Ch. 11: Practicalities and Prank Calla
"Er, Master Kaos?" Glumshanks asked. "Doo de doo doo doo, guess I can cross get rid of the competition off my to-do list," Kaos grinned evilly. "Uh . . . . what are you talking about, master? And what's that?" Glumshanks questioned as Kaos picked up what looked like an Arkeyan remote control. "Tell me, Glumshanks, did you ever wonder why I never went back for the Fist?" Kaos rhetorically asked. "Uh, no?" Glumshanks frowned. "Well, I'll tell you," Kaos sniggered.
"Last year, after all the dust died down, I did send a troll mining team to find out what happened to the Iron Fist. They found it, and ir had been completely destroyed. It's worthless, powerless. It couldn't make hot buttered toast, let alone rule Skylands," Kaos snorted derisively. "But, while they were digging, the trolls found something extremely interesting. The Arkeyans were paranoid. So paranoid that they rigged their entire city with explosives. Just in case there was a rebellion and it looked like Arkus would fall, it could be destroyed at a moment's notice to prevent any would-be invaders from getting their hands on all the Arkeyan technology. At the push of a single button, the entire city will collapse in on itself, leaving barely enough room to breathe," Kaos smirked. Glumshanks was surprised. "Wow, master, that's . . . . really impressive," he smiled. "But what good does that do us here?"
"Easy. Remember that button I mentioned?" Kaos produced the remote. "I have it right here! When I push this button, the entire Lost City of Arkus will vanish off the face of the earth. And bury Darkus alive with it! Ha-hah-hah-hah-ha-ha!" Kaos maniacally laughed in victory. Glumshanks applauded. "That's incredible, master,"
"He underestimated me. Everyone does! And that will be his defeat," Kaos smirked, then paused. "Er, I mean, declaw! De-paw? Whatever! He will fall and I will stand triumphant! We just need to wait until Darkus is standing inside the throne room to the Lost City of Arkus, and then, we push the button!"
"But how will we know when that is?" Glumshanks frowned.
Kaos smirked, sitting in his throne and twirling around to face the magical phone screen. "Easy. We prank call him,"
X
"What went wrong?" Linagarnix demanded. "I had them! Really, I did!" a levitating, four-armed purple spellcaster that looked vaguely like a schoolteacher protested. "Did you even try to do something yourself?" Linagarnix snorted. "Of course not! If I did that I would have revealed my hand!" Mesmeralda protested. "You have four of them! I think you could have afforded that!" the Dark Portal Mistress snorted.
"And risk my manicure? I thought you of all people would understand that I just cannot do that!" Mesmeralda protested. "I suppose I can't fault you for that," Linagarnix sighed, standing up and walking over to her Portal. The magician anxiously followed her. "Oh wait," the Dark Portal Master paused, as if a thought had just struck her, and she whirled in a flurry of anger back towards Mesmeralda, who flinched back in shock. Balls of dark energy were collected around her fists, and her eyes were glowing with evil energy, and she looked positively furious. "YES I CAN!" she shrieked. "Thanks to you, not only did we lose Peacock, one of our greatest assets. but you couldn't be bothered even TRYING to get him back. I sent you on a mission to distract the Skylanders from our real plan! So get out there and DISTRACT them! NOW!" she shrieked, absolutely livid. "Waagh!" the puppetmistress gasped in shock, stumbling backwards in shock and fear, failing to look where she was going. The hem of her dress caught on something and she stumbled backwards, tipping over herself and falling backwards - into the milky white, liquid surface of Linagarnix' Portal of Power. Mesmeralda's squeal of shock was abruptly cut off.
Linagarnix stared into the milky, glowing depths of the Portal. "I wonder where she went?" she questioned, then shrugged. "Eh, I suppose it doesn't matter. As long as she isn't here. Incompetent, useless - ugh! You see what I have to deal with these days?" the Portal Master bellowed into the shadows of Kaos Kastle's throne room. Something within the shadows stirred in response. "I knew you'd understand. You always do, don't you, my dear?" Linagarnix cooed, and a growl of approval came from the shadows that harmonised with her voice.
X
Darkus was boarding the deck of his airship when Kaos excitedly dialled Darkus' number. "Hello?" Darkus frowned into his phone. "Ah, yes, I'm Hie Arpei, and I've been told someone at your place wants to talk to me," Kaos deadpanned.
