I can't feel my arm and there's something heavy lying on my chest. Where am I? On the sofa? Why am I here? Sherlock woke and found himself on the sofa. When he opened his eyes he could see John lying on his chest. He was naked. John was naked and they were tangled around each other. Memories from last night started to come back to him. At first Sherlock felt a panic rising up inside him but then he glanced at John's sleeping face. He looked so peaceful and suddenly all the panic was gone. His arm was aching but he didn't want to move, didn't want to wake him. He leaned his head against John's hair and felt John's scent in his nose, breathing him in. Then he gently kissed John's forehead. When his lips touched John's skin John started to move a little. Sherlock froze, still not wanting to wake him. But John opened his eyes and looked up at Sherlock.

- Hey you... John whispered.

- Hey, Sherlock whispered back, I didn't want to wake you.

They both looked each other, their eyes fixed. Sherlock felt his face burning and he knew that this must be him blushing, but he'd never experienced it before. What do I say now? What do we do? How does anyone move forward after sleeping with their best friend? What is he thinking? Does he regret this? Oh god, I hope he doesn't, cause this... all this... being with him, I've never felt more alive.

- Are you ok Sherlock? John said and his voice was shaking...

- Yes... I'm fine. You.

- Fine. John said. Are you... blushing..?

Sherlock looked down feeling the heat in his face increase even more. He chuckled nervously. Then they didn't speak for a while. Both of them, lying awake, thinking of what happened. John's silence made Sherlock even more nervous. He felt exposed lying naked beside John. He wanted to run away but John was still lying on his arm.

- What... happened John...?

- We... had sex...

Silence again. Sherlock nodded slightly. John started to run his fingertips over his chest. It felt so nice and his skin tingled.

- Have you... been with... Sherlock started.

- A man before? John continued.

- Mm...

- Yes I have.

Silence again. The air felt thick. They did not look at each other.

- Have you...? John said

Sherlock waited for John to continue but he didn't.

- Had sex or been with a man...?

- Both...?

- Yes and then... no.

- So, yes, you've had sex and no, not with a man...?

- Yes.

Silence. Sherlock moved his aching arm a bit and John's head moved up to Sherlock's chest. John's hand was wrapped around him. Sherlock started to stroke John's hair gently.

- So... how did we end up here, John asked.

- I... don't know... you kissed me.

- Yes... but you kissed me first, twice!

Silence.

- I did... didn't I...?

- Yes! You did. Why did you kiss me Sherlock?

Sherlock could hear John's voice rising up, like he was frustrated. His body felt tense beside him, not as relaxed as a moment ago and Sherlock didn't like it. Somehow he knew that at this point he needed to tell the truth.

- Because, I am only whole when you're with me John Watson. Without you I am shattered and you're putting the pieces together. You make me whole John. You keep me right. And... I am in love with you.

Saying it out loud was easier than he'd thought, but still one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He didn't plan to say it like that. He didn't plan to say all of that. It just came out when he opened his mouth. And now it was out and he couldn't take it back. He felt vulnerable. And John didn't reply immediately. Sherlock could feel him hold his breath and then exhale slowly.

- Oh god Sherlock. I don't know what to say...

Every trace of hope died in Sherlock. John had been drunk last night. And now... he didn't feel the same. A big lump started to form inside him. This was it... the end of Watson and Holmes as they knew it. There was no way going back from this.

- How long...? John said and cleared his throat.

- Since the day... that day you killed the cabbie and saved my life.

- That's like the first day we met.

- Yes.

More silence and Sherlock felt that something had changed between them, something had frozen. John was perfectly still on his chest. He was so close but still so far away. Then John moved and sat up. Sherlock looked up at him. This was it. It ended here. It was over. And without looking at Sherlock, John stood up.

- I can't do this now. It's too much. I need time, John said.

Then he turned around and faced Sherlock and said with sadness in his eyes.

- I'm... I'm so sorry Sherlock.

He turned away, picked up his clothes and rushed out of the apartment, leaving Sherlock shattered in small pieces, not able to put himself back together.

John's head was aching as he walked through Hyde Park, from the hangover and also all the thoughts that were jumbled inside his brain. Last night. What the hell had they been doing? Kissing, touching, having sex. Oh god. I had sex with Sherlock. How did that happen? What do I feel about it now? Wasn't I dating Sophie? I thought I was. But I haven't heard from her in days, not since the day I heard about Mycroft's accident. I haven't called her, she hasn't called me. So I guess that's over. But this with Sherlock. Really. I can't wrap my head around it. I just don't know what to think about it. Pictures and memories from their night together kept flashing in front of his eyes. Sherlock's body. Sherlock's hair. Him in his hand. His hand holding...oh god! Sherlock naked. Him naked. Tangled around each other. John shook his head as he tried to make the pictures go away. But it was all stuck in his head and it played over and over again. The pictures started rushing faster and faster and it made John dizzy and he closed his eyes. Having his eyes closed didn't make it better, no it made it worse. The pictures were clearer when he had his eyes closed. He felt sick.

