The day Thorin announced he would leave the Blue Mountains to go looking for his father Thrain was bitterly cold cold rain was falling from the sky, and turning into ice as soon as it touched the ground. The roads were treacherous and slippery, and on top of everything else cold gusts of wind were raging between the peaks of the mountains. Laurelin wondered why the king had chosen such an awful day to gather everybody on the village square. He could have waited a day or two, couldn't he ? It would have been much more pleasant if he had told them about his quest – or whatever it was – on a beautiful sunny day, wouldn't it ? But anyways, here they were standing, getting drenched under the rain, listening to Thorin's words as he told them he would leave in a few days, and stay away from the Blue Mountains for an undetermined period of time. Laurelin watched the faces of the other Dwarves around her some were surprised, others shocked, and others openly disapproving. No one lingered, thoufh, since everybody was eager to go back to the warmth of their homes.
During the following days, Laurelin heard people mutter about Thorin's decision. Of course, they never talked openly in front of her, because they knew she worked fot Thorin, but as soon as she had her back turned they talked in hushed voices. Most people seemed to think Thorin was foolish to do something like that. Thrain, son of Thror and heir to the line of Durin, had disappeared decades ago, during the Battle of the Moria even though his corpse had never been found, the old Dwarf was surely dead somewhere, his white bones bleached white by the sun. Because if he had still been alive, he would have joined them here long ago. They had arrived in this village several decades ago, and they had prospered with each year everybody in Middle-Earth now knew that the sons if Durin lived in these mountains. If Thrain had been alive, it would have been easy for hilm to find them and to join them – but he hadn't. And his absence was the very proof that he was no longer alive.
Yet on the other side, Thorin was dead set on believing his father was still alive somwhere.
Laurelin didn't even know what to think anymore. She tended to share the villager's opinion, but she also knew Thorin was neither stupid, nor silly if he believed his father was alive, he probably had good reasons to do so.
The day before Thorin's departure, he bid farewell to the population, and to his friends. Balin was looking at him with sad eyes, as if he already knew Thorin's quest was doomed to fail, but when the King glanced at him the white-haired Dwarf smiled gently. Next to him, Dwalin was standing tall and strong. He looked almost naked, without his huge battle ax.
« Let me come with you, Thorin. » he pleaded in a deep voice. « You can't go alone. »
« Yet I have to. » Thorin said in a determined voice.
« Even if Azog is dead, as you seem to believe, there are still Orcs and other foul beasts roaming the wilderness. » Balin said, backing up his brother. « Going alone is too dangerous. We cannot take the risk of losing you. »
« No one will lose me. » Thorin said wirh a reassuring smile. « And this is something I have to accomplish on my own, Balin. »
The old dwarf sighed, looking suddenly very resigned, while Dwalin's gaze filled with sadness and frustration. Staying behind must be very hard, for such a tough warrior like him, Laurelin pondered as she watched Thorin walking away from his two friends.
In the end, when there was no one else left, Thorin went to see his sister and her sons. The Lady Dis was as beautiful as ever, with her richly adorned beard and her heavy dress. Her black braided hair reached her broad hips. Standing next to her, Fili and Kili had reached this awkward stage between the end of adolescence and the beginning of adulthood Fili already seemed to be closer to the adult side – he was quiet and devoted to his family – yet there was still a spark of mischief in his beautiful blue eyes as he elbowed his younger brother in the ribs before whispering something in his ears. He was a fine warrior now, with his father's blond hair and proud face. His beard was not so impressive yet, but he had braided his moustache and adorned it with brass beads. He was among Thorin's finest fighters, now, and he carried two identical swords that Thorin himself had forged for him, several years ago. Kili, on the other side, was a rather unusual Dwarf. His cheeks were covered in no more than soft stubble, and his weapon of predilection was a very unusual one : the bow. Most warriors among the dwarves despised bows, yet Kili was deadly brilliant at shooting. The lad was good with the sword, too – Thorin and Dwalin had seen to it – but the bow would always remain his favourite.
