A/N: Sorry for the prolonged silence, I was suddenly landed with an insane deadline that dragged me away and filled my head with other things for a week. As always, thank you to MissyHissy3 for betaing, and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to review. x

Thirty Five

"Survival is insufficient. It's got to be one of the best lines ever written for a TV show. Don't tell me you've never seen Star Trek: Voyager."

Station Eleven – Emily St John Mandel*

Her cell was ringing. It had been ringing every five minutes since 8am. One of the calls had been Tom, but the rest had been Phoebe. Kathryn glanced at the screen to see her sister's name there yet again. She put the phone down and crossed slowly to the room's large, softly curtained window as the tinny sound repeated and repeated before eventually cutting off. The silence that followed was punctuated by a beep. Kathryn wondered how much more space there was on her answering service. It had to be nearly full. She hadn't listened to any of the messages: she could already imagine the substance of what they would contain. Phoebe must already know about the split or she wouldn't be so persistent. The idea that her sister had somehow colluded with Mark over this was enough to make at least some of the pain and guilt in Kathryn's gut feel more like a helpless kind of anger. At some point she'd have to confront her sister about that.

But not right now.

Outside, the day had dawned with characteristic Californian enthusiasm. The sky was the blue of the Ceylon sapphires that studded the band of her mother's engagement ring. The thought made Kathryn look down at the newly bare nature of her own left hand. The ring Mark had given her had become such a part of her that Kathryn hadn't even thought to remove it before she'd left his house the previous night. When she'd reached the Hilton she'd stood in the centre of her room in the dark. Her engine had carried her that far and then failed, forward momentum parsing through heavy limbs into the kind of exhaustion that makes sleep impossible. She'd looked down and seen her ring, the diamond glinting like the North Star as it somehow managed to find the last available light in the room. Kathryn had gently tugged it from her finger and laid it in the palm of her hand; a downed celestial marker that had lost its ability to provide a sense of direction, because there was no longer a sure path home, nor any home to aim for.

Kathryn had put the ring in the safe. There would be an appropriate way to return it to Mark. There would be an appropriate way to handle everything: cancelling the wedding arrangements, for example. She'd just have to work out exactly what that was.

Her cell rang again.

She ignored it.

The huge hotel bed was undisturbed. Kathryn hadn't even removed her coat. Instead she'd sat in the armchair by the window and stared into the darkness outside while feeling another darkness gathering within. It was in danger of swallowing her whole, she recognised, a depression she had hitherto held at bay with a purpose that, through her own fault, no longer existed. The solution was to find a new goal, a new reason to keep going. If she dwelt too long on what she had lost with Mark, on what she had so stupidly let slip out of her grasp, she would sink without trace.

Somewhere around 3am the answer had occurred to her. She'd picked up her phone and searched for an email that had popped into her inbox a week or so previously, in the wake of the Maywood Project's sudden notoriety. She'd read it with detached interest then, as something that might have been a good proposition at another point in her life, but not right then, not with the wedding looming and the new projects closer to home to put in motion. But with the kind of clarity that only comes in the darkest hours before the dawn, Kathryn realised that now - now it could be exactly what she needed. She'd re-read the email and nodded to herself. Yes, she'd decided. It was ideal. It would mean Tom taking control sooner than Kathryn had perhaps anticipated, but that wasn't a problem. He was ready.

Now, hours later, she stared out at California and wondered what sort of landscape she'd be waking to a month from now. There was a lot to plan. But at least she wouldn't need to go through the struggle of finding a new apartment.

Her cell rang again. She didn't answer it. A second after it rang off, there was a knock at the door.

Frowning, Kathryn crossed to the door but didn't answer it. "Who is it?" she called.

There was a pause and then: "Room service."

Kathryn sagged against the wall. She'd know that voice anywhere. "Go away, Phoebe."

"Kathryn, open the damn door," her sister snapped, "or so help me God I will start yelling through it."

Kathryn stayed still for another moment, then reached out and flipped the lock. Phoebe immediately pushed inside. The two sisters glared at each other.

"How did you find me?"

"How do you think?"

Kathryn jerked away from the wall and moved into the room. "I don't want to talk to you, Phoebe. If I did, I'd have answered one of your fifty calls."

"I brought you some clothes," her sister told her, and Kathryn glanced around to see her tossing an overnight bag onto the bed. "I figured you'd probably need some. But hey, no need to thank me, really."

Kathryn spun to face her. "Thank you? When you knew this was coming – you knew, don't try to pretend you didn't – and you didn't warn me? When this is all probably down to you? What did you say to him? What did you say to him, Phoebe?"

"I didn't say anything."

"Bullshit."

"I didn't say anything," Phoebe bellowed, incensed.

Kathryn turned away, not believing it for a moment, wishing she were alone.

"He wanted to talk to me. And you know what the first thing he said was? 'I've always known I love her more than she loves me.' I didn't have to tell Mark a damn thing, Kathryn. He already knew."

