Ichimatsu rubbed his eyes. He had been teary-eyed for a while now, and he knew it was not because he was being emotional. He could feel it —the beginning of a fever that would burn him all throughout the night. He swallowed and felt his empty throat ache.

He then proceeded to go to a park nearby. There would be water fountains there and drinking water felt so soothing right about now.

He dragged himself to go there. He had eaten "something" today so why was he so weak? He dread the coming of this fever with every heavy step. He could still pick himself up and move around, but surely he needed to go and sleep somewhere before his body gives up on him.

He drank from the first fountain he saw. The water felt like cold ice in his mouth. It felt so comfortably good. He washed his face as well, maybe he could lower his temperature for a bit after this… for a little while until he found a safe place to turn in for the night.

"HEY YOU! Stand up right now!" An angry voice sliced through the dark silence of the park. "Come with me! Wake up you!"

Ichimatsu rolled his eyes towards the noise while his mouth was still enjoying the coldness of the water.

'Poor guy' He thought knowing exactly that all that anger was pointed towards some homeless person sleeping in the park.

Sometimes public places like these were more dangerous than dark alleys. If you encounter the wrong person, you could end up being traded overseas or taken to some place where they harvest your organs.

'This is why I don't sleep here.' Ichimatsu thought.

Ichimatsu took one last glance at the commotion afar.

That was when he saw him .

"Osomatsu… niisan?"

Ichimatsu's breath stopped for a second as his heartbeat drummed loudly in his ears. Public places like these were dangerous, and this was no place for someone like him.

He ran, almost tripping on his weakened legs, but he ran to him.

He went in between the stranger and his brother who laid comfortably on the bench. He glared at the stranger and gritted his teeth.

"Get away from him." Ichimatsu whispered darkly.

"Ok… ok." The stranger slowly backed away, "I didn't mean any harm."

Ichimatsu learned a long time ago that when a person claimed that he or she did not mean any harm, they were the ones you should really watch out for.

Ichimatsu snarled. The feral sound vibrated in his throat and looked dangerous behind his bared teeth. His eyes reflected the lamppost and they were far from friendly.

The man stepped back. "Wait… you look alike. Are you like twins?"

"I wish." The faces of his brothers flashed in his mind. "...maybe just triplets."

The stranger pointed at the sleeping Osomatsu on top of the bench.

"He's missing by the way. I saw his face online."

"Yeah. I'm looking for him." Ichimatsu then looked sharply at the man. "Now scram!"

"O-ok. I'm glad you found him." The man stuttered. He quickly turned around and dashed.

Ichimatsu watched the man run away. He was still on his guard and he waited for a while until he could stand at ease. When he secured the area, it was only then that he turned around and looked down at his sleeping older brother.

Ichimatsu placed a hand on Osomatsu's face. It was cold. Terribly cold.

"Osomatsu-niisan, oniisan… wake up." His voice was gentler now.

Osomatsu opened his eyes slightly but was too tired to keep it open. But he still took Ichimatsu's hand and nuzzled against his palm.

"Warm… so warm..."

Ichimatsu knew that he was starting to burn now. He could literally feel his fever embracing him in its fiery arms. But if that would keep his brother warm, then it must be a good thing. He pulled up his facemask and touched Osomatsu's face with both his hands. He just washed those hands, it should be clean enough to touch him at least.

.

.

.

Matsuyo was already waiting in front of the door when the brothers returned the next morning.

Jyushimatsu looked dreadfully untidy while he carried a sleeping Todomatsu on his back. Karamatsu looked defeated on the other hand, while he carried Choromatsu who mumbled Osomatsu's name and apologies the whole way.

She called Matsuzou when she saw them. Their father rushed out of the door and asked if he could carry any of them. Karamatsu said to help Jyushimatsu, the younger was already on the brink of collapsing if not for Todomatsu on his back.

Matsuzou took Todomatsu and instantly Jyushimatsu did fall on the ground.

Matsuyo had to carry her ball of sunshine inside the house.

Karamatsu hurriedly cleaned himself and helped his parents in cleaning up the half-awake boys. Choromatsu tried to change clothes himself but the buttons of his shirt were all wrong. Karamatsu aligned the buttons properly.

The futon was laid and they dragged the three to it. Matsuyo tucked the boys and kissed them all on their foreheads.

"Mammy," Karamatsu told his mother, his words were but mumbles due to exhaustion, "if there's any phone call, news or anything… wake me up instantly."