Usuall, Thorin's nephews were both laughing and carefree, but on this particular day their faces were grave as they watched their uncle.
« Let us come with you. » Filli said as he took a step forwards. « We are no longer little boys. We can fight, now. We can help. Give us a chance, uncle... »
« And Thrain is our grand-father, » Kili added, looking up at Thorin with pleading eyes.
« No, » Thorin answered stubbornly. « I will have to refuse you both as well, just as I refused Dwalin's help. Another time you will come with me, and I will be proud to travel with such fine warriors as you have become, but not today. »
For a fleeting moment, Fili seemed to be about to stand up to his uncle, then he sighed and nodded slowly. They didn't insist any more.
Thorin smiled kindly at them, then he hugged them both, one after the other.
« Watch over your mother during my absence, will you ? » he said jokingly, and Dis rolled her eyes behind her sons, with her fists on her hips. Then she pushed Fili and Kili aside, and hugged her brother for a very long time.
« Be careful, Thorin. » she said. « Please. Be careful. »
Thorin answered something Laurelin couldn't understand, then the three of them walked back home, looking rather sad and dejected.
Thorin went to bed early, because he had planned to get up before the break of dawn, the following day. Laurelin finished to clean the house, then she went to bed as well she could have read in front of the fire for a while, but without Thorin it would not have been the same. It would have been so empty and boring. But once she was in her bed, she didn't fall asleep. She tossed and turned under the blankets, restlessly thinking about the next day.
The idea that Thorin would leave made her very uneasy. She would be alone once more, with no one at her side – and for how long ? Months ? Years ? Forever ? What if Thorin forgot her ? What if he found something or someone better on the roads, and decided to stay there ? What if he never came back ? What would Laurelin do, then ? Be alone again ? It had taken years for her and Thorin to know each other so well, and to build this comfortable life at the forge the young woman didn't feel able to start everything all over again, with somebody else.
The more she thought about all these things, the more her heart was heavy with sorrow and anguish. This noght, for the first time in a very long time, she curled up in a tight ball under her blankets and cried herself to sleep.
Next morning, Thorin woke up very early. Outside, everything was still very dark. Dawn hadn't even touched the horizon yet. He stretched, and got up very slowly part of him wanted to run and to be off as soon as possible, but another part wanted to savour the comforts of his home for as long as possible, while he still could. Then he sighed, and slipped into the warm, comfortable clothes Laurelin had laid out for her, yesterday a linen undershirt, a grey woolen shirt, a doublet of oiled leather and a pair of thick canvas trousers, oiled as well to keep water and melting snow from seeping through. Then he climbed down the stairs.
He hadn't bid farewell to Laurelin yet, because he knew she would be up this morning to talk to him one last time – and he was right. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he saw the flickering light of a candle on the kitchen table. Laurelin was not far, standing in the shadows, her hands budy on something Thorin couldn't see. She turned around and looked at him when she heard his footsteps, but her face was unreadable. Thorin didn't know if she was worried, sad, or angry – or maybe there was a little bit of everything ?
Anyways, he smiled as he walked into the kitchen, feeling glad to have this last chance to speak to her in private. She was not just some serving girl after all in fact, he realized, Laurelin had become closer to him than any other Dwarf he knew – closer even than Dis, who was his sister and whom he knew from earliest childhood.
She definitely deserves a few private words, and an explanation, he decided.
He started by repeating the safety instructions once more,because he didn't want something bad to happen to her during his absence. Everybody knew she was working for him, and everybody would know she was alone, without anybody to protect her. Some might want to try and take advantage of such a situation, and Thorin didn't want something like that to happen. This is what was frightening him most : not his own safety during the trip, but Laurelin's safety while she remained home alone. He wanted to be absolutely sude nothing would happen to her.
