In the days and weeks that followed, Thorin helpd Laurelin to find herself another work somewhere. Of course he knew she would have been able to find something herself, but he wanted to make sure the work was worthy and gratifying for her. There mere fact that she would have to work during his absence was painful enough, but since she had no choice – the money he had planned to leave for her would probably not be enough – he wanted to make sure, at least, that she would be well treated. He didn't want her to be a servant, or some other lowly job. Laurelin was clever and resourceful, and she desevered a good place somewhere.
After a few days, after she came back from the market, Laurelin announced that she had talked with Dwna the seamstress, who would be ready to hire her for a few months.
« Of course I don't have the knowledge to do dresses or other complicated pieces of clothins. » She said. « But I could help her with the easier tasks, and do some embroidery, and help her clean the shop in the evening. »
Thorin watched her closely. The prospect of working with Dwna seemed to please her, so he nodded approvingly and told her he was happy she had found something so quickly. Besides, working as a seamstress would be quiet, pleasant work for Laurelin, who enjoyed sewing and mending and doing embroidery. And Dwna was an honorable woman, who would not exploit her new worker. Thorin trusted her, and his heart felt slightly less heavy.
A few more days went by, then a few weeks. Preparing an expedition like this one was not an easy task both Balin and Thorin were working hard on gathering the tools, the food and the weapons they would need during the journey. They had also found a few companions. Dwalin, of course, was going with them. Fili and Kili had decided to join them, but Thorin had welcomed his nephews with mixed feelings the idea of putting them through any form of danger displeased him, yet on the other side he was proud two have such fierce, skilled warriors at his side. They were old enough now to be given a chance to prove themselves. Making them stay home like a pair of helpless little boys would have been such an humiliation for them, and Thorin refused to insult them in such a way. They would go with him. But he promised himself to keep an eye on both of them, especially Kili who tended to be a bit reckless and foolish sometimes. Oin the healer would follow them too, as well as his brother Gloin. Thorin was happy to count them among his men a healer was particularly useful when you go on a dangerous quest, and Gloin's money would be welcome too. Then there were the three brothers Dori, Nori and Ori – Thorin was not sure Ori, the youngest, had what it took to stay alive on such a dangerous journey, but he hadn't refused him. Everybody was welcome. Thorin didn't ask for warriors or fighters or anything, he just wanted loyal Dwarves who were ready to do their best.
Thorin spent his last evening in the Blue Mountains with Laurelin, of course. They had opened a book and they read it together, as they loved to do it helped them keep their minds away from what would happene the next day. They clung to this last bit of normality in their lives, before dawn would make them face grief and loneliness.
That night they stayed up late, even later than usual, trying to enjoy these last moments spent together. Thorin knew he would soon be deprived of Laurelin's presence, so he made the most of every minute every second spent in her company.
When the moment came at last to part and go to sleep, they looked at each other and realized at the same moment that this was the last time – probably for a very long time, if not forever – they would be in this situation. The next nights would be very lonely indeed, for both of them. Laurelin started crying in silence she didn't even try to hide the tears running down her cheeks. It would have been useless : the pain of being alone so very soon was too strong to be hidden behind an emotionless mask.
And what if he never comes back ? What if that damned dragon kills him ?
Thorin seemed to guess her thoughts, because he put his strong arms around her and hugged her for a long while, rocking her as if she were just a little girl in need of comfort. As he held her against his heart like that, Thorin realized how hard it would be, tomorrow, to leave her behind. He would miss her so much. And he would hurt her, also, by putting her in a very difficult situation. He was worried about her, and about what would happen to her once she would be alone so far she had always been under Thorin's protection, even if they were not directly together. Everybody knew she worked for him. Everybody knew they owed her respect if they didn't want to attract the wrath of their king upon themselves. But now ? With him and all the most worthy Dwarves gone ? Would his memory be enough to protect her ? And the fact that she was crying so much made it even harder for Thorin to do his duty. He pressed her tighter against his chest, trying to make her feel better but knowing very well that nothing in the world could soothe the pain away.
They climbed the stairs together, with Thorin's arm around Laurelin's waist, to support her in case her legs failed her. She looked so frail so vulnerable right now. Thorin wanted nothing but to stay here at her side forever, yet he knew he couldn't.
