Author's Note:
...I'M BACK! :) Hey guys! How have you all been?! I've missed ya'll! So, I won't bore you with details, I've just been going through a lot for a while, but here I am, with a new chapter! This chapter was originally almost 20,000 words, and so I had to split it up, and I know this chapter is a bit shorter than usual but it didn't feel right to cut off anywhere else. Anyway, hope you are all having happy holidays! And now... SHOUTOUTS!
First, I've got a special shoutout to My Writing Is This, go check out To Be Brave, it's freaking amazing! This girl is something else! I tell you what... I mean, if you don't go and read it, you're just missing out... jus' sayin'... GO READ IT! :) xoxo
Guest: (Jen)
Thank you so much! I'm glad that you can picture it perfectly in your head:) It makes me feel awesome that I was able to place you inside the story:) much love! xoxo
Onyx Thanatos Theodore Lerins:
yes, hm, dem feels:( I'm glad you love Eric, I do too! And yes, of course you can get the rough version of chapter 20! I will work on completing it and proofreading it, and then I'll post it up for you guys, though, I will probably post it as a one-shot, simply because of the "T" rating that I wanted to keep this story under:) Loves! xoxo
Simana:
Thanks for the review! So, so much! I'm glad you thought it was exciting and dramatic:) And yeah, gotta love the many faces of Uriah Pedrad:) xoxo
Annie0801:
I'm glad you love the music I chose! :) I wanted it to all feel connected, ya' know? :) xoxo Now ya'll go read, His Addiction, I just read it recently, and it gave me the warm fuzzies! :)
sharon mayes 353:
:') I'm ecstatic that I was able to move so much emotion within you! :') I squealed when you referred to my writing as "powerful" ! :) xoxo
EvieLyn:
Thanks so much! Hope this is worth the wait! :) xoxo Go read, Take Care, I mean it! :)
Craseelix1190:
Have I told you lately, that I love you? Damn, what's with me using all the song lyrics? lol;) Awe, I made you blush! :0 COOL! :) I am so sorry I traumatized you with some of Eric's past! :( I kinda traumatized myself, too:/ Yes, a giggle! Weed has a tendency to do that to ya'... lol:) Like, your review is making ME blush, now! :) Thanks girl, love you! :) xoxo Now ya'll go read Fire and Ashe, you will be astounded, and you will beg Seeli for an update! :) On your hands and knees... do it now...
Rizzord:
I gave you goosebumps? AWESOME! :) Can't say much about the other, though ;) *wink wink* ILY! :) xoxo Ya'll go read The Last Scene, it's a completed work, now, but it's amazing! And it's SO original! Eric is... well, he's very Eric, lol :)
interdictum in aeternum:
Awe... c'mon, now... really? There's no way you like this THAT much, is there? If you do, I wouldn't say that it's sad, lol, I would say you are the nicest most complimenting person EVER! :) xoxo
MyHappyLove:
Awe, I'm praying too! I swear I am! :) xoxo
kadejenkins141 kj:
Thank you so much! I left you speechless! That's friggin' awesome! :) xoxo
NL92:
Thanks so much for the review! :) xoxo
Feigningintrest:
Damn, sorry about Eric's past giving you issues! :( I know, am I evil to him, or am I evil to him? lol :) I know, I know... wink wink ;) Sorry that there couldn't be some silly fun in this one, I would actually consider this more of a filler, but it's just because of the way I had to cut it up into more than one chappie;) much love! :) xoxo Now go read, Bad Habit, and, Desensitization. I'm serious... Like, read this first, then go read THAT. Okay? Okay...
murmelinchen:
blushes... damn girl, damn:) You trying to make my heart bleed? Lol, I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! I WILL SEND YOU AN EMAIL SOON! You are too kind! Seriously, Murmy, the compliments! :) LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU! :) xoxo Alright, this one's pretty much a list, but go read ALL OF THESE! I cannot lose what is not mine, She will be his downfall, Dauntless'oween, Last Resort. Go. :)
Miniluce:
I'm so glad you like it! And your French to English review is really good, lol :) It's great to have you! :) much love xoxo
Electric Blue Reader:
Sorry if I scared you! The stress has been relieved just enough that writing is once again giving me the release that I need, without torturing and killing off my characters... um... more than usual, I mean, lol :) xoxo
kazzaroo:
God, the support is amazing! Thank you so much:) Like, you're review here rendered me speechless! What can I say to your beautiful words? There are none! :) swoons xoxo
Guest: (one french follower.)
