Dear everyone
While I was writing this letter I can't help but think about everyone's faces. How much I worried you, how much I made you cry and how much pain I caused. It took me a while to accept it but even when I was out of it I still knew what was happening around me. I guess my mind just didn't want to think about it. Somehow, my therapist and I recovered most of those memories. They were not at all good and I was not proud of what I did. But it was something I had to accept.
Being alone scares me more than anything else, even just the silence of this empty house drove me to hide deep inside my mind. That was how terrified I was to be lonely. Before, I never had to feel that because of all of you. But as much as you all know that half of that fear was because that I would always want to be by your side, half of it was due to my selfishness.
What am I if not your brother? I had nothing else aside from being the eldest of the sextuplets. I had nothing to prove.
That emptiness scares me more than anything else.
However, what I did was far from solving the problem. I only worsened it. I was a coward and that fear had turned me into something I would now forever regret. It made me into something that wasn't even worth to be called a big brother. I just let the only thing I had to be lost. That was really pretty stupid of me.
I know I've said it a lot of times before, but I am so sorry. I am very sorry for all the pain I've caused. I'm sorry that I did not become your oniisan especially when you needed me to be the most.
Osomatsu's days began at night just when the neighborhood had quieted down with all its residents sleeping, the Matsuno household was no exception. But Osomatsu was starting a new habit where he would wake up at dawn, quietly leave the futon and go downstairs as silent as he possibly could.
It was during these wee hours of night when Todomatsu would come home and Osomatsu was making sure that when Todomatsu whispers, "I'm home" he'd be there to greet him "welcome back."
Osomatsu's sleepy smile still indicated lack of sleep, but Todomatsu could feel the warmth and sincerity behind it. Todomatsu might never admit it but all his fatigue and frustration would instantly vanish the minute he saw Osomatsu.
"Hey want to drink with me?" Osomatsu invited the younger.
Todomatsu pouted and asked if he could just sleep but Osomatsu knew that he just wanted to be wooed. In the end, Todomatsu agreed and the two drank whatever alcohol they had stored inside the fridge.
To Todomatsu, my one and only Totty. I know about all your sacrifices and you must know that oniisan is looking at you and oniisan can see you. I have always been worrying how to look cool in front of you until all I can see was myself … I've forgotten that I should be watching you as well. I'm sorry.
Todomatsu was not lightweight nor was he a talkative drunk, but somehow the drink was pushing him to talk. So when Osomatsu urged him with a simple "So how's work?" Todomatsu was more than eager to rant and badmouth his workmates at the cafe.
"Can you believe that guy? It's so fucking obvious he's hitting on her. And she's like 'oh but he's just nice.'" Todomatsu would easily change his voice to mimic the other person, making it easier for his older brother to imagine what his workmate was like. It might be his bias towards his brother, but Osomatsu concluded that the person was downright annoying.
"That's bull! No guy would be nice if there's no hidden motive. there's always a motive!" Osomatsu reacted half-drunk but still in a whispering voice.
"I know right. We all know you want to fuck her, you don't have to act all high and mighty about it."
"Maybe I should visit your workplace again.. let's show everyone that guy's true color."
"On other occasions I would decline that offer but at this moment that sounds like a good idea."
The two then laughed, still in the quiet of their voices so as to not wake the sleeping members of the house.
Even when his laughter ran out, Todomatsu was still smiling at his older brother. They were having fun — they were talking like normal again. The sessions and medication still continued and there were days that Osomatsu would revert and go back to the lifeless shell he was whenever he's off in his own world. Todomatsu was with Osomatsu even before Choromatsu could get their eldest brother a therapist, so Todomatsu knew for a fact that those moments had become more seldom now and the amount of time that he was stuck was declining.
Slowly, Osomatsu was recovering. He had won the greater war but the long way home still consisted of smaller battles. It was just good to know that Osomatsu was not alone in these fights.
Thank you for the patience and your faith in me. I want you to understand that one of the greatest things I could be thankful for was the fact that you have been born to be my little brother. Thank you for existing.
"I'll go on ahead, oniisan." Todomatsu said, standing from his seat feeling the night deepening by the minute.
"The hallway's dark." Osomatsu stood up too. "Let's go back together, Totty."
Todomatsu clung to his brother's arm, pretending to be drunk. "Ah. I think I can't walk straight anymore. Carry me, niisan."