He hugged her one more time in front of the door leading to her bedroom, then he bid her good-night.
« Everything will be fine. » He told her in his most reassuring voice, even though he knew it was just a lie. He himself was not sure he would be able to endure such a long journey without her
at his side.
Laurelin spent the rest of the night crying loudly in her bed, weeping bitter tears till he pillow was soaked with them.
Thorin, who was sleeping in the neighbor room, could hear her muffled sobs through the thick wall of stone. He desperately wished there was something he could do about, but giving up on his quest was not an option for him. He had to do it, no matter how hard it was for both of them.
Next morning, Laurelin helped Thorin to load his bags on the pony's back. Some other Dwarves had gathered around them to watch the King leave the village, but Laurelin did her best to ignore them. She and Thorin chatted, and did their best to talk only about cheerful things, but the tension was still palpable between them. It was obvious to anybody who witnessed the scene that Thorin was worried for Laurelin his eyes never left her, and he kept repeating the same advices to her, to be dure she would not come to trouble during his absence. Of course Laurelin was old enough to know the dangerous places – and wise enough to avoid them – yet Thorin felt it necessary to tell it to her once more, to calm his own anxiety. He also gave her a list of all the trust-worthy Dwarves in town, starting with Dis who would also be left alone, since both her sons would join Thorin.
« The house will be all yours. » He told her, looking at the forge. The fire in the oven had gone out, and the place looked oddly cold and dreary. « I also left a small chest with money, so you can buy yourself everything you need. Food, of course, but also wood to warm yourself when winter will come. Don't hesitate to use it, please. I want to be sure you will have everything you need while I am gone. It may not be enough, but Dwna will pay you decent wages to provide for your own needs. »
He had to restrain from asking – for the hundredth time – if everything would be fine for her.
When the last bag was loaded onto the pony again, Laurelin started crying again. She didn't even care about the onlookers anymore.
Thorin was deeply touched by her tears. It was obvious that she truly cared for him, and it made him feel oddly flattered – which made it all the more difficult to say good-bye to her. He would have loved to cut himself in two : one half to go reconquer Erebor, one other half to stay with Laurelin, but it was impossible.
Before leaving, he cast her one last look, and in his blue eyes Laurelin could see everything he was feeling for her. How ouch he cared for her – as a companion, as a friend. No one had ever been as close to him as Laurelin. No one understood him like Laurelin. To her, he was not just a king, but a man. She saw him in his every-day life, when he dropped the mask of a king he usually wore when he was around othe people. She knew what was behind the title, and right now she was not staring at the mighty King Thorin Oakenshield, but at the kind and gentle man who shared her days and her evenings. She also knew how worried he was right now worried that his plans abour reconquering Erebor might not go as planned, worried to leave leave his home and his people, and – more than anything else – worried to leave Laurelin alone. She felt touched to see how much she counted to him, and how he was not ashamed to show it in front of all the Dwarves gathered arounf them. The time when she was only a servant was definitely over.
While they waited for all the other Dwarves of Thorin's company to be ready – Thorin and Laurelin exchanged a few last words. Thorin told her as much details as possible about his quest, and he asked her many questions about what she would do in his absence deep down he knew that Laurelin would be all right, yet it made him less anxious to talk about all these things. It reassured him, and somehow he hoped it would also reassure Laurelin.
Then Balin came to tell Thorin that everybody was ready.
« They're waiting for you on the southern road. » The old Dwarf told his King, before leaving to join the others there.
Thorin nodded, then he turned to Laurelin.
« I need to leave, now. » He said in a regretful voice. He made a few steps, then he stopped again and looked at Laurelin over his shoulder. He didn't say anything, yet the look on his face was clear enough. Stay with me. His blue eyes pleaded, and Laurelin lost no time in obeying Thorin's
silent plea.
She joined him on the road and walked with him through the village, without caring about the people around them. It didn't take them long to reach the last houses. The other Dwarves were already gahtered on the road. Fili and Kili, who had grown up knowing Laurelin, greeting her with a beaming smile. They were overexcited to be on such a journey – their first real aventure – and they paced restlessly on their ponies.
