So my usual update schedule is one update every other week. BUT I figured since I made you guys wait so long for the last chapter, I'd go ahead and post this one now that I've finished it. And I hope you like it!
Asuni laughed and clapped along as Lieutenant Ji strummed his instrument. One of the men was belting out a bawdy tavern song to the general enjoyment of the crew. Many of them were singing along if they knew the words, and cheering and clapping like she was if they didn't. Asuni new the words, but she could only imagine Zuko's expression if she started singing along.
Her eyes shifted from the singing soldier to the door that led down into the ship. The prince had vanished down there after the singing started. Not that she could blame him on that, because some of his crew were utterly and completely tone deaf.
Her face fell.
Thing between them held a tenseness that didn't use to be there. Before they might have talked companionably, but now the words came strained and stilted, overly polite and not at all intimate. Her secret loomed over them at all times, and she hated it. For the first time, she absolutely hated the cover that had protected her. It had driven a wedge between them that would be slow and painful to remove. Two years of trust, washed down the drain, no matter how they tried to pretend.
Asuni's laughs were long since gone, no replaced by a hefty sigh as sorrow filled her face.
Not that that mattered anymore.
She'd had no choice but to send a letter to Lo Shen explaining that her cover had been blown. The report was painfully formal but littered with apologies. It had agonized her to write. The reply had been even more agonizing. Its ashes now rested in the over down in the kitchen, but she could still remember the note she'd gotten in reply word for painful word.
Invasion of North Pole planned by Zhao. Commandeering ships and crew for fleet. Prince's ship targeted. You are being removed from the mission. Go with Zhao. Take your equipment. Find Zamin, he will preserve cover until you return. Things happen.
She was leaving. If not tonight, then tomorrow morning Zhao would arrive and strip Zuko of his crew. She would be taken along, ferried back to the capitol to receive a new mission or to train. She'd go back to the palace kitchens and that life of cooking meals in the day and sneaking away to learn at night that now seemed painfully boring. She'd seen so many places and met so many people in Zuko's charge, and giving that up – giving him up – bordered on agonizing.
Asuni's eyes lowered to the deck. She wasn't stupid. She knew that what she felt for her prince was beyond what a bodyguard should feel for her principle. She'd tried to convince herself it was just loyalty – the pure kind of loyalty of a Royal Guard member – but weak defenses only lasted so long against self-introspection. Then she tried friends. Yes, the prince was her friend, that was easy to acknowledge. She helped him and took care of him, and he tried to do the same for her. Friends behaved that way?
But then things changed. She couldn't pinpoint when – it might have been anywhere from when they found the Avatar at the South Pole to when he ended up on top of her at the abbey. But suddenly friendship didn't cover it. Her feelings for the prince suddenly turned romantic, and that wasn't acceptable.
Aside from the fact that the prince very obviously didn't have feelings of that kind for her, there was the fact that her lie now hung over them like an anvil on a fraying rope – it would drop soon, and hard. Then there was the fact that with the war over Zuko would be used to solidify the peace, probably marrying a diplomat's daughter, maybe Princess Yue or some Earth Kingdom Councilman's child. She couldn't justify giving up that valuable playing piece for the Fire Nation because she had a crush.
Then again crush didn't really cover what she felt. The word crush implied some starry-eyed school girl mooning over the neighborhood stud. It seemed to cheapen what she felt. Her feelings for the prince were complex, a mixture of loyalty, empathy, understanding, comradeship, and a mix of a hundred other things she hadn't the time to figure out names for. It was not love – but it could be given time.
Perhaps it was good that she was leaving, in a way. It would certainly save her from dealing with whatever aftermath the woman in black would leave. And with distance and time, her feelings would assuredly fade. Asuni refused to believe she could be like one of those foolish heroine in the old tragedies – forever sighing and cooing over the man she served without ever receiving so much as a soft look in return for her troubles.
"Our cook is looking far too serious!"
