"Osomatsu-niisan." Pleaded Choromatsu before dinner. His brother knew something was wrong with him but Osomatsu kept tight-lipped and dutifully sat with his brothers around the feast they prepared for Choromatsu. Osomatsu was disgusted at the thought, 'feast', like being left behind was something to be happy about.

"Osomatsu!" It was Karamatsu who shocked Osomatsu with the intensity of his glare. The hit Osomatsu received hurt but the look in Karamatsu's eyes made Osomatsu hate himself more than he could ever had before. This was the brother who smiled at him even after all the teasing and ignoring. Seeing Karamatsu like this made Osomatsu realize that he had crossed a line.

"Osomatsu-niisan!" Jyushimatsu's surprised voice stayed in his head even after he left the bathroom. He just saw a glimpse of it. Jyushimatsu was checking his body in the mirror and Osomatsu accidently saw the bruise he made. Osomatsu wordlessly left him and rushed to the tiny corner of their room. The eldest embraced himself and buried his face in shame. No matter how strong Jyushimatsu was and how he hid the pain behind his smile, Osomatsu knew that the bruise he left in his brother's heart was something that won't heal for a long while.

"Osomatsu-niisan…" that was Todomatsu who looked at him with tear-filled frightened eyes. The sly eyes he always had vanished in front of Osomatsu's rage. And Osomatsu regretted it the moment he landed that punch in his youngest brother's face.

"O-Osomatsu-niisan…" Ichimatsu tried to talk to him countless of times. They only had each other now. Ichimatsu wanted to talk to Osomatsu so bad and Osomatsu felt it every single time. But Ichimatsu was bad at these situations and Osomatsu felt his heart crumbled every time he disappointed his little brother. He built a wall around him that became too unbearable for Ichimatsu. It was his responsibility to change the mood, to assure him, to make him feel safe and to make everything okay for him. It was his job as the eldest… and yet all he did was to make everything worse.

It was only right that they all left him. He was not fit to be their brother. He was a worthless shitty oniisan and leaving him was the only logical thing to do. If Osomatsu could, even he wanted to leave this worthless person he became.

Who could bear being with him?

"Osomatsu-niisan..."

Karamatsu ran towards his brother, begging his legs to go faster to reach him in time. Every single muscle moved towards a single goal —save Osomatsu.

'I have no right to be your brother'

"Oniisan!"

Karamatsu called him while Osomatsu started to fall in front of his very eyes. Karamatsu knew he was looking back at him; he had seen himself mirrored in Osomatsu's eyes. Both eyes reflected regret and pain, but they had different motives: one wanted death, one wanted life.

'Don't call me that.'

"OSOMATSU-NIISAN!"

.

.

Osomatsu opened his eyes. He remembered being pulled out of the darkness by a pair of strong determined arms. When he came to everything felt hazy, like a dream in between sleeping and waking. His body felt like floating and he could easily slip back into the darkness once more.

"OSOMATSU-NIISAN!" The voice pulled him back to his body though, and Osomatsu willed his mind to focus on the voice. He shook his head to clear his mind.

He felt the same strong hands grasping his shoulders. The grip was tight but the shivering was evident and could not be ignored. It was cold, but Osomatsu knew that the boy in front of him was shivering not because of the biting coldness of the night.

Karamatsu was crying his brother's name. Tears continuously flowed down his cheeks and Karamatsu sobbed the words out of his chest.

"Please Osomatsu-niisan. Don't kill yourself oniisan. Don't go. Stay with me. Please please oniisan!" He pleaded, like a desperate prayer he had been keeping inside his heart.

Osomatsu was awake now but he just could not wrap his head around the situation. His brother was begging —crying — for his life? For him to stay? After what he did?

"Why Karamatsu?" Osomatsu asked, his words clear despite the slight chattering, "What I did to you and the others… it was horrible, wasn't it?" Osomatsu grinned, "wouldn't it be better to be rid of the extra load? To finally be free from your lousy shithole eldest brother?"

