For a while after his return, Thorin managed to keep Gandalf and his warnings out of his mind. The pleasure of being back home and of enjoying Laurelin's presence was enough to make the King forget about the wizard's bad omens. But then days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and the memory of this encounter in Bree came to haunt Thorin more and more often. People trying to kill him... People trying to creep into Erebor to steel Thrain's gold now that the dragon has not been sighted for many years... Such thoughts were unbearable to Thorin. He couldn't just stay here and wait and do nothing. It was not in his nature. If Smaug was truly dead, he had to do something before sombeody else could take advantage of the situation.
Maybe the time to reclaim our homeland has come at last, he reflected.
Yet every time he reached this conclusion, the idea of leaving his home once more hit his
m in the face, as hard as if he had run into a wall of concrete. His village, his work at the forge, his family and his friends... His people, who looked up to him to guide them... And Laurelin, too... Even more than anything else, there was Laurelin... Thorin still remembered very clearly, from his previous journey, how hard it had been to leave her behind and to live without her... It had felt like being ripped in two... Like being cut away from an essential part of himself... He didn't want to be in this situation again – not now, not ever.
And it would be dangerous, too. He knew it. This time it would not be about roaming the wilderness in search for a lost Dwarf. This time it would be a journey full of dangers. According to Gandalf, some people seemed to believe the dragon was dead, but Thorin didn't belive these rumors. Smaug was probably only asleep. They would have to sneak past him without waking him, and then... then what ? Slip the treasure out of Erebor, one coin after the other ? Or try to kill the dragon while he was asleep ? And what about the Arkenstone ? It they really managed to find it among all the other treasures, would Dain really rally to him ? Or would he have to face the beast on hios own once more, as he had on the day the dragon had taken Erebor ?
All these questions were gnawing at Thorin, day and night. He had built himself a comfortable life, here in the Blue Mountains. And the others Dwarves had done the same. Thorin didn't want to leave all this behind. He didn't want to take the risk to lose it all. He didn't want to bring ruin and death to his people once more.
If we go on this quest and we don't succeed, what then ? Will be come back home empty-handed and shamed ? Will we come home at all ?
What if we wake Smaug's anger and he comes here in retaliation ?
But what if the dragon was truly dead ?
What if someone was already trying to steal the gold of the Dwarves ?
Thorin sighed heavily. So many questions, and no answers. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. For the first time in his life, he felt completely lost.
He joined his hands in front of his face and blew into his hands to keep them warm. Winter had come, and the night was icy cold, but Thorin didn't care. He knew he had to take this decision – maybe the most important decision of his life – and the fact that he didn't know what would be best for his people made him feel frustrated and angry with himself.
Of course, he had talked about it with several other Dwarves, in particular with Balin and Dwalin, his most trusted friends. Balin had been against the idea of going on this quest he was a soft-spoken and gentle Dwarf, yet he had made it clear he didn't like this idea. Is Erebor and its gold truly worthy of all the sacrifices we will have to make in order to reclaim them ? Why should we go looking for a lost kingdom, when we already have everything we need, right here ? Dwalin, on the other side, had been quite eager to go. If Thorin had listened to the warrior, they would have left at once, without even taking the time to prepare anything. And of course Thorin had also spoken to his sister. Dis was, after all, a member of the royal family as well. The Dwarf woman had openly opposed Thorin, calling this quest « a folly ».
Thorin sighed again as he remembered their words and reactions. All in all, it hadn't helped him much to go and talk to them.
He looked back towards his house, and saw Laurelin's silhouette bhind the window. He hadn't talked with her about it, yet. Of course the young woman had understood at once that something was wrong with Thorin, because it was unusual for him to isolate himself like that in the evening. But she didn't know why. So far, Thorin had told her nothing about his possible journey, because he knew it would have worried her – and worrying her was the last thing he wanted. The idea of hurting or terrifying her unnecessarily was unbearable.
Yet Thorin felt so lost that he knew he had no choice anymore, now. He needed Laurelin's opinion on this. As much as it hurt him to shatter her happiness.
Maybe her words will help me take my decision, he thought hopefully.
He walked towards the house, and slowly opened the door. There was an unpleasant knot in his stomach as he gathered to courage to go and talk to Laurelin. She saw him at once. She smiled, but it was only a small, worried smile. She was not stupid. She had understood that something important was about to happen.
« Is there something wrong, my King ? » she asked in a small voice, looking Thorin straight into the eyes.
Thorin took a deep breath.
Sorry, dear Laurelin, for bringing these bad news upon you, when you deserve happiness more than any other Dwarf.
« Laurelin, there is... there is something I need to tell you... » He moistened his lips and forced a smile upon them. « When I was away to look for my father, I met someone. You may have heard about him : Gandalf, the Grey Wizard. We had a conversation. We... He told me things. Important things. And now I am troubled. » He hesitated. Laurelin encouraged him with a smile, and finally he told her everything. Every one of Gandalf's words, every fear, every hope. Everything. It took him very long, but in the end he felt an intense relief when it was done. As if somebody had taken off a heavy weight from his chest.
When he was finished, Laurelin had to sit on a chair. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. Erebor ? Was he truly talking about reclaiming Erebor ? No, he couldn't. That was impossible, wasn't it ? But then she looked at him, at his face, and she understood how serious he was about this quest. She felt as if the world had just crumbled under her feet. Her heart was suddenly beating faster, and her palms were wet from cold sweat. She knew Thorin waited for her answer, yet it took her a while to hide her deep unease behind a mask of politeness.