- Stop it, just stop it!

He didn't think he'd said it out loud until he realized that people were looking at him funny. Oh god, I've gone mad, he thought. He found a bench and sat down, staring out in front of him. For a very long time he wasn't able to keep one thought straight. He just kept staring while the thoughts and memories were twirling inside his head. He felt numb and cold and alone. More alone now than when he'd come home from the war. More empty. More confused. What did this mean? We can never go back and act like nothing happened because during these past few days too much has happened. Something I never thought was possible has happened between us. And him being fragile and vulnerable. He's been all about his feelings these last few weeks, it's not like him. And inside me I feel things for him that I didn't know I was able to feel. John took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He looked at his watch and saw that he'd been sitting there for hours. The air was chilly and he couldn't feel his feet or hands. But he hadn't noticed it until now. I need to decide what I want and how I feel about it all, he thought. I must keep all my thoughts straight. So start by asking yourself questions John. John took a deep breath, this was it. Did I like kissing Sherlock? John touched his lips and remembered the feeling of Sherlock's lips against his. Yes. Yes I liked kissing him. He nodded slightly. And did I like having sex with him? John closed his eyes and exhaled. Yes I did. His mind answered straight away. John was surprised that it was an easy question to answer. He thought it would be harder to answer than that but no, he really had enjoyed it and he remembered it all. Every touch. Every trembling feeling. John smiled to himself as the memories came back to him once again. Now the pictures weren't combined with bad feelings, on the contrary actually. He smiled. The last question would be easy to answer, he knew it. Do you have feelings for Sherlock Holmes? John looked up. He took a deep breath. Yes. Yes I have feelings for him. I am in love with him. He stopped and held a hand over his mouth. Oh god. I love him.

Back at 221B Baker Street everything had gone dark. When John had left him that morning time had stopped and every piece had fallen to the floor. Shattered. Broken. Destroyed. He'd been sitting still for a really long time, or was it just a few minutes? He looked out of the window. It was raining. And it was probably not morning. He found himself in his bedroom. He looked at the bed. But sleep wasn't the escape he longed for. Instead he took his belt out from his drawer and went over to the wardrobe. Behind his coat was a hidden shelf and on that shelf was a small box. The hidden box. The forbidden box. The box he stopped using when John moved in. But now he wanted it again. To disappear without taking a step outside. He went out to the living room and sat down in his chair. Did I lock the door? It doesn't matter. I don't care. He took the belt and put it around his upper arm, pulling it tight. He saw the veins grow darker and bigger. Beautiful. He twitched his head and opened the box. Inside was a needle and a small bottle with a liquid in it. He looked at the kit. This was the escape he needed. This was the escape he wanted. He filled the syringe with the liquid. He knew what he was doing. He'd done this before. The needle was sharp and he stroked it against his skin, trying to feel it. He found a vein and pressed the needle through the skin. The sensation was familiar. Slowly he started to push the liquid inside the vein, inside his body. He did it slowly because he liked the feeling when the drugs were running in his veins. When the syringe was half empty the door opened. Sherlock looked up and stopped what he was doing. In the doorway stood John. At first he was smiling but then he saw what Sherlock was doing and the smile disappeared.

- Oh god Sherlock, stop. Just stop. Please don't do this.

Sherlock looked down at the syringe in his hand and the needle in his arm. He looked back up at John.

- You're back.

- Yes I'm back. I am so sorry I left Sherlock. Please stop what you are doing. Please.

John walked slowly up to Sherlock. Taking each step very carefully, so as not to frighten Sherlock. Not wanting him to continue what he'd just stopped doing.

- Why? Sherlock whispered, tears in his eyes. Why did you leave?

- I was scared and confused, John said slowly, still walking up to Sherlock. But I am sorry Sherlock, I was a coward and I shouldn't have left you.

John was now just in front of Sherlock and he squatted and put a hand on Sherlock's knee.

- Sherlock please, don't do this.

- It's too late, I'm already halfway there.

- Don't take the rest. Please. For me.

- It's too late...

- No, Sherlock, it's not too late. I love you. You hear me? I love you. So please stop. For me.

- You... what?

- I love you Sherlock.

And for the first time in a while he looked up and met John's eyes.

- I...

Silence. John held his breath. The needle was still in Sherlock's arm. It wasn't over yet. John held his breath. He needed to wait for Sherlock now.

- I... love you too John...

Sherlock started to sob loudly and the needle in his arm fell to the floor. John hurried up to Sherlock. Crawled up in his lap and wrapped his arms around him. Sherlock sobbed and John stroked his hair.

- I'm sorry John, I'm sorry.

- Shhhh, don't be sorry. I shouldn't have left you. I'm the one that should be sorry. I will never do it again. I promise.

John was crying too, tears streaming silently down his cheeks. They sat like this until Sherlock stopped crying. Everything in the room went calm and silent.

- It's not dark anymore, Sherlock whispered. You're putting the pieces back together.

John took a shivery breath and smiled.