Matsuyo smiled. Her eyes looked puffy from the obvious crying but she still tried to smile in the hopes of calming Karamatsu

"You go and rest too." She told him, "your father and I will take it from here."

"I know and I believe in you mother, but I can't rest." Karamatsu's voice shook with every word.

He stopped and breathed, to calm himself, and to be strong in front of his mother.

"...every single time I close my eyes, I see him" but everything was futile, his voice cracked again. This time he had no strength to hide it anymore.

"I fear the he's in trouble somewhere. How can I rest if he could be in danger—"

His mother leaned down to him and hugged him tightly. Easily it hushed him.

"I fear it too. I am scared of a lot of things." She said as she soothed the trembling of her child, "But I am also scared that if you boys don't rest you might break too and that's my worst fear right now."

"Mom."

"Go and rest. You have been too hard on yourself Karamatsu, your oniisan would be sad if he learns about this. You and I know how annoying Osomatsu is when he's worried about you guys."

Karamatsu gave her a small smile and agreed.

Karamatsu was out like a light after that.

.

.

.

Osomatsu woke up.

His head was in a mess. He was in that dream-awake state that he could not understand again.

He rubbed away the blurriness in his eyes and took a gander at where he was. In was a deep alley in a middle of two buildings. There was a wall behind him where he could hear a busy street from the other side. The alley itself was dark but there were lights from the streets and from the windows of buildings around him.

He looked around and saw a dark figure sitting afar. Osomatsu suddenly was more aware of the danger he could be in and he retreated from the figure.

"It's me, Osomatsu-niisan."

Osomatsu knew that voice anywhere and the moment he heard him, it felt the ache of how he was longing for his voice for a long long time.

Obscured by the shadows, Ichimatsu looked grimly at him. Osomatsu could not clearly see him but he was sure that he was wearing the same thing he wore when he left the house. He looked dirtier now, but that was to be expected from a stray cat like him. For now Osomatsu did not care, he was just overjoyed to see that he seemed well.

Osomatsu was about to say something or at least come closer to him, but Ichimatsu suddenly slid a plastic bag towards him.

Osomatsu looked confused but he still took the plastic bag and opened it. It was a pork bun torn in half. It was still warm when he touched it and it looked clean enough.

Osomatsu smiled. "I see you've already eaten."

Ichimatsu shook his head. He took out his part and showed it to Osomatsu.

"Let's eat then. Thank you Ichimatsu."

Ichimatsu just gave him a short nod.

The two ate in silence. The "meal" did not really last long. It was just a few bites and it was done.

"I heard that you ran away." Ichimatsu said.

"Yes, but I… I don't know why. I just wanted to get out of there. I saw Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu and I forgot what happened after that. Next thing I knew I was running."

Osomatsu rubbed his nose. "I'm really horrible, aren't I? They did nothing wrong but now I know that I did something awful to them again. I made them worried about me again."

Ichimatsu just stared. He was listening to him and Osomatsu knew that. It was that solace that urged Osomatsu to talk more

"I tried to kill myself."

Ichimatsu did not look surprised.

"But Karamatsu stopped me. After that I just couldn't bring myself to die and leave him anymore. I didn't like to see him cry like that… so kind, so heartbreaking, and it was all for me."

Ichimatsu grinned a bit. It was something Karamatsu would do. He could easily imagine it.

"Choromatsu helped me too. He got me a very nice therapist but he still checks up on me everyday. And Totty sacrificed a lot of sleep for me…even if I hurt him again and again he would still stay with me in all my sessions."

Osomatsu looked up and wondered, "I bet Jyushimatsu would be dragging himself to the ground just to look for me…"

Osomatsu rubbed his nose, "The only thing I can be good at is being a problem. I really am fucking useless."

Unfortunately, Ichimatsu could understand him. That amount of guilt and helplessness was second nature to him. He had tried to kill himself a lot of times before and he had always wanted to leave him That was why, he could also understand the dilemma Osomatsu had after seeing all their efforts to save him.

His brothers had saved him a lot of times before: Choromatsu always worried himself over him, Jyushimatsu helped him smile, Todomatsu always reached out to him in his own sly little ways… even Karamatsu was sickeningly kind towards him.

But most of all, it was Osomatsu's strength that had helped him a lot of times before. He was always so confident and so sure of what he wanted to be or do in life. He did not pretend or lied about what he was. He accepted it; being a loser, being shit, being useless. He embraced who he was.

Osomatsu was the strong foundation for them as brothers. As long as they had him, they'd be okay... or so Ichimatsu thought.