Thorin halted at a short ditance from the others. Laurelin stopped as well. They looked at each other, then Thorin hugged Laurelin as tightly as possible without hurting her. His chin rested on her shoulders, and he closed his eyes to better enjoy the moment. And in the end, it was Laurelin who broke the hug, because she knew he had to go.
They looked at each other once more, for a long moment.
« We will see each other again in the halls of Erebor. » Thorin told her gravely. « In the meantime, please take care of yourself. » Then he smiled. « I will think of you every day. » He continued. « The memory of your smile and your kindness will help me endure the loneliness of this long journey. And I hope... I hope that maybe you will think of me, too ? »
He took one of Laurelin's hands in both his hands and squeezed it tightly, finding some comfort in this familiar touch.
« Of course I will. » She assured him, blushing slightly.
« In Erebor, then. » He said as a conclusion.
Laurelin nodded, and then Thorin let go of her hand, very reluctantly. He wished he could have held her like that forever.
Laurelin watched him join the other Dwarves of his company. Balin and Dwalin immediately started talking to him, and Laurelin did her best to keep her composure as she watched Thorin mount on his pony's back.
Before leaving town, Thorin turned back one last time, with a sad smile. He waved at Laurelin, who waved back at him.
And then the Dwarves kicked their ponies in the ribs, and rode away. Watching Thorin's silhouette dwindle with every step was torture for Laurelin. When she felt she couldn't endure it anymore, she started following them on the narrow, rocky mountain trail. She didn't wear the right shoes to climb on rocks and steep roads, yet she didn't even care. The only thing that mettered to her was to streal one last glimpse of Thorin.
She reached a small promontory from which she could see the road below her it spread like a grey ribbon of stone through the green and lush alpine meadows. Tears started pouring down Laurelin's face as she saw Thorin, riding at the head of the line of Dwarves. He looked proud and determined in the rich travelling clothes she had helped him choose, but soon he turned into a blur as the tears filled her eyes.
As if Thorin had felt her presence, or maybe her gaze on his back, he suddenly turned around and looked up at her. He didn't have to search his eyes just fell on her as if they had been drawn to Laurelin by some sort of magic. He slowed down his pony and waved at her once more, a sad smile on his face. Then he urged his strong little pony forwards again, and they all resumed their walk down the mountain. Every now and then, Thorin turned around to look at Laurelin, but every time he was small, more distant, till he was no more than a dark spot in the distance.
Laurelin closed her eyes for a few seconds, and then – without thinking – she just climbed down the promontory and ran after them. She had scratched the palm of her right hand but she didn't care. She didn't even feel the pain, nor the warmth of the blood covering her hand.
« Thorin. » She whispered, to no one in particular. She burst in tears as she said his name, because she realized it was truly the end, this time. He was gone, maybe forever.
She ran till she almost reached them, and then suddenly she stopped. She was dishevelled and breathless, but what truly stopped her was the fear of Thorin's reaction : What would he think of her, if he saw her running after him like some silly desperate little girl ? She didn't want to make him feel ashemed in front of his most loyal companions. She hoped he hadn't seen her acting like that. She actually felt a bit ashamed of herself. She shouldn't have acted so rashly, and she hoped no one had been witness to her foolishness.
Yet Thorin had seen her. She had stopped behind a small grove of pine trees, leaning against a tree to recover her breath, and she was half hidden in the shadows, but Thorin could see her as clearly as if she had stood in the open. He pulled on the reins and stopped his pony. The fact that she had ran after him triggered something in him, and suddenly he felt a powerful urge to hold her one last time, to breathe in her smell, to her her voice. He made the pony turn around, and he watched Laurelin till she realized he was watching her. Her big brown eyes opened wide as they met Thorin's. He hoped she would come to him, yet she didn't move and he felt a pang of disappointment as he realized his hopes to hug her one more time would not come true. She had probably changed her mind, now, and Thorin didn't want to inflict one more painful parting on her.
She probably just wanted to watch us leave. He told himself, as he put his pony into the line once more.
« Farewell, Laurelin. » He whispered in his beard, but the wind carried away his words before anybody could hear them.