- You're putting mine together too Sherlock.

It smelled of bacon, eggs and freshly brewed tea when Sherlock woke the next morning. John had been sleeping next to him all night. Helped him as the drugs had gone out of his system. Sherlock frowned. He stayed, he thought. When I was shivering and sweating and wanted to die, he was there and held my hand. I never had that before, I have always been alone. But now I have John. John is mine. Of god, he's mine. He is my... boyfriend now. This is big, huge, and I don't even want to run away from it. But now John isn't lying beside me. I think he's the reason it smells so good in our flat right now. He always had a thing about breakfast. Sherlock smiled. What's wrong with me? I feel hungry? I never feel hungry. This is new. Maybe this is the new me, the breakfast eating Holmes. Who'd have thought it huh? Eating has always been Mycroft's thing...

The smile on Sherlock's face faded when his thoughts turned to Mycroft. They still hadn't got any news... Is it ok for me to be happy when he's in the hospital, barley alive? Sherlock had no answer to that question. Instead he started to miss John's presence. So he got out of bed and put on his bathrobe over his pyjamas. He saw a glimpse of himself in a small mirror on the wall. He had a slightly scruffy beard growing and his hair was a mess. He tried to fix his hair as best as he could, he ruffled the curls with his fingers. Then he went out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to see John.

When John heard the bedroom door open he turned and smiled.

- Hey you, he said

He had an apron over his pyjamas and held a spatula, behind him the bacon was frying. He looked like Mrs Hudson in that apron and that made Sherlock smile. He looked adorable, handsome and sexy, all at the same time!

- Hey, Sherlock said frowning, it smells good.

Sherlock walked slowly over to John.

- You think?

- Yes I do.

Sherlock was now in front of John. He stroked his hand through John's hair.

- But not as good as you do, Sherlock said.

John smiled up at Sherlock. Sherlock's hand had stopped when it reached the naked skin of John's neck. He pulled John close and kissed him. John dropped the spatula on the floor and answered the kiss holding his hands on Sherlock's waist.

- The bacon, John said in Sherlock's mouth, is burning.

- No, I pulled the frying pan from the hot plate, Sherlock answered still kissing him.

- How the... never mind...

John stopped talking and the kissing got more and more intense. Sherlock had taken off the apron and John had taken off Sherlock's bathrobe. Sherlock led the way over to his chair, where he sat down and dragged John with him, pulling off his shirt. John pulled off Sherlock's shirt too and was kissing his neck when the door suddenly burst open.

- Sherlock Holmes, you still haven't fixed your...

Mrs Hudson stopped in the doorway and stared at the scene in front of her.

- ...phone...?

Mrs. Hudson fell silent and looked at them both. It was clear what they were up to. They were both taken by surprise and tried to cover their half naked bodies. John stood up and almost fell over because he hurried too much and Sherlock tried to look in the other direction. Both were blushing and their lips were dark pink from making out.

- Mrs Hudson, hi, what a surprise! John said and cleared his throat

Mrs Hudson looked from one to the other and then she smiled a really big smile.

- Well, that was about time, wasn't it?

She giggled and clapped her hands, and that made Sherlock and John blush even more. Sherlock stood up and went to stand beside John.

- Oh, don't let me bother you, I'm so sorry to interrupt. If I'd known I would've waited.

She went up to the two of them, hugged them and kissed them on the cheek.

- I am so happy for you two!

She continued giggling.

- Why exactly are you here Mrs Hudson? Sherlock said, clearly uncomfortable

- Oh right yes, I forgot 'cause I got so excited seeing the both of you.

She turned to Sherlock.

- Your mother called me, you should really get yourself a new phone. It's Mycroft, he's pulled through! He woke up! The hardest bit is over. He's going to be fine!

Neither John nor Sherlock could believe their ears. John smiled a wide and honest smile and Sherlock smiled too, a smaller smile as he stared in front of him.

- Is this true? John said

- It's true, Mrs Hudson said.

- This could be the best news we've had in a long time.

- The second best for me, Mrs Hudson said.

- What do you mean? John said.

- You two, getting together, that's the best news!

She smiled a big smile and patted John's arm. Sherlock was still staring and smiling to himself.

- So... I'm gonna go now. But I'll be downstairs if you need me.

Mrs Hudson left the two of them alone and closed the door behind her. John turned to Sherlock and embraced him in his arms.

- Did you hear that Sherlock, he's going to be fine.

Sherlock sighed, wrapped in John's arms, letting go of the shock.

- Brother mine...

- He's going to be fine Sherlock!

- ...is alright!

- Yes he's alright Sherlock, everything is going to be ok.

Sherlock looked up and met John's eyes. John was smiling and tears were running down his cheeks.

- Why are you crying...?

- It's happy tears Sherlock, I'm happy.

- Oh... alright.

He dried John's tears with his finger.

- It's all going to be fine?

- Yes Sherlock, it's all going to be fine.

John reached in and kissed him.

- Ready for breakfast? John said.

- Starving, Sherlock smiled.