Chasing Starlight – Chapter 16 – Requiem

A/N: This chapter is non-linear. Time stamps are provided at the beginning of each section for clarification. It's a bit longer than my chapters tend to be, but I just couldn't take anything out and didn't want to break it in two. Sorry it took so long to get out! In addition with struggling with it, I had an insane week at work. The good news is that the next chapter is NSFW. :D

Thanks to chainline, Impslave, Jules Hawk, and Ms Sticha (who also beta'd for me!). Your support really does encourage me to keep writing!

[02 JUNE 2183 - 1800 HOURS]

Kaidan hadn't seen Shepard anywhere since they returned to the Normandy from the battle on Virmire. The routine of putting away his weapons and armor downstairs earlier had been painful; Ashley was supposed to be there, but she wasn't, and wouldn't ever be again. Kaidan couldn't help but feel partially responsible for that. The thought that his relationship with Shepard could have had anything to do with her choosing to save him ate at him. During the debriefing he fought the urge to ask, knowing it wasn't the appropriate time or place. He lingered when she dismissed the others, but when Evelyn asked Joker to connect her to the council without even looking at Kaidan, he knew he needed to leave and would find her later.

He headed down to the mess, where most of the crew poked at their food. Kaidan didn't have an appetite either, but his biotic fueled metabolism insisted he ate. He kept his eyes peeled, waiting for Shepard to emerge or head down to her quarters, but he never saw her. After finishing his meal, he headed back up to the CIC. He claimed to be going to check on Joker, but in actuality was looking for Evelyn. He made his way through the large room, noting the lack of her presence as he approached the cockpit and his pilot friend. Joker's eyes were trained on the abyss, his hands tighter on the controls than usual. His jaw was clenched, and his eyes heavy. Kaidan swallowed a lump of guilt in his throat. "Hey, Joker," he said, leaning against the pilot's chair.

Joker didn't move a muscle as he quietly replied to Kaidan, letting out only a simple hushed "hey."

I'm going to be here awhile, Kaidan realized as he sat in the empty co-pilot's chair. Ashley and Joker had grown close; Kaidan had wondered if Joker might have been interested in Ashley, and Joker's current state insinuated the biotic was correct. As much as Kaidan wanted to find Shepard, he couldn't walk away from the friend who was suffering right in front of him. I'll find her later, he decided.

[02 JUNE 2183 - 1930 HOURS]

The sound of Ashley's voice played over and over in Evelyn's mind as she wrote up her mission report from Virmire.

Not so fast LT…I'll go with the salarians.

Why is it that whenever someone says "with all due respect" they really mean "kiss my ass?"

Well, this is it. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, LT. You too, Commander.

Yeah, I just…good luck.

I don't know it's just weird...I've got used to working with you, all of you.

…It's been an honor serving with you, Commander.

Evelyn picked up the nearly empty bottle of whisky and pressed it to her lips. The warm liquid no longer burned as it traveled through her bourbon coated throat. She set the bottle back on the desk at a snail's pace, careful to set it down properly – she didn't want to spill any, after all. Shepard closed the applications on her computer – a draft of the report was complete, but she knew better than to pass anything up the chain of command that she had written in such an inebriated state.

We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!

Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko!

You know it's the right choice, LT.

With ease, she slowly turned the chair around and slumped off of it and onto the bed, face-first. She rolled over, and the room began to spin. Evelyn groaned and sat up in defiance of the vertigo. Her eyes fell on the chair where Ashley had sat the last time she was drunk. Evelyn envisioned her departed friend sitting there shaking her head.

Evelyn relaxed her heavy eye lids, allowing tears to stream down her cheeks. She took in a deep breath, attempting to keep as calm as possible, but her mind had other ideas.

I have to ask you, though… Ashley's voice tainted her thoughts. Can you honestly tell me that your feelings for Kaidan had nothing to do with your choice to save him and not me?

Evelyn shook her head. "No," she whispered. "They didn't," she attempted to convince herself.

Don't lie to me, Commander.

"I had to make sure the bomb went off," Evelyn stated quietly to herself.

But Kaidan volunteered to go with the salarians before I did. Why did you send me and not him?

Evelyn slightly raised her voice to the ghost. "Because he's technically minded. You were right when you said I needed Kaidan on the bomb." Shepard couldn't allow this discussion to end this way, and after a few moments, she reiterated her last words to Ashley. "I'm sorry, Ash. I had to make a choice." The tears flowed more freely now, dripping from her pointed jaw and saturating the covers of her bed.

I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing.