Now, he had realized that it was the other way around. That Osomatsu was only strong when they were there with him. He could only be a big brother if he had brothers. Otherwise, he was nothing.

"You should go with them." Ichimatsu suddenly said.

Osomatsu raised his eyes to look at his brother, "who?"

"I was watching you the whole day. You were looking at them and talking to them." Ichimatsu told him.

Osomatsu looked confused and Ichimatsu just sighed. "What time do you think it is?"

It was only then that Osomatsu realized what he meant. The sky was dark but it looked earlier than the last time he remembered.

He had been out of it the whole day and Ichimatsu was there the whole time.

"I'm sorry." Osomatsu apologized, disappointed at himself that Ichimatsu had to bear that.

Ichimatsu shrugged.

"Totty's not the only one who comes home every now and then. I know about your condition and I know what they were doing for you to get better."

"I'm sorry you had to see that ." Osomatsu still insisted with his apology.

"You don't have to apologize. You looked so happy."

"I did?"

Ichimatsu's eyes softened as they rolled down and stared at the ground. He embraced himself and pulled all of his being into a ball he contained himself in. This was more painful that he had hoped for.

"You were. They sound so great. Even Karamatsu seemed bearable. Jyushimatsu was very funny and Choromatsu was fucking useless. Totty was still Totty but he was funny too."

Osomatsu could remember it. It always felt like a memory even more than dream or a hallucination.

Ichimatsu saw his older brother's gentle eyes as he recalled it. Ichimatsu felt a heavy rock inside his chest as he saw Osomatsu's face. He was jealous. He longed to see what his brother saw and be happy as well, but at the same time, he wanted to be the one who could make his brother smile like that.

"So go with them." Ichimatsu urged again, "be with the people who could make you happy."

And in just a heartbeat, like on cue, Osomatsu heard his name called from one side.

Osomatsu looked at the empty space towards the exit of the alley going to the well lighted street. Ichimatsu knew these eyes. He had been seeing it all day. Osomatsu went back inside his head once more.

"Ichi...matsu?"

Ichimatsu almost grinned. Of course the one who would take him away from him would be the other him.

The other Ichimatsu looked better, clean with color on his cheeks. He was holding a cat in his arms and was even smiling a bit.

"The others are waiting. Let's go Osomatsu-niisan."

Ichimatsu looked at Osomatsu as he slowly slipped into his own world. He was just there, he could simply shake him awake. He could tell him that he needed his older brother.

But he didn't. If this was the world he wanted to be in, then a garbage like him would dare not pull him back to the harsh reality.

Osomatsu nodded, but he shook his head again and looked at the dirtier Ichimatsu. He was not there anymore. Engulfed by darkness, Osomatsu was unable to see his "real" brother.

Ichimatsu watched as Osomatsu just froze from where he sat. Eyes staring at afar and lips moving slightly to form some noises. They were barely words but Ichimatsu could tell that he was already talking to 'them'.

"Goodbye Osomatsu-niisan… don't worry we'll take care of you." Ichimatsu said, words fell on deaf ears.

Ichimatsu's vision then flickered. He was still sick. He had been ignoring it the whole time because he was with his brother but just because he was not thinking about it, does not mean that it was gone.

Ichimatsu then started to shiver. Suddenly he fell on his side. He was terribly sick, but he could not take his eyes off his brother. He needed to bring him back home before he could give in to his fever.

But he was too weak now, and his body was just too heavy to lift.

Osomatsu heard the soft 'thud' when Ichimatsu fell on the side. Somehow, he could remember that someone else was there with him.

He looked around again, this time his eyes could see past the shadows.

"Ichimatsu!" Osomatsu hurriedly went to his brother's side.

Osomatsu instantly felt Ichimatsu's fever at first touch.

"You're burning up! Come with me!" Osomatsu said as he pulled Ichimatsu and placed him to settle in on his back.

Osomatsu carried Ichimatsu. Surprisingly his brother was too light and that got Osomatsu worried. Underneath those sleeves and cloth, how thin did Ichimatsu become?

Osomatsu was about to run. He knew where to go. There could only be one place he could trust right now.

However, another Ichimatsu stood in his way.

"Aren't you going to play with us oniisan?"

"Get out of my way Ichimatsu I need to take Ichimatsu to the doctor."

"You're going to take who? There's no one on your back silly oniisan." Todomatsu suddenly appeared beside Ichimatsu with a grin.

Ichimatsu slowly slipped behind him as Osomatsu's grip started to loosen.

