Chapter 14: heavy feelings
[Cry's pov…]
I love Felix…
Fuck…
Didn't I tell myself to keep my distance from him? Didn't I tell myself to not go there?
"I just… why'd you get yourself into this in the first place?" Kathrin asked…
"I honestly have no idea… I guess it just happened…" I replied…
"Damn it… he better not choose… he… this doesn't seem very bright for you does it?" Kathrin then asked…
"No it doesn't… fuck…" I said as I could feel a tear threatening to fall from the corner of my eye…
"Ryan…" Kathrin said… she sounds kinda sad… sympathy I guess…
"Don't worry about it… and thanks… it feels good to be able to tell someone…" I said… and it really did…
"Aw… Ryan…" Kathrin said, and then the both of them kinda gave me a hug… and I swear at that point it felt just as good as one of Felix's hugs… the hug was different, and yet it felt so good right now… it was so comforting and I just… I couldn't help it… I let myself cry…
The hug lasted as long as I were crying… and when I finally stopped the both of them looked at me, and I could see that they had been crying with me at some point… fuck…
"I'm sorry…" I said… well it sounded kinda slurred since I had just been crying, but still…
"It's okay Ryan…" Amelia replied "Yeah… we've always kinda cared for you… you might not remember it but there was a time when we talked a lot together… but then you shut everyone out of your life… and so, don't worry about it… you can always talk to us…" Kathrin said… I talked to them before? And… they… fuck it feels good to have someone you can call a friend this close again…
"I might have lost one of those 'precious last days' with Felix, but it doesn't matter… thanks…" I said…
"It's okay… don't worry about it Ryan" Kathrin said…
Wow… all the feelings…
"So… you guys want to do something?" I asked…
"Really? You really think you can manage right now?" Kathrin asked in reply…
"I was trying to lighten the mood a bit you know…" I replied…
"Sorry… then games?" Kathrin asked…
"Yeah… I'm up for a game…" I replied… I really need to get away from all these heavy feelings that I've been having so much of lately… I need a break… and a game is good enough…
We played games together and at first we were all still kinda hung up on the whole crying our asses off that just happened, but then we got more and more into the game and we started LAUGHING our asses off instead…
After playing for a while Kathrin and Amelia had to go home...
"Bye Ryan!" Kathrin said…
"Goodbye and goodnight Ryan" Amelia said just after…
"Yeah… goodbye…" I replied to the both of them…
After they had left I felt kinda sad that they had, and at the same time I was happy because of all the things that had happened today… and I also felt a lot lighter… like a lot of weights had been lifted from my body…
Thank God they found out… I'm not sure how much longer I would have been able to take all of this if they hadn't… and I'm not sure if I would have survived the fall if they're not there to help me up again… well if there's going to be a fall…
Shit… it probably is going to be…
Felix and I… we're going to break up aren't we?
Fuck…
I don't think I can handle that…
I REALLY hope he chooses me…
I went to bed and amazingly enough fell asleep right away… I guess I was more tired than I previously thought… all those sharing of feelings tired me out I guess…
That was the sixth day of the twenty days until a possible break up… 14 days left
I woke up and felt greater than I had for days… wow, who knew sharing ones feelings and crying could feel so good afterwards?
I went through my regular morning routine and went to school…
I didn't meet Felix, Amelia or Kathrin… strange…
I went inside and sat down at my seat… that's when I noticed that there wasn't anyone else there…
Why?
I checked my clock, and I had been a little too fast this morning… I guess I was really excited to see them again today…
I started drawing… because why not? I have time…
I got so lost in what I was drawing that I didn't notice that people had been slowly showing up, one after the other…
Suddenly someone slammed their hand on my desk and I got so surprised that I fell backwards in my chair which, of course, caused it to fall backwards…
"Ow! What the fuck man?" I asked angrily…
"Sorry, I just had to" Kathrin said, followed by a snicker…
"Fuck… you…" I started saying, but then I completely lost my words…
"Haha, here, take my hand…" Kathrin then said… I took her hand and got up… wow, haven't this been one hell of a way to start your morning?
"You okay?" Kathrin then asked… everyone in class was staring now… I mean they hadn't seen us get along ever…
"Yeah… don't worry about it…" I replied… and that's when I realized that I had been smiling the whole time…
"So you doing anything special today?" she asked, and I could see in the corner of my eyes that everyone had their mouths agape…
"Not really… was going to go with Felix… but other than that, no…" I replied…
"What the serious fuck!? When did you get so close to Ryan!?" one of the girls in Kathrin's "gang" asked…
"Well I used to be a long time ago, and now we kinda became friends again…" Kathrin answered…
And that's when I noticed that Felix had been watching the whole thing… I walked over to him…
"Morning Felix" I said happily…
"Morning…" he replied… he seems kinda depressed… or maybe thoughtful would be the right word…
"Sup?" I asked…
"Nothing much… I just… are you really going to hang out with them again?" he asked… wow… if I said yes I feel like I'd hurt him greatly…
"No, just… umm… I think I'll hang out with them tomorrow…" I said as I turned around shortly at the end to throw Kathrin an apolitically look… I received an understanding look in return…
"Okay" Felix said… he seems to light up whenever I tell him something he's really happy with…
The period started and then ended, and we had recess… but this time I wasn't only talking to Felix… in fact Amelia, Kathrin, Felix and me all talked together… who would have thought that?
At the end of school I said my goodbyes to Amelia and Kathrin and started walking how with Felix… yeah that feels kinda right… I've missed talking to him...
Fuck…
This is how I feel after just one day without him now?
I am so screwed if he doesn't choose me…
We arrived at my house and sat down at the legendary couch like usual…
"So… what DID you talk about with Kathrin and Amelia?" Felix asked… fuck… what do I reply to that?
"Umm… just a lot of different things…" I ended up on replying with…
"Ryan… really? I want to know…" Felix said…
"I just… we talked about love and stuff, okay?" I replied… oh fuck…
"Love?" he asked… shit!
"I love you Felix…"
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
I wasn't going to write more tonight... but then I got that last review that made me so incredibly happy that I just couldn't help it...
so I wrote this... but now it's 4.33 am so sleep...