Chapter 25: emotional
[Ryan's pov…]
"Make the most of what? The party?" Felix asked…
"Oh shit! Felix how long have you been there!?" I asked… oh shit oh shit oh shit…
"from 'just talking about it helps'…" Felix replied… THANK GOD!
"Okay… yeah… the party… I mean they're probably going to figure out about us and stuff… I'm not sure I'm ready for that…" I replied…
"Wait, if it was just that then why did you talk about it in private?" Felix asked… brain don't fail me now! Please help me come up with a good excuse!
"Well I did tell her that it wasn't of importance, but she dragged me here anyway…" I replied… that's good enough I guess…
"Fine… if you don't want to tell me it's okay… as long as I get to know one day it's alright…" Felix said… HOW DOES HE KNOW!?
"Wha-" I started, but Felix interrupted me by kissing me… damn I love kissing him…
"I just know, okay? And you look good with cat ears…" Felix said with a smirk… damn… I changed my mind… I do SO want to do "stuff" with him… it does matter… and I want it soon, now if possible…
"Well let's return to my dear Amelia then!" Kathrin said as she nearly bounced down the stairs… wow, someone is happy… or rather, someone really wants to see her girlfriend…
"Yeah…" I said… damn… can't Felix and me just… just do "stuff" without any interruption? Is that really too much to ask for!? Damn it…
And those were my last thoughts before going downstairs…
When we all had taken "our" seats nobody spoke for a while… kinda just stared at each other… these clothes look absolutely awesome… all of the clothes were like the ones I got, but they were a little different for each one of us… it's like they were designed to look like a mix of what we wanted and what would suit us best… it's really quite impressive… and when I looked a little closer, to examine the clothes further of course… Felix's black t-shirt had a brofist on it…
Okay so who am I kidding? I wasn't looking at the clothes…
"So… the whole secret thing isn't really such a big deal anymore right? I mean we kinda know most of the things we need to… so how about we just ask questions if we have any at all?" Kathrin asked…
"Sure… anyone want to start?" I said.
"Yeah actually… Ryan, what is the deal about the whole 'previous gang' thing?" Amelia asked… wow… what do I reply to that? No scratch that, HOW do I reply to that?
"Umm… well… we were a bunch of people who were friends and kinda just… were here at my place I guess… like how it's with you guys now… oh and we used to go to the restaurant… but wait, those guys pretty much used to live here… they never used to go to any other places… we kinda shared this house… my room was still my room though… no one else were allowed to go there… it was kinda fun… we used to end up playing games all night long… but I guess they all just… went their own ways in life… because some of them moved and others just… drifted off to God knows where… and…" I said… the first of it was kinda messy because I wasn't sure how to put it, but the thought of it all had made me remember the "good old days"… but at the end I… the thought of what had happened made me unable to continue my sentence…
"And what?" Amelia asked…
"I can't, I… just… can't…" I said… those thoughts were just too sad… I don't want to remember those things right now… I want to be happy and have fun while discovering new sides to the people I now currently have close to my heart…
"Ryan… talking about it will help… and you know it…" Amelia replied… I know… but I just…
"I… can't, I…" I tried but just couldn't… I don't want to remember it! Remember how little my words meant, but at the same how much they meant… and how I couldn't do anything to stop it…
"Ryan, I know it's hard to tell people about stuff that's hurtful and sad, but you really have to tell someone… and you know we'll always be there for you!" Kathrin said… how did you get to know me so much over such a short amount of time Kathrin? Do you always know what to say to me?
