Chapter 17: Watch over Me

"Sister?"

Aveline's voice woke Esme out of the almost trance-like state she had been in. She had been sitting beside Royce's bedside, listening as his breathing slowed and became more even…

…It was a good sound, she thought, a calming sound.

In time, the warrior would make a full recovery.

The sister rubbed her eyes, the sights and sounds of the Hanged Man once again invaded her senses. This was not the kindest place she had ever been in, but it was also not the worst. She had seen some very bad places on her way to Orlais from Ferelden…

Some of those places would make the bar in which she now found herself look like a paradise.

She glanced up at the warrior woman, the Guard Captain of Kirkwall stood in the doorway, her cool eyes taking in all that was before her. Esme had seen such distance before from some of the Templars in the Circle Tower, the men and women who could look so distant were either some of the order's finest, or the biggest bullies in the tower.

Considering the compassion that Hawke had showed them on the docks, Esme was willing to guess the former of the brave warrior.

Captain Aveline did not strike her as a bully.

"How is he doing," she asked, "Your friend?"

Esme sighed and shook her head.

"He lost a lot of blood," she said, "He will need food and rest before we can strike out again."

The Guard Captain chuckled.

"Rest, he will be able to find here, food well…"

Aveline shook her head.

"Food in the Hanged Man is something of an acquired taste... Hopefully, your friend will not need to be here long enough to acquire it."

Esme smiled with amusement, as the guard captain made her way over to where she sat, the warrior woman sat down at one of the chairs at Varric's table.

For a moment the two women sat in a comfortable silence, only the sound of the bar down below, and the gentle breathing of the sleeping warrior lying on the bed.

Esme sighed.

She realized that she was being rude.

"Thank you," she murmured, "Your kindness is most appreciated, as are Master Varric and Lady Hawke's. A million blessings upon you for aiding us as you did."

Aveline snorted.

"No, blessings are necessary, sister," she said, "dealing with slavers is a duty of mine and as for Varric and Hawke…"

The guard captain smiled.

"The reward money is all they need."

Esme pursed her lips; the guard captain's friends did not seem as…mercenary as she made them sound. In fact, the sister suspected that both the mage and the dwarf possessed good souls. How else could you explain how they swooped in at the group's hour of greatest need?

Royce groaned in his sleep, Esme turned, her expression thoughtful, the warrior did not seem to be in any pain, but…

She pursed her lips.

It was Royce who had saved her in her village. It was Royce that had given her the courage to stay. There were moments that she feared that she had no place among their group. Lyna, Bok, Kierhen, even Findel had abilities that made them powerful, warriors on the cusp of becoming legends…

Esme was not any of these things…she was simply…her.

She frowned slightly.

She was no longer sure if simply being her was enough.

She gently stroked Royce's cheek; she cooed softly trying to calm him. She did not know if he could hear her, but the least she could do was offer both compassion and comfort.

It was her calling after all.

"Have you been with your friends long?"

She looked up, and blushed, in her concern for Royce she had forgotten briefly that Aveline was even here.

It was strange how the mind can play tricks on a person.

"I've been with the company only a short time," she admitted, before that I was a humble sister in a small village in Orlais, before that I worked in the Circle Tower of Ferelden."

Aveline nodded.

"I was wondering about that," the guard captain said.

"About what," Esme asked.

The warrior woman sighed.

"I was married to a Templar," she began, "Wesley always used to say that you can tell priests and Templars that have spent a great deal of time around mages."

She smiled sadly.

"Unlike those who have avoided contact with mages, these seem to be drawn into the company of those who use magic; they are more comfortable there than anyone else would be."

Esme frowned.

Thinking about the tower brought back too many memories of Aubrey, of what the Knight-Commander had taken from him, what she had been unable to prevent.

She shook her head; she had no desire to speak about the tower, about what she had lost. The Guard Captain meant well, but it was none of her concern.

"Does your husband approve of you associating with a mage and her crew," she asked, "I can't imagine he is most pleased with that?"

Aveline looked away, a pained expression on her face.

"Wesley did not accompany me here to Kirkwall," she said.

"Oh," Esme said, "Is he assigned elsewhere? I know that can be hard when…"

The pained expression on Aveline's face made the sister realize the truth.

She winced at the sudden realization.

Oh Maker, she thought.

I am a fool.

"I…um…I'm sorry," she stammered, "I…I did not mean…"

Aveline waved her hand dismissively.

"Wesley is gone," she said flatly, "The Blight sickness took him, and there was nothing I could do…"

She shook her head.

"I dealt with that pain long ago."

Esme shook her head.

She felt like an insensitive fool. How many Fereldans had lost loved ones to the darkspawn? Should it have come as any surprise that the Guard Captain might have been one of them?

"I'm sorry," she murmured again.