"Hie Arpei?" Darkus frowned, them turned to the assembled Greebles crewing his ship. "Which one of you nitwits wants Hie Arpei?" he shouted in irritation.
He was immediately swarmed by Greeble crew members who were enthusiastically requesting higher pay. Back in their castle, Kaos and Glumshanks were laughing out loud at this. "Okay, okay," Kaos giggled. "He's still on his ship, we have a ways to go yet,"
X
"So, what does hermana mean?" Tessa asked Sharpfin out of curiosity. "Well, I can't rightly say for certain, but I've been around him for a while and I think it means sister," the admiral shrugged. Tessa blinked, before storming io to Fiesta in irritation. "Hey!" she shouted to get his attention. "Si, mi hermana?" Fiesta stopped blowing on his destructive horn as the procession made it's way down the pier and obligingly looked at him. "I'm not your sister," Tessa snapped. "No, no, you misunderstand, madame. Eeeeh-verybody is my brother and sister, mi hermano and hermana. You see?" Fiesta smiled.
Tessa sighed. "Why does that not surprise me?"
X
Kaos giggled like a maniac as he dialled Darkus' number again.
"Hello?" Darkus sighed from his quarters. "Hello, lucky sir or madam. You have won the random phone call lottery!" Glumshanks told him, doing his best to sound excited and enthusiastic. "Random phone call - I never entered a lottery," Darkus blinked in surprise. "Oh, no one enters this lottery. Everyone's a contender," Glumshanks informed the dragon.
"Great, what did I win?" Darkus frowned. "Just tell us exactly where you are right now, and we can have your prize delivered," the butler smiled. "And don't ask what the prize is, it's a secret,"
"I'm on an airship, I can't -" Darkus started, but the troll cut him off. "That doesn't matter, we have Spell Punks on the team that can immediately teleport your prize to you," Glumshanks continued, still imitating a game show host.
"Fine," he sighed. "I'm in the edge of the south-east quadrant, point one slash four," Darkus said. "Now where's my prize?"
"Thank you, and congratulations. You've won . . .. . Nothing! Hah!" Glumshanks did his best to sound mean. "WHAT?" Darkus demanded, but Glumshanks had already hung up. Kaos immediately burst out laughing. "He totally fell for it!"
"An inspired idea, sir," Glumshanks chuckled, complimenting his master. "You can say that again, Glumshanks,"
X
"Okay. Distract the SWAP Force Skylanders," Mesmeralda muttered to herself as Boom Jet, Freeze Blade and Grilla Drilla walked towards her. "What's distracting?" she wondered. "Ooh, I know. A shoe sale!" she squealed, teleporting into the town that the three members of the SWAP Force were entering, and spotted an empty store front.
With a quick bit of magic and quite a lot of finger snapping, the store was painted deep purple, several exquisite-looking shoes were racked up in rows and a large banner reading 'SHOE SALE - 50% OFF'. "Now, to sit back and watch the Skylunatics get distracted," Mesmeralda hissed in delight from where she was watching from the roof on the other side of the road.
"I wonder where Spy Rise went?" Grilla Drilla commented to the other two in vague concern as they walked past the hastily fabricated 'distraction' without a second glance. "Eh, I'm sure he's fine," Boom Jet shrugged it off. "Yeah, you know how he is. He just needs some time to himself for a while," Freeze Blade agreed, and Grilla Drilla nodded, still uncertain.
Mesmeralda groaned in anger. "Seriously? Who can resist shoe sales?" she moaned.
In an instant, the entire store she had created liquefied into a massive pile of sparkling magical sludge. The sorceress sighed in irritation. "I suppose that's what I get for magicking up something like that in a rush. I need to find something else. Because Linagarnix' pet dragon will eat me alive if I don't," She shuddered at the thought of Cogshine's menacing incisors. "What the hell kind of dragon is he, anyway?"
X
Cogshine paused at a sudden inexplicable twinge. "I can't help but suddenly get the feeling that there's someone, somewhere, who I should really tear limb from limb right now,"
Linagarnix tutted from the balcony where she was overseeing Cogshine's progress on his device. "Focus, dearie. I get feelings like that all the time and I think nothing of it," she commanded.