When Laurelin saw him turn his back on her, she forgot about her resolutions to walk back to the village. It was too much. She ran after Thorin and the other Dwarves, screaming his name in despair. At one moment she tripped on a rock and fell on the ground, scraping her knees on the hard ground, but she got up as if nothing had happened and just kept running.
Thorin's heart broke as he saw her like that. He jumped down from his pony and gave the reins to Balin, who gave Thorin a puzzled look.
« Wait for me. » He ordered the other Dwarves.
Then he started to walk towards Laurelin at first he walked slowly, but then he gave in to his feelings and started running. He didn't even care about dignity anymore. When he was close enough, he called out her name, then he flung his arms around her and lifted her off the ground. His arms were so strong Laurelin feared he would crush her, but she welcomed this embrace with such joy that more tears ran down her face.
« Everything will be all right. » He breathed into her neck. Laurelin could feel his hot breath on her neck, and it made her shiver in a way that had nothing to do with being cold. She put her own arms around him and gripped the back of his long mantle, then she burried her face in his shoulder. The fur on his collar tickled her.
« Please don't go away. » She pleaded in a weak voice. Her hands were trembling with emotion, and her eyes were burning with bitter tears of grief and despair.
« I can't, and you know it. » Thorin answered, overwhelmed with guilt. He hated the fact that his own decisions were hurting her. She didn't deserve this. « Me and my companions, we have to take back Erebor – or at least try to do so. If we reconquer the halls of our glorious ancestors, we will a proud folk again. We will reclaim the glory and the pride we lost when Smaug robbed us of our home. We will be able to look other folk in the eyes again, without blushing in shame. » He paused, and looked intently at Laurelin. « Once it will be done, nothing will ever come between us again, I promise you. » He smiled reassuringly. « But for now, you have to be strong. I know you can do it. I have faith in you and in your fortitude. You have to be strong, so my mind will not be filled with dread and worry every time I think about you. You have to be strong, so I can concentrate on the main problem : getting rid of a fire-breathing dragon and Mahal only knows what other dangers. Please, Laurelin. Do not give in to despair. Be the strong woman I know you can be – the rock on which I will be able to lean on when times get hard during
our mission. »
He looked at her with such intensity, such faith that Laurelin felt her heart melt. She nodded in silence, then their gazes met. The young woman did her best to stop crying, to be as brave as he wanted her to be.
Thorin kept talking to her in a very reassuring voice for a very long time, till she relaxed a bit in his arms. Then he released her from his embrace and told her one last time :
« Everything will be all right, Laurelin. Take care of yourself... for me... »
Then he did something he had never done before : he kissed her on the cheek. It didn't last very long, but it was enough to convey to Laurelin all the love he was unconsciously feeling for her. It gave her the strength to nod once more, and to walk away from him a few steps.
As she looked at him with sad but determined eyes, Thorin did his best to hide how much it pained him to leave her. Kissing her – such a sponatenous, unplanned move – had made him realize the depth of the feelings he was having for her, making everything all the more difficult. He wondered why he had never kissed her before, because it felt so good, so natural... And for a fleeting moment, he saw himself sitting in front of the fire, Laurelin cuddled against him, feeling safe and comfortable and happy. This was what he wanted. Safety and happiness, not the tears and the grief that he saw in Laurelin's big eyes.
But the only way to get this will be to reconquer Erebor. He reflected. We will never be truly happy if we don't go through this ordeal.
Thorin grabbed Laurelin's hand, and they walked together for a few steps. Then he slowly opened his hand to release Laurelin's, squeezing the tip of her fingers before letting go completely.
Laurelin looked up at him.
« Îmri zaiza... » She said in a soft, warm whisper.
It was the first time she had talked to him in khûzdhul, their nativr language. Long ago, the Dwarves of Erebor only talked to each other in khûzdhul, but after they had fled the Mountain they had lived with other folks. To keep their language secret, they had started speaking the Common Language, and slowly this habit became rooted in their spirits. When they had reached the Blue Mountains and brought this village back to life, most of the Dwarves – including Laurelin – had kept the old habits and continued to use the Common Language.
But today had been different. Laurelin was so shaken, so overwhelmed with emotions that she had automatically used her native language, the one she had spoken with her parents so long ago, back in the time when she lived in the cosy cocoon of their love and protection.
