sorry," Saturn whispered, as she took what she intended to be the first of her final steps.

She halted as a hand restrained her. A familiar hand clad in a familiar elbow-length white glove with black banding.

"P-Pluto?" Saturn stammered, turning to stare at the figure now beside her who hadn't been there a moment before.

It was Pluto. She smiled, the expression in her eyes warming Saturn's heart.

"There'll be no sacrifices today, Saturn," Pluto said, her lovely voice serious and solemn. "I'll not allow it."

"Pluto." There were no further words Saturn could get out. She clung to Pluto tightly and cried, feeling Pluto gather her up, and it didn't matter that Saturn was a woman now and no longer a little girl. She wanted to be comforted, she wanted to be saved, she wanted Pluto to keep doing exactly as she was and stroke her hair and whisper to her that everything was all right because she was here now and she wasn't going away again.

"How?" Saturn finally whispered, drawing back to look at her adoptive mother.

"Long story," said Pluto, and didn't say more. Her eyes became determined as she looked towards the vortex. "I need to destroy that."

"Can you?" asked Saturn.

Pluto nodded. "I can't destroy what's on the other side, but I can close the breach. That will be enough."

She raised her staff, and Saturn stood back to give her room.

"Chronos Typhoon!" Pluto yelled, sending a massive wave of energy towards the slowly expanding vortex.

There was a bright explosion and a deep boom that Saturn felt in the depths of her bones. When the scene cleared, the space around them was empty. The vortex was gone.

Pluto touched Saturn lightly on the shoulder. "You're okay?"

Saturn smiled at her. "Of course, Setsuna-mama. Are you really back? You're here to stay?"

"Yes, I'm staying."

"Then come back to the palace with me. You can see Serenity and Neo-Queen Serenity and everyone else."

"I will come, soon. But first, I need to go back to Haruka and Michiru. The ones I left behind after the battle at the shrine."

"They were really hurt, Setsuna-mama."

"I know. That's why I need to go back to them. To try and make things right." Pluto hugged Saturn again, tightly. "Tell the others I'm back," she whispered. "And tell them…I'm happy to be here."

"I will," Saturn promised, still holding on.

Tokyo, September 5, 2004

There were lights on in the house, so someone was home. Setsuna approached hesitantly, wondering what she should do. Knock on the door? Just walk in? It was easier, she thought wryly, to stage a dramatic reappearance mid-battle.

She decided she'd better knock. Not least because, thinking about it, she didn't have her house keys with her, and had no idea where they were.

After rapping on the door, she waited. There was movement within the house and the sound of footsteps coming up the hall. Setsuna tensed, and tried to paste a smile on her face.

It was Michiru who opened the door. She stared at Setsuna with a blank look, like she couldn't take in what she was seeing.

"Michiru," Setsuna started to say, but she'd barely finished getting her name out before Haruka appeared, hair still damp, perhaps from a shower.

"Who is it, Michiru?" Haruka asked, but she stopped dead when she saw Setsuna standing on the doorstep.

"It's me," said Setsuna. "I'm…Back, I guess."

As if Setsuna's words had broken the spell locking Michiru into immobility, she catapulted forward to give Setsuna what was quite possibly the tightest hug of her very long existence. It was only then Setsuna relaxed, admitting to herself how afraid she'd been that she wouldn't receive a kind welcome from the friends she'd abandoned. Haruka moved forward to wrap her arms around both of them, saying gruffly, "come in. Don't stand on the doorstep."

As soon as Setsuna stepped in, she found herself eagerly examining every little detail of her old home, the memories flooding back to her of all the years she'd spent here together with Michiru and Haruka and Hotaru. Not much had changed in the six months she'd been gone. Except there were even more pictures that had been added to the wall of photos; more ones, she noted, of her.

Haruka disappeared momentarily as Michiru and Setsuna went into the lounge, and came back a short time later with a bottle of red wine and three glasses.

"I think we're all going to need this," she said, deftly prying the cork out and pouring generous helpings for all of them.

Michiru grabbed hers immediately, took a rather too hasty gulp, and nearly ended up choking. Looking alarmed, Haruka thumped Michiru on the back as she coughed for a minute or two, until she drew in a shaky breath and said, "I'm okay, Haruka."

Haruka glanced across at Setsuna with a momentarily stormy expression in her eyes, as if laying responsibility for the incident at Setsuna's feet.

"Setsuna," said Haruka, "Setsuna—What the hell?"

The frustrated outburst seemed to be for everything from Setsuna's disappearance, to her death, to her sudden reappearance, to her unsettling Michiru enough that she nearly choked on her over-large mouthful of wine. The look Haruka cast at her demanded an explanation for all of it, and it struck Setsuna as so funny she couldn't help laughing. But soon enough her mirth turned to tears, and all she could do was cover her face and weep on the couch as everything she'd gone through caught up with her all at once.