« I'm sorry to leave you behind. » he then told her, very earnestly.« I wish I could do otherwise, but I can't. » Telling her what was weighing on his heart was hard – he was not a man who opened up easily – yet she had done so much for him, over the years, that she deserved his honesty. « I am sure my father is still alive somewhere. Please don't ask me how I know it, because I wouldn't be able to answer you – but I just know it. He is alive. And the fact that he didn't come back here to find us means he is in a terrible situation. Captive, probably. I can't just sit here and wait. I need to do everything in my power to find him, and to save hime. » He paused, then he continued in a sad voice. « And if he is truly dead, as everybody seems to think, well... then at least I will know. I can't spend the rest of my life living in uncertainty and doubt. »
« I understand, my King. » she said, nodding slowly.
« I know you have lost your whole family, and I also know how afraid you are to be alone... I am sorry to abandon you... But I know you well, Laurelin, and I trust you. I am sure you can understand my need to go and search for my father, and I hope you will find it within yourself to forgive me. »
« There is nothing to forgive. » she assured him, with a gentle smile, and he saw in her eyes that she truly meant her words. It felt as if a heavy weight was removed from his chest. « I cooked a few eggs for you, and I also bought some travelling bread from the baker's shop. You will be able to keep it for a fortnight, so even if you don't find any civilized place to stop for the nights, at least you will have something to fill your stomach. »
Thorin thanked her, then he shifted to another subject.
« As for the money, Laurelin, of course I will not leave you to cope on your own. » he said very seriosuly. « I have prepared a chest for you, with enough gold to buy yourself everything that's necessary. There's gold for one year, approximately. I don't expect to be gone so long, so you will have more than enough to live a comfortable lifre in my absence. » She opened her mouth to say something, but he didn't let her talk. « I think I know what you're going to answer. » he said, smiling.« You will say that you don't care about money, and that you don't need much to be contented – yet there are still some things you will necessarily have to buy. Food, for a start. You'll have to buy food. And to buy food you need money. »
« I can't accept, my King, » she said, dumbfounded. She had never expected him to give her so much gold, just like that.
« Of course you can. » Thorin said, very kindly. « Try to see it not like a gift, but like one year's worth of wages, for the work you will be doing in my absence. Since I will not be able to pay you every month, I pay you now. »
« But I won't be doing much, in your absence... I'll just be cleaning the house, and tending the garden. I can't... As much as I appreciate your generosity, my King, I can't accept such an important sum of gold without doing anything to deserve it. »
Thorin had more or less expected such a response from Laurelin. It was always so hard for her to accept a gesture of kindness, even if in truth this wasn't even a kindness : Thorin was merely just acting responsibly towards her. But even that she couldn't accept.
« I have something for you, then. » he said, and he smiled as he saw curiosity in her eyes. « I don't know if you have heard about it, but Balin has decided a few months ago to gather all the books that were saved from Erebor. He says they are a treasure, and while most of it had been devoured by Smaug's fire, there is still something to be saved. They represent the knowledgs and lore of Durin's folk. He takes this work very seriously. But of these books and rolls of parchment are in a very bad state – burned and dried up, crumbling under the fingers when one tries to read them. So Balin decided to copy them anew. It long, tedious work. And more than once, he told me the task is too demanding and time-consuming for one Dwarf alone. More than once, he said he could do with some help. So... well, if I am gone and you don't want to stay idle, maybe you could help Balin... ? Your handwriting is so elegant and meticulous, and I know how much you love working with a quill and fresh vellum. Your work would undoubtedly be a great contribution to the library Balin is trying to set up. »
Hearing this made her unbelievably happy.
« But what will Master Balin think of it ? » she asked, suddenly unsure again. « Did you talk to him about me ? Will he accept me ? »
Thorin nodded, and Laurelin felt suddenly a shiver of excitement run through her whole body.
« I told him you might work for him for a few months, and he seemed to be genuinely pleased by the prospect. » Thorin explained. « He has seen the books you are keeping for me, concerning the forge. He has seen your handwriting, and he knows how clever you are. I'm sure he will have more than plenty of interesting work for you, and I'm sure he will be more than happy with the result. »
Thorin was pleased to see Laurelin's face light up with happiness.
« Thank you so much, my King. » she said with the most sincere gratitude, her eyes full
of emotion.
Once this matter was settled as well, Thorin moved on to his plans. He told Laurelin where he would begin, at the doors of the Moria.
