Dean sat on the hood of the Impala. He had half a bottle of jack left. He couldn't decide what he was feeling. His range of emotions were shooting in all directions. He was holding Bobby's hat tightly in one shaking hand and the bottle in the other. He had parked at the only field in the county. It had one lone tree in the middle of it and tall grass surrounding it all. This was his spot he went to when he needed to be alone.
Dean was crying and he hated it. He didn't cry when his father had died, but Bobby had meant so much more. Bobby had been there for him. He was the one Dean looked to when he had no idea what to do, or when he needed help with Sam. He was finally happy and now God had played the cruelest card he possesed.
Dean jumped down from the hood and wobbled as he steadied himself. He was so angry and hurt. He looked down at the hat in his hand and felt it all boil up and spill over. He took a long swig from his bottle and he stared at it after he let it drop back down. His anger coming to a peak; Dean threw the bottle and it shattered as it hit the tree. Dean yelled up at the sky. He had no words, but he hoped that his voice had been heard and realized. He wanted the sick son of a bitch who took his real father from him to hear him. He hoped that God shuttered at this moment because He knew what Dean's thoughts were.
After his voice had given out, Dean hit his knees. He no longer had the will or energy to stand anymore. His phone went off in his pocket. He looked at the screen and just tossed it to the side. No way was he letting Sam hear him like this. The phone rang three times after the first call. There was a break in the ringing. After five minutes of just laying in his numbness, looking up at the sky, and contemplating getting another bottle from his front seat, the phone went off again. Dean was so irritated with it that he answered it without looking for who it was first.
"Sam, stop calling me. I will be home." He hung up and put his head on his knees. The ground was beginning to spin while he was sitting still. A minute went by and his phone went off again.
"God damn it, What?!" He answered this time.
"Dean?" It wasn't Sam.
"I told you to go home."
"I am home Dean. Sam called me because he's worried. He doesn't know where you are. Why is your voice so hoarse? And... are you drunk?"
"I'm fine." Dean tried to get up, but the world around went into warp speed and he fell. When he put his hand down to catch himself it hit the shards of glass and he felt it slice open his palm. He couldn't feel the pain. "Damn it. Look, Cas, I've gotta go.. I flumped up my head."
"You what?"
"I hurt my damn hand, not my head. I can't get up though. I'm fine. Leave me alone." Dean was rambling to himself. He inched away from the glass and layed down. He was so drunk that he was having trouble keeping his eyes open, but if he didn't the world would do the cha cha and he'd get nauseous.
"Dean, tell me where you are."
"No! This is my place. Leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you. I just want to drink and scream some more. I'll go home later." Dean sat up slowly and hung up while Cas was talking. He looked down at his hand. There was a decent cut on the meaty part of his thumb. It wasn't too bad, and the bleeding had slowed. It'll be ok. Dean thought to himself. He started thinking about Cas. He felt bad for hanging up on him, but he was angry. Didn't he understand that?
Why couldn't people just let him be angry. He wanted pie. He brought his hand up to wipe his face, but it was a bit too fast and he ended up slapping himself on the forehead. Dean didn't think he'd ever been this drunk. He couldn't really feel anything anymore. Hell, he didn't even feel angry. Now he really felt bad for hanging up on Cas. He loved him. Dean couldn't play himself anymore. But he didn't feel the love at the moment. It was just a swimming thought that happened to cross his frontal lobe the most often.
The phone rang again.
"Dean, listen to me."
"I didn't even say hello, Cas. You know.. for an angel.. you're ruuude. Casttel." Dean slurred his name so badly Castiel laughed a little.
"I'm not an angel Dean. Now please tell me where you are." Cas' voice was deep and it was straining, as if he wanted to yell at him.
"You're my angel..." Dean made a disgusted sound, "Ugh, that sounded so gay. I don't care though. Which is weird. I'm the butch one. I should care." Dean was slowing rocking so he could try to get up. He stood up and very carefully walked to the car.
"Dean." Cas snapped, he had reached his tolerance level, "Where are you?"
"You gonna come N' get me?" He flattened himself on the hood. He loved this car.
"I would like to. Yes." Dean could picture Cas' angry face. He laughed becuase he thought it was cute.
"Are you gonna beat me up?"
"No... Dean, just tell me where you are."
"Aww. But I wanna fight. Let's fight."
"For Shit's sake DEAN! Where ARE you!" Cas lost all patience.
"I'm at my feeeild. The one with the tree. It's beside Bobby's..." Dean stopped and stood up. He'd forgotten why he had come here. Bobby. He was so drunk he forgot that shit had hit the fan, "Cas. Call Sam. He knows. He can tell you. I need to get in my car."
"Dean, don't drive. I'm on my way to get you. Don't leave. I'll be there in ten minutes."