But Osomatsu shook his head, ' Focus '

"But aren't you happier with us? Why are you even having doubts?" Choromatsu was talking now and Osomatsu was just barely holding on.

The only thing that was pulling him back to reality was the fact that Ichimatsu was cradled on his back.

"You don't have to be in pain burazaa, you know you are better off with us. Here, we will always be together." Karamatsu sounded so compelling.

"And we could play and be lazy forever!" Jyushimatsu jumped happily.

"We are your brothers." Ichimatsu said again.

Osomatsu released a hand from Ichimatsu and held it out to the brothers in front of him.

He would not feel pain.

He would not do anything be pressured to be something.

He would be with them.

He would be happier.

Ichimatsu glanced at Osomatsu the moment he realized that he was holding him up with just one hand. Ichimatsu saw his other hand extending to nothingness. Ichimatsu bit his lip.

He started to summon his strength to pull away and to hopefully be able to stand on his own when he succeeds.

That was when he heard Osomatsu whisper to himself.

"Focus… Osomatsu… Focus… don't…"

Ichimatsu looked at him surprised that he was trying so hard.

"Don't hurt Ichimatsu again… don't leave him. Focus."

Ichimatsu did not know what was happening. He could not really see what Osomatsu was seeing…

but he was sure, with a certainty so strong inside his heart, that his brother was fighting right now.

Fighting through the illusions that kept him safe from the pain of reality. Pulling away from the happiness that he could easily slip into. Forcing his mind, see him and not be swayed by those brothers that were with him when his real brothers abandoned him.

Ichimatsu swallowed. There was it, the strength he had always looked up to. The confidence that was the foundation of them as brothers. The love where Ichimatsu had always felt home to.

If he could be too selfish… if he could be greedy… if he was just honest with himself, what he wanted most of all now was be with his brothers and to be the one who would give that happiness — that smile — to his eldest brother.

Ichimatsu wrapped his arms around his brother and laid his head on the back of his neck.

"Osomatsu-niisan. Don't leave."

Osomatsu heard his voice clearly through all the confusion.

Focus.

Osomatsu looked behind him and felt the weight of his younger brother against him. Ichimatsu was here. Ichimatsu needed him.

"It's true. If I go with you I won't feel any pain or suffer from loneliness. You would help me forget this world and everything I run away from…" Osomatsu said, his words clear even in reality.

"...but!"

He thought about them. His real brothers. He held onto their crying or worried faces and embraced their happy smiles. He recalled how they all left him, and how they suffered with his suffering. And every time those thoughts slipped behind the images of his illusion, Osomatsu forced them to surface again.

Focus.

These are your brothers.

"If there's anyone I hate right now it's me! Because I let this happen to you. I am a useless brother."

"Who would help them in their pain?"

"But I'm your Totty… I'm your only Totty!"

"Who would embrace them in their loneliness?"

"Osomatsu-niisan. Don't leave."

"Who would be there when they need help?"

"You were very lonely, right? Don't worry…we're here now."

"Who would welcome them when they need a home?"

"When I got my job, the first thing that popped into my head was all of their faces."

"And who would support them when they actually did a good fucking job in life?"

Osomatsu held on to Ichimatsu. His breath was hot behind his neck, he needed a doctor soon.

"I might be useless and shitty and pathetic. But only I can do all those things, I can be there and I will be there. You know why?"

The imaginary brothers froze there. Smiles stuck on their faces. They were a little creepy, but Osomatsu clearly saw how incapable they were of feeling his pain.

"...because I'm their eldest brother ! And my happiness will only be with them. Even if they're not with me, even if they're far away. We would still be brothers and if they're happy…"

Osomatsu swallowed, as the faces of his brothers were stronger inside his mind now. They were shouting now, grounding him in place until reality grasped his existence firmly in its clutches.

"...as their brother, as their eldest brother, I should support them."

The imaginary brothers all looked at him. Five pairs of the same eyes. They looked at him, to each other and back to Osomatsu. Their eyes all said the same thing: It was fun, Osomatsu-niisan.

Suddenly their image cracked like a glass in front of his eyes. It shattered into a thousand... million pieces until it was nothing but powdery dust. It fell on the ground and slowly faded away.

Osomatsu inhaled and exhaled, oddly exhausted after the whole ordeal. There were beads of sweat on his brow and his mouth hung with his breath.

But he did not mind that. There was no one in his way now and he still had Ichimatsu with him.

He ran away, but this time with a destination in mind. He might not know where he was exactly, but he knew that he needed to go to Doctor Dekapan as soon as possible.