« If such is your decision, my King, then you must do it. » she said in a stricken voice, before nodding briefly in approval. She lowered her eyes, ashamed. She was no liar, and it hurt her to tell him something that was not her true thoughts. Yet Thorin was her King and she felt it was her duty to agree with everything he decided. He probably needed her support more than ever, right now. Who was she, after all, to tell him he was wrong ?
She nodded one more time, then she bid him good-night.
« It is late, and I need some sleep. » She realized her attitude was cold and distant, but it was the best she could do.
« Don't run away from me, please... Laurelin. » Thorin begged as he caught up with her. « You tell me one thing, but your attitude and the sadness in your eyes tell me a complete different story. Please, Laurelin... Be honest. Tell me what you truly think of this. »
The young woman took a deep breath. She promised herself to be as honest as possible without openly opposing him, because opposing him was something she didn't have the
strength to do.
« I am afraid and I don't understand. » She started hesitantly, not sure how much she could say without betraying her true fears. « I will be terribly afraid for you, if you get near that cursed mountain again... I can't understand why you want to do this, when we already have everything we need, right here. » She looked around, at the house where they were living. It had become a true home, and Laurelin hed lived more happy moments here than she had done in Erebor, when she was no more than a mere serving girl. « Yet if you feel this is your duty as our King, then I repeat what I told you earlier : you should do it, or else you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will go to bed every night wondering – what if I had done it ? » She paused, ill at ease. « I trust you. If you say it is necessary, then I believe you. » She felt tears prickle her eyes, but she refused to let them run free. « And now if you would excuse me, please... I did not lie to you when I told you I am tired and I need rest. I will go to bed early, tonight. »
Thorin nodded and bid her good-night, then he watched her climb the stairs. He was still confused and undecided, and he was definitely not able to think straight right now. He needed a few hours of sleep before being able to sort out what Laurelin had just told him. But he had seen the sadness and the chock in her eyes, and the idea that he had been the one inflicting this on her made him cringe with guilt. Yet in spite of everything, she had still found the strength to be honest, and to show him how much she trusted and supported him. It was a quality that Thorin greatly admired, and somehow it would give even more importance to her words, once he would be in a state to think clearly about it.
While Thorin undressed and slipped into his night clothes, Laurelin closed the door of her bedroom and collapsed on the bed. She didn't have the strength to hold back her tears any longer, so she just let them flow down her round cheeks. So Thorin would leave her once more – and leave her to fight a dragon ! What did he hope to do ? Kill the beast ? And what if he failed ? What would happen if he ended up as a charred corpse in the empty hall of Erebor ?
I will never be able to survive this. She realized. Knowing he's far away, and in such a great danger. Living with fear from dawn till dusk. Spending my nights wondering whether he is dead or alive, whether I will see him again or not. That's too much. Just too much. I can't.
Then she closed her eyes tightly, and buried her face in her pillow.
But if he decides to do it, I will have no choice but to accept it and watch him leave.
Next morning, after a long sleepless night, Thorin woke up determined and clear-minded, for the first time in a very long time. He had taken his decision at last. As expected, it was Laurelin's words who had helped him take that decision : I trust you, she had said, and these words meant a lot to Thorin. If you feel this is your duty as our King, then you should do it. And she had been right about it, of course. Thorin didn't see this quest as something he wanted to do, but as something he had to do. A duty. There was no choice for him, as Laurelin had made it clear the evening before.
It was still very early, so Thorin tried to be as quiet as possible because Laurelin was still asleep in her bed, and he didn't want to wake her.
Let her sleep while she can. Times will be hard enough, for her, when you will be gone.
Thorin went to see Balin, and announced him he had made up his mind.
« I will go and try to reclaim Erebor. » He said, looking his old friend straight in the eyes. « I know you disagree. I know you don't like the idea of leaving the Blue Mountains and risking our lives against a dragon, but you are my most loyal and most trusted friend. It would be an honour for me if you decided to join me in this quest. »
Balin shook his head, at first, but then he considered Thorin for a while. His hair was white and his face had aged, but his eyes were still as keep and sharp as any Dwarf's.
« All right. » He sighed at last. « Now that you have taken a decision, I know that nothing in this world will be able to make you change your mind. And I can't let you leave on your own. That would be foolish. I'm coming with you. » He paused, then he nodded. « Two is not enough to steal a treasure and face a dragon. We will need to find other Dwarves, too. Dwarves who know how to fight and who won't fear to face danger. »
Thorin nodded his approval.
« Do what must be done to find such Dwarves, then. » The King told Balin. « But not just anybody who is willing to follow us. They need to be strong and fierce, but also loyal and reliable. These two qualities are more important than anything else. You brother will definitely join us, I suppose ? »
« Dwalin ? Oh yes, he's only wiating for your go-ahead. » Balin chuckled sotly as he talked about his brother's eagerness to go to battle, yet inside the old Dwarf felt very cold, very tired. Fear and dread filled his heart.
« But even Dwalin won't be enough. » Thorin said. « You'll need to find others. »
« It will be done. » Balin assured him.
They discussed a few more points about the preparations of the journey, then Thorin left Balin's house again. He walked back home, and when he reached the forge he saw Laurelin working in the kitchen. He felt a pang of guilt at the idea of leaving her behind, all alone, one more time. And this time it would be even worse, he realized. Balin would be gone, too. Laurelin would not be able to find help and solace in the old Dwarf's books this time.
He sighed, and frowned. What would she do while he would be gone ? This idea frightened him, and almost made him change his mind.
Then he remembered the walls of Erebor, and the gold. He remembered home.
It will be hard for her, but if we succeed I will be able to offer her a life a thousand times better than this one...
He took a deep breath, and entered the kitchen to greet her.