Thank you! :) xoxo
Missnewbooty:
Great name, by the way, lol :) I don't really have room to comment on ALL of your reviews here, so I'll just say a simple THANK YOU SO FUCKIN' MUCH! :) There's ample evidence to suggest the possibility that you could be my biggest fan, lol :) You even like my "shit work". lol. :) xoxo
1CaityRose0:
I'm so glad you picked up on the songs! :) I'm sorry I've made you emotional! :( I swear, it won't be like this forever, just got to get over this rough bump, here:) xoxo GO read Till the last petal falls, it's intriguing, and you just want more, and more :)
Guest: (unnamed)
Can't make any promises! I don't do spoilers! :) xoxo
cheezemac:
Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying the story, and I appreciate the good thoughts! :) xoxo
Faith O:
Well, I can't answer your question, ya' know, spoilers and shit ;) Thank you so much though! I'm glad you think it seems real! :) And, yes, things are going a bit better for me! :) xoxo
lt briar nathan l 86:
Um... hi... now I'm embarrassed... lol, did ya' leave enough "X's" and "O's". And, c'mon, it's not THAT great... lol. STOP READING MY STORIES! I MEAN IT! It's embarrassing:/... I mean, you can if you want, but... okay, I'll shut up now... and c'mon, you? scared of Eric? Yeah, like that's believable you giant hunk of muscle, you! lol ;)xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
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SO, once again, thank all you guys for continuing to support me and my story! I love you all! SO SO MUCH! I hope I haven't left anyone out, there's so many of you, now! If I forgot you, send me a PM, and I'll correct it! :) Welcome to my new readers, and followers! Don't forget to fave/follow/review, because I adore reviews! I live for them! I swear, I do! :) xoxo
...Um, and PS. I apologize to everyone who received a drunk PM or review from me recently. I quit drinking, I swear I did! :) xoxo
Later that night...
Eric watched Cordelia's chest rise and fall as she slept soundly, her breaths even, and deep. He took the opportunity to memorize the contours of her face, the sharp definition of her collarbone, the plunge of her throat that led to the bit of cleavage that peeped out from the soft, grey nightie that she wore.
The young leader sighed, softly, rolling over onto his side, and leaned up on his elbow as he ghosted his fingertips over her dark eyebrows, her high cheekbones, and her lush, pink lips. The action must have tickled the dark-haired girl, he thought, because the faintest of smiles pulled at the corners of her mouth for the briefest of moments before it disappeared again.
She was absolutely beautiful. The blonde didn't understand why she couldn't have come into his life sooner... He didn't understand why he had to leave so soon. He had theories, of course. "Karma's a bitch" came to mind, but that didn't help too much.
The blue-eyed man had done some terrible things, before he finally got his act together. He was truly remorseful, but his regret wouldn't bring that boy back. He would die living with Aiden's blood on his hands, metaphorically of course. No, he hadn't physically laid a finger on the kid, but... that didn't make him any less guilty.
Of course, that was just one of many wrong-doings that could have landed him in this boat of death and despair.
He fit the role of "tortured artist" quite perfectly, but it was not something he was proud of.
He couldn't be more ashamed of himself, for his past transgressions. He never meant to hurt anyone, he simply wanted to prove himself... to himself, and everyone else. He had thought that taking the role of the most brutal, ruthless initiate would be the best way to do so; to shove his skeletons in the closet, and barricade the door with anything he could find.
As he stared at Lia's face, her long, dark eyelashes falling softly against the tops of her cheeks, he wished he could be more like her. More specifically, that he could have been more like her, much, much sooner. If he had been honest, not only with other people, but also himself, maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way.
Maybe he wouldn't be dying, right now.
Instead, he let his demons lie in wait in the dark corners of his loneliness and depression, masking his pain with nothing more than simple meanness.
Eric sighed again, remembering what he had learned while at the psychiatric hospital in Erudite. The only way to defeat your demons, and your past, is to get it out in the open.
But he had been scared.
He was a coward.
'Am I still so cowardly?' he thought, sourly, face twisting in anger at himself.
