Update :) Hope ya'll enjoy!

I'll be picking up soon ;)

My life had gone through such a monumental change over the last few weeks that I hardly even noticed that my favorite holiday had approached.

The chill of the air and the occasional snowfall should have been my first clue, but I'd been so busy experiencing my first winter as a wolf that the calendar dates hadn't exactly added up.

At least not until I walked downstairs on the morning of December twenty-fifth.

"What the-"

It was as if the Manor had been transformed overnight by some Christmas monster that vomited holiday spirit in every direction.

Tinsel on the stairway, lights strung around rails opening up to the foyer, where a galore of giant candy canes, snowmen, and santa's were strung about.

I followed the decorations through Alaric's study and into the living room, where an enormous tree twinkled at me, laden with ornaments, and even had gifts beneath it, though they appeared clumsily wrapped.

A fire was burning under the mantle and the blinds were lifted on the far window, revealing the fresh snowfall that had covered the ground.

"Surprised?" a voice called, and I whirled around to see the rest of the Pack grinning at me from the doorway.

Since I was still finding my voice, I simply nodded, and felt tears pool in my eyes.

I swallowed, turning to look back at the tree, "This is incredible."

"Yeah, we thought you'd like it," Stefan smirked, striding over to hug me, "Merry Christmas, Elena."

"Merry Christmas," I laughed, as I was greeted in turn by each of the guys, "I can't believe this. The house was bare yesterday!"

"It took some planning to keep it a surprise," Mason grinned, "But it was worth it to see that dumbstruck look on your face."

I stuck my tongue out at him, but he paid me no mind, hurrying over to the presents, "However, we ordered things, so there's something for everyone under here."

I just smiled as he began pulling out packages and passing them around.

"Here," Alaric came up next to me with a mug of coffee, "Let's sit."

I nodded, and took what he offered as we found a place on the plush couch, next to the fireplace.

"You guys did all of this in one night?" I asked the Alpha, unable to help sounding impressed.

His lips turned up a small smile, "It was decided a few days ago. The Pack doesn't usually go out of our way to celebrate, but I know how much Christmas means to you."

I looked up at him, my brows drawing together.

I hadn't mentioned anything about Christmas, as far as I could recall, let alone the tragedy of my upbringing that was the reason behind my favorite holiday.

Before I could ask him anything though, a present was being pushed into my lap.

"Open up," Enzo chuckled, then moved to grab the next gift waiting to be passed.

The room was full of rustling excitement as the guys took turns opening their presents, and I unwrapped the ones I'd been given.

They were simple things, like clothes and jewelry, but my heart swelled for each of the guys in the room at the sight of them.

Not just because they'd thought to get me something, but because they'd put in an effort to surprise me with this Christmas morning.

I was reminded then, of what Alaric had said and turned to him again.

His eyes fell to me as I did, and he must have read the question in them, because he sighed heavily before leaning closer to me.

The others were too preoccupied to overhear us anyway, but the gesture made it obvious that what he had to say was for my ears alone.

"Damon called," the Alpha murmured, "He asked me to make sure you had a good holiday...said it was your favorite, but that you hadn't had the chance to celebrate it in a while."

I swallowed and forced my head to nod so that he'd know I'd heard him.

However, swallowing did nothing to help the lump that was growing in my throat as I looked around the room.

Damon did this.

I vaguely recalled the conversations I'd had with him over the past months, about my past, my family...I'd mentioned to him what Christmas used to mean to me, and how it had warmed my heart to think I'd get to spend it with someone I loved this year.

The irony.

But he'd remembered, and this was his gift to me.

His way of making sure I knew that someone cared that I had a good day.

I shook my head, not wanting to feel any gratitude for the man.

He'd ruined my life...ended my life...and had been driven from his home because of it.

I couldn't help but wonder where he was right now.

How was he spending Christmas?

I recalled Alaric telling me that he'd sent Damon somewhere Northwest to stay with another pack while I...adjusted.

More like while I discovered the truth and he could be sure I wouldn't want to eat Damon the moment I saw him for doing this to me.

But in all honesty, I didn't want to hurt him...I didn't particularly want anything to do with him either...except maybe get an explanation.

Would he have one?

My heart flipped with hope, then plummeted as I realized that if Damon were innocent, he'd be here right now, and I wouldn't be.

No matter if he meant to take my life or not...he'd still Changed me.

He'd still risked my life to get what he wanted, and I hated him for it.

Hated him almost as much as I loved him.