"Oh shit," she heard Haruka say, sounding horrified. "Setsuna, I didn't mean to make you cry!"

There was a flurry of movement as Haruka came to sit beside her, placing an arm around Setsuna's shoulders.

Setsuna did her best to get a grip on her emotions, giving Haruka a watery smile. "I'm not crying because of what you said. It's just…I missed both of you. God, I missed you so much."

She glanced from Haruka beside her to Michiru on the opposite couch. Such an inadequate way to try and describe the torment she'd inflicted upon herself when she went back to her old life at the Doors.

"Where were you?" Michiru whispered. "We thought you were dead."

"I was," said Setsuna. She sat up, forcing herself away from the comfort of Haruka's shoulder, then leaned forward, picked up her wine and took a sip. Haruka had been right. There was no way she could get through this without a good stiff drink. "You were right, Michiru. You and Haruka were both right. I shouldn't have left in the way that I did. It did have bad consequences, for Earth and Kinmoku."

"Setsuna, I was angry and upset when I said that."

Setsuna shrugged. "Even so, you were right. When I left for the Doors, I really thought I could do what I'd done in every other lifetime. That I could just make myself forget. That I could give everything up. But this time, I didn't want to. I resented having to sacrifice myself for a future in which I wasn't allowed to exist. I spent so much time watching what might have been, seeing all the things I'd never get to have…It drove me mad but I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop wanting."

Even as she spoke Setsuna could feel the ache of all those old dreams stirring, and hurting just as much because she knew there was as little chance of that future now as when she was at the Doors.

"I can't say for sure, but I think my inattention, my discontent, was what allowed the situation on Earth to come about. Or at least, it gave the Enemy an opportunity that may not have been there otherwise. And Kinmoku…When it fell, in that other reality…"

Trailing off, Setsuna tried to think of what she should say. The Princess she'd met in the chamber in ancient Babylon had wanted her help, but Setsuna had always gotten the feeling she'd wanted something different to what Setsuna had done that first time, when she'd taken the Crystal and delivered it herself.

She knew that in this reality, Taiki had found the power within herself to restore the Crystal, but previously, she hadn't. And why would she, when she'd needed that power so soon after Setsuna's betrayal. It would have been different, perhaps, if her belief in her world had been strong before, but Taiki had struggled there, and perhaps losing Setsuna had ended up reminding her too much of that other loss long ago, when she'd nearly wanted to stop being a senshi, when someone she cared about had stopped believing in her planet and been castigated harshly for it.

Giving Taiki the Crystal hadn't done anything to fix that. Looking back, Setsuna thought she'd probably chosen better the second time round, when she gave Taiki what she needed to find the strength within herself.

"I abandoned Taiki even though I knew she needed me," was what she settled on saying. "I shouldn't have done things that way. I shouldn't have abandoned the two of you either. I know I can't take away the hurt I caused, but I am sorry. I should have listened back then."

"You did make a mistake," Michiru agreed. "But…You made up for it, Setsuna. You saved the Earth. You even gave Taiki a message to make sure we wouldn't mistakenly attack the Starlights over the Crystal."

Despite herself, Setsuna smiled. "That worked? You understood?"

"Things got pretty tense, but yes, we understood."

"It was Chaos, wasn't it?" Haruka asked. "That was what behind everything that happened on Earth?" After Setsuna's nod, she continued, "But what I don't get is why you went through Taiki at all. Why not come and tell us yourself? Surely that would have been more effective."

"It wasn't like the other times, Haruka. I hadn't just lost my physical form and returned to the Doors. I was dead. I was supposed to be moving on. What was happening in the mortal realm was no longer supposed to be my concern. I wasn't supposed to interfere. Visiting Taiki was already a risk I shouldn't have taken, but I had to. I know what I did still wasn't enough to make things right with her, but I had to do it anyway. I had to do as much as I could."

Michiru frowned. "If you were dead, why didn't you reincarnate? How did you come back in the same form?"

Because my particular circumstances give me certain advantages with things like that; Setsuna nearly said, but didn't. Truthfully, she'd come back because being dead hadn't solved anything for her. Without her human existence, there was no way to work out the dilemma that plagued her, no way to figure out what her place in the world should be. Being dead had merely put the issue on hold, not provided a solution.

"Well…" She said hesitantly. "I suppose I didn't reincarnate because I haven't yet finished living my life in this form. I wasn't ready to leave this life behind. Besides, there was a situation I had to deal with. There was a rift in the future. It had to be closed. No one else could do it besides Saturn, and even then, she would have had to sacrifice herself. I wasn't about to let that happen."