He had joined a faction that lived and breathed bravery, and fearlessness, and here he was, a leader of Dauntless, and he was so afraid of what other people thought of him, and his reputation, that he was willing to wallow in his misery. Alone.
Well, he had Lia now, but... he hadn't really talked with her. Yes, he loved her. Yes, she loved him, he was sure. It couldn't be more real. But the fact remained, that they hadn't done much talking. They honestly didn't know anything about each other.
As if she could hear his thoughts, the Candor transfer stirred herself awake, stretching, and groaning softly. "Hey, you okay?"
Eric sat up, the blanket falling to pool around his waist, his many scars once again on display in the soft light of the lamp on his naked torso. He rubbed his face with his hands, before throwing his legs over the side of the bed and placing his head in his hands.
Cordelia frowned, she too sitting up in bed, and moving to sit beside her boyfriend. She only briefly took a moment to appreciate the muscles that rippled in his back and shoulders with each breath that he took.
"Eric?"
The blonde man turned to look at Lia. "I- I... I d- don't, don't kn- kn- know y- you... Y- you d- don't kn- kn- know m- me... Y- y- you d- don't kn- know m- me..."
"What are you talking about?" The dark-haired girl wrapped a thin arm around his waist, trailing her fingers along his side, as she laid her head against his shoulder.
"...I- I, I d- don't kn- know..."
Cordelia felt her chest tighten slightly at the tone of the young leader's voice, and she slid off the bed to kneel between his legs, looking up at him with her lovely, amber eyes, the gold flecks sparkling in the soft, yellow glow of the lamp. "Talk to me, about anything."
Eric took a shaky breath, bouncing his knee uncontrollably in his nervousness. "I- I, j- j- just... I- I'm af- f- fraid y- you m- might, might l- l- leave m- me, i- if y- y- you r- really, really kn- know m- m- me."
Cordelia sighed in exasperation. Clearly, he needed her to spell it out for him. "Eric, I'm not leaving you. Nothing that you've done, nothing that's happened to you, is gonna scare me away. I promise. ...I love you..."
The blonde felt the corner of his mouth twitch up, involuntarily. It was the first time that this confession had been spoken, in as many words. Her admittance did relieve much of the tension that he was feeling, though, and he visibly relaxed, as he lifted his head a bit to look her in the eye.
"I- I l- l- love y- you, you t- too, L- Lia."
The dark-haired girl grinned, flashing a dazzling smile at the blue-eyed man before her. "Let's get to know each other, huh?"
Eric smiled, faintly, and nodded his head, accepting the hand that Lia held out to him when she stood.
Cordelia sat on the couch beside Eric, waiting patiently for him to begin their conversation, because she was unsure of what exactly he wanted to get off his chest. She could tell that he was more concerned about what she didn't know about him, though, than he was about what he didn't know about her.
After waiting for about ten minutes of absolute silence, Lia cleared her throat, softly. "How about we start with something easy? Like, we can each ask a question, and then we both answer it? How about you tell me what your favorite color is?"
Eric nodded, seeming to relax a bit more as he leaned back and folded his arms over his chest. "B- b- blue... o- or it, it u- u- used t- to b- be..."
"...And now?"
"A- a- amber."
The dark-haired girl blushed, furiously, ducking her head a bit, and elbowing the young leader playfully. "Mine's orange."
"L- l- like A- Amity, Amity o- o- orange?"
"Eh, more like sunset orange," the Candor transfer replied, tilting her head to the side a bit. "Okay, now you ask a question, and we'll both answer it."
"O- ok- kay..." The blue-eyed man had to think for a moment, but it didn't take him long to come up with something. "Wh- what's y- your m- m- most em- b- b- barass- s- sing m- m- moment th- th- that y- you c- can th- think, think o- of?"
Cordelia shrugged her shoulders into herself, throwing her head back, as she giggled. "Oh my god! That's easy. I was fifteen, and the Ninth years were touring the courthouse, right? Well, I snuck off with Ronnie Kader and Emily Barton, and we got into some Truth Serum... We spent the rest of the field trip asking each other stupid questions, and basically spilled all our guts in front of everybody! Like, one question that I was asked, was do I masturbate!"
Eric bit back the smirk that threatened to take over his masculine features, and smoothly asked, "A- and wh- what, what w- w- was y- your an- an- ans- swer?"
