A/N: it's been too long hasn't it :-(...
i told myself that i WILL update sooner than later but. Here I Am and i failed myself rip! but you know i'm glad i actually have time to type this out because i've been REALLY hyped for this fic since it's actually one of my favorites to write. i'm so sorry for not updating this sooner than i wanted to :( my excuse, is yet again school, but i'm not lying at All cause school is seriously fucking me up so hard right now
also.. slight warning: if car crashes trigger you then i advise you not to read. this chapter is quite sad, i guess you can say.
summary: Dan Howell had just started college, and he's roommates with someone named Phil Lester, who at first ignores him. They soon realize that they like the same things, listen to the same music, and they even have matching fringes. They're also basically polar opposites, but that's what makes them attracted to each other, even if they don't know it themselves yet. Phan College AU.
enjoy!
IX.
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christmas day
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.
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When Dan opens his eyes on Christmas morning, the first thing he sees are a pair of hazel eyes staring right back at him.
"Wha—?" The brown haired boy mumbles, slightly confused—he's very sure that he has a roommate with a pair of blue-green-yellow eyes, last time he's checked. His mind, still a bit fuzzy with sleep, took a while to register that the owner of the hazel eyes was indeed Chris Kendall, who at the moment was now shaking Dan's shoulders very violently while screaming in his ear: "WAKE UP SLEEPYHEAD! IT'S CHRISTMAS!"
Dan grumbles as he pushes Chris off his mattress, making the other teen land on the room floor with a soft thud. "Go away." He mutters, as he puts his pillow over his ears and turns around on his bed. Dan rummages around for his phone, pulling it out and squinting at the screen. The numbers read 5:32 AM. "It's five in the fucking morning." Chris' head pops up at the side of Dan's bed and he grins. "I know. But don't you want to open your presents?"
PJ's voice then speaks up from the other side of the room. "You know you want to!"
"What presents are you talking about? Guys, April Fool's Day was a long time ago. Not funny."
"I'm not joking, you idiot! I got you something. And PJ did too okay!"
This makes Dan's eyes open wide. He sat upright, and blinks—not caring about his bedhead or his previous tiredness. He never got gifts from any of his friends back in high school or elementary. "You did? Oh gosh, you really didn't have to—" He stammers, as he looks at the other bed, where Phil was lying. The black haired teen was already sat up, rubbing his eyes before pushing his glasses on. Phil's eyes look tired, but amused at the same time. He glances at Dan before training his gaze on the two teens who were grinning back at them.
"Of course I had to, stupid." Chris rolls his eyes. "You're my friend. I wanted to get you something. I got Phil and PJ stuff too. I get them stuff every year we've been friends, like a mini celebration to celebrate our friendship. It's nice, you know? It's like a friendaversary. I like it." He smiles at that, but PJ and Phil both scoff.
Phil smirks. "He only gives us gifts on Christmas because he forgot the actual day of our friendaversary."
"Shut up! That's irrelevant."
"We're still grateful though." PJ says in with a large smile. "Don't stop wasting your money on us, Chris."
"Enough with this crap, just open your goddamn gifts already." Chris says, and both Dan and Phil climb out of bed and join their other two friends who were sitting on the carpet. A small pile of gifts were in the middle of the four. Dan hadn't forgotten to go get his friends things, but was worried that the gifts he got them wasn't even good enough. He wrapped his presents neatly though, unlike Phil, who's wrapped gifts were a disaster to look at. There were flaps sticking out, and the tape wasn't sticky enough to even hold the ends down.
Dan laughs at the sight of it. "What even is that?" He says, pointing to the wrapping paper.
"Decoration." Phil says, clearly oblivious. "It looks great, right?"
The other three teenagers exchanged glances and shrug.
