Authors Note:

The way you guys welcomed me back was so beautiful, and I am forever grateful for you guys. Please leave reviews - I swear I read each and every single one of them! I love you all.

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters that Stephanie Meyer had the genius to create. I just put them through angsty situations.

Bella's POV: The First Kiss

X

"For the very first time,

I am see through, baby,

And I don't wanna hide."

X

Everything feels the same - but not.

It's a strange version of deja vu - because I recognize everything that's happening. I know where I am, who I'm with - there's nothing confusing about my days ever since I almost kissed Edward Cullen in that car, but everything is different. Everything feels different.

Jacob kisses me still in the morning before he goes to work - but his lips don't seem warm and inviting anymore. Now that I think about it, they haven't for a long time. His kisses have become a routine, a source of comfort - normal. But that haven't induced butterflies in my stomach, and they don't make me feel like there's fire in my veins. They don't burn at all.

He holds me close at night - his arms envelop me completely. This used to be something I looked forward to, but now, his arms don't seem like they were made to protect me; now I feel as if they're suffocating me. I have to claw his arms off of me to be able to go to the bathroom, to get a drink of water… to breathe. I used to not mind not breathing the clear air of our bedroom, I didn't care whether or not I could smell the trees, and the pines when I left the window open; I didn't care if all I smelled was him. Now, I long for that breath that I cannot take in this house. In this room.

Jacob's eyes remain the same. They still squint when he laughs, and they are still a shade of dark, dark, dark brown - almost black. I remember thinking I could spend days, months, years, staring into them; my dad used to roll his eyes when I would tell Jake how beautiful and mysterious his eyes were. But now I've noticed that they follow me around the room constantly; I can't seem to find a private moment. A private place. I'm always being watched. I'm always being analysed. Now, where his questions seemed loving, and overprotective in the best way, now I can't help but seem them as intruding and annoying. "Where have you been today?" "Who did you talk to?" "Why did you talk to them?" "Why did you say that?"

"Why aren't you talking to me?"

So no, things aren't different.

Except… they are.

(*)

One night, when I am brushing my teeth, ready to just end the day. I am startled when I feel fingertips on my bare skin on my waist where my tank top has ridden up. I look up in the mirror and see Jacob's face - a face that seems troubled, confused… determined.

Ignoring him for the moment, I lean forward and rinse out my mouth. When I come back up, Jacob turns me around and kisses me. I let my body go through the motions, and go on autopilot - something that I've noticed that I'm on whenever Jacob is in the room. But tonight, something is different. Jacob always cowers away when I try to deepen the kiss, try to trail my hands underneath his shirt. But tonight, he is the one who deepens it. All I hear is the sounds of our tongues, and our mouths intertwining but my heart stays calm, and stays in it's place; it makes no moves to jump out of my chest.

I'm almost annoyed at how long this kiss is - but the back of my head, a little voice says, "This is your boyfriend. This is who you've devoted yourself to - he's the love of your life." So, I kiss back. I place my hands on his hair. I pull him closer.

When he moans, my heart freezes.

Jacob has let out grunts and moans before but this is different - this is with purpose, this is with a goal in mind. I pull back and break away from the kiss. He pants against my lips. "Jacob… what are you doing?" I ask, my voice small.

He leans forward and leaves kisses on my throat, but all I feel is saliva. I try not to cringe away. "I know that I've made you wait, Bella. But… I think I'm ready. 2 years is enough for me to know that you love me, and that our relationship isn't going to end, like… like my parents did. I know that we have promised forever, and that we will get there. That we're made for each other."

I listen and process his words, staring at the wall behind him. When I fully understand, I sputter and panic. "Wha? Jak… Jake, wait." I push him away slightly. His eyes flash with impatience. "What?" He says, his voice strong and loud compared to mine.

"Jake… I don't… I don't understand. Why now? I… I…"

"Because I want to." He responds, his voice cold.

I'm so startled that I do something that I have never done before in my entire life.

I step away from him.

His eyes widen in accusation.

"Bella. What is going on?"

I try not to panic when I answer. "Jacob, what are you… this is so sudden… you… you can't just spring this on me!" I walk to our bedroom to gain more space, to be able to understand what's happening. To just get away from him.

But before I can make it to our window, he reaches out and grasps my wrist tightly.

"Bella."

I look at his eyes reluctantly.

"For 2 years, you've been begging me. To… take our relationship to the next level. Then suddenly, this month, you… stopped talking to me. You don't ask me anymore. You don't touch my body… you don't. You just don't."

I see now. I see that my distance has hurt him, and I find guilt somewhere inside of me.

I step forward and take his hands in mine, and try to speak coherently.

"Jake… I'm sorry. It's just… I've been having a couple of rough days; it's not you, I swear…" I scramble for something. A reason. But where is it? What's changed?