Thorin's eyes widened in surprise when he heard her words. Hearing such strong words spoken in the old, half-forgotten language was a shock, to him – but a pleasant one. It made him understand how much she truly desired to stay at his side, no matter the danger. He took her hand once more, and answered in the same language :
« I would like to... » He started, but then he didn't find the words to continue. He wanted to tell her so many things, yet the words refused to come out of his throat. He wished he could take her with him, so that they would not be separated, but he knew how dangerous this quest would be. A dragon was no joke, and Thorin didn't want to bring Laurelin anywhere close to the beast. He opened his mouth to tell her all these things, but she shook her head very slowly, very sadly.
« I know. » She said. « I can't come. »
But she had seen in his eyes how much Thorin wanted to stay close to her, she had seen his pain and his sadness and his regret.
After a while, Laurelin sighed and pulled her hand out of Thorin's grip, breaking the contact between them. She opened the first button of her linen shirt, and pulled out the small necklace she had worn every day since her grand-mother's death. The small black bird was shining in the sun. She smiled asdly, then she put it into Thorin's big, scarred hands, before closing his fingers around it. The pendant was still warm from resting against Laurelin's chest.
Then Laurelin looked up at Thorin once more :
« Please, my King. » She said in a soft and humble voice. « Please don't forget me. You will be gone for a long time and you will journey to the other end of the world, so please accept this small gift that will help you to remember me. » Then she cleared her throat and continued. « Because I will never forget you. You will be in my thoughts all the time, and I will watch your return every day. »
Thorin stared at the small black bird in his hand. It was made of black, polished onyx, but Thorin did not even see its beauty he was lost in the memory of the last time he had seen that necklace, on the day Laurelin's grand-mother had passed away, so long ago. He knew how important that necklace was to Laurelin, not for its worth (it was no more than a bauble), but because there was so much memories, so much significance attached to it. Thorin knew how hard it must be for Laurelin to remove it from her neck and to give it away like that it broke his heart, and at the same time it made him feel warm inside to feel Laurelin's warmth in the palm of his rugged hand.
« I don't need this to remember you. » He said, his voice hoarse with emotion. « I could never forget you, Laurelin, but I swear I will take great care of it. And when we meet again I will put it back around your neck myself. » He sighed once more. « Every time I will look at it during our journey I will remember all the good moments we spent together, you and me. It will give me strength and courage. »
Thorin put it in a small pocket of his undershirt, very close to his heart. The fact that it used to be over Laurelin's heart moments ago made him smile and comforted him.
« Thank you. » He said. « And try to remember that every passing day will bring us closer to the day of our reunion, Laurelin. » He looked at her for a long time, then he continued : « I really need to go, now, because if I wait too long all my courage and my determination to leave will have left me. » He said regretfully.
He greeted her one last time, and then he joined the other Dwarves who were waiting for him. Once he was sitting on the back of his pony again, Thorin turned around to look at Laurelin. His eyes found hers.
« Wait for me. » He mouthed silently, but Laurelin read the words on his lips. « I
will be back. »
When Laurelin tore her eyes away from Thorin, she saw he other Dwarves exchange puzzled looks among each other no doubt they would discuss what they had just witnessed between Thorin and Laurelin, but she didn't care.
« Let's go. » Thorin ordered his companions, looking at the horizon in front of him to avoid looking at his friends. He didn't want them to see the pain and hurt in his eyes – not because he was ashamed to feel such feelings for Laurelin, but because if he saw compassion in their eyes it would completely break his courage. He would not be able to leave, then.
Once the village had disappeared from their sight, Thorin clenched his teeth and took a big breath. As much as he hated leaving Laurelin alone, he tried to convince himself that he was doing the right thing. It's just a few months, and after this we will be truly happy, in our homeland. In the place where we truly belong. It is necessary. We have to do it, because we all deserve it – and Laurelin deserves it more than anybody else. I will do it for her, to offer her a better life. And then nothing will ever separate us again. Nothing.
A small mile stretched his lips and he felt his reolve strenthen with every step of his pony.
A better life for Laurelin, yes.
That was definitely a good reason to do it.