16

STRANGE TIMES FOR SAMCRO

INFO YOU NEED BEFORE YOU READ

Clay is still under the influence of mushrooms and since this story is told exclusively from Clay's perspective, you aren't really sure what is real and what is not. To make the story easier to understand, most of what Clay sees is real except Chuckie isn't a Boston terrier. That means that:

Tig really has perversions that have been mentioned during all the SOA seasons. In season 2, episode Eureka, Tig is snatched up by bounty hunters who reveal that Tig was wanted for indecency in a livestock transport. The man has no shame.

Chibs really has low T and he hopes that's why he was such a pussy and let Jimmy take his wife and daughter as his family.

Bobby is undergoing a bit of a mid-life crisis and he wants to do something cooler than Elvis, but that's all he's really suited to do. He didn't sing the Rick James classic "Super Freak" or do three Olympic caliber back flips. He really has braids with bright blue beads in his hair and beard because it's part of his mid-life crisis.

Juice really hasn't had sex in three years even when he pays. He also has been exercising nude. Both Clay and Bobby saw him. This is also sort of based on SOA. In the final season, Juice was doing naked push ups. He did this kind of hold at the top of the push-up that looked really odd because he's not wearing clothes. I think it was when he was staying at Wendy's apartment. Juice did lose his cut to a VPU, the most vicious of all the scooter clubs. This also has some basis in reality. I used to know a guy who belonged to an MC before SOA, so I didn't know much about them then. I don't think it was the outlaw sort and he never said its name but he did mention it had colors. He told me that he'd been in a bar with his MC friends when some male Vespa riders walked into the bar and they beat them up for riding Vespas. Since then, I've always loved the idea of Vespa riders getting beaten up by bikers.

Jax doesn't really want to be a woman. Clay is jealous of Jax. He believes Gemma loves Jax more than he loves him. Clay also thinks that everything comes easy to Jax with girls and the club, so he resents that. His hallucinations about Jax center around removing what makes Jax Jax- his confident sex appeal. That means the whole vote to kick Jax out of the club and the mayhem vote were in Clay's mind and just wishful thinking. The whole theme song thing was also part of Clay's hallucinations, so when Jax comes dancing into the chapel; that's in his mind. And the disturbing scenes that come next are also all in Clay's mind. Gemma was assaulted and has pulled away from Clay. He's confused about what's going on with her and their once sizzling sex life. This is the craziest scene I've ever written and I think it might be too crazy. I may have pushed it too far. I think it's funny, but some may find it offensive and some may find it not offensive enough. When I write something that I want to be funny, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and humor is very subjective. It's also why I'm not offended if someone doesn't like something or didn't think it was funny.

Clay is delusion free when it comes to Happy and Piney.

The club realizes that Clay's under the influence of mushrooms, but Clay's got the kind of dumb pride that makes him refuse to admit that he's hallucinating. He believes that he is superior mentally and that's why he doesn't feel the effects of the 'shrooms. The club is just going with the flow and playing along with Clay's delusions. He'll be back to normal tomorrow and it's the easiest way to deal with Clay. If he tried to do anything crazy, they would of course stop him.

Chapter 4 Juice Faces an Unkind Cut

More Big Trouble for SAMCRO

Clay Has A Revelation About Presidential Politics

Juice got a fifteen minute reprieve from the meeting that would determine what action he would face for losing his cut to a Vespa Purple Unicorn (VPU). Tig needed to shower off all the chicken shit from his misadventure in the livestock transport (Chapter 3).

Clay opened another beer and took a swig. He held it up and looked through the brown glass. If only that beer could talk, he was sure it would tell him what he needed to do to get his club back on track. He sighed. Maybe if he drank enough beer, he would learn its secrets and he would know what to do with his club.

Clay knew the club was founded on the ideal that everyone has an equal say in the running of the club and that's exactly the problem. There is simply no way that an idiot like Juice is equal to him. There are always more dumbasses than smart people, so the dumbasses rule.

Clay's brow furrowed. Something wasn't right. If dumbasses rule, what does that say about him? Shit! Shit! Shit! He just realized that he was a dumbass and that's why he ruled SAMCRO! The dumbasses voted him in!

His beer was whispering to him. It was promising answers to him, but he couldn't hear what it was saying, so he downed another beer. This one gave him the answers he needed. He had manipulated the dumbasses into voting for him. He wasn't a dumbass! What a relief! He did have the brains to get his club back on track.