His eyes dart back and forth between mine; left right, left right, left right. Then… he smiles.

"I see what this is," he laughs a little. "Bella… do you want to wait until marriage?"

"Yes!" I reply instantly. "Yes, exactly. You know how I am… it's awkward for me to talk about these type of things, so I've been trying to get everything in my head before I came to you about it." He nods, like everything finally makes sense. Like I'm finally making sense. And for him, perhaps everything does make sense. But I have never been more confused in my life.

"That's a good idea," his eyes are soft as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "Probably the best idea. I agree, Bells. We should wait until then."

I say nothing in response; nothing when he leans down and kisses me again. Nothing when he falls asleep in our bed before I do. Nothing when I realize that I'm not going to get any sleep.

I silently get up, and count my steps as I'm walking to the living room. The room is dark, but I don't bother to turn on the light; the moon light is enough to make me see where I'm going. I'm thirsty, but I don't bother getting a glass of water. I know exactly what I want.

I face the window for a long time, staring at the fabric of my curtain. After taking a deep breath, I pull back the curtain. At first, I'm disappointed that the house in front of us has no lights on, and that Edward seems to be asleep. I was hoping that he would give me clarity. An answer. I'm half tempted to go over there and knock on his door to wake up him. I know that I shouldn't.

But I consider it.

My fingers curl at the thought; at the thought of seeing him again.

My body makes the decision before my brain does.

I quietly open the door, holding my breath, hoping to God that Jake won't hear. When the house remains silent, I walk forward. The night welcomes me, envelops me in the air that I've been dying to breathe. The breeze flows through my hair, but I welcome it too. The night isn't chilly for the first time in a long time. I don't bother to put on shoes, and walk barefoot in my shorts and tank top. I never hesitate. I'm tired of hesitating. I'm tired of not doing what I want to do because of my consideration for the people I love.

When I arrive at his door, I take no time in looking at his yard, at his door in detail; I just knock.

I knock again.

I hold my breath for 3 beats. If he doesn't open, then… then I'll go somewhere else because I can't be in that bed for a second longer. At least not tonight. I'll be Jacob's Bella tomorrow; just not tonight. Not tonight.

Right when I'm about to call defeat and turn back, the door opens. A disheveled, tired-eyed Edward looks at me, with sweatpants that hang on his hips just so, with hair that's more copper than ever, with his green eyes squinty and tired, and I am lost.

"Bella?" He asks, his voice hoarse, sending electricity through me. "What's wrong?"

Tears I didn't know I was holding back surface. They pour down my cheeks, and I bury my head in my hands. My heart is no longer silent; my heart is clear in what it wants, but I can't seem to fathom the answer yet.

"Bella." His voice, now more alert, is like satin. Like he knows. Like he understands.

"I don't know what t-t-o do!" I cry. And I don't. My life has always been so secure, so planned out, from the moment I stepped into Forks two years ago, to when I met Jake and decided he was my everything. Now, here comes the thing I did not plan for; a hurricane.

Before I can really process my thoughts, I am being enveloped in his arms. He shushes me, and lets me cry.

These arms aren't too warm.

These arms aren't suffocating; in them I feel that I'm free.

"Baby. You gotta stop crying," he says, holding me tighter. It was the first time he called me a nickname.

I fist his shirt in my hands, wishing he was closer.

"I can't." I sniff; I want to though. I know I'm wasting precious time by just sitting here and crying into his chest, but I just can't help it. I hate how I can feel the muscles in his chest, and feel his heartbeat, how it's beating just as fast as mine is.

My head is a blubbering mess; a mess that I just don't have the energy to sort out.

Drip drip drip

Jacob Jacob Jacob

I couldn't silence my head; but I couldn't silence my heart either, a heart that was beating somebody else's name. Did it ever really beat anyone else's name before?

"You can't?" He repeats my response to him asking me to stop crying, but he isn't mocking me, or even asking me. It's almost like he just confirmed something to himself.

I shake my head in reply, but I am surprised when he lifts my face in between his hands to look at him. For what seems like a long minute, he looks at me, my puffy eyes, my nose… my lips. My heart leaps.

My heart speaks to me.

It says What you want is right here

He moulds his lips to mine, and I am found.

All chaos in my head goes silent; there is no drip, there is no other confusing name. There is just this. It's all there ever was.

He kisses me with no doubt; he kisses me like he knows exactly what I want, and what I need. He kisses me like I am water, and he is a thirsty man. He kisses me like I am all he wants. He kisses me, and he erases anyone else that came before or anyone else who will come after. He kisses me and gives me my air back.

He kisses me like he knows me. And I think he's the only one that does.

X

See Through - Pentatonix.

(You guys should check them out. I recently went to see them in concert and they were amazing.)

Thank you for reading.