Chapter 6
"Deafening Reality"
Reading what the doctor put before her was difficult. Not that it was difficult to read, but difficult to believe could be true. Of course, she knew something was wrong with her hearing, but to think that it might not return, that it could be permanent. It did not seem possible to Annie. As tears rolled down her cheeks, she left her right hand firmly in Auggie's, needing the tactile support as much as he did in that moment.
She hated when it was time for the doctor to question and examine her. The tasks seemed meaningless, but she was surprised when she failed some of them. Unable to control some muscles, remember some facts, or even walk as she remembered she could.
However, she sat and did everything asked of her by this Doctor Miles McCabe. It was strange to not be able to put a voice with his face. It was stranger to not be able to hear her own voice. He had come prepared with typed out cards with questions and tasks for her to complete. She felt very weak and dizzy-very very dizzy. She just wanted to go back to sleep, wake up and this all be a dream.
She stole glances of Auggie whenever she could. He was sitting by the bed, waiting for her to return to it. It was rare for his head to be down like it was right now. Usually, his head was fully erect as if he could see everything around him. Typically, the only physical sign of his disability were his unfocused eyes and his occasional tendency to tilt his head towards sounds around him. But right now, his eyes were cast downward and even wondering at times and his hands were very fidgety. He looked defeated and lost. She knew all of this was hard on him, without sight, he was missing most of what was happening. She could only hope that Dr. McCabe was verbalizing the questions and tasks for him. Although, part of her, a very small part, was glad that he could not see her stumbling, faltering on tasks and unable to keep balance.
She felt like a hopeless mess. She couldn't remember simple things like her nieces names or a string of random words told to her. But since she had voiced these answers, he would pick up on that. She was also afraid to tell them anything about her job.
She remembered that she worked for the CIA and that she was supposed to have a cover job, but right now she couldn't remember what it was or any details about recent missions. She told the doctor she couldn't remember where she worked. Joan would have a field day with this later. If she were ever able to go back to her job, she knew she would have to take numerous polygraph tests to determine the extent of her memory loss and whether the CIA believed that it was lost, if it remained lost. She hoped it did not. It was strange to have holes in your memory. Like weeks of drunken nights all strung together that left too many holes for Annie's liking.
After Dr. McCabe was finished with his examinations, he told Annie she would be going to take another test in another part of the hospital. She would leave and be coming back in about an hour.
Annie looked at Auggie, he was talking to Dr. McCabe about something. Maybe what had just taken place? As she watched him closely, she was able to pick up a word or two here and there by reading his lips.
Once the doctor left, a nurse came in with a wheelchair. She gestured for Annie to get into it. Auggie got up, put his hand on the bed and ghosted his hand around it until he reached the other side. With on hand out towards her, he was offering to help her get from the bed to the wheelchair to his left. As much as she hated accepting help, she knew she needed it right now.
Placing her hand in his, she slowly brought her feet to the ground the stood up. She tried to lift her feet to walk the couple paces from the bed to the chair, but her feet didn't cooperate, they simply shuffled forward a couple inches. They were patient with her though. They helped her get to the chair with as much dignity as she could. Once she was safely in the chair, she saw Auggie walk back over to the other side of the bed and retrieve his cane and bag. He started to speak to her, but hung his head when he obviously remembered she couldn't hear him. A tear escaped Annie eye as she watched him walk out the door in front of them.
Annie sat in the room she was placed in and just waited. They had placed headphones over her ears and told her to hold her hand up when she heard something. She simply was not sure what to think about everything going on. Right now there were no sounds coming to her, but she thought perhaps this was due to the pounding headache she had. Her head felt twice its size and absolutely throbbed with intense pain. She felt quite weak and exhausted, like she hadn't slept for weeks.
She was tired of people writing things for her, but she was more frustrated when they talked to her and she couldn't hear them. She really didn't understand what was happening. Three days ago she had just thought she had the flu. Now she woke up in the hospital, extremely disoriented, unable to hear, and had a whole host of other problems. She had ALWAYS been the picture of health. Even as a kid. She had perfect attendance all through school. In college, she only missed classes when she wanted to. All the moving about her family had done, all the different places she had lived-none of it ever affected her amazing immune system. It seemed to adapt and evolve no matter what she did, no matter where she was in time or space. Now it had all caught up to her. Was this some sort of karma thing coming back to get her? All the health problems most people have along their lifetime, all coming at her in one big illness. She shook her head of the thoughts, and immediately regrets that decision as her head began to spin. She closed her eyes and held her head for a moment.
When she opened her eyes again, she saw the red light in front of her turn to green. This told her the examination was beginning. She sat there and listened carefully. She raised her hand a few times, but she really wasn't sure if she was hearing something or just imagining things. Everything she thought she heard sounded distant like it might be miles away from her. Like a whisper at the bottom of a well. She couldn't be sure she was hearing anything at all. She didn't know how long she was there; it seemed like both an eternity and only a few minutes at the same time.
The audiologist came back into the room and removed the headphones. Her ears still felt full, as if she were underwater. The doctor started to leave and Annie got the sense that she was supposed to follow her. She stood up, but immediately felt like the room was tilting to one side as she tried to step away from the chair. Overwhelmed, she fell back into it. Immediately hands were all over her. She looked up to see mouths moving, but no sound coming from them. This was all so disorienting. She closed her eyes for a few minutes hoping that would help the dizzy feeling pass. When she opened her eyes again the audiologist and two nurses were standing there with their hands at the ready. They looked like they were ready for her to faint or something. "What's happening to me?" She asked uncertain if she was heard. It was strange to speak something, or think you're speaking something and not hear it yourself. It felt like a dream. Like all the words she spoke were going into a vacuum she couldn't see. She didn't like it. It made her uncomfortable to not be able to control her body or know for sure that it was doing what she wanted it to.
"Side effects of the disease." The doctor writes on a white board.
"Ready to try to get up again?" She writes.
Annie nods, not trusting the voice she could no longer hear.
She slowly lifted herself out of the chair allowing the nurses to help her on either side. She took a couple slow steps to the waiting wheelchair, turned and sat down in it.
As someone began wheeling her down a hallway she thought of Auggie. She had chosen to voice her answers to the questions Dr. McCabe asked her for him because she knew how important verbal cues were to him, but she wasn't sure she could continue this. What if the words didn't come out like she wanted them to? What is she accidentally yelled at him? Or what if he didn't actually hear the words she thought she had spoken? How could she ever know? If this was as bad as it seemed right now, would she and Auggie make it? Could they really have a relationship with little to no communication? She was having major doubts right now.
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