I hated the fact that I missed him, that I even cared to see him again, and I hated the rage that was so forthcoming beneath my skin because of him.

It just wasn't fair!

I was supposed to have an entire life ahead of me, finishing college, getting a job, getting married, starting a family...these were all supposed to be things that I could think about and make decisions on as I faced the future, but no.

The choice had been taken from me and now I was stuck.

Stuck here with a group of would be strangers who were trying their best to make me feel like it didn't suck, and it was all Damon's fault.

I hated him, and I loved him, and it wasn't fair.

None of it was.

"Why don't we go for a run, yeah?" Ric asked suddenly, pulling me from my internal torture, "It could be a good way to start the morning?"

I nodded, thinking that getting some fresh, cool air might not be a bad idea, "Yeah, okay."

He rounded up the others and soon we were heading outside.

We hurried to the forest's edge and began stripping our clothes.

The nudity thing was starting to bother me less and less and the guys didn't even give me a second thought as they removed their own clothes.

"Change and meet at the river," Alaric instructed, "Elena, you gonna be okay?"

Again I nodded.

The Change was painful, but I'd learned how to manage it until the transition had passed.

"Good," he said, "See you in a few."

We all made our way to different locations so that we could Change in private.

Despite constantly seeing each other naked, having your body snap and form into an animal was a level of intimacy no one appeared to be all that comfortable sharing with anyone else.

I was grateful that I had enough control over my wolf that I could be left to Change without Alaric's guidance.

I took a deep breath and dropped on all fours in the snow.

"What time is it?" Damon asked, swiping a hand over his face as he joined me in the living room.

"Quarter til two," I told him, and he shook his head before observing our children, asleep on the couch.

"Did they finally pass out?"

"A few times," I admitted, "But it's never for long."

Spring had brought forward a new set of motherly worries for me; allergies and the sicknesses they bring.

I'd been up all night with stuffy nosed, high fevered young that wanted to cuddle and sleep all over me.

Eventually I'd moved us to the living room so we could get on the couch and start a fire to keep them warm, but so far they'd just been getting little naps in, unable to get comfortable long enough to reach a deep sleep.

Damon sighed and walked over to me, kissing my forehead, "Why don't you head up to bed? I'll stay here with them."

I shook my head, "Baby, no. You've been doing runs all night. If one of us needs to sleep, it's you."

Instead of protesting, like I'd half expected him to do, he sank into an adjacent chair.

"Here," he said, "This way we can take turns napping."

I smiled tiredly, "Sounds good."

He reached for my hand then, and I interlaced our fingers, ignoring the dirt under his nails.

"Did you find anything?" I asked him.

He shook his head, "No. I ran the perimeter of the town and even went a few miles out into the bordering ones, but so far nothing."

"That's good though," I reminded him, "No news is good news."

He shrugged, "Maybe. This whole Order thing still feels sketchy. I keep waiting for them to make their move, but...nothing."

I considered that, "Maybe they backed off? You said that they knew who you were...maybe thinking the Alpha was coming for them was enough to scare them back into hiding?"

"I doubt it," he leaned back into the chair, "It didn't feel that way. I think they're biding their time...waiting."

I squeezed his hand, "Well if they're stupid enough to come here, we'll be ready."

He nodded, but I could tell his mind was elsewhere.

I sighed, "You want to go hunting for them."

The smallest of smirks played out across his lips, "Is it that obvious?"

"I just know you that well," I amended, "And I know how antsy you get when you have nothing to kill."

"Invisible threats are a bitch," he agreed quietly.

The light of the fire played off of his face, the features taut and strained with his stress.

"We have no leads," I reminded him, "And it's too risky to go chasing after every white rabbit."

"I know," he said, pulling his eyes from the fire to me, "I'm not going anywhere, kitten. I just wish that they would do something, if they're going to. The tension from waiting is-"

"Hard," I finished for him, "Yeah, I know."

Damon nodded and looked over at the twins, "Well, at least they're safe for now."

"From everything except mundane sinus infections," I joked, trying to lighten his mood.

He did smile a little as he observed our young.

"It will pass," he said, "And maybe this is a good thing. With all of their abilities, sometimes it's good to remember they are still children; still growing and developing. I forget the humanity in our magic sometimes."

"We all do," I agreed, "There's so much about our lives that revolve around it."

"Except for this," he smiled, "Human sinus infection is about as normal as it gets."