« But I don't know where I'll go after that, or even how long I will be gone... It all depends on what I will find, if I find anything at all... »
« Will it be dangerous ? » Laurelin asked, looking up at his face.
Thorin took a while to answer. He didn't want to frighten her, but neither did he want to hide the truth from her.
« Well, to be truly honest, Master Balin was right, when he told me the world is full of foul beasts. There are Orcs, and maybe even worse creatures. I may have to use my sword from time to time. » He saw fear glistening in Laurelin's big brown eyes, so he put a hand on her shoulder. « But I am used to such things, Laurelin. I've been trained as a warrior, and I have no fear. There will probably be nothing out there that I can't fight and beat. » He saw she was still looking anxious, so he put a hand on her shoulder and added in his most reassuring voice : «Don't worry, Laurelin. I will be back soon – with good or bad news, but I will be back. Besides, I've asked Dwalin to come by every now and then. His presence – and his ax – should be enough to keep any intruder away from this house. And away from you, as well. I trust Dwalin, he's been a loyal friend all his life. I promise you that you can trust him too. You don't need to fear him. »
He doesn't understand, she realized. It was not really for his safety that she worried, because she had already known everything he just told her she had already known that Thorin was a formidable warrior, and that he would easily be able to overcome the few enemies who would cross his path. She knew she didn't have to fear for Thorin's life. She also knew her own life was not really in danger. Laurelin's distress had nothing to do with all these things. It all came back to her deep, desperate fear of being alone and abandoned. This fear of him finding happiness somewhere else, and not coming back... What would happen, then ? She didn't even want to think about it.
Yet she couldn't utter such thoughts aloud, so she just remained silent and handed him the travelling bread. It was a heavy loaf, made of dark, hard-baked dough and grain. It was wrapped in a towel to keep it fresh as long as possible.
« Thank you. » Thorin said kindly. Attentions like these, particularly when they came from Laurelin, always made his heart melt, yet he saw she was still distressed. He was looking at her, with worried eyes.
« Laurelin, please... » he begged. « Don't fear for me. Everything will end fine. »
I do not fear for you, because I know you are able to survive anything, my King, but I fear for what will happen to me if you don't come back.
The words almost escaped her throat, but she bit her tongue just in time to keep herself from talking. Part of her wanted him to understand her feelings without her having to say them aloud, and another part wanted him to remain ignorant of those same feelings. She was torn and distressed, and then suddenly something came to her mind. Something that was maybe a bit foolish, but she had to give it a try anyways :
« Maybe I could come with you, then ? » Laurelin suggested, her eyes suddenly hopeful.
Surprised by this most unexpected demand, Thorin took a while to come up with a decent answer. He didn't want to hurt her once more.
« Laurelin... » he sighed. « You can't – and I don't say this because I think you're too weak to travel with me, but only because I don't want to make you suffer uselessly. » He paused, and grabbed her hand. « I would love to have you at my side during this journey. Your presence would be a blessing, and would undoubtedly make it more pleasant for me. But it will be a hard journey. I will travel though the wilderness. Riding and walking all day, from dawn to dusk. Sleeping outside, in the cold, on the bare ground, with no more than some furs and blankets. In the best of cases, I will find some town and pay for a bedroom in some cheap tavern... Sometimes there will probablybe days without food... »
« I've done all this before, when we fled Erebor. » she insisted.
« Yes, and I remember how much you hated it. How much you longed for a home, and a safe place. I really don't want to make you go through such hardship again. It would be utterly cruel and selfish from me to make you endure such things just for the mere pleasaure of having your friendly presence at my side. »
Tears filled her eyes, but Thorin didn't know why she truly cried : because she would be alone ? Because he had just rejected her offer ? Something else, maybe ? He could see she was doing her best to hide her distress, but she was not a good liar. Her emotions showed clearly on her soft, round face. He squeezed her shoulder.