The dark-haired girl blushed, lightly, rolling her eyes. "I said yes, of course..."
"H- h- how, how o- often?"
The young leader couldn't help but laugh when Lia punched him in the arm. "Careful, or I'll ask you that question, too."
"C- c- caref- ful, o- or I- I- I, I m- might an- an- answer y- you."
Cordelia punched him again, shaking her head at Eric's suggestiveness. "Okay, what was your most embarrassing moment?"
It was Eric's turn to blush. "I- I-, I p- pissed m- myself, myself d- during m- m- my f- f- first f- fear s- s- sim..."
"Really?" Lia deadpanned, disappointed. "That's it? That's your most embarrassing moment? Even Marc and Uriah did that!"
The young leader simply shrugged.
"Okay, um... Let's see..."
The night carried on in much the same way, the two answering each other's questions, back and forth. Eventually, the questions became more difficult, and much more personal. They had eventually moved outside, growing bored of sitting on the couch. It was nearing sunrise, hints of gold and red tinging the horizon as they looked out over the city from the balcony.
"Wh- wh- what's th- the w- w- worst, worst th- th- thing y- you've ev- ever, ever d- d- done?"
"Oh, uh..." Lia had to think about that one. She wasn't sure that she had really ever done anything too bad. "I guess... I would have to say keeping Todd's death from Violet... That was being a pretty shitty friend of me. What about you?"
The young leader sighed, deeply, turning to face the quickly rising sun, as he clasped his hands, and leaned on the railing with his forearms. "I- I, I g- guess I- I c- can't, can't an- an- answer th- that o- one i- in o- o- one g- go... Th- th- this, this i- is th- the p- p- part th- that I- I, I w- wanted t- to t- t- talk t- to y- you a- a- ab- bout..."
"Take your time, it's okay," Cordelia said, trailing her fingers over the blonde's shoulder blades, earning a soft sigh from the young leader. "Just... start wherever."
Eric took a deep breath, before launching into his story...
(Three years ago)
18 July 2271 - Thursday - 1342 hours...
The Erudite transfer had had a rough day. First, he had been so nervous about the first day of stage two of training, that he hadn't been able to eat breakfast. Then, he almost tripped over his own feet when his name was called to enter the fear simulation room... as if that wasn't embarrassing.
And to top it off, he had literally pissed himself before the simulation was even over. He had to sneak through the halls, after being released through the back exit of the room, and then shower, and put on clean, dry clothes.
Lunch was almost over, by the time he got to the dining hall, and for some reason, instead of just sitting down and eating his food, Eric felt the need to make someone else feel just as shitty as he did. As he was walking towards the table where he usually sat with his followers, he passed what he considered to be the "outcasts'" table.
He sneered as he made eye contact with Tobias, now renamed "Four", before shifting his gaze to the skinny boy sitting beside the former Abnegation. "Aiden..." he said, throwing a mocking grin at the scrawny, stringy-haired boy, who glanced around at the other occupants of the table before meeting Eric's gaze, evenly.
"Yes?" he said, timidly.
"I heard you have 27 fears?"
Aiden looked down to his plate, his cheeks burning bright red, as Eric had announced the fact quite loudly. "Y- yeah..."
The blonde boy crossed his arms over his chest, smirking. "You're never gonna make it."
Aiden opened and closed his mouth a few times, unsure of what to say in reply.
"You should have transferred to Abnegation. You're more stiff than the Stiff!" Eric said, jerking his thumb towards "Four".
"Eric," Four said his name with a tone of warning, to which the former Erudite only scoffed.
"You don't belong here," Eric continued, with an indifferent tone. "You're nothing but a pussy, and pussies aren't Dauntless. Go pick daises with Amity- Oh. Wait. That's right. You already chose, didn't you? Guess that means you'll be Factionless." The blonde-haired teen shrugged his shoulders, seemingly uncaring of the harshness of his words. "Guess you should pick up trash, instead. Here, why not practice for the real thing?"
With that, Eric leaned over the table, shoving several trays of food onto the floor. "Go on, pick it up!"
"I- I- I..."
"Here, you should look the part too," the Erudite transfer asserted, grabbing a bottle of ketchup and a bottle of mustard off the table next to them, and squirted the contents of both condiment containers on top of the poor boy's head.