"Alright guys: one, two, three!" PJ smiles—and the four of them start to open their gifts. Dan turns to his pile, finding himself smiling at the presents. He looks through the three gifts and chooses Chris' to open first, Phil's would be the best for last. The brown haired teen scoffs when he reads the gift tag: To Dan, who's relationship I predicted from the start. From Chris, your favorite friend. He takes apart the wrapping paper and smiling slightly when he's met with another box, and when he opened it there was a smaller box inside it.
He opens the larger box first, and realizes it's a gray long sleeve with the word "tumblr" scrawled on it. He breaks into a smile, and glances at Chris who was raising his eyebrows at him. "Thought you'd like it, you're always on that website." Dan grins and folds the gray long sleeve, before taking a peek into the small box—and recoiling at once. There were condoms inside, along with a small note and a small bottle of lube. Did Chris really just...
Dan stared at the inside of the box, horrified. He was so lucky that Phil and PJ were engrossed in their own presents to notice. Chris Kendall, on the other hand, was smiling at Dan so widely and giddily that the latter wanted to dig himself a hole and bury himself in it. He shut his eyes tightly, inhaled and exhaled, and then read it silently to himself.
Dan,
I think you'd be in great need of these one day. Enjoy! :)
Love, Chris xx
Turning a deep shade of red at once, the brown haired male shut the small box tightly and shoved it under his new sweater, moving on to PJ's present (surely it'd be more innocent than Chris'). It looked like a rectangle, the size of a picture frame. Curious, Dan opened it, and he was right. The small picture frame held a picture (duh) of the four teenagers, in what seemed to be taken during mid-laugh. Dan remembered this; they'd all gone out together once and were fooling around with the new camera PJ had gotten from his parents. They'd took a lot of pictures that day, but Dan never saw any of them until now.
The gift tag read: For Dan. Hopefully this year would be a nice one to remember. From, PJ.
The four of them seemed to be laughing at a joke, all of their smiles were present. Dan smiles to himself as he glances at each of their faces—all of them look completely at peace, all their worries gone. Phil's face was absolutely beautiful. The corners of his mouth were curved upwards into a huge grin, and his eyes were almost closed because of how hard he was laughing. This picture was truly wonderful.
Phil and Chris also seemed to get a different picture from PJ as well, for they're both holding similar picture frames in their hands. PJ's smiling warmly at all of them, as he looks over Chris' shoulder to observe it more. There's also another gift in there, and when Dan takes it out he realizes it's a Slytherin scarf—PJ knew how much he liked the Harry Potter series. Chris had a Gryffindor scarf, and Phil had a Hufflepuff scarf, PJ was already putting his Ravenclaw scarf on.
"This is so cool." Dan says, in awe. "Thanks, PJ."
"Anytime, man."
Chris then spoke up, holding up the gray beanie and matching gloves Dan had gotten him. "Thanks Dan. I needed a new beanie for a while now." He grins as he pulls on the hat, looking at himself through his iPhone camera. "Not bad. Not bad at all."
And now, last but not least—Phil's present. It was hastily wrapped, and Dan shook his head at the sight of it. There were two things as well, one small thing and one big thing. Dan chose to open the larger object first. As he opened it, he smiled to himself. Inside the box seemed to be more things, a big bag of Maltesers, a portable charger, a jumper with a small little sad face was printed on the left side of the chest. There was also a small book in it, and when Dan flipped through it he saw Phil's handwriting, there were drawings on each page. He read the gift tag, which said: To Dan, the first person who meant that they loved me. Love, Phil.
His heart skipped a beat. This was probably the best gift he'd ever gotten in his entire life. Then he went to the small box, opening it curiously. And inside it was a small drawing. A drawing of two figures with their foreheads touching, their mouths formed into small smiles. It was a drawing of the two of them. Phil's signature was located on the corner of the page, and Dan couldn't stop smiling. It was truly beautiful.
Phil was opening Dan's gift to him, which were a pair of mismatched socks. A new button-up shirt had come with it, along with packets of the coffee Phil loved. Dan had drew something for him too, but his art was so shit compared to Phil's—it was a messy doodle of a sunflower. Phil had always liked to look at the flowers when they'd walked around sometimes, especially sunflowers. There wasn't exactly any reason, but Phil kind of reminded him of a beautiful flower.