"Fuck… okay… so there was this one guy in our gang that liked gaming a lot… and he… he made a youtube channel… and made a lot of let's plays… and he was happy with doing that… he… as every youtuber who have a channel, got a lot of hate… but that didn't bother him much… he said the reason it didn't bother him much because he had us… and… that he didn't even worry about it at all… and as I said… the gang kinda fell apart… people drifted away and others moved… and in the end it was me and that guy left… we played a lot of games and had a lot of fun… but I guess all the hate he got broke him… and… seeing as our friends weren't with us anymore… one day… Kathrin?" I said… I just…
"Yeah?" Kathrin replied… the tension is just…
"Do you remember that incident with that guy from our school that committed suicide?" I asked…
"No way… are you telling me that… he… he was all over the news…" Kathrin said in disbelief…
"Yeah… I was there… on the rooftop… I tried all I could, but…" I started, and I could feel the tears run down my cheeks…
"Ryan…" Kathrin said, her voice thick with sadness…
"He was… my best friend…" I managed to say in between the small sobs that I couldn't hold back… fuck… I didn't want to remember that… I want to be happy… because I might not be able to be this happy when those twenty days have passed…
I had been so caught up in my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed that Kathrin had gotten close to me, well that was before she jumped on top of me, hugging me in the process…
Soon after Amelia also came over…
And wow… I hadn't even noticed that Felix was the first person to hug me… I guess I'm used to his hugs now… I still love them though…
They cried… damn I have some really good friends…
"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SUFFER YOU IDIOT!" Kathrin said rather loudly into my ear…
"I-if you guys continue this I'm… I'm going to get deaf and-and suffocated… but I don't… I don't even care right now…" I said… wow my voice is so thick and just… I'm crying… I never knew I wanted this so much…
I put my arms up to try to at least hug something back… and just… all the emotions I held back all this time… it all kinda just came out of me at once… everything from that time I witnessed my best friend commit suicide to the most recent worries and all of the stress from the other "person of interest"… it all just… came to me at once… all the emotions I had ever suppressed inside my heart…
It hurt so much, but at the same time felt so good…
I really needed this so much…
Wow… I've kinda been crying a lot lately haven't I? I've been so emotionally unstable… it's like I've been on a fucking rollercoaster… I guess it's because I'm starting to let other people into my life again…
I don't think I could ever live without them anymore…
To fuck with all my secrets… as long as I have Felix, Amelia and Kathrin I don't care about anything else…
I've gotten too deeply attached to them to let them go now…
Fuck…
Felix don't you dare hurt me…
Please don't hurt me…
I don't think I can take it…
"Guys… it's… it's okay now… I… it's okay…" I said, successfully breaking the hug… I'm kinda conflicted about that… I like hugs… who doesn't?
"You sure? Because I'd give you a thousand hugs if it would cheer you up…" Kathrin said…
"haha… then I want another one… I'm not at my happiest yet!" I said, mostly as a joke, but Kathrin gave me another hug anyway…
"I was joking you know…" I said
"Shut up, you know you like it… and besides… I want a hug too…" Kathrin replied…
"Yeah…" I said silently… I'm not crying anymore… I think I've cried more this month than I have ever done in my entire life put together…
Cry…
When I think about it… I guess that friend of mine was my entire reason for starting my own channel…
Without him I would never have met Felix… would never have become friends with Kathrin and Amelia…
I have a lot to thank him for actually…
Too bad I can't…
I never cried after that incident… I guess that's when I shut everything out… I have cried on my channel of course, but there's a lot of different types of crying… and that was all because of the games I was playing…
I'm glad I got to let out all my emotions… it feels like all the weights that were holding me down in life lifted a little…
I'm still sad about all the things, but… I guess I'm moving on in a way… like I'm letting it all go to make room for all the new emotions from the moments of right now…
"Thanks…" I said, and I think that's the purest smile I have produced in the longest of times…
"That's what friends are for, right?" Kathrin said, returning my smile… I could still see the tears on her cheeks… I'm so glad I got her as a friend…
"Yeah" I replied…
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
guys guys...
my dad will probably take away the wifi today... so no internet for me in about 2-3 weeks...
that's why I'll post the next chapter now even though I was planning on posting it together with the next one...
sorry... I might just not be able to post any new chapters for a while...