« Besides, most people here still see you as my servant, even if we both know you are so much more than just a servant. If you leave with me, the gossips will talk about nothing but this for weeks, if not years. I don't want their spiteful and degrading words to hurt you, because you deserve better than this. »
« I don't fear the gossips. » she answered. «Let them talk. They can't affect me... » She lowered her eyes.« But I understand you are true about everything else. I would be a burden for you, if you took me with you. »
« Not a burden. » he assured her.« But I would definitely worry a lot for you, yes. And I truly think it will be better for you to stay here while I am gone. You will be safer, here. You will be home. And knowing that you are here, sleeping in a warm bed every night, eating your fill every day, will give me the courage to not give up, when things will be tough.
« So I am... I am truly more than just a servant, in your eyes ? » she asked timidly. Her first reflex was to lower her eyes, but she forced herself to look up at him.
« Of course. » Thorin answered withtout even the slightest hesitation. The he smiled warmly at her. « Many years ago, I called you a friend, and nothing has changed – except maybe that the ties binding our lives together have grown even tighter, since I told you these words. » His smile grew even broader. « I'm sorry I didn't make this clearer for you. Maybe I should have told you this more often, because it makes me feel sad that you still think of yourself as a servant... »
The smile on Laurelin's soft pink lips was discreet, but genuinely happy.
« Come with me, please. » he then said.
He walked out of the kitchen and into the barn, carrying an oil lamp in his right hand. Everything was still dark and quiet, but the smell of the baking bread in the baker's oven was tickling their nostrils.
Laurelin followed Thorin without a word.
Once they were both inside the barn, Thorin removed the blanket that was spread over the small cart. Laurelin gasped as she saw what was hidden underneath the blanket : bags of flour and oatmeals, huge amphorae of oil and wine, casks of pickled fish, whole wheels of cheese... She couldn't believe her own eyes.
« I'm sure it will be easy for you to buy fresh food on the market every day, but these are all heavy items. I thought it would be difficult for you to drag them all the way back to the forge, so I decided to buy them straight away and to store them here, where it will be easy for you to help yourself. » Then he showed her the fire wood he had stacked against the southern wall of the barn. « I've bought enough to warm you till Spring comes, and I suppose I will be back by the time the next winter comes, so you won't have to worry for this either. »
« Thank you. » she just said, too surprised to say anything more than that.
« And if there is anything else you need, you can go to my sister, or to Balin. They will help you. » Laurelin nodded, but Thorin was sure she would not do it. She never reached out for help, not even when she needed it so badly. So he insisted. « Please, Laurelin, tell me you won't hesitate to ask for help, if you need it. Please. The idea that you might suffer from my absence is unbearable, for me. »
« I promise you that I will ask for help if I need some. » she said. She was both pleased to see that he cared so much for her, and a bit annoyed that Thorin treated her like a child, unable to survive on her own.
But then he opened his arms and hugged her tightly, and suddenly she completely forgot about her resentment.
Thorin held her like that for a very long moment. He didn't want to leave her, and to leave this new life they had built together. He felt a pang a deep, heart-wrenching sadness at the idea of leaving her behind, all alone, like some lost puppy. But you have no choice, another voice in his head scolded him. You can't let your feelings get in the way of what you have to do.
« I will be back as soon as possible, hopefully with my father, » he whispered into her ear. « Please take care of yourself, all right ? »
She nodded, with unshed tears in her eyes.
« Thank you for understanding why I have to go. » he added. « It is really important for me. I can't give up on my father without even trying to find him. »
« I would do the same if it were my father. » Laurelin assured him, with a brave smile. Then her tears started to roll down her cheeks, ans she buried her face in Thorin's shoulder to hide them. Thorin gently stroked her hair, then her back he rubbed it in slow circles for a very long time, very tenderly.
Then he released her from his embrace, and took her hands in his.
« I will be back soon. » he promised her one last time.
Then he let go of her hands. He gave her the oil lamp, and walked out of the barn. Just before he reached the road, he turned around and smiled at her, before waving her good-bye. She was still crying, looking so small and vulnerable and forlorn.
Thorin closed his blue eyes, and prayed Mahal to find her safe and sound – and happy, too – on his return.