Osomatsu patted Karamatsu, consoling him with such dark twisted words that stung his younger brother's heart.

"I think you'd do a fine job as the eldest."

Karamatsu paused and all crying stopped. He sniffled, his eyes went wide and his mouth agape. Osomatsu shrugged and looked down. The younger one was shocked but Osomatsu wholeheartedly believed in what he said.

Karamatsu gently wrapped his arms around Osomatsu and buried his face on his older brother's chest. Osomatsu pulled away but Karamatsu embraced him tighter, locking his oniisan in his arms… the same arms that saved his life.

Osomatsu felt Karamatsu shaking against him and heard the muffled crying in his chest.

"Stop saying that..." Karamatsu's voice in a raspy whisper. "So what if you're shitty, we're as shitty as you… it's not like we're any better.

And… you seriously think we haven't forgiven you for what you did? Do you honestly think that we still hate you? "

Karamatsu looked up, his eyes now red and swollen from all the lament.

"If there's anyone I hate right now it's me! Because I let this happen to you… I am a useless brother and it's… "

Osomatsu embraced his brother back and adjusted him in his arms. He cradled him to a more comfortable position in such a way that Karamatsu could put all his weight on Osomatsu.

He may had been sleeping and staying in the deepest pits of his mind, but he could vaguely remember everything that happened. He saw Choromatsu and how he picked him up by the collar, eyes angry. He remembered Todomatsu and how he was about to hit him.

But Karamatsu, the ever so tender Karamatsu, did not answer him with violence but with love.

Osomatsu grinned. If there was anything he would forever be thankful for, it was the fact that he was born less than a second before Karamatsu and that he could become this person's older brother. His heart swelled just with the thought of it.

"shhh… shh… " He hushed, "Don't cry for me Karamatsu…"

"But you don't understand… you're my only oniisan and no one could ever take your place. Please don't do this to yourself. If you need anything, tell me. If you want to talk, you can talk to me. I'll be here for you oniisan. I'll always be here."

Of course Osomatsu knew that. Why wouldn't he know that?

But the memories of that night flooded inside his head and once more he wanted to retreat and escape inside the shadows of his dreams. The ghost of Karamatsu's punch was still there on his face. The image of his angry eyes still burned in his memory. It was a different Karamatsu from the one embracing him right now, but still the same.

And now that he remembered it, Osomatsu was just having a hard time looking at both.

"Let's go inside Karamatsu. It's cold here." Osomatsu weakly declared. That was his only answer for now.

Karamatsu nodded and helped Osomatsu go back inside.

The eldest silently looked back at the dark night sky, his mind started to hear his other brothers again. He shut his eyes for a bit and adjusted to where he was. He held on to Karamatsu tighter, affirming with his touch that Karamatsu was there. He looked at his younger brother and saw the kindness and sadness in his face, confirming that this was the Karamatsu that cried for him, the Karamatsu that longed for him to live, and not just another dream.

'He's here. He's really here.' For a while, Osomatsu had never felt happier.

Karamatsu urged Osomatsu to take some sleeping pills. Osomatsu declined at first but in the end he could not say no to those swollen worried eyes.

Karamatsu also had to talk to their parents, who were awakened by all the commotion. In the dimly lit house, Karamatsu had to wear his sunglasses and put on his best performance to lie to them and assure them that everything was alright.

"Osomatsu-niisan was just having one of those dreams again. But no worries mammy, daddy… he is fine now. You two go back to sleep. It's fine. It's fine."

Osomatsu went to the bathroom to wash his face. Meanwhile Karamatsu took this chance to finally call Choromatsu. This time, he could not hold back on the truth and lie to him.

"What is it Karamatsu-niisan… it's the middle of the night…." Choromatsu answered after the fourth ring. He woke up on the second.

"I'm sorry..." Karamatsu's voice broke instantly the moment he heard his brother's voice, "I stopped him but… what if… what if I wasn't there. What if I did not wake up… I don't know what I'd do..."

"Karamatsu-niisan." Though he barely had any information, his heart already knew that something was wrong. "I'll be there in a half an hour."