X
Kaos rang the dark dragon's phone number for the third time. "Who is it this time?" Darkus growled. "And it had better not be another prankster game show host!"
"What? Of course not, fool!" Kaos replied, doing his best to imitate his mother's shrill, somewhat melodious voice. "Where on earth are you, Darkus? I have a universe to rule, and I can't do that if my best dragon is gallivanting off in some middle-of-nowhere neck of the woods! Where exactly are you?" The Dark Portal Master demanded, inwardly deeply enjoying this.
Darkus gulped in sudden fear. Radio hosts were one thing, but he would never dare upset Linagarnix. "Well, I, uh," he stuttered. "WHERE?!" Kaos shrieked, perfectly impersonating his mother's hoarse scream. "Point eleven and a half slash thirty-four point seven five in the southeast sector of Skylands," Darkus stammered out. "And, pray tell, what exactly are you doing there?"
Darkus nervously smiled. "I, uh, managed to trick your idiot son Kaos into telling me where he left the Iron Fist of Arkus, and figured I'd go get it - purely for your benefit, of course, of course," he grimaced.
"Of course it was, you fool. And do not insult Kaos. He is far superior to you," Kaos snapped. Glumshanks blinked, and hastened towards Kaos, waving his hands in a 'no' sign. If he wasn't careful he would give the entire game away.
"Kaos? Please. That incompetent fool is hopeless," Darkus snorted in derision. "And that giant floating head of his, what a joke. Eon was right, it looks ridiculous,"
"What? That giant floating head is inspired, I tell you! FEAR IT! FEAR mmmrgh mmphifh urmph URMPH!" Kaos glared at Glumshanks, who had frantically clamped his hand over Kaos' mouth. "Uh, what?" Darkus frowned, severely confused.
"Uh, nothing, nevermind, gotta go, see you later dear!" Glumshanks called into the phone in a fake high-pitched voice, and immediately hung up.
"What in the world was that?" Darkus and Kaos simultaneously demanded, one in confusion, one in anger.
X
"Okay, what else. Think like a boy, think like a boy," Mesmeralda hummed to herself. "Derr, I'm a brain-dead idiot who likes things as mindless as me - of course!" She snapped her fingers with an idea and teleported to the town square, where she hastily began to erect her latest cunning idea.
"This is a nice place, y'now," Grilla Drilla commented. "Shame Spy Rise is missing it," Boom Jet commented as they reached the town square. "Come on, folks, and see Mesmeralda's amazing puppet show!" Mesmeralda advertised, standing on a hastily erected wooden podium next to a puppetry stage. "Ooh, puppets!" Freeze Blade squealed in excitement. "I suppose we should indulge the local customs, eh you teo?" Grilla smirked, and Freeze Blade let out a high-pitched feline squeal of excitement, tearing across the grass of the town square. Following their childish comrade, the other two SWAPlanders enthusiastically went to see the puppet show. "Excellent! Now I just have to keep them distracted by these puppets for the next two weeks!" Mesmeralda muttered to herself in glee. "Don't you see the obvious flaw in that plan?" one of the puppets clustering around her questioned. "What obvious flaw?" Mesmeralda demanded. "Nothing, nothing, nevermind,"
X
Fiesta drew back at the sight of a huge mob of trolls clustered at the edge of the pier and staring him down. "Oh no, this, it does not bode well for us, mi amigos," he nonchalantly commented. "You think? We gotta high-tail it back to the ship," Sharpfin demanded, panicked. "Naah," Tessa smiled. "Flynn's here. He can take care of these guys," she condifently smirked. Flynn nervously scratched the back of his head. "Uh, yeah, about that, I, uh,"
Flynn was interrupted by a second group of Trolls appearing out of nowhere behind them on the pier. "Oh, crud nuggets," Sharpfin breathed. "We're surrounded,"
"No need, no need," Fiesta smirked. "Especialy not for language like that," he added with a frown behind his racing mask. "I, uh, how do you say? I got this,"
"You can't take all them on by yourself!" Flynn protested. "Ay, jeez, whoever said I was by myself?" the ghoul frowned at them, pulling a small device from his pocket. "What's that?" Tessa blinked. "Oh, these? Nothing to worry about, they're just my car keys," Fiesta grinned.