They looked up at each other at the same time, unable to form anything into words.
Everyone soon ended up admiring their gifts that each of them got from each other, and Chris and PJ told them that they'd probably join Dan and Phil later to get lunch. They both informed the two that they'd be seeing their families later during the nighttime. Dan was planning on dropping by to visit his parents himself, but Phil didn't really say anything much about what he'd be doing—he was focusing on something else while they were talking about it.
As soon as the door closed (and locked), Phil tackles Dan into a hug when he was trying to pick up some loose wrapping paper.
"Ah—whoa!" Dan yelps, grinning as Phil tackles him to the ground. A laugh erupts from Dan's lips, as he wraps his arms around Phil's neck. The older boy is on top of him—and he's smiling—which improves Dan's mood immediately. He was just so beautiful. The features on the other boy's face soften as he stares down into Dan's eyes, smiling gently at him. Dan loves it when he sees this side of Phil. He's just so gentle sometimes, behind that rough exterior. His blue eyes twinkle as he lowers his face down inches from Dan's own, his lips hovering slightly over the other boy's.
Dan smiles softly. "Thank you."
"No, thank you." Phil mutters, bringing his mouth close to Dan's ear. "I really appreciated the sunflower."
Dan groans, shaking his head. "That was complete shit, though."
"Yeah, right. I liked it. Very original."
"Funny."
"You know what's funny, Dan?" Phil whispers, staring into the other teen's eyes. They're almost hypnotizing—Dan can't focus on anything else besides the person on top of him. He gulps, unable to say anything in response as he's lost in Phil's world. The teen above him smirks, pushing some of his black fringe away, bringing his face even closer to Dan's—and as Dan starts to imagine the feel of Phil's lips on his own—he's more than slightly surprised when he gets a light peck on the cheek instead.
As Phil climbs off of him, a bigger smirk on his face—Dan presses his hand to the space where Phil had kissed it. "Now, that's funny."
"What is?" Dan grumbles slightly, feeling the slightest bit frustrated.
The black haired teen chuckles. "Your expression. It's priceless."
"Philip Lester, I swear—" Dan starts, but he's interrupted when Phil bends down to finally kiss Dan straight on the lips. He sighs lightly against Phil's touch, but as he moves forward to deepen the kiss, Phil places a finger on Dan's mouth, shaking his head lightly. There's a small smile on the other's lips, and Dan sighs exasperatedly when the kiss ends so quickly. "Stop teasing me." he whines, while Phil laughs lightly.
He stands up from the carpet, dusting himself off. "You want more? Naughty, aren't you?"
"Shut up." Dan mumbles, his face turning red once more.
"I'll give you some more." Phil smirks, his voice slightly deep, causing Dan's face to turn a much deeper shade of red. "But not now. Later. I've got something I need to tell you today, but I'm not going to tell you till later as well." Dan raises an eyebrow—he's been curious to find out whatever it was that Phil wanted to reveal to him. He remembered the previous things Chris and PJ were telling him before—whatever it was, it was the thing that caused him to cease being as happy as he was before.
The brown haired teen blinks at him. "I really hope it's not anything bad."
Phil didn't reply, he just smiled sadly at him.
Soon, the four of them go out to lunch as planned—all decked out in their matching scarves and things they got each other.
Dan and Phil both had gotten some more rest after opening their presents, they woke up again around 10 and 11 AM, before getting ready to go out and get some food to eat along with Chris and PJ, who had shown up at their door grinning and ready to leave. Both teens were wearing thick coats, for it had been previously snowing outside.
The whole of London seemed like it was buried in white because of the snow, but Dan was grateful that it wasn't anything bad. It still looked beautiful, there were Christmas lights and decorations everywhere and lots of people were moving around like usual. He lived back in Manchester along with his family, but he liked London a lot. It was a really nice place, although some people were rude or plain out weird he still find it at least similar to home.