Evelyn stretched for the bottle and began to polish it off. Her mind wandered back to earlier that day to a simpler time, which felt an eternity ago.

[02 JUNE 2183 - 1100 HOURS]

Pressly's chuckle rang through the CIC. He waved at Evelyn to come over, and she approached to see what was causing him to be so jovial. His daughter, Charlotte, on the screen for a video call. Charlotte is Shepard's age and the only friend she kept up with through all her moving around as a child. Eventually, they attended the Alliance Prep Academy together, where Charlotte chose to specialize in infiltration as opposed to Evelyn's choice of engineering. Her long tight curls filled the remainder of the screen. She had her father's eyes and smile. "Evelyn! I was hoping I would catch you! God am I jealous you and my dad are serving together!" Charlotte beamed; she had always been so cheery. "We have to get find some time to get together. Be sure to tell me when you have your next leave scheduled!"

"You bet, Charlie," Evelyn replied. Only Pressly and Sheapard were allowed to call Charlotte that. "I have so much to tell you…" Evelyn grinned as her voice trailed off.

"I'll bet, Miss First-Human-Spectre." Charlotte teased. "Anyways, I have to get back to duty. Love and miss both of you!"

Evelyn patted Pressley on the shoulder and thanked him for including her in the call. He responded by reassuring her "anytime," as she walked down the stairs to the mess, where Kaidan was fiddling with his console.

Shepard walked up to Kaidan, catching his attention with his voice. "We should be reaching Virmire soon. I want you and Williams in the Mako with me," she stated her order.

Kaidan stood up straight and faced Shepard, giving her a nod and "aye" in acknowledgement. "We're getting so close now, Commander. I can feel it. The Council will have to mobilize around us once we present all the evidence." A twinkle filled his topaz orbs.

"I wish I had your optimism," Evelyn folded her arms across her chest. "I mean, I agree with you, but I just have a bad feeling about this mission…"

"Too many unknowns?" Kaidan's tone indicated a question, though he knew what her response would be.

"Too many unknowns."

Kaidan had quickly learned that Evelyn preferred to be over prepared for everything. One night at dinner, the crew mentioned going out for karaoke the next time they were on leave. Joker recalled Shepard's love of music and thought she might enjoy it. She immediately back pedaled and reminded people that she practiced her instrument for hours before performing; karaoke made her incredibly nervous. Shepard knew there would always be unknown entities for missions, but preparation and having as much intel as possible gave her a sense of comfort. With this mission, the Council had simply said something along the lines of "something might not be right. You should probably go check it out," with nothing else to go on.

Out of nowhere, Kaidan spoke again. "I've never met a woman like you."

Evelyn rubbed her face to hide the blush she could feel on her cheeks. She wasn't sure where his line of thought had taken him to say that in the middle of the mess, or even what exactly he meant by it, but her immediate reaction was to turn bright pink. The earnest glow in his eyes spoke without volume – he meant it just as Evelyn perceived it – as a flirtatious remark. Evelyn glanced around the empty room before replying. "You haven't had the easiest life, either, Kaidan – but I like the man it's made of you."

Kaidan grinned broadly and straightened his posture. "Careful Commander, you'll make me blush."

"Who says you get to have all the fun?" Shepard replied with a slight giggle.

Kaidan's amber eyes pierced into her silver ones, sending a shiver through her core. "No bull, Shepard. I want to follow through with this. It's tough keeping it separated from duty. But when the mission's complete, it'll be different. At least I hope so. Ma'am."

Evelyn beamed back at Kaidan. "It will be different. In the meantime, try not to distract me – us - from saving the galaxy."

Kaidan chuckled, "It'll take care of itself one of these days. Or nights." Evelyn blushed again, and Kaidan lips turned up in a smoldering fashion. "Shepard, you are hard to step away from. We'll get this done. The sooner the better."

Before Evelyn could respond, Joker had ended their moment by coming over the communication system and alerting Shepard and the crew that they were 20 minutes out from Virmire; time to get prepped for the mission.

[02 JUNE 2183 - 2030 HOURS]

Once Kaidan was sure Joker would be alright, he decided to head back down to his station on deck two, knowing he would be more likely to run into Shepard in the CIC on his way there, or on the lower deck where her quarters are located. As he walked back through the bridge from the cockpit to the CIC, he noticed Pressly's stare focused on him. Kaidan met the navigator's gaze and approached him.

"Lieutenant," the older officer addressed Kaidan with a nod. "Have you seen Commander Shepard since the debriefing?"

"I have not, sir," Kaidan replied to his XO in a professional tone.