She felt like a complete and utter fool.

Aveline sighed.

"I've been trying to move on," she admitted, "But it is not easy, too much has happened. I…I'm starting to wonder if I will ever move on, or if my ability to feel that way again is lost."

She shook her head.

"He deserves better than that."

Esme gave her an arched look.

"He who?" she inquired.

The Guard Captain blushed scarlet.

"A good man who deserves better than me," she said, "Let us leave it at that."

Aveline shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Esme wished that she could think of some words that would help the woman find peace, but in that moment, her mind remained blank.

Comfort was not easy to come by in this world.

She knew that from experience.

Then she thought of Aubrey, he had never given up, not even at the very end.

She frowned.

She would not dishonor his memory by abandoning hope.

She smiled.

"You should not give up on love, Guard Captain," she said softly, "It is worth the risk. Even if it does not work out, you will be better for the attempt."

Aveline's eyes narrowed.

"Even if the attempt rips my heart out?" she demanded.

Esme shrugged.

"At least then you will know," the sister continued, "At least you will be able to heal in time."

She gave the warrior woman a sad smile.

"Trust me, 'what if' is one of the hardest things to live with it. Don't let love turn into 'what if.'

Aveline pursed her lips, her brow furrowed with thought, when it was over, she smiled slightly.

"You sound like you are speaking from experience."

"Not really," Esme shrugged, "I joined the chantry at a young age. There was no time for romance, not for me."

"Really," Aveline said, she sounded genuinely surprised, "I…I assumed you and your friend were…"

Esme blinked. She looked down at Royce and back up at Aveline, at Royce and then Aveline.

She…she…

Oh Maker!

She blushed pure scarlet.

"I…um…uh…no," she said suppressing a nervous giggled.

"No what?" Aveline asked.

Esme's blush intensified.

"Royce and I…we…um…were not…not…well…not that way."

"Oh," Aveline said, "Considering your reaction to his being injured. I just thought…"

Esme looked down, afraid to meet the other woman's gaze.

Part of her wished there was some hole that she might crawl into…that would have been nice.

Much better than sitting here, that was for certain.

"Royce saved my life," she informed the guard captain. "I owe him a great debt, one that I likely will never be able to repay."

She shook her head.

"He is my shining knight, but…I took vows. I made a promise."

She sighed sadly.

"I can never have…that."

Aveline gave her a sad look.

"I'm sorry sister. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable."

Esme shook her head.

"You did nothing," she informed the warrior woman, "I am merely…I'm simply trying to…"

Esme found that she had no words to describe how she felt at that moment.

She swallowed hard.

When Aubrey had been taken to the Circle she had not hesitated. He was her brother, her twin, her other half.

The thought of being separated from him, at the time, it was almost more than she could bear. She had not hesitated, she had not even thought twice. Only through the chantry had she any chance of remaining close to her brother. What she was giving up by taking the vows of a sister, she had not given it a single thought.

Now that Aubrey was gone…now that he was lost to her.

She wondered if she had made a mistake, not that it mattered. What was done was done.

She would not betray her vows.

She looked down at Royce, her brave warrior, her shining knight.

For a brief moment she felt a flash of anger and self-pity. She felt…regret.

It was more painful than any blade or arrow.

She shivered, but at the same time she steeled her heart.

She had made a choice, now she had to live with it.

It was her duty, her calling.

She would not abandon it. She couldn't.

She steeled her courage, burying the pain in her heart.

I made my choice, she thought.

For Aubrey, I made it.

She took a cleansing breath.

Now…she had to live with it.

…No matter what.

IOI

Esme was grateful when Aveline had finally left her side, she did not mean to seem ungrateful, but the Guard Captain had brought up some rather uncomfortable emotions.

The sister sighed.

It was better that those thoughts stayed buried.

A few moments after she had left, Lyna came to join her. Their leader was understandably concerned for Royce's health. Esme was pleased to report that they need not worry.

By morning, Royce she believed would be able to move.

Lyna nodded, she said that she hoped so. In the morning Hawke had promised to bring them to the Black Emporium, a place that was more than a simple store, if the apostate was to be believed.

The Dalish frowned.

Everyone would need to be at their best, that included Esme.

She gave the sister a small smile, and offered to sit with Royce for a while. The sister needed her rest too.

Esme declined, she was quite used to staying up for long periods of time. The vigils she had performed at the Chantry were nothing compared what she was doing now.

The warden nodded.

She accepted the sister's words, at least, for now, though she still advised that Esme at least try and get some rest.

They had a big day coming tomorrow.

They would all need to be at their best.

Esme nodded, and offered a quick silent prayer.

She prayed that the Maker give them strength. They might need it tomorrow.

That and that he might watch over them.

After all, wasn't that what everyone deserved…

…Someone to watch over them.