I reached down and brushed Daniel's bangs back while he slept, and frowned a little, "It doesn't worry you some? That they get sick? I mean, we don't…"

Damon shook his head, "No, it doesn't. As I said, they're still young. Their immune systems might not of adapted the same as ours quite yet. Children tend to get sick easier than adults. This is normal."

Normal.

I huffed a little in amusement at the word.

Our lives were so far from it that we'd have to rent a boat, then take a jet to even get back within the vicinity of normal.

But as I sat with my little family, I knew I was okay with that.

Magic had made this possible, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

"I love you," I murmured to my mate.

Damon's eyes found mine again and he smiled, "I love you too, kitten."

By the time night had fallen, I had almost managed to forget my less pleasurable mood from this morning.

I had spent the past few hours half drunk on spiked eggnog, courtesy of Enzo, and watched as the guys tried to imitate the Christmas songs blasting from the station that played out of the stereo system.

Full from both the drinks and the delicious Ham that George had prepared for dinner, I curled up in one of the chairs in the living room, loving the warmth that the nearby fireplace threw off.

Mason and Stefan were arguing with Enzo over particular lyrics to Santa Baby, and I shook my head as I stared around the room in admiration.

I honestly couldn't remember a Christmas as good as this one.

I mean, I'd decorated with Jenna, and she'd gotten me gifts up until I reached high school age, but something had always felt like it was missing.

Well...something still felt like it was missing, but at least this time, I knew what it was.

I sighed, trying and failing not to let my thoughts wander back to Damon, as Tyler walked over.

"You're looking a bit sleepy there," he teased with a light smile, which I returned.

I liked Tyler.

He wasn't flirty like Mason and Enzo, and didn't remind me of Damon the way Stefan did.

I was able to simply enjoy his company.

It was the same with George, but the older Lockwood had disappeared along with the Alpha, leaving us younger ones to the partying.

Tyler sat down in the chair adjacent from me, "You okay?"

I nodded, "Just enjoying listening to those idiots."

He smirked, glancing over at where the others were still arguing, "I think we should do holidays more often. This was fun."

"It was," I agreed, pulling my legs up so I could tuck them beneath me, "You guys never did holidays before now?"

Tyler shrugged as he sank back into the chair, "We did when we were little and still believed in Santa Claus, but it's been a few years."

I smiled, "Well, I'm happy you did it this year."

"It was Damon's idea," he said, a little more quietly, "You know that right? I heard Ric on the phone with him."

I sighed, "Yeah, Alaric told me."

Tyler could sense that I didn't really want to discuss the matter, both from my tone and my scent, but he still pressed a bit more.

"What he did was a dick move," he admitted, "But in all the time I've known him, Damon's never cared about anything the way he does for you. And the wolf is different for him than it is for us. So maybe it was selfishness, or desperation, or whatever, but...he loved you. I think he just wanted to be sure he could keep you."

I shook my head, "He would have known he was practically killing me, and he made the call."

Standing up from the chair, I offered him a sad smile, "But I do appreciate that you care enough to say that."

Tyler stood as well, "Pack is family, Elena. We have to look out for one another."

His words were echoing, even after I told him and the others goodnight and left the room.

Pack is family.

This was my family now, and I felt that bond grow each time we changed and ran together through Pack land.

I felt it in the way they teased and patronized me the way I'd always imagined brothers would.

And maybe I was beginning to care for them on a level that wasn't quite human.

But the fact of the matter was that they weren't enough.

This Pack wasn't the family I'd wanted, despite how much they'd been helping me.

I wanted children.

Normalcy.

Everything I'd craved as I'd grown up without parents.

I wanted holidays with a husband and convincing our little ones that Santa had left gifts for them.

I wanted a dream that was now impossible.

As a werewolf I was forbidden from telling anyone about myself, so even if I ever managed to fall in love with someone again, it would be doomed from the start.

And children…

I shivered, considering that possibility.

Would they get the wolf gene from me? Was that possible?

There was no precedence for this, since there had never been a child born to a wolf mother.

It wasn't a chance I really wanted to take though.

I'd never be able to forgive myself if I forced this curse onto some innocent baby like it had been forced onto me.

So no love...no children...no family.

Pack is family.

Tyler had said this, about trying to help me or trying to defend Damon, I wasn't sure, but it didn't matter.

Because this Pack was all I had now.

Alaric, George, the guys...and Damon.

I paused in the foyer, just before heading up the stairs.

My heart ached for the man I'd loved, but it broke in resentment at what he'd done to me.

But maybe he had a reason.

