Kurt did not sit with them at lunch and Scott felt like he was to blame for it. He saw the other X-men, sitting alone under a tree. There was a disturbing look of emptiness in Kurt's eyes and Scott was worried about him. "I'm sure that whatever is bothering him will work itself out, Scott," Jean muttered to him, low enough that the table of loud mutants didn't hear her but loud enough that Scott did. He frowned.
"I'd appreciate it if you stayed out of my head, Jean."
"I try, but when your thoughts are screaming right next to me, it's a bit hard to stop myself. It's like when you accidently catch yourself eavesdropping even though you hadn't tried to hear the conversation." She continued to eat her lunch, green eyes sliding over to look at Kurt as well.
Scott frowned deeper. "I'm worried about him, you know? He's been pretty down for a while now and I can't but feel that it's my fault."
Jean laughed a little. "Why would you say that? It's not like you did anything to upset him." She paused, falling silent and looking at him, green eyes quizzical. "Did you?"
Scott could suddenly feel her presence inside of his head and slammed up a wall to keep her out of his thoughts. "Hey!" He defended. His outburst caught the attention of the rest of the table and they fell silent. He looked around, going red in the cheeks. He noticed that his outburst had also caught Kurt's attention, and the younger teenager was looking over at the table longingly. Scott's cheeks went red even more and he stood, grabbing his tray. "I'm heading back in. I'm not hungry anymore." He hurried across the yard and back into the school, swearing to himself. He had his head leaning against a cool wall, eyes shut behind his glasses. He was so confused, and he was sick of it. A hand landed on his shoulder.
"Scott, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pried like that. Talk to me."
"What's there to say? I pissed Kurt off or hurt his feelings or something. Regardless, it's my fault. I did it and now he won't even come near me."
"Tell me what happened."
Scott was silent before looking around the hallways. "Can we go to the library and talk about this? I don't need someone to hear us." She nodded her head and they made their way to the library and to a corner in the back. Scott took a deep breath.
"A few nights ago… About a week actually, I… Kurt was really upset about some personal stuff. I let him dump it out on me and I really thought… I read the moment wrong, everything that was happening I thought… I made a mistake, Jean. A really bad mistake. I was holding him and he was crying and he looked up at me and I touched his face and… I kissed him." His voice fell so quiet Jean could have mistaken the last words as a whisper. She frowned.
"And he took it badly, didn't he?"
"Yes and no." Scott breathed. "He kicked me out. We danced around each other for a few days until we both decided to be big boys and talk about it. And… We did. I asked him if he felt the same way I did and when he told me he didn't know. I-" He swallowed. "Maybe if I was just better at my emotions. If I wasn't so goddamn emotionally inept. Jesus! I got upset! I mean, I don't know if I just got rejected or accepted and I just need to know so I can either get over him or pursue him, you know? I'm so messed up. I need to stop pining over him if there's nothing there. But I can't as long as there's even a whisper of a chance. But I got upset because I'm so mad at myself for making things complicated and why couldn't I just have feelings for someone I know I can get with?" He threw his hands up in the air before letting them drop back down. "I guess I… I walked away from him. Sorta. We got back inside the Institute via teleporting and I literally ripped my hand out of his and walked away. He's getting so many mixed signals from me and it's not like how things were when I thought I was falling for you. You could just read my mind and know what was up! Kurt? He's clueless!"
He took a deep shaky breath before looking back up at Jean. "Yeah," she said softly. "You did mess up a bit. Maybe the ripping your hand away from his was a bad idea, Scott."
He scowled. "You think I don't know that? I'm team leader! How am I supposed to lead the whole team when I can't even look at Kurt without feeling like a major douche anymore?"
Jean pursed her lips together and let out a sigh. "This is probably the last thing you want to hear but… Give it time. It'll pass over." Anger flared up in Scott.
"Give it time? That's what everyone tells me for everything. I can't control my powers and the Professor is always telling me to 'give it time', I don't feel like a good team leader, Ororo says 'give it time'. Now this? Give it time. I'm sick of giving things time, Jean. What if I never gain control over my powers? What if I'm never a good team leader? What if this doesn't blow over and Kurt thinks I hate him for the rest of our lives?"
"Well, then, that's the reality you'll have to face. But maybe if you weren't so pessimistic about outcomes, things would seem much brighter. I don't know how to help you Scott. All I can offer you is to either let it pass, or talk to him."
"I already did and I fucked things up worse!"
Jean just gave Scott a weird look. "Then deal with those consequences and wait for things to blow over." The bell rang. "I've got to get to class and so do you." She turned on her heals and exited the library, leaving Scott in the back corner, his mind in turmoil. He got up, swearing and headed to his next class.