"Is Saturn okay?" said Michiru, worry springing into her eyes.

"She's fine," Setsuna assured her.

Haruka took a deep drought of her wine before asking the next question. "So what happens now? Are you here to stay, or…"

The implication of the unfinished question hung in the air.

Setsuna swirled her wine a few times before answering. "You know, when the Earth got thrown into chaos, part of the reason why I was able to bring it back into alignment was because I drew on all the power I'd accumulated while I was at the Doors. I keep wondering…If there was another situation like that one day, what would I do? Would I still be able to access the power I needed if I was no longer living at the Doors? What if I couldn't? If I choose to live in this world, does it mean all of us will have a terrible price to pay? Does taking a future for myself mean the Earth can no longer have one? Even trying to win back the future for someone I loved nearly resulted in the destruction of this planet.

"Now that I'm back, the Doors will be my responsibility once more. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I still want to do my duty. I still want to protect this world. But…Even with all the questions I have, I know I can't do what I did before. I've changed too much, and it's no good pretending otherwise. It's not an excuse, or a justification, but that's why I didn't tell either of you before I left last time. Because my resolve was already wavering so much I was afraid you'd convince me not to go if you had the chance."

"Is that a really long-winded way of saying you're not going to run away again?" Haruka asked, seemingly with all seriousness.

Setsuna laughed. "Pretty much. Things have changed for all of us so much in this life. I always thought that…Those changes wouldn't become systemic for me, but they have. The old ways of doing things don't work anymore. I need to…I need to forge a new path. But I'm afraid of what the consequences might be, for me and the rest of the world."

"I don't know why," said Haruka, "But you seem to have this idea that you're the only one who has to take responsibility for the future of this world, but that isn't right. We're all here to watch over the world with you, Setsuna. To help shape the future and bring it into being. We're not helpless children you need to protect anymore. Not even Usagi. And I think the old Queen did her a disservice by assuming she'd never become capable enough to fight for her own future, or the future of this world."

It was strange to hear Haruka speak of Usagi with such respect, when once both she and Michiru had despised her.

Michiru shifted to sit on Setsuna's free side on the couch, and took her hand. With a smile she said, "No one is more dedicated to their duty than you, Setsuna. But that's not reason not to have your own life too. Yes, it's hard, it hurts, the distance between us and what's normal will never go away. But still…" Michiru's eyes strayed to Haruka. She probably didn't even realise she was doing it. "I'd never give this life up. What we have here – What we've built together—" She focused her gaze on Setsuna. "It's worth fighting for. Don't you think?"

Setsuna squeezed her hand. "I've always thought that, Michiru."

"Then you should let yourself change," said Haruka softly. "There was something wrong with the old Silver Millennium. That's why it ended. If we're to have any chance of reaching the new one, and having it be…What it was meant to be all along, we need to change. If we do everything the same, we'll fail again."

Setsuna knew all of this was true. It had already been a foregone conclusion she would take this path from the moment she gained form again. She'd come back to this life precisely to do what she was doing now. The prospect looming before her was one of both terror and elation, giving her a glorious feeling of rebellion swelling in her chest.

She realised again how lucky she was to have Haruka and Michiru. They'd all been so suspicious and tentative of each other, in those long ago days of the Death Busters, but on some level, they must have all realised there was the potential for something special here, something all of them had been craving, something none of them had ever been permitted to have before.

"I know you're both right," Setsuna said, glancing at Haruka and Michiru with a smile. "Besides, I want to stay here. I'm so tired of being told this existence is not mine to have."

"Of course it's yours," said Haruka. "You were reborn into this world too. Who cares if you chose your civilian form instead of being born as a human? Michiru and I need you. It's hard, being the only two outer senshi. We need you to help us safeguard this world in the here and now. We've missed you."

"And we know," added Michiru, "We know the future isn't guaranteed. We know we might never get there. That's always the risk, and it never goes away. But we have a chance, Setsuna. Maybe the best one we'll ever get. We'd be…Honoured if you'd stay and fight with us."

"I will," Setsuna promised. She glanced up towards the second storey of the house. "My room – Is it—"

"We left it as it was," said Haruka quickly. "It's still yours. Are you tired?"

"A bit, but…I want to know everything that's been happening in Tokyo these last six months. Maybe…We could open another bottle of wine?"

Haruka smiled. "Sure thing. I'll go get one for us."

The three of them stayed up for a long time, talking, and it was easier than Setsuna expected to begin settling back into her old life, to feel the world reaching out and drawing her in. Just maybe she thought, maybe one day, she might reach Babylon after all.