Osomatsu was happier to oblige, "you're sly."
Todomatsu giggled softly. "I learned from the best."
To Karamatsu, the person who woke me up from all this stupidity. I swear, you shine brighter than any of your painfully sparkling outfits… that's why don't ever let this world dim your unique light. No matter who or what you want to be I just want to let you know that I'd be there to support you and to tease you about it. No one else should mock you, it's a right only I and all our younger brothers share. If they dare, you can bet I will do something about it. I am your older brother and I'll always have your back.
It was less than an hour after Todomatsu went to sleep that Karamatsu would get up and begin his day. Osomatsu was already lying in bed when he woke up again due to the slight noise and small commotion around the room.
"Sorry about that. Was I loud?" Karamatsu whispered an apology.
Osomatsu and Karamatsu checked the younger brothers that still slept, Ichimatsu and Todomatsu, when there was no sign that their sleep was disturbed Osomatsu shook his head in reply.
Karamatsu was already in his corporate suit, his hair was combed back and his sunglasses hanging from his pocket. Osomatsu looked particularly at the sunglasses and was slightly happy to see it out instead of hidden in his bag.
Karamatsu finally found work. An old friend of their father got in touch with Matsuzo after a long time, and told them that they have some opening at their company. Matsuzo instantly suggested this to Karamatsu. A few interviews and exams later and Karamatsu was hired.
Karamatsu turned to Osomatsu and the older looked at him. Osomatsu watched Karamatsu as the latter whipped out his sunglasses and posed in front of the older.
"What do you think burahzaa?" Karamatsu asked.
"Painful." Osomatsu answered while holding himself from laughing out loud.
For the person who could stand up and actually bring me to my senses, thank you very much. I know that we always give you crap but you love us anyway. It's pretty admirable, but I'm really sorry for everything.
"It's your first day. Are you scared?" The answer was plain as day even before Osomatsu could ask. The hesitation in his stance, the cold sweat from his brow and shaking of his hand.
"Terrified." Karamatsu's voice sounded like he was about to cry.
Osomatsu rubbed his nose, "don't worry you'll scare them with your style first. You can do this… I mean… if it's you I know you can."
Karamatsu felt tears on the corner of his eyes. "Ok. Wish me luck brother. I'll be going now."
When the ever dramatic and poetic Karamatsu had found it hard to think of the right words to say, he bowed down in front of his older brother, tears in his eyes and renewed determination in his heart.
I have so many things I need to thank you for, but most of all thank you for showing me that even if I've given up on myself there are still people that won't give up on me. You will never give up on me. Thank you for not letting me die that night. Thank you for shedding your tears for me and for giving me strength. Thank you for letting me be your oniisan.
It was almost lunchtime when Osomatsu woke up, usually Ichimatsu would wake up the same time as him but most of the time he sleeps in. Today Ichimatsu was already awake before his older brother.
Osomatsu has a session scheduled today and usually he has Ichimatsu or their mother to accompany him. Ichimatsu might looked like he would rather be at home but in reality he was more eager.
Ichimatsu and Osomatsu then set up to go out of the house it was just right too since Todomatsu needs all the quiet in order to sleep.
Most of Osomatsu's day would be spent on his session, during that time Ichimatsu would stay somewhere in the clinic or go outside to play with the resident cats. Whether Ichimatsu would wander off or stay Osomatsu could always expect that that Ichimatsu would be waiting for him outside.
To Ichimatsu, thank you for making me realize that home can be anywhere. Whether inside a house or even in a dark alley, just as long as we're together it can be as warm as home. That is why I am so sorry for taking your home away from you and driving you away. It was just the two of us back then and I should have been strong enough for the both of us, but instead I chose to be weak. I am so selfish and I had no idea how much you were suffering. I am so sorry.
Just some time ago Osomatsu realized how he did not know anything about his brothers but now he was playing with Ichimatsu and his cats. Though maybe asking him about the cat transformation was still too early. Osomatsu was not in a hurry though, he intended to stay beside him until Ichimatsu could freely talk to him about it.
They went home by twilight, two Matsuno walking home in comfortable silence. Osomatsu could not believe he could have this again. The peaceful imagery of Ichimatsu holding a cat while he hummed happily as he walked was something he could only have in his delusion.
But he was so certain this was real, although sometimes he still needed to call Ichimatsu and pat his head just to make sure.