Pressly's eyes shifted from side to side, making sure that no one was listening to their conversation. He lowered his voice. "You should go check on her. I'm guessing she's in her quarters."

Kaidan hid any reaction from his face while he pondered on how to respond to his superior officer; he could be walking into a trap. Pressly must have noticed the discomfort in the silence between them, and added more context. "The Commander is her mother's daughter," he sighed. "And I know how Hannah Shepard dealt with these situations."

The concerned look in the navigator's eyes told Kaidan everything he needed to know without Pressly having to elaborate; whatever Evelyn's mother did to cope wasn't good and perhaps even destructive. Kaidan nodded in acknowledgement and glided down the stairs to Shepard's cabin, wrapping his usual three times at the door.

A few moments passed and the door did not open, nor did Kaidan hear Shepard's voice. He could, however, hear groaning and fumbling, and finally heard a loud thud, accompanied by a vibration beneath his feet. Without waiting any further, he opened the door to Evelyn's quarters himself and slid inside.

The room was surprisingly filled with music. A slow, grieving, yet beautiful tune, sung by a soprano. Kaidan didn't recognize the song or the language it was sung in, but did not allow his attention to focus on the music for long. His eyes darted around the room, searching for Shepard. Suddenly, another voice joined the one in the recording, though it was muffled and slurred. Kaidan followed the sound to find its source: Evelyn lay face down on the floor next to her bed, empty whisky bottle in hand. Oh no. Kaidan had never imagined he would find Shepard in this state and now understood precisely why Pressly sent him down there.

Kaidan stood silent, eyes lingering on her form, as Evelyn raised her upper body from the floor and scooted her back against the side of the bed. Her eyes were trained on the wall in front of her as she dropped the empty glass bottle. She continued to sing along with the song as tears saturated her cheeks.

She doesn't know I'm here, Kaidan froze upon this realization. Should I talk to her? Should I let her finish singing? Should I approach her? A hiccup interrupted his thoughts as well as her singing. Kaidan seized the opportunity. "Evelyn," he breathed as he cautiously approached her.

"Shit, Kaidan," she slurred out, not looking at him. "You weren't….you weren't supposed to see me like this…" her head swung back and forth with long, slow motions.

A mixture of emotions swirled inside of Kaidan. Hurt, concern, sadness, grief. Why is she doing this? Why didn't she come to me? "Why…" he stammered, but stopped himself and paused to make sure he spoke carefully, in a calm and ardent tone, considering Shepard's unusual delicate state. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

Evelyn's flat grey orbs widened with sorrow. "Kaidan, I…" her voice cracked and the words were lost. "I…" she inhaled sharply just before beginning to lament. Kaidan swooped in close to her and held her firmly but gently. For quite some time, they sat on the floor, her pale figure wrapped in his tan one, in total silence. Kaidan hoped for a more coherent answer from Shepard, but she didn't, or couldn't give him one.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh. "Ok, then, let's start over. What's this song you're listening to, Evelyn?"

Shepard wiped the tears from under her eyes. "Pie Jesu. From Faure's Requiem."

"It's beautiful," Kaidan replied. Shepard shifted so that her steel eyes gazed into his. Her lips turned up ever so slightly, which Kaidan absolutely did not miss. He smiled warmly, "What does it mean?"

Evelyn placed her head on Kaidan's shoulder. Her response was whispered almost like a prayer. "Merciful Lord Jesus, grant them rest…eternal rest." She paused for a brief moment, and spoke lightly on her voice, slightly louder than before. "It's a tradition in my family to play this song at funerals."

"So, you're playing it for Ashley," Kaidan squeezed her comfortingly, thankful to have gotten her talking.

"My mother was an alcoholic." Evelyn's admission was sudden and unexpected. "After my dad died, she didn't know how to deal, so she drank."

"Is that why you're doing this to yourself?" Kaidan asked, his voice calm and heartfelt.

Evelyn placed her hands to the floor and pushed herself up, grabbing the bed for support as she stood. "I was never taught how to grieve. This is all I know. Anything I can't compartmentalize, I drink away."

She swayed, her balance waning, and Kaidan stood and stabilized her. "Is this how you dealt with Elysium?"

"No," her eyes met his intense ones for a second before she flitted them away, embarrassed. "My mother took a leave of absence after the incident and was with me until I passed my psych evaluation to go back to work. She wouldn't let me touch the stuff."

Kaidan cupped Shepard's chin and tilted her face to meet his. "How did you deal with it, then?" Kaidan asked candidly, wanting to know so he could help her now.