"Un." Karamatsu answered, never mind that Choromatsu could not see him nodding, "I'll try to still be awake until you arrive."

"Ok." Choromatsu said, "Oh and Karamatsu-niisan. It's not your fault. You did your best. Thank you for being there."

.

.

Choromatsu arrived in less than half an hour by cab. He already sent an email to his boss saying that he won't be going to work for a few days, or until this was sorted out. He was not really certain what was happening but he knew that this trip wouldn't be a short one.

Choromatsu had a spare key to the house so he snuck up quietly to their room.

When he arrived there Osomatsu was already sleeping. The large futon was laid out and folded at the side. Karamatsu and Osomatsu slept in the middle with pillows all around them. Karamatsu pressed close to Osomatsu while the older one slept soundly.

Karamatsu shifted and his eyes rolled under his swollen lids. He sat up and looked at Choromatsu.

"What happened?" Choromatsu whispered.

"It's ok. I gave him some sleeping pills, he won't wake up even if we shout here."

Choromatsu sat beside Karamatsu. "So?"

Karamatsu told him what happened and his brother saw how Karamatsu collapsed, almost bowing in front of him. His eyes were already too swollen but when he started to cry the tears helplessly continued to flow.

Choromatsu listened attentively and stayed quiet the whole time. His eyes wandered from Karamatsu and to the sleeping Osomatsu. He felt his eyes tearing up as well. He could not believe that his older brothers grieved that much.

"It's my fault… Choromatsu… I'm sorry for acting like some dependable older brother when I'm actually like this…"

Choromatsu gave Karamatsu a light pat.

"Like I said, you did well. You still caught him and if that was me I probably wouldn't be able to pull him up to safety. You did nothing wrong Karamatsu-niisan… in fact… you helped … a lot. Look at him now, so peaceful. And he looked healthier compared to when we first saw him. You are a truly dependable older brother. I am ever so grateful oniisan"

Choromatsu felt his voice breaking and stopped himself instantly. He composed himself and prepared for what he needed to say next.

"You and Osomatsu-niisan… I'm just so happy that you two are my older brothers. I love you two. The kindness, the shittyness, the painfulness… everything… I love and accepted it all.

But you know Karamatsu-niisan, it's not like we have this great gap in our age. I mean, you're just a few milliseconds older than me. You can also rely on me. You don't have to shoulder everything on your own. You know I'll be happy to be take that annoying straight man role anytime… you know you can ask me for support whenever you need me."

"Choromatsu…"

"You know that I'm your brother too. I'm more than willing to support you… so please rely on me more."

Choromatsu held back the tears and slowly turned to Osomatsu.

"Don't worry us like that Osomatsu-niisan…"

Unfortunately, he just couldn't stop his tears when it came to this.

"I'm sorry… I'm really sorry…"

Choromatsu wanted to say more but all he could do now was bend down and embrace Osomatsu's sleeping form. Choromatsu cried with nothing but apologies pouring out of his lips.

Karamatsu hugged Choromatsu as well, offering the strong comforting arms that only he could give as an older brother.

The two of them cried themselves to sleep. Karamatsu slept on right and Choromatsu on his left, their arms wrapped around him, tightly holding on to their older brother like frightened little kids who desperately sought their onii-san's warmth.

The night passed and soon it was dawn.

.

.

.

Jyushimatsu tried to move his fingers. The cast was already removed but he was still wearing a splint to protect his wrist as it healed. It would still take a while before he could use his right hand.

His co-workers dropped him off near the train station. He looked at the clock nearby and silently sat on one of the benches.

Soon, he heard a familiar voice called out his name. Jyushimatsu looked up and saw his little brother running towards him.

Jyushimatsu sat up attentively and waved his arms to call his attention, despite the fact that Todomatsu already saw him.

Jyushimatsu pulled his lips and smiled widely, his dry lips cracked, not used to a smile this big anymore. But Jyushimatsu's happiness just overflowed and his face could only show the surface of that joy.

"Totty!"

Jyushimatsu was coming back home.