"I won't drive." Dean hung up and let his phone drop into the passenger seat. He felt so numb. His head was swimming. He wanted to feel angry again. He thought of Sam. He mst be with Ellen and Charlie. Jo probably went back home to tell Ash. He felt so worthless. He couldn't help Bobby. How was he gonna help Sam? He'd ran off and gotten shit faced. He'd hung up on his boyfriend. He'd ran away. What the hell was wrong with him.
Dean closed his eyes and the next thing he knew Cas was opening his door. He couldn't look at him. He felt like such a coward.
"Dean..." Cas' voice was soft.
"Yell at me." Dean felt the numbness melt away. He felt the self loathing take over.
"No, come with me."
"Don't be nice to me!" Dean got out of his car. He staggered when he tried to walk aroud Cas. Castiel gripped his arm and made him lean against the side of the car.
"Dean, please. Let's go home."
"Go home to what?! Sammy is probably pissed. He has a great reason to be. I want you to yell at me. Because that's what I deserve. I deserve to feel this way."
Cas held on to his shoulders, "Why do you think that?"
"I RAN AWAY! I left Sam with Ellen and left to go destroy my liver because I can't handle it! I should've been there with Sam the whole time! I'm his big brother!" Dean was yelling now and he coudn't stop it. He knew Cas didn't deserve that, but it didn't matter right now.
"Dean, Sam understands. He knows you needed to process it before you could help him. Sam loves you and he realizes how hard this is for you."
Dean was just staring at him. He couldn't think of anything else to say. He didn't care what happened at this point.
"Come on. Get in my car." Cas was trying to push Dean in the direction, but Dean was not cooperating.
"Cas, promise me."
"Promise you what, Dean?"
"Promise me that you won't leave me too." Dean was exposing himself in the worst way he could think of right now, but he had no control over his mouth right now.
"Dean... I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me. We can get past this. Together."
Dean finally nodded, but he didn't believe him. He felt like he was just trying to get him home. He would go though, only because he coudn't make it home by himself.
"Wait, what about my Baby?" Dean turned back to his door.
"Gabriel will drive her home." Dean looked at him in shock. One becasue he'd called her a girl. He was the first person to accept the fact that she was a real person. Second was that he didn't know Gabe was there. Dean leaned over and kissed him. He saw Cas' nose scrunch up.
"You taste awful." Dean smirked. Gabriel walked over to them and Dean glared at him.
"You hurt my Baby and I will skin you with my teeth." Dean shuffled over to him and poked him in the chest.
Gabriel laughed and moved his sucker around in his mouth, "I will take very good care of it."
"HER. Show her some respect."
He held up his hand in a conceding gesture, "Sorry, her. I will take good care of her." Dean nodded and handed him the keys out of his pocket. Cas took his hand and lead him slowly over to his car. He popped the door open and helped him sit down. Dean looked up at Cas with the most adoring look.
"Thank you." Cas leaned down and took his face into his hands.
"Dean, you're the only person I'd do this for. I'm going to take you home, you're going to get a cold shower and a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Then you're going to bed. I will take you to Sam when you wake up."
"Can I use you as the pillow this time?" Dean didn't know why he asked, but it was important to him.
"Yes, Dean. I will be your pillow, but you've got to get that smell off you first." Dean looked down and sighed. He caught a glimpse of his hand.
"Oh, I cut my hand." He put his hand close to Cas' face.
"We will look at that when we get home. Cas shut the door, got in on the other side, and drove to his appartment. He didn't have to look at Dean to know he was crying, because he heard him sniffle every three minutes.
Cas didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was going to do to help, but he was determined. Dean didn't give up on him when he was lost, so Cas was not going to give up on him. He pulled into his spot and texted Sam that he had Dean and he would bring him home tomorrow. Sam thanked him and told him to take his time. He knew how Dean reacted when John died.
Cas didn't know who John was, but he wasn't going to press now. He got out and helped Dean on his couch. He shut the door and looked at th painting on his wall. The angel in the middle looked trapped. Maybe that's what Dean was feeling like. It's what Cas had felt like.
Cas began the task of getting Dean ready for bed. While he showered he made sure he listened so if Dean fell he'd know. When the shower turned off, he rushed to the bathroom. Dean was covered in goosebumps, but he seemed stable enough to dry himself off. Cas kissed his forehead before he left to make his sandwich. Dean was dressed in his sweats when he sat at his table. He had a blanket wrapped around him. He looked helpless. It was heartbreaking.
Cas watched in silence as he ate and cleaned up after he was done. Dean went to the bed and rolled onto his side with the blanket around his shoulders pulled tight. Dean fell asleep before Cas came to the bed. He layed beside him, just in case he woke up. All of a sudden Dean rolled over and wrapped his arms around him and squeezed tightly. Cas ran his hands through his soft, damp hair. That's how they both fell asleep.