Phil told him once that he lived here. When he had graduated secondary school, he ended up here at the college they were all attending now. It only made sense. He never mentioned anything about if he lived with his family or not, but Dan felt like he shouldn't be asking him those questions. Phil's expression had hardened a little after he'd spoke, and he was quiet for a while.
"Is anything even open on Christmas?" PJ wonders, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
Chris shrugs, his teeth chattering slightly. "I dunno. There should at least be someplace we could eat."
As if on cue, the four of them ended up walking in front of a nice looking restaurant with a large sign which read: OPEN ON ALL HOLIDAYS! "Oh, nice!" Chris says, sounding pleased. "Let's eat here guys, I'm freezing." With that, he opened the door and walked inside, the three teenagers following behind him—each looking around curiously. A lady at the front asked them, "How many?" to which Phil held up the number four on his fingers.
They got seated in a booth, and as they took off their heavy coats they chatted until a waiter came to serve them.
Once getting their orders (and drinks) they began talking once more.
Their food soon came, which was surprisingly very delicious—and the teens continued talking and talking. Dan smiles at his friends as he stirs his hot chocolate, and as he chooses to look around the restaurant, he makes eye contact with someone he really was not expecting to. Sarah. Her cold gray eyes seemed to pierce him and look inside his soul—her mouth was pursed and she looked a bit ticked off. She was sitting with someone, a male, whose back was facing Dan.
Sarah didn't break her eye contact with Dan until a waitress had appeared at her and that man's table, smiling politely once she had addressed the waitress. After she had left, Sarah had turned to whoever she was sitting with and seemed to be in deep conversation with the other. She was batting her eyelashes, playing with her hair—showing all signs of flirting towards that guy. Perhaps he was her boyfriend. Dan felt sorry for him at once.
What was she even doing here at this time? During Christmas...
He pulls his attention back at his table.
"—and I said, 'I'm sorry, but I don't really roll that way.' Funny, right?" Chris laughs heartily, taking a swig of his warm apple cider. "Now I have a boyfriend. How ironic. Weird, right Dan? I had previously turned down this one guy in secondary school who'd asked me out to the school dance, but at the time I was with my girlfriend and was straight as fuck. I guess I'm gay as fuck now. I wonder what that guy's up to."
When Dan doesn't react, Phil places his hand gently on top of his.
The instant warmth spreads out through his fingertips, and the brown haired teen immediately feels himself relaxing. "It's okay." Phil mutters. "I saw her too." Unfortunately, Chris and PJ both heard, but they immediately knew what the two were talking about. Chris' previous laughter had died out, and was replaced with a more alarmed look. PJ's fists were clenched. Dan had never seen the two look this serious in his life before.
"It's her, isn't it?" Chris whispers, as he eats a mouthful of pasta. "Sarah?"
PJ stabs his salad with his fork quite violently. "What the fuck is she doing here?"
"I don't know, but whatever the reason, it's not good." Dan shakes his head in exasperation, eyeing his sandwich.
Phil sighs, and places his spoon down calmly—but his expression seems like it's far from being calm. "Don't worry about it too much. I know Sarah and I have been through some rough waters, but the reason that she's here now shouldn't be any of our businesses. I know she's a bitch, and she's been horrible, but I mean ..." he cuts himself off, taking the time to play around with his food. "... Honestly, I'm worried too. But if we give her more attention, we're doing exactly as she wants us to do. Please. Let's just continue eating lunch and pretend that she isn't here. Okay?"
With that, he takes a mouthful of clam chowder and eats it. "What were you saying about that guy, Chris?"
Startled, Chris jolts back to reality. "Oh! Right, well, he said—"
Dan zones out again, but he takes the half of his sandwich he was eating and bites into it, chewing slowly. Phil had admitted that he was worried to see why Sarah was here, but he simply had brushed it away once it had been discussed. Dan couldn't help but worry a bit, though—even though he'd told Phil that Dan and Phil sounded better than Sarah and Phil, he couldn't help but think about their past relationship according to what Chris and PJ had said about it.