After school, there was Danger Room practice. Scott had wished for anything but. They were all suited up and had been divided into teams. They were practicing fighting one and another and occasionally the teams were divided unevenly so that the students were forced to work harder. At one point, a sharp scream- of real pain- cut through the air and everyone stopped. Warren dropped Kurt whose eyes were wide and terrified looking, who had been struggling in his grip, and whose sharp fangs were stained with blood.
Warren held his wrist close to his body, pain and surprise on his face. Dark red blood oozed out from between his fingers. "He bit me!" He accused. Kurt's eyes came back to life, filling with tears and horror and he teleported out of the Danger Room in a panic. Most of the people rushed over to Warren, Scott included. Jean stopped him, frowning.
"Go look for Kurt; make sure he's okay. He looked… off." She turned before Scott could object, rushing over to Warren as well.
Scott, hesitant, ran out of the Danger Room, looking for Kurt. Time passed and he couldn't find him. Until he remembered a spot where Kurt most likely went. He took a deep breath and ran out to a balcony, looking for the best way to get up onto the roof. He climbed, grateful for the gloves he had on. He knew some of his nails would be missing if he hadn't been wearing them. He got to the top, breathless and arms feeling like noodles. He saw Kurt there, curled up and staring off to the woods behind the manor. He quietly approached him and sat down. "Hey."
Kurt jumped and flinched away. " Es tut mir Leid !" He cried out. "I'm sorry. I hadn't meant to! I-I" Tears were spilling over his eyes and running down already damp fur. "It was an accident. I panicked. I felt so confined und closed in und I asked him to let go of me but I don't think he understood what was wrong und… I didn't want to hurt Engel . Never wanted to hurt him. He's mein freund und I bit him und I'm s-sorry. Please don't be mad…" He swallowed and looked up, eyes darkening further when he saw Scott and the tears fell faster and thicker and his lower lip trembled worse than it already had been.
Before he could move to teleport away, Scott grabbed Kurt's knee. This ended up with both of them landing awkwardly on Kurt's bedroom floor. "Leave me alone!" He cried out, trying to scramble from Scott's hand. But Scott tightened his grip, possibly leaving bruises in Kurt's knee who made a small sound of pain. "Let me go! Lass los !"
"No!"
" Ja !"
Scott, who was physically stronger, pulled Kurt into his arms, careful to keep the other's mouth away from his body so that he didn't end up like Warren. "Kurt! Kurt please!"
"Let me go let me go lass los lass los lass los !" He took a deep, uneven breath. It was shallow. "Bitte, ich kann nicht atmen . Scott! I CAN'T BREATHE!" He was shaking and breathing funny, his eyes wide and unseeing. Scott let go of him, throwing his hands up.
"Kurt, please," his voice had gone soft. "Please. Just talk to me."
Kurt was crying, sobbing and holding himself, curled up. Suddenly, he looked so much younger to Scott than he really was. His sobs were great, making his whole body shake and tremble with the exertion of trying to breath. He kept coughing and it seemed like he was going to throw up. But Scott kept his distance, not wanting to make it even worse. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Kurt's sobs became silent and his rocking slowed and his eyes cleared and he could unravel himself. He still shook but he didn't seem like he was going to bolt at the slightest sound. "Kurt," Scott said, voice low and desperate. "Please talk to me. Tell me what happened. I promise I won't touch you or go near you if you don't want me to."
Kurt nodded, swallowing hard. When he spoke, he was hard to understand, voice thick, accent deep, and words shaking. " Engel didn't… he didn't do anything wrong. So please don't be mad him." He shook his head, putting it on his knees which he pulled up to his chest. "He grabbed me to subdue me und… I just suddenly felt like I could… couldn't breath. I saw nothing but darkness und I was back in Germany when the ringleader of the circus was selling me to another circus because he didn't want me anymore. They put me in a small dark box und when we showed up at the circus, they decided they didn't want me either und they sold me to group who wanted… to do bad things. Und I was kept in that box for so long und it was so small und I couldn't breathe. It's not Engel's fault I freaked out. He… He didn't know. I'm sorry. Is he okay? Don't be mad at him, it was all my fault. I didn't mean to bite him. Oh, I bit him. Is it bad?" He started crying again. "I'm so sorry! Please! Make sure he's okay and he doesn't get in trouble! This is all my fault!"
Scott felt like his heart was breaking into hundreds of pieces. Here Kurt was, talking about a traumatic experience and blaming the whole situation on himself. When it wasn't either of their faults, Kurt was carrying all of it and damning himself. "Hey, Kurt. Look at me."
Kurt shook his head and continued to cry into his knees. "Warren is fine. It wasn't a bad bite at all. He didn't know that would trigger you and I doubt you really knew either. We haven't done any training where you would happen to get grabbed like that. Don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. And I'm sure that once we explain things to the Professor, he'll understand as well, alright?"