"Osomatsu-niisan! Ichimatsu-niisan!" It was a voice that they knew from a mile away.
The two looked behind them and expected to see their younger brother who was happily bouncing in his bright yellow clothes, his sleeves flailing and the sunset was bright orange behind him. He shined like the sun with a smile as radiant.
To Jyushimatsu, it hurts me so much to see you hurt or cry. I'd fight anyone or turn the world upside down just to get your smile back.
Jyushimatsu still lived with Dekapan with his workplace too far from home. But this weekend was one of those weekends where everyone finally had the day off, so they all decided that they'll go home and get together.
Osomatsu asked about Hatabou and was actually glad that Jyushimatsu had someone with him there. At the very least his brother would not be lonely.
"So… how's your..." Ichimatsu asked, in the middle of wanting to know the answer and fearing to ask the question.
Jyushimatsu held out his hand and happily showed it to his older brothers as if he needed to prove something. The cast was already removed and he could move his arms and fingers now.
"I'm fine now! We could even play baseball!" Jyushimatsu said following the line with his usual chant, "Muscle muscle, hustle hustle!"
Osomatsu smiled weakly as Jyushimatsu bounced around them. The youngest of the three knew how worried these two were for him so he was bouncier than normal.
Osomatsu stretched out his hand and easily timed it to land on Jyushimatsu's head. He rubbed his hair slightly and breathed out a grin, "Baseball sounds amazing. Next time when we're all not busy?"
I want you to know that I am so so so sorry for hurting you like that. You are my most precious sunshine and I want you to always smile. I am so sorry.
They arrived home with Osomatsu leading the two with random conversation and a chain of topics that would either gross out or confuse a passerby. Jyushimatsu was laughing too loud and Ichimatsu chuckled softly.
"We're home!" Jyushimatsu shouted on the top of his lungs while the others' voice lagged behind him.
"Welcome back you guys." Karamatsu greeted them. "Just in time too, Choromatsu's already here."
Osomatsu felt something stuck in his throat that he had to breathe out in order to continue walking. He knew exactly why he hesitated like that: Choromatsu was already here.
To Choromatsu, I am so sorry for disappointing you...
Choromatsu ranted about his work and the boss he had on his new team. The others just laughed. After a long time the house was lively and rowdy again with the six boys all together. It was music to Osomatsu's ears.
"I swear. That woman is scary."
"Who is this again?" Todomatsu got lost for a minute because of checking his phone.
"Osoko-san! She acts like a neesan type but she's an S! Especially when you're on a project with her. She's a slave driver."
"You're just picky… at least she notices you." Ichimatsu grumbled, given normal circumstances no woman would even look at them.
"I think the woman just wants to test you burazah. Once you tame the tempest winds you will see the greenness of the field."
"I don't care about any other fields, I'd want to water her field any day. Set us with mixer Choromatsu!" Osomatsu suggested with vigor.
"Yeah. I think she's kinda cool. I want to meet her." Jyushimatsu added.
"NO. What the fuck guys, she's my superior." Choromatsu tried to stop them from making anymore weird thoughts, but just seeing their eyes he knew it was a lost cause.
"Boo. You just want to have her all for yourself. I bet you fap to her in your place." Osomatsu said, confirming Choromatsu's fears.
"That's disgusting." Ichimatsu darkly spat the words out.
"She's your boss." Todomatsu said looking horrified.
"How could you." Karamatsu added, disgusted.
"Pervert." Jyushimatsu said plainly pointing out the obvious.
"STOP IT! I don't do that ok? That's so disgusting. I know that there are a lot of pretty women in our office but most of them are in other departments. Osoko-san must be the most attractive one in our department but that woman's a beast so I won't even think of trying to tap that. Wait. Maybe one of her friends… I'm not a stalker ok? But I saw her friends with her once in a cafe and they were all pretty… but then again just as long as they're girls they're already pretty for me." Choromatsu ranted in just one or two breaths without even giving a chance to others to comment.
"...besides you don't even know what I'm doing because I live alone." Choromatsu said in a burst.
On the last line though the smirks on his brothers faces all vanished and instantly Choromatsu had to cover his mouth. He just had started the topic he was avoiding all night — the fact that he did not live there anymore.
"That's right. You live alone. So we may never know." Osomatsu's smile was still there despite what had been said.