Iroh's voice carried over the deck. Asuni's head named up, eyes widening in surprise. She was startled to see how many of the men had wandered off to their berths while she'd been lost in depressing thought after depressing thought. There was only a handful left, not counting herself and the retired general.
Iroh beamed at her, gesturing her over from her perch on the rail. Asuni stood up, calling in reply, "Just lost in thought, nothing to be concerned over!"
"Ah," Iroh nodded in understanding, "I've lost myself in the depths of my mind more often than I can count. But it's Music Night, a time to be happy! Come on Asuni, sing a duet with me!"
Asuni blinked, holding up her hands. "No, Iroh, I don't think-"
Her hesitance wasn't because she was embarrassed to sing in public – on the contrary, singing was one of the skills she'd been trained in. A woman singing on a street corner was unremarkable enough, but was in a prime position to hear marketplace gossip. She knew her voice was good – not good enough for a palace, perhaps, but definitely better than many.
Her hesitance was due to the fact that Iroh was not the best of singers, and it was incredibly hard to sound decent when next to someone who didn't know what they were doing.
The men broke into cheers though, urging her to join him. Asuni sighed, a small smile coming back to her face. Well, why not? It would definitely distract her from the melancholy thoughts she'd been thinking.
"Four Seasons?" Asuni suggested. Predictably, Iroh agreed. It was one of his favorite songs. The musicians gathered up their instruments, played the first notes, and they were off.
Winter, spring, summer, and fall
Winter, spring, summer, and fall
Four seasons, four loves
Four seasons, four loves
Asuni smiled as two of the men started dancing, overacting as they pretended to be a pair of lovers. One of them was batting his eyelashes so much he looked like he had a condition and she other had puffed out his chest so far his back was bent.
Her ears pricked at the sound of footsteps coming up the gangplank from the dock. She turned around. Iroh heard her stop and turned to see what had distracted her. So did the rest of the men. A string broke poignantly as four soldiers walked on board. Flanking them was Commander Zhao.
"Lovely," Asuni muttered under her breath, nose wrinkling in distaste.
"Shh," Iroh cautioned as Zhao and his escort came closer, the former with a superior smirk imprinted on his face.
"General Iroh," Zhao greeted pompously. He sneered down his nose. "Cook."
Asuni turned from him, sliding her hands into her sleeves and bowing to Iroh.
"Good night, sir," she murmured, and turned away. She didn't need to stay to know what was going on. This was what she'd been warned about. Now she walked down into the ship, heading for the kitchen. When she arrived, she headed immediately to the store room, retrieving the divided box. She placed her herbs in their spots and left it sitting on the counter to grab on her way out.
Asuni went next to her room. For the first time in two years, she dragged her bag out from under her berth. It was covered in dust. She gave it a hearty smack to get the worst of it out and waved it around, coughing as dirt got in her nose and throat.
Asuni stared at the bag sadly. It was hard to believe it had been so long since she'd come in here. She'd unloaded her herbs and her clothes and settled in. At first she was disappointed in the meager supplies and space she h access to, but now she expected she'd have problems getting used to the frantic bustle of the palace kitchen once she returned. She smirked slightly, imagining the other cooks with their ingredients spread out all over the counter, and then herself, everything jammed together.
Shaking herself out of memories, Asuni quickly went to her cubby and unlocked it, yanking everything out in one bundle and depositing it onto the bed. She was supposed to take it all with her, according to the note. The Royal Guard probably hadn't had time to stock Zhao's ship, or his wasn't one of the many equipped with a cache for hiding goods.
She absently hummed the rest of the song she was singing with Iroh as she folded her clothes, arranging them in her bag. Her scrolls were tucked into the middle, inside a group of pants and a cloak to keep them safe and hidden. She couldn't imagine losing the only family heirlooms she had.
