Chapter 25
Charlotte hummed contentedly into her mom's chest as she felt gentle fingers go through her sweat mingled hair.
"I never thought I'd like mornings," Charlotte murmured, "But you do seem to make them rather enjoyable."
Jessica chuckled, "Rather enjoyable?"
Charlotte giggled, "Mindblowingly enjoyable."
"Mm, it doesn't help you get out of bed any quicker though, does it?" Jessica mumbled, "And you keep me in bed for so long."
Charlotte pulled her head from her mom's chest, "Well I'm so very sorry that I just gave you two amazing orgasms. What a horrible way to start your day."
Jessica pinched her daughters' side gently, "Oh shush you. Amazing is an understatement," she pressed her lips to Charlotte's, "I love you."
"I love you too," Charlotte breathed, resting her chin on Jessica's shoulder and kissed her cheek. The phone began to ring and Charlotte pouted as Jessica pulled away to pick it up.
"Hello? Yes, she's right here, hold on," Jessica held out the phone, "It's Mary."
Charlotte's eyes lit up and she happily took the phone, "Hey, mom."
Jessica kissed her daughters' cheek and climbed out of the bed.
Charlotte wandered out of the bedroom a few minutes later to see her mom already serving breakfast.
"Everything okay?"
Charlotte nodded, "Yeah, she was making sure of the time. She does that a lot, like always wants to confirm everything. I think she's still scared I'm going to run away or something."
Jessica placed a plate down and walked over to her daughter, placing a hand on her cheek, "I think you're probably right. She's just got you back in her life, honey. I'm sure her biggest fear right now is losing you."
Charlotte nuzzled into the hand on her cheek, "But I'm not going anywhere," she murmured, "I love her."
Jessica smiled, "I know you do. So does she. Just be patient, honey."
Charlotte nodded, "I know. It's okay, I mean it's kind of nice and plus…" she shrugged.
Jessica frowned, "Plus what?"
Charlotte nibbled on her bottom lip, breaking eye contact with her mom.
"Sweetheart," Jessica spoke softly, "You know she's not going anywhere either. She adores you more than anything in the world."
"I know," Charlotte whispered.
"Do you really?" Jessica asked.
Charlotte looked up at her, "I had that dream again last night," she admitted, "I didn't remember… but when I heard mom's voice on the phone…"
"The one from when you were a baby?"
Charlotte nodded, "Yeah. But I see her leave. I've never seen that before. I don't know if it's real or just my brain making it up but she leaves, doesn't even look back at me," she sighed, "And I know she'd never do that now and I forgive her, really I do, it just… puts me in a mood, I guess. It's stupid."
Jessica stroked her thumb over Charlotte's cheek, "It's not stupid, Charlie. Imagination is a powerful thing. You dream so vividly… but this, here, is reality," she spoke softly but firmly, "And here, both your mom's want to take you out for yummy milkshakes and stare at you counting our blessings for having you in our lives. Okay?"
Charlotte nodded, "Okay," she whispered before hugging her mom, resting her chin on Jessica's shoulder.
Charlotte held her teddy close to her chest, her chin resting on top of his head. She pulled in the newer teddy Mary had gotten her too and buried her face in their fur.
"I know it's just a stupid dream," she murmured, "but I don't like it."
She kicked the covers down so she could crawl underneath them.
"I want to sleep but I don't want bad dreams," she told her teddy's as she pulled the blanket right over her head, blocking out the world, "You guys will never leave me, though. I know that," she kissed each of her teddy's.
Jessica stood at the door, listening to her daughter talk to her soft toys before approaching the bed.
"Room for me under there?" she whispered.
There was a pause then Charlotte lifted the blanket a little to let her mom in.
Jessica smiled, "Are you okay, honey?" she asked, wriggling under the blanket.
Charlotte nodded, still hugging her toys tightly.
Jessica placed a hand in her daughters hair, "Is Ted making you feel better?"
Charlotte nodded again.
It reminded Jessica of when Charlotte was only little. Sometimes when she would visit her in Radley or even in Philly, Charlotte would barely look at her. She'd just hold onto Ted and close her eyes. When the world got too much.
"Charlie," Jessica spoke softly, her hand still resting in Charlotte's hair, "You know I'm here to make you feel better too."
Charlotte sniffed and shook her head, "No," she whispered, "I don't want like that right now. I just want my teddy."
Jessica bit her lip, "I don't mean… like that," she said honestly; sex was the last thing on her mind, she couldn't even look at her daughter in that way when she was like this, "I just mean I can hold you or you can talk to me. Or we don't have to talk, we can just lay here if you like."
Charlotte nodded.
"I love you, Charlie," Jessica went on, "It worries me when you hide away like this."
Charlotte nibbled on her bottom lip, "I just… sometimes I get overwhelmed, I guess."
"I know you do," Jessica said gently, "But honey, just because I'm your girlfriend doesn't mean I can't be your mom. You're my baby girl first, always."
Charlotte rose her head a little and nodded, "I know," she whispered, "I just… I haven't felt like this for ages. I thought I was better."
"You know it's not that simple, Charlie," Jessica lifted her daughters' chin with a finger, "And it's nothing to feel ashamed about. Everybody has bad days, yours can just get a bit more intense."
"Stupid brain," Charlotte muttered.