Shepard responded as if she was laying out evidence. "My mother tried to get me to talk about it, but I refused. I didn't want to talk about it. Not with her. I locked away everything that I could, and the rest, the psychologist eventually got out of me."

Kaidan brought his hands to Evelyn's. "Do you think you would have drank if it weren't for your mom being there?"

Evelyn tore her hands from his and began to pace around the room with a wobbly gait. "Yes…No…Maybe, hell, Kaidan, I don't know. I've only done this a few times. After Mindoir, after Charlotte's mom died, after the mission on that damned asteroid and our fight –"

Kaidan interrupted her. "You did this after our fight?"

Shepard stopped dead in her tracks, her back to Kaidan. Shit. Did I say that out loud?

"Shepard, did you drink after I left you that night?"

Evelyn stood frozen in her cabin, she didn't dare turn around to face him. He placed a strong hand on her shoulder and she whirled around, revealing the tears that streamed freely down her face. "I'm so sorry," she breathed.

"Evelyn…" Kaidan embraced her, wrapping her small pale figure his is warm muscular arms. He whispered in her ear. "Just promise me you'll talk to me next time instead of doing this."

After a few moments, her eyes moved up from his dampened shoulder to meet his. "Ok. I promise."

The two returned to their embrace and smiled slightly, relieved, but then Kaidan remembered his original reason for seeking Shepard out this evening. I need to talk to her about why she chose to save me. But now really isn't the time.

His body stiffened with his thoughts, and Shepard detected the change. "What's wrong, Kaidan?" She pulled back to gaze upon his soulful eyes; they never lied.

Now isn't the time, Kaidan reminded himself before replying. "Nothing that can't wait."

Evelyn could see the sadness and hesitation in his eyes. "I just promised you that I would come to you if I was upset about something. And now you're keeping something from me." Her tone was serious, demanding, and almost accusing.

Kaidan sighed. "You know what, you're right. I'm sorry. I can't expect you to be an open book if I won't." he gulped and nervously scratched the back of his head. "I'm just concerned this topic will upset you further."

"Might as well get it over with then. Make it one bad night instead of two." Evelyn spoke, her logical mind taking over as she started to regain some semblance of being sober. She moved to the foot of the bed and took a seat.

Kaidan stood in front of her and asked the question that had been eating at him in the most businesslike way possible. "Why did you come back for me and not Ashley…ma'am?"

Evelyn had anticipated Kaidan asking this question. Her conversation with Ashley's ghost earlier, as painful as it was, would be helpful now. "Because I had to make sure that bomb went off. I couldn't afford risking you dying and the geth deactivating it."

"Fair enough…but why didn't you send me with the salarians?" Kaidan sat next to Evelyn on the bed.

"You already know the answer to that question, Lieutenant." Her steel eyes met his amber ones with intensity.

"Right," Kaidan sighed. "I have the technical skills needed to arm the bomb."

Shepard nodded, acknowledging that he was correct in that assertion. The silence that followed was long enough to give Evelyn a sense security that Kaidan was done asking questions. As she snuggled up against him, his voice broke her hopes of being in the clear. "You can't tell me that our feelings for each other had nothing to do with you choosing to save me," guilt was thick in Kaidan's husky voice.

Evelyn carefully shot up out of his arms and stared into his amber eyes with intensity. "You're right. I can't. And I never will." Shepard's voice was adamant, serious, and calculated as she repeated her reasoning yet again. "I sent you with the bomb because you have the skills to arm it. I came back for you and not Ashley because I had to make sure that you weren't overwhelmed by the geth, to make sure that the bomb would not be compromised. It had to go off. And it did. The mission was successful." Evelyn balled her hands into tiny pale fists as she tried to fight back more tears from fleeing her eyes. "I hated to leave Ashley behind, but it had to be done."

"You're right, I just..." Kaidan sighed. "I can't believe that Ash didn't make it." Kaidan took Evelyn's hands, peeling her fingers back and lacing his with hers. "I still can't help feeling like she died because of…us. But I'll remember what you said, and in time, I'll come around."

Shepard placed her head back on Kaidan's strong shoulder and took a deep breath, inhaling his comforting spicy scent. No other words were spoken between them that night. Kaidan and Evelyn wrapped their arms around each other in a comforting embrace for the short time left until lights out. He longed to stay with Shepard, but both of them knew it would not be appropriate, especially given the circumstances; they needn't give cause to anyone to think Shepard chose Kaidan over Ashley for personal reasons. As Kaidan left the cabin that night, his mind dwelled on Shepard's words.

Her logic barely makes it any easier to deal with, but at least we have each other.