It was a good thing that there was an oilskin bag tucked in with everything, treated to keep out water. It was long, made to be slung across the chest. There was no way everything she had to add would fit in the bag she'd brought with her. Asuni disassembled her armor into individual leather pieces to make it fit and tucked them into the bottom, followed up by her daggers and the bundle of sheathes and belts. Anything metal was wrapped in clothes kept out for that purpose so it wouldn't make noise and draw attention to her.
Asuni stared at the last few items on her bed and sighed. Her sword, her black clothes, her mask, and her three-clawed hook and chain. The remains of a shattered disguise. She debated about even bringing the mask with her, to be honest. There wasn't much point to it anymore, in her mind.
"So it's true?"
Asuni whipped around, seizing her sword instinctively and drawing it from its sheath in one long sweep. She faced the door, sword held ready. Her eyes widened and her heart plummeted as she saw Zuko standing there in his training clothes, eyes wide, panting. His gaze combed over her slowly, taking in every inch of her stance, from her pointed toes to the arch of her arm as she held her sword in an arc over her head.
When his eyes finally made it back to hers, Asuni sighed. She lowered her sword, sliding it back into its sheath and placing it into the bag. Her heart was pounding as she quietly confirmed, "It's true."
She heard footsteps and saw from the corner of her eyes as Zuko stepped into her room, shutting the door behind him. Asuni held her breath as he came closer and closer to her, until his chest was barely a foot from her shoulder. He stopped, and one hand reached out. Her breath hitched as he picked up the mask, holding it up so that it faced him.
"Look at me," he ordered.
Asuni shifted so that they were face to face. She bit her lip as Zuko held the mask up to where her face would be. He lowered it, looking at her over the top.
"Silly to pretend, wasn't it?" she said softly. "You knew, I knew… Just fooling ourselves, huh?"
Asuni turned back to her packing, coiling the chain of her weapon around her forearm to get the loops even. She tucked it inside the oilskin bag, saying as she did, "You don't need to worry, my prince, you won't see me again."
"What?" Zuko sounded angry. He tossed the mask into the bag.
Asuni nodded, gnawing on her lip as she folded up her black clothing. "That's right. I've been pulled off of my assignment. You found out who I was; my cover was blown. I received orders two nights ago. When Zhao came, I was to go with him. I'm being recalled to the capitol. Maybe, once you capture the Avatar, I'll see you in the palace in passing, but beyond that, I'll try to stay out of your way. You don't have to acknowledge me, so don't worry about that. It's just-"
Zuko grabbed her arm and yanked her around to face him again. The black cloth slipped from her fingers to fall back into a messy heap on top of everything else in the bag. Asuni gasped as he leaned closer. Instinctively she leaned away, arching her back. Their faces were barely six inches apart and her heart was pounding. She cursed herself. This isn't the time for that!
"It's not like I hate the sight of you," Zuko growled. "So stop acting like it."
Asuni's eyes widened. "W-What? But I-"
"You lied," Zuko said bluntly, scowling at her. Asuni winced. "And I don't like that. But the whole time – the whole damn time you were here – you were protecting me. So really… I should be thanking you."
She couldn't believe it, her head was spinning. Zuko – notoriously prickly prince, prone to temper tantrums and fits of rage – didn't hate her. Her lies were not the anvil she'd thought it was. He didn't even seem all that annoyed about that part. And the look on his face, while it definitely wasn't pleasant, it wasn't spiteful either.
Years of training made her jaw unlock and her mouth form the words. "It was my duty."
She was close enough that she could watch his eyes dim and it hit her like a punch to the gut. His hand dropped from her arm, and the spot suddenly felt unreasonably cold. Immediately she regretted her words and sought a way to fix it. She caught his wrist before it could completely fall back to his side. She hadn't quite considered how intimate the gesture was when she was doing it, but now that she could feel warm skin against her fingers, it hit her like a fireball to the face. She shifted slightly.
"It was also my pleasure," she said, hoping her words would cover up her uncertainty. "When I first was assigned to be your guard… I was horrified," she admitted sheepishly. "The idea of leaving home for so long was scary to me, particularly with no idea of when I would return. I was only sent because the general thought my age would make you more comfortable with me than another guardsman.