X
"And I think it should be right about now," Kaos grinned, calling Darkus for the last time. "WHY DO I KEEP GETTING STUPID PHONE CALLS TODAY!" Darkus raged down the line. Kaos winced. "Is there really any need to shout at your dear," Kaos paused, then spat the word out, "brother, like that?" he asked nonchalantly. "Sorry, Kaos," Darkus sighed. "I just keep getting random phone calls today. It makes no sense!"
"Yes it does - ah, n't! Does-n't!" Kaos hastily corrected himself. "Okay, something weird's going on here," Darkus frowned. "I know, I know, whatever. Where are you?" Kaos demanded, impatient.
Darkus grinned on the other end of the line. "Now, Kaos, remember earlier, when we were talking about your Iron Fist thing? And how you left it in the throne room of the Lost City of Arkus?" he snorted. "Yeah? What about it?" Kaos frowned, feigning ignorance. "I'm standing in the throne room right now!" Darkus crowed. Sore enough, the dragon was standing in an inconceivably massive room, decorated with all kinda of looping arches and ten-thousand-year-old architecture. A raised dais at the end of the room must have been the Arkeyan equivalent of a throne. "I am so glad you called, because I think I see the Iron Fist right over there," he grinned, moving carefully but purposefully around the giant robots towards a battered artefact that looked like it had once been the hand of an Arkeyan robot.
"You are?" Kaos grinned. "Oh goody,"
Darkus blinked and paused in shock. "Goody? GOODY?! I outwitted you! I tricked you into effectively giving me an artefact of unspeakable power! You should be upset! You should be angry! You should be rueing this day for all eternity! So RUE, DAMN YOU! Why are you HAPPY!" he demanded. "Whoa," The Dark Portal Master blinked. "Be careful with that temper of yours, Darky. You might just cave the roof in," he admonished.
"Cave the roof in?" Darkus spluttered. "This is an Arkeyan citadel! It has existed for more than ten thousand years! The roof will never just cave in!"
"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure. After all, for the last ten thousand years, no one has ever activated the city's self-destruct sequence," Kaos grinned.
The Dark dragon blinked in confusion. "Self-destruct sequence?"
Kaos grinned. "Yes. I pretended to be stupid enough to tell you where the Iron Fist of Arkus is, so that you would walk into a giant, ten-thousand-year-old booby-trap," he explained, cackling with glee.
Darkus snorted. "You forget one thing. The power of the Iron Fist of Arkus will make me indestructible. You really are as stupid as everyone thinks," he groaned.
"Oh, you'd like to believe that, wouldn't you?" Kaos snorted. "But here's the deal. The Fist is useless. It's powerless. I used up all of it's power last year. But it's not like that matters anyway. Even the Iron Fist of Arkus can't save you from being crushed under ten million tons of ancient history. So long, loser!" The Dark Portal Master shouted into the phone, and, snatching up the remote destruct button, he jammed his finger down on it.
Darkus' faint screams of terror could be heard from the phone, followed by the sound of what sounded like giant boulders smashing into the ground, before the line abruptly went dead.
A/N
A/N
Guest; No. Tessa is not Fiesta's sister. -.-
Sparkbutt: You evidently need to have more faith in everyone's favourite evil would-be overlord. ;)
icepelt2000; I know, right? And thanks. I just thought that seemed right. He's the unlife of the party! XD
samjax, I really hope you don't like Darkus so much after that. He IS a bad guy. :P
Best OC Maker, it just seemed right to do it that way. I had major indecision over what was where, though. "Okay, Air has to be in the north, and Water in the south. Life has to be east, but where do I put Earth? West? South? And what about Magic? I should probably put them in the east, but Spyro needs to be in the mountains - but I don't wanna separate him and Cynder. Tech should be west - no, Earth and Undead should be west - urgh!" See my problem?
LiteFox, what happened? Where are you?
Anyways, now that the reviews are done, why did no one say anything about what happened to Whirlwind last chapter? You'll see more of her next chapter. And wow, Linagarnix has a short fuse. So does Darkus. Speaking of which, is this the end for everyone's favourite young evil dragon? Not saying anothing. Peace!