"There... we... go," Eric said, grinning madly, as the last bits of yellow and red squished out, painting the former Candor boy with a puke-colored orange as the condiments mixed together.
The majority of the cafeteria burst into a fit of laughter, though most of them weren't meaning any harm.
"Maybe you should go wash off in a river. Ya' know, just like the Factionless?"
Eric turned and walked towards his table of "friends", not noticing the look of absolute mortification on Aiden's face, before his eyes fell to his mustard and ketchup stained shirt.
2312 hours...
"Haha, I know, right?!" Eric laughed, loudly, stomping through the halls with his lackeys. They were approaching the Chasm when Eric suddenly picked up the sound of what seemed to be wailing mixing in with the roar of the river. "What the fuck is that sound?"
Eric led the way to the opening of the Chasm, Trevor, Clipper, Blaze, and Creed following behind him, closely. "Whoa..." The Erudite transfer skidded to a halt just before he reached the rail.
Aiden was standing on the rail.
He was leaning over the edge to look down into the water, with tears streaming down his face.
"Aiden...?"
"Need to practice... don't I?" the stringy-haired boy said, darkly.
"No. No, that's not-. Stop!"
Eric watched in horror as the skinny boy stepped off the edge, his form disappearing into the violent waters without another sound.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, in shock. He hadn't known that his words would affect the other boy in such a way, he had simply been trying to assure himself that he wasn't the only one having a shit day.
"Awe, c'mon!" Trevor groaned. "You said it, yourself. He was never gonna make it! Not with as many fears as that kid had!"
Eric couldn't say anything in reply. Trevor was right.
This was his fault.
Present Day - 24 July 2274 - Friday
Cordelia didn't say anything, at first. She wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't going to leave Eric, she just had a hard time believing that he could have ever been that cruel... that heartless. It was obvious that he had had a change of heart sometime since then, and he was clearly upset about that Aiden boy.
She settled for something reassuring. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
Eric looked at her, sadness mixed with confusion on his features. "W- w- why?"
"I love you," the dark-haired girl said, enjoying the way it sounded. It felt right rolling off her tongue, when she said it to the young leader.
"Y- y- you m- might, might ch- ch- change y- your m- m- mind, wh- wh- when y- you l- l- learn e- everyth- th- thing a- about, about m- me..."
"No, I won't. Besides, that was the worst, right?" Lia asked, attempting to lighten things up a bit. When the blonde didn't answer right away, and instead seemed to be contemplating something, she spoke up again. "...Right, Eric?"
"...I- In a, a, a w- way... I- it w- was th- th- the w- worst, worst ch- ch- choice I- I m- m- made, a- anyw- w- way..."
"Oh..." Cordelia shifted her eyes down briefly, trying to decipher his tone. "What exactly does that mean?"
Eric just looked down, and shook his head. The dark-haired girl decided to drop it, for now. The young leader was making progress, anyway, and she didn't want to pressure him into telling her too much at once. She didn't want him to get so stressed out that he fell into another episode because of her curiosity.
"Want breakfast?"
"Whoa, dude. You look like shit."
Eric scowled, half-heartedly, at Marc, as he sat on the bench beside the ginger-haired Amity transfer. "G- g- gee, th- thanks," he responded, his voice thick with sarcasm, as he rolled his eyes, wincing from the pain that erupted in his temples from the action.
"You okay, bro?" Four asked, sliding onto the bench across from the young leader, Lauryn sliding in beside the brown-haired man. Four gave the blonde a look that said, "Mm-hmm...", when Eric nodded in reply, wiping away the perspiration that had gathered above his brow with the back of his hand.
"Y- y- yeah."
"Good," Four stated, giving him a pointed look. "Because Guard Rotation is today, and I heard that Jeanine Matthews is coming-."
"Wh- wh- what?!" the young leader hissed, ducking his head, and glancing around the room, frantically, searching for any sign of blue. "Wh- why?"
Four gave him a weird look, before exchanging glances with Lauryn, and the rest of their table. "I... I don't know. Why does it matter?"
Cordelia suddenly remembered how the blonde had told her that he had stayed with Jeanine Matthews for a while. That he had lived with her. She wasn't sure if this was going to be a good thing, or a bad thing, because Eric hadn't elaborated on that fact. She didn't know what to expect, but the blue-eyed man was clearly nervous, one way, or the other.