Outside the door stood John, he held a hand on the door. Now I cant blame the state Sherlock was in yesterday for the kiss, he is still unstable yes, but now he has kissed me twice. Two kisses isn't an accident and it ain't by coincidence either. John held a hand over his mouth. And didn't I start to responding to his kiss? Yes, I was. What is going on? What does this mean? You don't kiss a friend like that. But does that mean that Sherlock has feelings for me?
On the other side of the door Sherlock sat on the floor, leaning against the wall close beside the door. He had one hand on the door, as he wanted to open it and walk out to John again. But how could he? I screwed up for real this time. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be inhuman? I don't want to have feelings. I don't want them. Take them away. Please John, take them away. Help me!
He can't have feelings for me. It must be the situation. If i take him to the hospital and let him deal with all the things that's happened to Mycroft, then it all will go back to normal. It's too much all at once. We need to deal with one thing at the time. Let's start with Sherlock meeting Mycroft. I'll help him. I need to. Johns hand was still touching his lips, but he didn't notice that himself. And somewhere inside him a small trembling feeling was starting to grow.
Do I have cigarettes in here? Have I hidden some inside? Or even better, I could climb out the window and get drugs. That would make it all go away. Make it peace and quiet inside. Make the feelings go away. Make the voices disappear. I could make myself disappear too. Case it should've been me. I am the troubled brother. Mycroft is the better Holmes.
John took a deep breath and then he knocked on the door.
- Sherlock. Please open the door.
No answer. He knocked again.
- Sherlock. I'm not mad at you. I won't go anywhere. I am still here Sherlock. Please open the door.
Still no answer. John knocked again.
- Sherlock. If you don't open this door I swear to god I will break it in.
At first there was a silence. But just a few seconds later John heard the lock click and the doorknob was pulled down. John hurried in to Sherlock. Sherlock was still sitting on the floor. He was hiding his face in his hands. John squat in front of Sherlock and laid a hand on his back.
- Sherlock. Let's not talk about what happened, John said. I'm not leaving you, I'm still here and I still care about you. The important thing right now is for you to go and see Mycroft.
Sherlock looked up at John.
- But I screwed up... he whispered.
- No you didn't, John said. Let's forget that for the moment shall we?
- Ok...
John looked at Sherlock and smiled. How can he be staying? I'm so much trouble and he stays. Oh god, I love him. John stood up and offered Sherlock his hand.
- Come on, let's get you into the shower.
- Shower?
- Yes, you need to refresh yourself. Get up now.
Sherlock took his hand and stood up. He looked at John trying to see if he was mad, trying to see what he felt, what he was thinking. I can see that Johns tense and even though he said that he's there for me he's turning his head away from me. He let go of my hand real quick, like he burned himself. He's clearly uncomfortable. But he stays cause he's worried about me. He said, let's forget it for the moment. There will be a moment when he wants to talk about it. I'm gonna wait for him to be ready. But for the moment, let's just keep calm and act normal. I'm gonna put away all my feelings for him. It's the best for both of us.
- Hurry up, John said walking out from the bathroom, we need to go to the hospital.
They reached the hospital an hour later. Sherlocks hair was still a bit wet after the shower. John realized that he peaked at him and the wet curls more than once during the cab ride to the hospital. And he realized that he looked at him with different eyes. And a small part of him wanted to reach out and touch those wet curls in the neck. Outside the hospital entrance Sherlock stopped and froze. He looked up at the high wall. This is it. Am I prepared for this? No I am not. I can't. Please John, just take me home again. John was standing higher up in the stairs looking down at him.
- Come on Sherlock.
- I... I can't.
- Yes you can.
- They will blame me.
- No one will blame you, I promise. But they will blame you if you don't show up and you will never forgive yourself. So get your ass up the stairs now.
- Sherlock looked down at his feet and then he took a breath and hurried up the stairs, up to John.
- See, it wasn't so hard, was it?
Sherlock just smiled and opened the door. Mycroft was in the ICU and the closer they got, the heavier Sherlocks footsteps felt. When they reached the last corridor his feet felt like they were made out of lead. And when they reached Mycrofts room he couldn't believe that he actually still was standing up. The feelings from last night had increased inside him and now they were back. He felt numb and cold and scared to death. John looked him in the eye and nodded slightly, telling him without words that he was there. John pulled down the handle and opened the door. Inside the room Sherlock could see a bed and in the bed lied Mycroft. He was connected to tubes and monitors and one arm and one leg was bandaged. His face was both cut and bruised and he had bandage on his head and over one of his eyes. There was cuts and bruises all over his body, and the skin was more red, blue and purple then pink and healthy. It didn't look like Mycroft. It didn't feel like Mycroft. This all just felt wrong. The wet started to run down his cheeks again and he realized that his mouth was opened and he was breathing fast. Beside the bed sat his mother and his father. Mrs Holmes was holding Mycrofts hand. When the door opened they turned around and faced Sherlock and John. Sherlocks lead feet couldn't move now. He was staring at the bed wanting to escape. It should've been me in that bed. It should've been me. Mrs Holmes stood up.
- Oh Sherlock, she said and wrapped him in her arms, Sherlock you came.
Sherlock held his arms around his mother and felt the wet on his cheeks falling down in her hair. Mr Holmes came up and patted Sherlock on the back with teary eyes. John took a step in to the room and looked at them. He was moved by the scene but at the same time he was shocked to see Mycroft in this state. He'd been preparing Sherlock for the shock and forgot to prepare himself. Mrs Holmes took Sherlocks hand and together they walked up to Mycroft. Sherlock sat down in the seat that his father had been sitting in before him.
- I am... I am sorry Mycroft, Sherlock whispered. I should've been there instead of you.
Sherlocks mother didn't say anything about what her youngest son just had said, she knew Sherlock well, she just held Sherlocks hand and cried. Then a silence spread through the room, it was almost unbearable. The air was heavy and John felt like he had trouble breathing. Mr Holmes came up to him.
- Thank you for bringing him here John, mr Holmes said in a low voice, he wouldn't have shown up if it wasn't for you.
- No worries, family is important, John replied silently not wanting to disturb the scene by the bed.
- Yes. And we do consider you too as family, mr Holmes continued.
- I am flattered mr Holmes but I am only Sherlocks friend.
- You aren't for him though.
- What do you mean?
- He doesn't consider you as 'only his friend', to him you are more than that.
John felt confused. I still don't get it? Does he know about what happened before they got here? Does he know if Sherlock have feelings for me? John tried to read the expression in mr Holmes face just to realize that he must've looked as just confused as he felt because mr Holmes smiled and said.
- It's more to him than meets the eye you know. And you've helped him to find his true self. Without you he wouldn't have taken the leap towards his emotions. You helped him not to be afraid of his feelings. He still has a long way to go, but without you we might have lost him.
- But I haven't done anything.
- You're wrong, you've done everything!
And with those words mr Holmes gave John a pat on the back, smiled a big smile at him and then he turned around to be with his grieving and shattered family