Kurt shook his head again. "This is all my fault, Scott. I'm a monster. I attacked a friend. I could have and probably would have hurt you, too! I need to be stopped before I do something worse! Ich bin ein Monster…"
Anger flared in Scott, but not so much toward Kurt as much as towards whoever would do something to make Kurt believe such things. "You are not! You're not a monster! You are- Kurt!" Scott let out an exasperated sound. "You are an amazing person. You are selfless and caring and kind. You put others first, always! You do your best to make sure that people are comfortable at your own expense! Here you are, triggered by a horrible experience, and you're making sure that Warren doesn't get in trouble . You are the least monstrous person I know, Kurt! Th-The… The Pope would be blessed to meet you! God should be making sure that Heaven is as ready as ever and comfortable for when you get there. They should play trumpets as you enter the gates and there should be a spot next to God waiting for you because, Kurt. You are a goddamn angel ."
Before Kurt could interject, Scott continued. "You've been through so much pain and agony and horrible, horrible things. The least any of us could do is literally lay down for you to walk all over us. We aren't worth your time, your grace, your pureness. Literally, you should be allowed to do whatever you fucking want because you are literally the best person on this planet. So what you look a little funny? Don't we all? Have you seen some of the people at school? Everyone has something weird about their looks! But looks don't deem someone's personality? You've never gone out of your way to hurt someone, have you? You never woke up and said 'today, I'm going to stab someone in the chest!'" He scoffed and shook his head. "Like you said to me, no one has a place in this world to judge others. No one here is going to ever hate you. 'Cept maybe Logan, but he hates everyone. So start cutting yourself a break, man. You're important to us. To the Professor, to Ororo, to Jean, Kitty, Rouge, Spyke, to… to me…"
Kurt looked at Scott with wide eyes and his mouth parted as if to say something to everything Scott had just said to him. But then he bamf ed away and left Scott sitting in the dimness of Kurt's room.
Scott cursed and walked out into the hallway. Jean was walking down that way. A woman on a mission. "Scott, did you find him? Is he okay?"
"He's… I talked to him. He's pretty upset but… I fucked up again, I think? He was fine, he was sitting there letting me talk to him and he kinda talked back but then suddenly he looked like a goddamn deer in headlights and bamfed away." He shook his head. "I don't know where. He might be on the roof, which is where I originally found him. I almost lost him, but I got a hold of his knee and dammit!" Scott hit himself in the leg in frustration. "I'm really failing at this stupid team leader thing." He sighed. "Is Warren okay?"
Jean nodded. "It wasn't very deep and we're all pretty sure Kurt doesn't have rabies." She laughed slightly before clearing her throat awkwardly. "Hank wrapped it up after cleaning it out. He'll be fine in no time." She looked around. "So Kurt disappeared after you guys talked? What did he say?"
"He's blaming himself. Wanted to make sure Warren didn't get in trouble. Kept saying that Warren isn't at fault and that he was. But then he told me what he felt like, what had happened and, Jean… no one's at fault but the people who've hurt Kurt in the past. And he doesn't believe me when I say it so he needs others to say it. But… I don't feel like it's my place to blurt out what Kurt told me to everyone." He shook his head as they walked down the hallway. "I mean, I'm going to tell the Professor, I have to for Kurt and Warren's sake." He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "I feel so bad for Kurt; he's had it pretty hard and it just seems to follow him around like a dark cloud. He thinks he's this horrible person but…"
"He's so nice," Jean whispered. "He's such a sweetie and when he's not so out of it, he's such a jokester. He's always making us laugh and he's so selfless and… how could he even think he's a monster?"
"Try asking him yourself, because it's starting to really bring me down when I try to tell him how good he is and he just tells me how horrible he is. I feel like such a fucking failure. I can't even keep my teammates from hating themselves. Where's all that morale I'm supposed to be spreading, Jean? I suck at this. I shouldn't be team leader. It should be you. It doesn't matter that I was here first; I'm not cut out for it. You're so good at taking care of people and all I do is make matters worse."
"Now, that's just not true, Scott!"
"But it is! Kurt was having a down time, I tell him to talk to me, I literally made things worse! Remember when Rouge was having trouble with hand-to-hand combat and I tried to help her out? I literally just made it harder for her to understand and you had to sit down and explain it to her. I couldn't even get Spyke to look at me after I accidentally insulted him. He's still holding that grudge. You're better cut out to lead than I am. I'm just a fuck up. I always have been and always will be. Hell, I couldn't even save my brother or parents." He laughed bitterly, shaking his head.
Jean frowned, watching him carefully. They stopped in front of the Professor's office, the doors ajar to show Charles and Ororo sitting in there, talking. "Come in," he called.