When Sarah and her companion had finally left the restaurant, Dan felt like a heavy weight was being lifted off his shoulders.
He couldn't help but be cautious.
Phil was his, after all.
Nighttime soon came.
Chris and PJ left around seven thirty to take separate trains back home so they could drop by their parent's house and say hello. They were probably going to be there up until New Year's, unless they text them saying they'd spend it here. Dan and Phil had accompanied them at the train station and had bid both a goodbye as soon as they left. PJ jokingly remarked that it felt like leaving for Hogwarts, considering that the four teenagers were still wearing their Harry Potter themed scarves. Chris had pulled Dan aside before he'd left.
"Right, well—" Chris smiles. "Be careful tonight."
Dan nods slightly. "I know. I'm still waiting to hear whatever Phil'll tell me."
"Wait, what?" Chris says, clearly bewildered. "No! I mean... Later. When you guys... You know."
"What? That's ridiculous—"
"—I gotta go now, Dan! Gotta catch the train, you know!" Chris then sang, giving Dan a quick hug before finally jogging off. "Have fun, Dan! Be sure to tell me all about it once we get back!" He grins as he pulls his small luggage with him to the train, as he soon gets in and speeds out of sight. What the actual... Chris. They weren't going to do that once they get back home.
Pretty soon, both Dan and Phil were the two left behind.
"Well, now that that's over," Phil then says, turning to Dan. His blue eyes were unreadable. "I'm going to take you somewhere, alright?" Dan blinks, feeling his heartbeat slow down. Fuck. He wanted to know what happened for such a long time now, but now that Phil's finally going to tell him Dan has a feeling that he doesn't want to know anymore. He's so nervous that he can't really breathe well.
He must've hesitated, for Phil had turned back in confusion possibly wondering why Dan wasn't following along.
"Hey." Phil said, pulling on Dan's sleeve lightly. "It's okay. Don't worry."
Dan took a deep breath as he followed his boyfriend out the station.
He didn't know where they were going.
It was getting dark, and there were a few drunk people that were singling carols throughout the streets of London that brightened up Dan's mood a little bit. People were still hardcore partying even though it was getting late, but what did he expect? It was Christmas after all. Earlier he, Phil, Chris, and PJ had a mini party in Chris and PJ's room where they had put on Christmas attire and sang to Christmas songs while drinking cider. They were legal to drink, but Dan didn't want to forget anything that happened today since it's been a blast so far.
He had presents for his parents back at home for when he was going to visit, chocolates for the two of them and packets of hot chocolate.
Dan was lost in thought as he followed Phil to wherever they were going, but halted as Phil's steps soon faltered. Looking up, Dan blinks twice before realizing that they're in a graveyard. A bit of fear washes over him as he finds out this information, and he tugs on the other teen's sleeve quietly. As Phil turns around, Dan notices that his eyes look kinda watery. Maybe it was a trick of the light though... Phil wraps his arm with his as they continue on inside the graveyard.
It's spooky, honestly. Dan doesn't like being at creepy places at night. It's just... Unsettling.
He jumps when he hears the sound of an owl hooting, and tells himself to calm down. If Phil's with me, I'm safe. He repeats in his mind determinedly. Nevertheless, he clings onto Phil's arm as he continued walking. Dan had an uneasy suspicion that came up in his mind as they kept on walking, but he didn't want to assume things right away. He just watches Phil as the older teen ventures through the tombstones, before finally stopping.
There's snow covering the tombstone they've stopped at, so Dan can't make out any names.
The suspicion of why they were here keeps popping up in Dan's mind, but he doesn't want to believe it. He needs to hear what Phil has to say before anything else, and that's all that matters. The brown haired teen bites his lip as Phil sighs deeply, exhaling so that Dan could see his breath in the cold air. He doesn't meet Dan's gaze as he begins talking. "I guess I owe you an explanation."