I know you can do it. I've always known, I was just afraid that someday you will be too far away for me to even catch up to. I'm not someone that anyone can be proud of. I'm like stinky underwear or some heavy baggage that's actually just trash… or even just a spectre of your rotten childhood. So I knew that you'd never spare a thought and leave me.
But when you came back for me, I know that I was just overthinking and somehow I learned that I was too selfish to even have these thoughts.
Because at the end of the day, no matter what happens you still consider me your brother and you would be willing to look and run back to me when I needed you.
That. That proved to me that distance meant nothing for us.
The eldest Matsuno looked around and saw the faces of his brothers. They all looked worried and unsure of what to say next. It wasn't as bad as Osomatsu had seen before but it still brought a pang of pain inside his heart.
"It's alright you guys. Stop that and let's continue bashing Chorofappsky here." Osomatsu could clearly imagine himself trying to pull the lever in order to bring their train of thoughts back to the tracks with a lighter topic.
He too didn't want to go there.
"It's not like I didn't want to move in. Dad can go home every night so I could too…" Choromatsu answered though.
Osomatsu sighed. ' Yep , we'll go there.'
Honestly I may be a little bit envious of you, but more than that I am very proud of you. Despite being a shitty excuse of a brother by being someone that constantly pulled you down, you still managed to pull away from this curse and actually make something out of yourself. I could not begin to explain how awesome that is. I am and will always be so proud of you.
"I understand Choromatsu. You still have so many things to do and living here is not part of it… I really understand it this time so you guys shouldn't worry about it anymore."
Osomatsu then remembered something. A letter that he had written before but was unsure if he would give to them. Since they already were here and they are all together, maybe this was the right time.
"Actually… since we're already on the subject..." Osomatsu handed out the letter, rubbing his nose and grinning to all of them.
It was Choromatsu who carefully took the letter from his hands.
They all looked confused, no one knew of that letter, not even the ones who already lived here.
"I didn't make a copy so someone can just read it aloud for everyone." Osomatsu said, "but if it's not too much to ask then maybe you could read it when I'm out of the room?"
Everyone, a single letter is not suitable to thank and apologize for everything, so I'll live and continue thanking and apologizing until it becomes acceptable. But I'm afraid that oniichan is a weak man and I don't really like the whole idea of growing up… so please have more patience with me… I'll be doing my best but I'd really like it if you support me. That doesn't mean that you have to stay with me though, I learned that thirty sessions ago, but just letting me know that I can rely on you guys and that I actually have someone to hold on to when I start to slip would be more than enough.
Your stupid oniisan,
Osomatsu
Osomatsu pouted, his face red as a tomato while Choromatsu read his letter out loud. His brothers actually playfully tied the eldest up in order for him to not be able to run away from this whole thing.
It was harsh, but Osomatsu just let them do that. He was quite curious about their reaction as well, but after hearing the words he wrote down he was embarrassed as hell.
"STOP IT! THERE. IT'S DONE!" Osomatsu shouted, "can someone untie me now?!"
Choromatsu sat in silence, the finished letter was still in his hand. Choromatsu as well as the others were all so silent after he read the last word. Their backs were turned towards Osomatsu and just left the eldest behind them protesting and dying in shame.
Osomatsu then started to hear someone sniff.
"What … the fuck … was that." It was Ichimatsu whose voice broke with every word.
Osomatsu looked down as his chin sunk closer to his body. "My therapist told me to do this, ok? Maaaan, this is really embarrassing. I should've just threw it away or burn it or something."
"No!" Choromatsu stood up and looked at Osomatsu, clutching the letter in his hand.
"This is… long overdue Osomatsu-niisan! I've been waiting for this the whole time. I was really patient so you can't take this away anymore." Choromatsu's tears easily flowed out of his eyes as if he'd been holding it in the whole time.
Osomatsu chuckled, "I guess. I'm sorry about that."
The other brothers were also crying now. Karamatsu had to put on his sunglasses in order to conceal his eyes but the tears were obvious. He tried to bite his lips but his whimpers escape when he breathes.
"You think we appreciate this? Do you think we like this!" Todomatsu's voice also trembled and was starting to get pitchy. "You idiot! Even if you make a hundred mistakes we'll forgive you a hundred and ten times! You don't even have to say sorry..."