"But the longer I stayed here, the more I got to know you… the more I understood the loyalty we are supposed to have. The absolute loyalty, the complete and absolute willingness to lay down your life for something you value. You impressed me more than anyone else ever has with your determination and your perseverance.
"I didn't fully understand it until I met you. You showed me what it truly meant to be what I am. A member of the Royal Guard." She'd never said it aloud to him before, and the words hung in the air between them. "And even though I'm leaving-"
Asuni paused, steeling herself for what she was about to do. There was no telling how the gesture would be received. Still, she had no way out now. She'd been building up to this the whole time. She took a step back to create some distance, then leaned forwards. Her grip shifted from Zuko's wrist to his hand as she bowed deeply. She placed her lips on the back of his hand, kissing the callused knuckles softly. She felt him stiffen as she did it, and took that her cue. She lifted her mouth away and straightened up, looking him directly in the eye.
"For that, you will always have my loyalty, my prince. And my thanks."
"Zuko."
Asuni paused. "What?"
His eyes were blazing gold, and so close. His expression was intent in a way she'd never seen it before when the Avatar wasn't around. It was that intense expression he got when he wanted something.
His cheeks went ever so slightly pink, but he refused to look away from her eyes. It took her breath away. "You care a lot about- about me. More than some of my family, even," he added through gritted teeth. "I think you've earned the right to call me by name."
Asuni gasped. "I-I can't!"
Zuko's eyes sharpened into that familiar glare. It soothed her somewhat, to see an expression on his face she was more used to. "If I say it's okay then you can. You have to follow my orders, right?"
Asuni bit her lip. "Technically I only have to follow the general's orders. I choose to follow yours."
"Then you'll do it," Zuko said decisively. Asuni bit her lip to fight back a chuckle.
"No, my prince, I mean I actually can't. What would it look like if a cook was calling a prince by her first name. You and I are the only ones on this ship who know that I'm more than that. And Iroh," she added as an afterthought.
"Uncle?" Zuko gaped. "He knew? For how long?"
"Pretty much since I got on board," Asuni admitted. "He recognized me as a royal guard almost immediately, but agreed to keep my secret."
"How?" Zuko demanded. "How did he know?"
Asuni reached up to touch her pendant. Zuko's face twisted with confusion. "The necklace? But he gave that to you."
Asuni snorted. "Ah, no. I'd been wearing it under my clothes since I arrived. The one Iroh bought for me was sent back to the general. It's our symbol, ho we identify contacts and those undercover in other countries. We can't know everyone by face. If one was just floating around.. it could be dangerous. Iroh knew that, so he bought the necklace for me. It gave me an excuse to wear it openly and kept it off the market."
"And how did he know about this necklace thing?" Zuko huffed. He looked a little petulant now, almost childishly put out by the fact that his uncle had known something he was just now finding out. Asuni chuckled.
"He's friends with the general."
"Who's this general you keep talking about? What's his name?"
Asuni shook her head. "Oh no, some things need to stay secret. But now you'll know whoever is my replacement when they arrive. They'll be wearing this necklace."
"Why do you have to leave?" Zuko demanded belligerently. "Why does it matter that I know who you are?"
Asuni hesitated. "It… it's not really so much that you know. It's that you figured it out."
"You sound like uncle," Zuko grunted irritably. Asuni chuckled weakly.
"Let me explain. We planned for me being in a situation where I had to reveal my identity or for something happened where my mask was removed. The problem is that you figured it out. That calls into question my abilities as an undercover worker. There will be a review of my actions, I'll probably be kept in the capitol for a while, working my way back up to going out undercover-"
"I didn't find out for two years!" Zuko scoffed. "That has to count for something."
Asuni shook her head. "It really doesn't. Some of us have held covers for decades. They were older, yes, but… we must be above reproach, particularly since I was dealing with the prince." She shook her head. "Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you more. You would have found all of this out anyway, new Fire Lords are always told so that they can have access to our abilities…."