Dan doesn't say anything, choosing to stare at his hands.
"Where do I begin?" Phil says, tilting his head upwards to look at the night sky. He closes his eyes for a few moments, and then exhales softly. "I'm assuming Chris and PJ told you this already, but I was a completely different person back then than I am now." He shakes his head. "It's weird remembering it. My friends at the time usually had called me happy-go-lucky. I was told that I had smiled too much, that I was too forgiving and too nice to people. I was told 'Phil, if you keep that up, people are going to learn to take advantage of you.' I was constantly told these things, but I was too happy to care. I smiled at everyone, I loved everything. I never fucking cussed. I had a happy family. All of that good stuff."
Hearing this from Phil's point of view was quite interesting. Even though Dan kind of knew all of this already, he still couldn't quite believe it. When Dan had first met Phil, he was rude, mean, and unwelcoming. He basically ignored Dan for a long time until he invited him to eat dinner. Mostly other people saw that side of Phil, but now that he's much much closer with the other teen, he's not as bad on the inside. He could see a little bit of his old personality in him.
"Anyway." Phil continues, coughing slightly. "That all changed very recently."
Dan felt himself panicking. He was almost afraid to know what Phil was going to say next.
"It happened on Christmas of last year." He mutters quietly. "I was at home, visiting my parents for the holidays. My mom was home at the time, my dad was coming home from work because the stupid people at his workplace had a last minute issue he couldn't miss. My happy self was a little mad at the time. I didn't like how my dad still had to work during Christmas, it was ridiculous. He and a couple other of his officemates had carpooled there. My dad had called a little earlier before to say that he was heading back now and he loved us and stuff. A few minutes afterwards, I got a call... From the police."
The brown haired teen could only listen, alarmed.
"They—I was told, that my father had... he'd been in a car crash." He pauses for a while, his voice hard. He takes a shaky breath before continuing. "It was a drunk driver. That fucking idiot rammed into the same car my father and his coworkers were in." Phil stops speaking, and bows his head. "I couldn't believe it. I thought this was all a dream. I was smiling before, but at that moment it had disappeared. I was speechless. After the officer had hung up, I broke down. I was done, I couldn't handle it. I was really close to my father. He was a good man, and I loved him. I loved him so much."
Phil's voice started to break. "After my mother learned about the news, she fainted and hit her head on the floor. She wasn't breathing, and I panicked. I sucked ass at CPR, but I tried desperately because she wasn't breathing at all. I called the ambulance, who came almost immediately. They put my mother on a stretcher and I was crying the whole time. Seriously. I couldn't fucking see because my tears kept on pouring. First my dad dies, and then my mother faints and is now not breathing. Needless to say, it was the worst Christmas of my life."
Dan didn't know what to say. His mouth was open, and there were tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Going through all of that must've felt so horrible. He put his hands over his mouth as Phil continued, his voice extremely shaky now.
"I went to the hospital with her. It turns out that... She was sick. It wasn't that bad before, I did notice that she was taking medication daily but did not know the reason why. I guess the shock of my father dying triggered it. She was going to be okay, which I was grateful for. But I was upset that I didn't ask what was wrong. She was sick, and I had no idea. I should've done something to help her. I should've..."
Phil started to cry then. The tears fell down from the corner of his eyes to the bottom of his cheeks. He clenches his fists, but kept on shaking. The tears kept pouring, and pretty soon Dan began to cry too. He cried for Phil, and all the suffering that he went to. He felt so sorry that he had to go through that—he didn't deserve any of that at all. Phil sniffled as he wipes his eyes, breathing slowly.