Not only was he going to get his club back on track, he had come up with a fitting punishment for Juice. It wasn't as much fun as murder, but it was a close second. Circumcision. You lose your cut, you get cut. It was just that simple.

Clay blinked. The world had suddenly become more vibrant and colorful. Finally, the mushrooms were kicking in. It was the only thing he noticed. His mind had never felt clearer or sharper.

He grabbed another bottle of beer and headed towards the chapel.

Chibs burst into the clubhouse.

"Clay, we got trouble. Big trouble," Chibs said.

"We already did the big trouble thing. You need to keep up," Clay said.

"No, this is a new big trouble," Chibs said.

Clay scowled with annoyance.

"This better not be about Chuckie. I told Half-Sack to take Chuckie for a walk. If Chuckie's shit or pissed on the floor again, I'm rubbing Half-Sack's nose in it and he's cleaning it up."

"This is worse."

"Anyone dead, arrested or injured?" Clay asked wearily.

"No, but it's still big trouble."

"Save it for church."

Once again the guys were at the table—everyone except Jax.

"Jackie, we're at the table," Chibs yelled.

Jax didn't walk into the room, he danced his way in. And he was singing:

"I'm hotter than Bobby

I'm hotter than Bobby

Because great sex is my hobby"

Jax spun around and did a couple of pelvic thrusts before continuing his song.

"I'm hotter than Clay

I'm hotter than Clay

Because I'm great at sex play"

Clay watched as Jax threw himself to the ground and appeared to be trying to have sex with the floor or possibly doing some dance maneuver called "The Worm".

Jax jumped to his feet and continued singing.

"I'm hotter than Tig

I'm hotter than Tig

Because I'm so big"

Jax groped his crotch with rapper caliber finesse and adjusted his package before taking his seat next to Clay.

"I made up my own theme song," Jax said gloating.

Clay wanted to punch the smug smile off Jax's face.

"That's bullshit, man," Tig sputtered angrily. "You aren't bigger than me."

Jax stood up and unzipped his fly.

"Let's go. You and me measure up now."

The rest of the guys also wanted in on the contest.

Gemma suddenly appeared from under the table still holding the picture of Jax she'd been making out with earlier.

"Welcome to the first ever SAMCRO dick throw down. Do you have what it takes? Well, do you?"

Gemma was mocking him, taunting him about his inadequacies.

"Get out, Gemma!" Clay shouted.

Gemma vanished taking Jax's picture with her.

Suddenly all the guys were standing up with their pants unzipped—even Piney.

"Chuckie, we need a tape measure," Bobby opened the doors to the chapel and called to Chuckie.

Chuckie came trotting into the chapel with the tape measure in his mouth. Clay was amazed by Chuckie's intelligence. That little dog was smarter than Juice.

"Good boy," Clay said. "Go back to the kitchen now but close the door first."

Chuckie barked a response and followed Clay's instructions.

Clay put his head in his hands, hiding his eyes, but he couldn't block out the voices. He heard the words "girth", "circumference", "flaccid", "erect", "shaft" and "semi-erect". He took a quick peek from between his fingers. They all had their dicks out arguing. It was the most disturbing thing he'd ever seen. It got worse when they began measuring each other. That was an even more disturbing scene and he'd been in prison and seen lots of disturbing stuff.

He shouldn't have peeked through his fingers. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! His club was going to hell and not in a cool way. Maybe you can never go to hell in a cool way. Clay's brain shouted at him that hell is not cool. It's supposed to be hot, but not in a sexy way. He saw flames all around the table. It was a sign, but what could it mean?

"Ouch. Son of a bitch," Tig said. The tape measure that Chibs was holding snapped back catching Tig's penis.

"Sorry."

"You asshole," Tig said. "You did that on purpose because you didn't like the way I measured you."

"I wasn't hard when you measured me. That makes a big difference."

"Or not so big because you aren't." Happy said.

Thank God for beer. It called to Clay promising answers. He grabbed the bottle and chugged the contents. He got the answers he needed.

He banged the gavel on the table.

"Everyone, zip it now. Measure yourselves raw on your own time. We have club business."

The guys stuffed themselves back into their pants in slow motion before finally taking their seats.

"There's no way I'm the smallest," Juice moaned.

"You're probably bigger than Chuckie," Bobby said trying to reassure Juice.

"That makes me feel a whole lot not better. I didn't get to have sex with hot dead girls, I lose my cut and end up stripped naked in a parking lot. And now you tell me that I'm bigger than a dog. A small dog."