Jessica smiled sadly, "You have a brilliant brain, sweetheart," she said firmly, "And your teddy's and me and Alison and Mary, we're all here for you."
Charlotte fiddled with her teddy's ear, "I love you, mama."
"I love you too," Jessica kissed her daughter's forehead, "You just tell me what I can do to help you and I will."
Charlotte looked at her wide eyed, "Can you just hold me really close?" she whispered.
Jessica smiled, "Of course I can."
"And my teddy's too?" Charlotte mumbled.
"And your teddy's too," Jessica agreed.
Charlotte bit her lip, "Does it make you mad?"
"What's that?" Jessica asked.
"Because I talk to my teddys sometimes and you want me to talk to you instead," Charlotte mumbled.
Jessica sighed, "Remember when I gave you Ted?" she asked, "And I said he was there to protect you. To keep you safe. I'm not mad at you, honey, because I know that's exactly what Ted does. But of course I want you to tell me what you're thinking too because I want to be able to help you. I want you to trust me like you do Ted – "
"I do," Charlotte said quickly, "I really do. I just don't like making you worry. Ted doesn't worry about me as much as you do."
Jessica smiled, "I worry because you're my baby girl," she murmured, "It's okay to make me worry."
Charlotte nodded, snuggling into her mom's chest, "Yeah, I guess."
Jessica kissed the top of her head, "We can hide from the world a little while," she murmured, "Then we can go get something yummy for dinner, is that okay?"
"Okay," Charlotte nodded into her mom's chest.
"Mom."
Jessica looked up from her laptop to see Alison coming over and taking a seat beside her on the couch.
"Is Charlotte okay? She's been so quiet all week," Alison looked worried.
Jessica sighed, "She'll be okay. She's just having a low week."
Alison nodded, "Okay. Is there anything I can do? I try talking to her but she won't even look at me. I asked her if she wants to go to the movies but she won't go."
Jessica took her daughters' hand, "Just keep trying, Ali. She just needs to know you won't give up on her, that when she's feeling better you'll still be there."
"Of course I will!" Alison exclaimed, "Did anything happen to make her sad? Or is it just… random?"
"She's been having some dreams about her childhood," Jessica said, "It stirs up a lot of feelings in her and she doesn't always know how to deal with them so she tends to shut down."
"Maybe she should see Mary," Alison suggested, "I mean, that's who she's really scared of losing, right?"
Jessica paused before nodding, "Maybe you're right. You're very insightful, Alison."
"You said she's upset, did something happen?" Mary looked worried, "Is she okay?"
Jessica opened the door wider and let her in, "She's in her room," she explained, "She's just… she's been having some dreams about… that night. It stirs up a lot her and she just tries to shut the world out. She barely speaks. I think really she's just scared, Mary. And when she's scared, it's always been her instinct to just shut down. Hide under the covers with her teddys and stop talking."
Mary nodded, "Of all the things I could pass on to her, I wish it wasn't my damn emotional issues," the guilt was written all over her face, "Is she talking to you?"
"A little," Jessica smiled sadly, "I thought she might like to see you. I thought it might… help."
"Of course," Mary agreed, "I'll do whatever I can."
Mary entered her daughters' room to see nothing but a pile of blankets on the bed. She sat down on the bed.
"Honey?" she spoke softly, "Are you awake?"
A muffled answer sounded from under the blankets, "Mary?"
"Yes, Charlotte, it's me," Mary said, "Is it okay I'm here?"
There was a pause before Charlotte pulled the blanket away from her face, "It's okay," she whispered.
"Jess says you're not having the best of weeks," Mary watched Charlotte shrug and continued, "You know if I can help, I'll do anything for you, honey."
Charlotte bit her lip but didn't reply.
"Charlie… Jessica said you've been dreaming about that night," Mary heard the guilt creep into her own voice, "I'm so sorry it makes you feel like this."
"I don't blame you," Charlotte whispered, "I just get sad. It's silly," she held her teddy bear close to her chest, "I guess it's just like…"
Mary watched her curiously, "Like what, honey?"
"Sometimes I miss having a mom," Charlotte barely whispered, "I mean, Jessica is my mom too, I know. But because we're, you know, together it's different now," she rushed, "But I'm glad it's different because I'm really in love with her. And she tries to still be my mom when I need her to be. She's good at that actually. But I just wish I'd known you for longer because now I'm so old and only just getting to know you and I just want… "
Mary watched as Charlotte nibbled on her lip.
"Charlie, what is it?" she asked gently.
Charlotte avoided eye contact, "I just want… " she closed her eyes, "I just wanted you to stay. I wanted you to hold me and tell me it was okay and you loved me."
Mary shook her head, "I wish I had," she whispered, "I'm so, so sorry. If this, you and I reconnecting is too hard for you – "
"No, no," Charlotte shook her head, "It's not. I'm glad you're here."
"And I am here, Charlie," Mary said firmly as she pulled her daughter into her arms, "I know it's years too late but please, let me hold you now."
Charlotte nodded and nuzzled into her mom's chest, holding onto her tightly, "Please, don't let go."
"I'm not going anywhere," Mary promised, "It's going to be okay. I love you, honey. So very much."
"I love you too, mom," Charlotte whispered as she blinked out tears.