Kathryn looked down at her hands, and then out of the window, tired eyes squinting in the strong sun. "It's not true."

"It is true. For pity's sake, Kathryn, it is true. It's not fair to him to pretend otherwise. Not when he's done something this difficult. This selfless."

Kathryn put one hand on her hip and rubbed the other over her forehead. "Well, I suppose it's irrelevant now, isn't it? It's done and there's no undoing it. Time to move on."

There was a brief silence. "What are you going to do?" Phoebe asked. "You know you can stay with Karl and me for as long as you need while you find somewhere to live."

Kathryn shook her head. "I won't be looking for somewhere to live. Not here, anyway."

"What do you mean?"

She turned to look at Phoebe. "I'll be in Japan for at least the next two years. So I won't need anywhere here for a long time."

The look of utter shock on her sister's face was almost enough to make Kathryn's lips curl into a bitter smile.

"What?"

"A company called Sulu Systems has offered me a job. They want my help to get Fukushima back on its feet, or at least part of it. They want to do something that will give the local people hope in a brighter future for the area." Kathryn clenched her jaw. "How's that for an urban regeneration project?"

"Kathryn – you can't."

"No? Why not? It's not as if I have anything here, is it? Not any more. I need a new focus, a new challenge. I'd say the site of a radioactive spill fits the bill pretty perfectly, wouldn't you?"

Phoebe clamped her lips together so tightly that they formed a livid red line in her paling face. Kathryn watched as her sister shook her head once, twice, apparently entirely robbed of any other form of response.

Kathryn took a breath, forcing air into her lungs, willing herself to stillness and calm. Saying it aloud reinforced what a good move the role in Japan would be for her right now. She'd be surrounded but isolated, entirely occupied and completely insulated. She'd be able to work, without distractions, without external influences. She'd find a way through this, all of it. She'd come out the other side. She'd survive. She always did.

"What about Chakotay?"

"What's he got to do with any of this?"

Phoebe stared at her. "Are you serious?"

Kathryn threw her hands up. "I honestly don't know what you want from me, Phoebe."

"I want you to act like a human being! I want you to realise what you're doing to yourself and just stop! I want you to just see him, just talk to him-"

"Oh, because what? I strike you as the kind of woman who can't get by on her own?" Kathryn shouted. "Is that really what you think, Phoebe? That I need to be with a man or I just won't cope?"

"No," said Phoebe. "No, Kathryn, I just think you need to be with this man. Just this one. And I think you know it. I think you've known it from the moment you met him, and I think that's why now, now, when there's actually the chance that you could be with him without obstruction and without guilt, you've suddenly decided that what you really, really need to do is MOVE TO FUCKING JAPAN!"

"This has nothing to do with Chakotay," Kathryn hissed, "other than the fact that I made one terrible error of judgement where he is concerned and I've paid for it heavily."

"There's a fine line between an error of judgement and a moment of truth, Kathryn, and I'm pretty sure you're looking at that one from the wrong direction."

"My god, it must be so wonderful to be you," Kathryn spat. "To be so completely convinced that you know what's right for everyone."

"Not for everyone. Just for you. Just right now, and just for you, I can see it more clearly than you will ever let yourself acknowledge. Because I saw your heart in your eyes when I asked you how you felt when Chakotay kissed you. That was just a kiss, Kathryn, but the mere memory of it lit you up in a way I have never seen. It's there. It's there, you just won't let yourself feel it."

"And even if I did, what am I supposed to do? Rock up to his hospital bed and say, 'Hey, Chakotay, here's the deal – I'm single now, so how about it?'"

Phoebe spread her hands. "I'm pretty sure that'd work, Kathryn. Men aren't that complicated."

Kathryn shook her head. "As if I would. As if I could after what I've just done to Mark."

"Mark wants you to be happy. He didn't break it off so you could flagellate yourself by staying single for the rest of your life!"

Kathryn rubbed a hand over her eyes. "I'm not talking about this any more. All right? Thank you for the clothes. Now please go so I can shower and change into them. I've got a lot to do." She looked up at her sister. "Cancelling a wedding, for instance."

Phoebe looked at her for another minute and Kathryn saw defeat blooming in her eyes. She nodded and then made for the door.

"Phoebe-" Kathryn said, before she reached it. She watched as her sister turned back toward her, trying to work out how to frame her next words. "Phoebe, I've lost almost everything I love – everything – twice now. And it's too much. It's too much. I can't do that again. I can't risk it happening again. Not for anything. No matter what might-" she stopped.

Her sister looked at her with sad eyes. "Then what are you going to do?"

Kathryn mustered a smile. "I'll do what I always do. Work. And survive."

[TBC]

*Those that have read this book will know that I've slightly condensed this line. Those that haven't read this book – it's wonderful. Put it on your Christmas list! I'd buy you all a copy if I could.