"You are only a half inch shorter than Chibs," Tig said trying to cheer up Juice at Chibs' expense.

"That's bullshit. I wasn't at my best when you measured me. And my T isn't right. Once I get my T back, I'll take all of you down," Chibs said.

Clay banged the gavel on the table hard.

"Shut the hell up about dick size. Haven't you heard from chicks that size doesn't matter?"

The men snickered.

"Yeah, Clay, that's what chicks say if you're really small," Jax said. "Of course, I wouldn't know that from personal experience because I'm so massive."

"You're probably bigger than Half-Sack, Juice," Happy said.

Clay glared at Happy. Happy was talking entirely too much today. What the hell was up with that?

"How the hell would you know that?" Clay demanded.

"Well, he only has half a sack," Happy explained.

"Same area different part," Clay said. He banged the gavel. "Enough. No more dick talk."

"I had another thought on an act I can do instead of Elvis," Bobby said.

"Tell us more," Piney said.

"I kind of look a little like Mariah Carey when she first started out singing. We have the same hair and eyes," Bobby said.

"You can't sing that high and keep your balls," Jax said.

Clay banged the gavel on the table.

"I am forbidding all talk about dicks."

"I can't sing like Mariah and Chuckie howls whenever he hears her sing. I couldn't take him to my shows anymore if I sang like Mariah. I guess I'm stuck doing Elvis," Bobby said sadly. The bright blue beads in Bobby's hair and beard turned black with grief.

Clay just noticed Jax's beard. Something had happened with the bubble gum and peanut butter in Jax's beard. There were now worms nestled in Jax's beard. There must have been worm eggs in the peanut butter that hatched or something. The worms began to spin around like a worm tornado. They merged together into a single flesh colored snake. It slithered down Jax's face onto the table and down the table, stopping in front of Bobby.

The snake reared up like it was about to strike, but instead it darted it's tongue in and out of its mouth in Morse code. It was trying to console Bobby's beads! Bobby's beads began to click together also in Morse code. The Morse code dialogue between the snake and Bobby's beads ended. The snake returned to its home in Jax's beard.

The beads whispered softly to Bobby.

"That's genius," Bobby said. "I'm going to keep doing Elvis, but I'm going to add a section where Elvis raps. It's brilliant."

Bobby's beads returned to their SAMCRO blue color.

Clay banged his gavel again.

"Stay on the subject," Clay demanded.

"What is the subject?" Jax asked. "We should take a vote."

Clay was going to warn Jax about the snake in his beard, but he decided to let Jax find out for himself about the snake.

"Juice lost his cut," Piney said, surprising everyone because he was awake and following the discussion.

"It says in the rules that I have 30 days to get it back before there are repercussions," Juice said.

"You got 30 days, but the club decides the punishment. I think we decide the punishment now and it will motivate you to get it back," Clay said.

"I'm really motivated," Juice said quickly.

"Circumcision. You lose your cut, you get cut," Clay said.

Everyone nodded their agreement.

"That's not fair. I'm the only one in the club that hasn't been circumcised. The punishment should be something that works for everyone."

"It doesn't say that in the rules," Clay said.

"We do it in the clubhouse, baby style," Jax said.

"What do you mean?" Juice asked fearfully.

"No anesthesia. Tara can do it."

Juice's eyes rolled back in his head and Clay thought he was going to pass out. Happy slapped him hard across the face to revive him.

"We can do a little ceremony," Jax suggested.

"I have 30 days to get it back," Juice said in a squeaky voice.

"Good luck. No one knows how to find the VPUs," Bobby said.

"We're brothers. You are supposed to help me get it back. And it's not like I gave it to him. He knocked me out and took it. That could have happened to any of you."

"But it didn't," Jax said. "We should take a vote."

The motion passed with Juice being the only one casting a dissenting vote.

Clay banged the gavel.

"That's it. We're done."

The guys began to get up.

"You forgot something," Chibs said. "We have big trouble."

"Oh, yeah," Clay said sarcastically. "We have big trouble."

"Again?" Tig asked.

"Aye," Chibs said.

If you read it, review it. Bad reviews are OK. Good reviews are even better.

Next Up: The club learns about the new big trouble and a new type of warfare is considered. Clay tries to figure out what really happened when he was on mushrooms. Clay tries to formulate a strategy against the VPUs.

Also, I have decided to broaden the story by moving beyond Clay's viewpoint. I think there's a lot of comic territory with Juice as he becomes more and more desperate to get his cut back and avoid Tara's scalpel.