"Wait, wait," Zuko stopped her. "So my father knows?"
Asuni nodded. "Yes, of course."
"Then… did he send you?" The hope rising in his eyes made her want to retch with the knowledge of the truth. She almost wanted to lie to him, and the affirmation was on the tip of her tongue before she bit it back and shook her head apologetically. His face fell.
"No," Asuni said softly. "I was assigned to you by the general himself. He wanted to make sure our future Fire Lord was kept safe."
"I see," Zuko said bitterly. "So you know before any o the other staff at the palace what had happened to me. You knew about this." His hand reached up, fingertips resting just below his scar.
Asuni hesitated to speak, then decided that keeping secrets had gotten her nowhere in the past. Besides, with her leaving eminent… things seemed to be spilling out nayway.
"I knew the moment it happened," Asuni agreed. "Zuko, I was there."
His head snapped up, eyes wide. "You… what?" His voice was horse, his face pale. "No, no you couldn't have been."
"I was," Asuni said, her tone almost apologetic. "The general wanted me to see what the Fire Lord was capable of. He wanted me to know that sometimes the men we serve aren't always the best. He disguised me as his attendant and smuggled me in. I watched the whole thing."
"You saw. You saw." Zuko seemed horrified by the very idea. He ripped away from her, pacing with a mad sort of energy. "You saw everything." He looked up at her, eyes wide. "Then you know." He sounded somewhere between furious and agonized. "This whole time, you've known."
Asuni was lost. "Known what? How it happened? Yes, but Iroh told the rest of the crew not long-"
"No!" Zuko snapped. "You've known how… how weak… how useless… how dishonorable I am. You were made to protect someone like me, and you did it anyway, you've kept doing it, you've treated me like a friend, you just swore your allegiance to me!" He thrust the hand she had kissed in her face.
"No!" Asuni said. Zuko stopped his angry ranted, looking at her in surprise. Asuni was furious, face red and screwed up and chest heaving. "You are none of those things! In two years I saw the best and worst of you and not once have I ever thought you lacked strength, worth, or honor. You are the best man I have ever met. Otherwise I would never have sworn fealty. I would not trap myself like that. So don't you ever say that in front of me! You're not just degrading yourself, you're degrading my judgment, my loyalty… and I don't appreciate it!"
Zuko looked more thrown that she'd ever seen him. His eyes were wide and he was stuck halfway through a step, gaping at her. "You… you…" he stammered uncertainly. "You…"
And then he was on her. Asuni gasped as strong arms wrapped around her, enveloping her in warmth, but it didn't feel oppressive. She was being crushed against a broad, strong chest, but the pressure wasn't uncomfortable. On the contrary, it made her feel safe, secure. She stiffened up as warm breath ghost across her ear. Her heartbeat was going crazy, she wondered irrationally if she was going to have a heart attack right there in his arms.
In his arms… dear Agni, her face must be the color of a tomato!
"You are the best friend – the only friend – I have ever had," Zuko said softly.
The word friend was like a knife in the heart, reminding her that whatever she was feeling right now it wasn't the same for Zuko. Reality broke through her rose-colored glasses and slapped her brutally across the face with a reminder of the myriad of reasons that her feelings were more of a burden than a gift.
Her muscles loosened and she let her arms come up, wrapping around the prince's trim waist. It was so strange, she thought fuzzily, to feel skin against her and not armor. The prince was rarely as vulnerable – physically or emotionally – as he was tonight. It moved her to think that he would share that with her.
One hand slid up his spine, coming to rest between his shoulder blades. She leaned her forehead against her shoulder, closing her eyes against the tears that wanted to make their traitorous presence known.
"My prince," she whispered in reply. "That's the best compliment I have ever received."
She felt breath brush her ear again as Zuko opened his mouth to say something else, but he was cut off.
"Well, isn't this touching?"