The next two months passed quickly. Eventually, when Setsuna didn't bring the matter up, Michiru did ask her about Taiki, and after thrusting away an urge to cringe and avoid the subject, Setsuna just shrugged and said, "what can I do Michiru? I know I treated her terribly. If I did have any chance with her, it's long lost now. I sent her a message a while ago, telling her I was back – Not because I expected anything, but because…She had a right to know. I owed her that much, at least." Setsuna couldn't disguise the disappointment in her voice when she added, "I didn't hear back from her."

"You still have feelings for her then?"

The look Setsuna gave her was enough for Michiru to know. Setsuna tried not to dwell on it; there was no use getting lost in what might have been, but for a moment she covered her face as the regret, the bitterness of her own stupidity, rose like a high tide.

She felt Michiru place an arm around her shoulders, and gratefully taking the offer of comfort, Setsuna leaned into her. They stayed like that, sitting on the couch and staring at the TV that neither of them were really watching, until Haruka came home that night.

#

It was a raw day when Usagi asked to meet Setsuna in the park. Setsuna went not really knowing what to expect. Half the time when she was called out like this, she found herself asked to accompany her princess on snack-eating missions or visiting sideshow amusements. But today, it seemed Usagi just wanted to talk. She had a flask of tea with her, very good tea that Setsuna assumed either Mamoru or Rei had probably made up for her.

Usagi had grown exponentially in many, many ways, but food preparation was still not one of her strong suits.

Cupping the warm mug around her hands, Usagi blew on it gently, her breath mixing with the steam and pluming in the air. She glanced sidelong at Setsuna and smiled.

"I bet you wish you'd come back in time for summer instead of winter."

Setsuna smiled back. "Winter is a beautiful time too. Here, even if it's cold, people keep each other warm. It's not like…The cold at the Doors."

A memory of last winter floated through Setsuna's mind; Taiki's mouth hot against hers as they kissed that snowy night in the forest, her hands urging Setsuna on towards ecstasy.

She started as Usagi spoke, pulling her abruptly out of her thoughts.

"Seiya once told me that Kinmoku doesn't have a winter like ours. Their planet has a temperate climate all year round. Imagine that! A winter without snow. It's strange to think about."

Murmuring an agreement, Setsuna sipped her tea. Her heart had sped at the mention of Kinmoku, and she had to work extra hard to maintain an appearance of calm. She still had no idea what Usagi wanted, but she doubted mentioning the Starlights' planet was accidental.

Usagi frowned. "The truth is…I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right in this case."

"In what case, Princess?"

After glancing around at seemingly every piece of random scenery she could find with which to distract herself, Usagi finally ran out of trees and bushes and looked at Setsuna. "I got a message from Princess Kakyuu. She asked whether I would consider sending one of my soldiers to Kinmoku on a 'mission to foster diplomatic relations and increase the friendship between our two worlds'. But she was very specific I was only to send ONE soldier. And she isn't planning to send anyone to Earth. Not yet, anyway."

Her brows drew together in a frown. "What do you think, Setsuna? Is this—"

"I wouldn't read too much into it," Setsuna said, though she wasn't sure she believed her own words. "I believe the people of Kinmoku don't have a great deal to do with outsiders normally. There are few visitors to their planet. Sending more than one senshi might be perceived as a threat."

"Did Taiki tell you all that?" asked Usagi softly.

Setsuna looked off into the distance, unsettled by the mention of her former lover. "Yes, she did. But this…Is nothing to do with Taiki, Princess. I don't know what this is about, but I can assure you she isn't behind it."

After regarding Setsuna with a solemn gaze, Usagi nodded. "Well, whatever the reason…If I'm only supposed to send one soldier…You are the best choice. No, you'd be the best choice no matter what. That's obvious. But I'm not going to order you to go. If you want to take it, the mission is yours. If not…" Usagi shrugged. "Then I'll politely decline."

"That might not be the best idea. Finding friends and allies is actually…Well, it certainly wouldn't do us any harm. And I think we can trust Kakyuu and the people of Kinmoku."

"I think we can too. But I don't want to make you go if you don't want to." Usagi clasped Setsuna's hand for a moment, her fingers warm. "I'll let you consider it. Let me know in a few days what you want to do."

"Wait!" Setsuna said as Usagi collected up the flask and the mugs and rose to leave. "Can't I escort you anywhere?"

"It's okay. Rei and Minako are meeting me. I'll be fine." A flush covered Usagi's cheeks, and she quickly dipped her head to place a kiss on Setsuna's forehead. "Thank you for coming back," she whispered. "I missed you when you were gone."

With a final smile, she hurried away, and Setsuna tipped her face back and wondered what the hell she was going to do, her skin still tingling from Usagi's kiss.