Todomatsu slumped his head on Osomatsu's shoulder and continued to cry. Osomatsu, since he was tied up, could only lean on his little brother and brush his cheeks on his hair a bit.
The eldest then felt a pair of arms enveloping him in an embrace. Just one look at the yellow garb and Osomatsu knew that Jyushimatsu had followed the youngest's lead. Osomatsu wanted to embrace him back but all he could do was look up at his younger brother's face and smile. He could clearly see how Jyushimatsu was holding back the tears. It must be because of what he said in the letter.
"I'm not crying Osomatsu-niisan! I'm not crying, see! So don't say sad things anymore. Please!" Jyushimatsu was almost shouting.
"It's ok Jyushimatsu. I know you're happy. I'm happy t— " Osomatsu's voice broke a bit at the end so he had to stop. He did not really want to cry now.
Ichimatsu finally untied Osomatsu and now he was able to embrace the two youngest sextuplets crying near him. Ichimatsu joined in shortly squeezing between Jyushimatsu and Osomatsu and just burying his face on the eldest chest.
"You don't have to act cool in front of us Osomatsu-niisan." Karamatsu said when he noticed his older brother's voice. By showing how true he was with what he said, he removed his sunglasses and continued to wipe the unstopping tears.
Osomatsu grinned and rubbed his nose. His eyes were becoming warmer now and his eyes were starting to water. He knew he was holding it in the whole time but slowly he began to let the tears escape.
He too had started to cry.
It was a heartwarming scene that made their parents' heart melt. The tears were real and the emotions were something they always thought were too embarrassing to convey, but at this moment they did not care.
"Osomatsu-nii….wa…..ke… wake up." Out from the mesh of sounds of sobbing, Osomatsu heard another voice.
"He's cr…he's crying ..somatsu-niisan..." The other voices were warped and hard to discern, like voices you hear when you're underwater
"Osomatsu-niisan! Wake up please!"
Osomatsu looked up due to the sound of urgency in the voice. He looked around and saw his brothers still crying around him.
"Todomatsu, did you say something?"
Todomatsu looked up with eyes red and still wet. "Nothing… just that you're an idiot because I know my eyes would be puffy as hell tomorrow."
Osomatsu just laughed, "I see. I thought I heard someone."
Karamatsu looked alarmed at the thought, "Is there anything wrong nisan? Do you need your medicine?"
Osomatsu just can't help but be glad with that reaction, "It's ok. I'm fine."
Osomatsu had learned a lot of things because of everything that had happened, even more than the letter could convey. He finally learned that being alone did not have to mean that you're lonely. Sometimes solitude could make one's presence shine brighter than it could ever be before. He had learned that he needed to trust his brothers and not to let his selfishness ruin them as well. He had realized how much his brothers truly loved him.
It may be that there were still lingering voices inside his head, but he knew that someday he'll be able to banish it all. He did not really know when he'll be completely ok but because he had his brothers he knew he did not need to hurry nor to worry about tomorrow.
As he embraced his younger brothers, Osomatsu looked at the letter he wrote on top of the table and smiled. This time, he was glad that this letter did not burn.
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-END-
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You've reached the end of the story! Congrats!
I really am thankful that you've come and read my story, I hope you enjoyed the feels ride with me. For all the kudos and kind words, thank you so much. I hope I get to see all of you in my other works too. This was really just a oneshot, an idea I had one morning but somehow working on it and thinking about it was fun as well as painful (I cried a lot in public because of this) and I just had to continue. I never really thought I'd be able to share this with a lot of people. So THANK YOU EVERYONE!
This story was originally written in Ao3 so the format might be a little different there and all the small notes while writing each chapter could also be found there. It's the same story with the same title under the name "mici_micelle". Content-wise it should be identical but I uploaded it on Ao3 first before copying here. I guess that will be the trend of all my other fanfics from now on.
Finally...
Thank you to everyone who commented, your beautiful words are music to my heart. You don't know how much they encouraged me. I am overwhelmed by your kindness. THANK YOU.
Thank you to everyone who left a kudos. I appreciate each and everyone of you guys. Thank you for letting me know that there are people out there that actually like the shit I do.
And the readers... of course... thank you THANK YOU very much for reading this story. I really hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing each and every word it. The times I was hurt and cried over these brothers made it feel like it's normal because I get to share it with all of you.
Thank you.