Maybe in some way he could make sense of this...because I couldn't believe that the Damon I'd known and loved would have just let me die.

That same Damon who made me feel wanted for the first time ever...who made me feel alive and loved...who would call Alaric to make sure I had a good Christmas.

Maybe if I saw him again, and spoke to him, he could make this better.

On a fool's hope, I changed my course of direction to the hallway, following Alaric's freshest scent to the top of the basement stairs.

I paused.

Not being stuck in that room helped, but I still found the basement a little off putting.

I'd been forcing myself to spend a little time down there, especially since finding out about my lone female status, and I'd gone through every historical scroll down there before I started to believe that Alaric was right.

There had never been a female werewolf documented, and there were laws speaking against the biting of one.

I had cried for a solid hour, down in the basement, after reading these things.

Because it just proved the truth that Damon had risked my life on the off chance that I would live and he would get to keep me, since apparently my being dead was better than me leaving him.

But there had to be more to it than that.

There had to be.

I wanted an explanation, but at the same time, I was afraid of getting one.

Damon had done this to me.

There was no way to reason around the fact that he had bitten me while knowing the mortality rate for females, and I couldn't imagine a single thing he could say that would make this better.

But God, I hoped there was something that would make it make sense.

I tried to think of what it could be, as I forced myself to descend the steps, but again, nothing came to mind that was plausible.

Especially because a part of me had always sensed the animal in Damon, and couldn't be that surprised.

The primal affliction behind his blue eyes that hinted at something wild...it had been what had attracted me to him in the first place.

But now, after reading his histories and hearing stories from the other guys, it was hard to believe it was the same man I'd fallen for.

A man who was capable of skinning a rogue werewolf alive could never of touched me with the loving tenderness that Damon had.

Surely there was another explanation, because the Pack Enforcer and my fiance just couldn't be the same person.

Yet, in my heart, I felt it.

The demandingness in our sex, Damon's need for submission...the anger he'd thrown out at my male classmates, the possessiveness...in hindsight, it made sense.

Instincts ruled first and foremost, and according to the others, Damon had always been more wolf than human.

Why was it so hard to believe that he would once again let instinct take over, to get something he wanted?

Maybe because he'd once looked at me as if I was his reason for living?

How could those same eyes belong to my destruction?

There was only one person who could offer me an answer.

Alaric was hunched over the far table, when I finally reached the bottom of the stairs, a few Mutt case files opened in front of him.

They looked familiar to me; probably because I'd done a lot of reading these past few weeks; on the history, the Mutts, the laws.

About a week ago, I'd even decided to clean the entire basement, straightening and organizing, which it had needed grievously.

The task had helped give me a sense of purpose and had even felt a bit therapeutic, putting things in a proper place and system, until I'd stumbled upon what could only be described as torture tools.

Scalpels, knives, lighters, pliers, saws, and more, each covered with Damon's scent.

I had reserved myself to staying mostly upstairs after that, and Alaric had promised me that he would go down and put the things away.

It was easier to just nod and thank him than to think about what those things might have been used for.

I hadn't really been back down here much since.

Which was why I wasn't all that surprised when Alaric's eyebrow raised as he turned to face me, "Elena."

"Hey, Ric."

He offered me a small smile, "Party ending?"

I shrugged, "I decided to turn in...but I wanted to talk to you first. Do you have a second?"

He nodded and closed the case file before leaning against the table instead, "Sure. What's on your mind."

That's a broad question, I thought, then ran my request through my head, wanting to be absolutely certain of my decision before voicing it.

I knew it had to be done if I wanted to know the truth.

It would be worth it.

"I want to speak to Damon," I told him, trying to keep the hint of any emotion out of my voice, "I want you to let him come back."

An expression that almost seemed like relief crossed Alaric's features, but his words contradicted the look, "Are you sure? His offense was against you, so you are the only one with the right to grant him a pardon-"

"I'm not pardoning anything," I amended, "I just...I want to talk to him."

Ric studied my expression, "If that's what you want, I'll lift the banishment."

I nodded shortly, then turned to leave, but the Alpha's voice stopped me, "Elena, wait."

I looked back at him over my shoulder, "Yeah?"

"Thank you," he said, "Damon being away hasn't been good for him or the Pack. Your forgiveness would-"

"I didn't say that I forgave him," I shot, and Ric nodded, "I know...but you'll let him explain himself?"

Well that was the plan, wasn't it?

I sighed, "I'll just hope he has a damn good explanation."

Alaric nodded solemnly, "I'll make the call."

:)