"She's fine now, but she's bedridden. I don't know when she'll leave, along with my dad. I don't want her to leave because she's the only family I've got. My grandparents are still here, but they live far. We cried so much the past few weeks. And even after I stopped crying, there was a giant hole in my heart. I was horrible. My grades had begun to drop slowly, but surely. The school knew, but they still graded me harshly. I-I, I began to lose friends because I constantly lashed out at them. My girlfriend broke up with me. So much shit happened, and that's why I realized—no one's ever going to treat me the way I treat them. So I'll give them the opposite of what I have been. Chris and PJ were the only people, the only ones who stuck with me during all of this crap. They defended me, always. I'm really grateful for them."
Dan couldn't stop crying. He sniffled as Phil kept going on.
"The worst thing was my Christmas present." Phil sighs. "I've always wanted a car. Always. I told my parents that I wanted one. And when I came home after spending time with my mom, I found car keys in a small box located on my desk. There was a handwritten note that had come along with it. I didn't want to read it. I didn't want to reopen old wounds, but I did anyway. I couldn't even get through the first goddamn sentence, because it had opened with my father saying how much he loved and trusted me. I cried that whole day. I spent the whole day crying again. It was like a never ending cycle. Cry. Sleep. Wake up. Cry again."
"I was beyond feeling bitter. It was so unfair that everything bad happened on Christmas of last year. I've been trying so hard to cope with it, to move on. I somehow managed to calm myself during the beginning of this year, and kept this personality." The black haired teen mutters, finally turning to Dan. He looks at him sadly, tears are still in his eyes. "I don't know how I did it."
"Oh, Phil..." Dan says sadly, shaking his head. He opens his arms up for a hug, and Phil willingly falls into it. He rubs Phil's back slowly, letting the taller boy cry on his shoulder. Phil didn't deserve this at all. He didn't. He was such a sweet person, a wonderful person—something cruel like this happens and his personality takes a dark turn. Why does everything bad happen to all of the good people? "Phil, I'm so sorry..."
Phil's voice is muffled slightly when he whispers an "It's okay." in Dan's ear. The two teenagers stay there for a while, Dan patting Phil's back gently and drawing circles on his back with his fingertips so he cold relax. Dan's left shoulder is wet with Phil's tears, but it's okay. Now that he's revealed what really happened, Dan feels drawn even more to him. He doesn't understand why his friends at the time left him at all. Phil's such a wonderful person, and definitely deserved the best.
After a while, Phil raises his head from Dan's shoulder and gives him a small smile, even though there are still tears in his eyes.
"Hey, don't cry." He mutters softly, wiping a tear from Dan's eye. "You'll make me even more upset."
"How can I not cry? This is so unfair. All of it. It's not fair how your dad died on Christmas day. It's not fair how your mom was declared sick the same day. It's not fair, it's not fair how this all happened to Phil Lester of all people!" Dan cries, shaking his head. "It's not fair... You were such a good person. You wanted the best for everyone, and all you get in return is this? I don't understand..."
"Dan, it's alright. It was a year ago. It hurts when I still think about it, but it happened. I can't turn back time, no matter how much I want my dad to be alive and for my mom to be well again." Phil sighs. "We all just have to move on from these things, I feel like I'm used to it now."
Dan wipes his tears. "Phil... All I want for you is to be happy."
Snow had started to fall again, and it was beginning to land on the two teens' heads as well as land on the ground around them. "I am happy." Phil then said, speaking up and walking closer to Dan. His eyes looked puffy and there were tear tracks on his cheeks, but his gaze was serious. "Dan, ever since I've met you—I've been beginning to find a reason on why I should be happy again. When I first met you, I thought you were just another regular annoying person, no offense. But you weren't just annoying, you were determined. So I eventually gave in, and gave you a chance. And honestly, I'm really glad I gave you that chance."
"You give me a reason to keep being happy, Dan, and I'm extremely grateful for that. Indirectly, you've managed to make me get over this faster than I thought it would take me. I still miss my dad, the sadness comes but I know that I can keep being happy. Same with my mom. I still visit her time to time, and if she's happy, I'm happy. Thank you for ignoring my rude personality, and becoming the person you are to me today. My parents... I think they'd love you, you know." With that, Phil broke into a genuine smile—the corners of his eyes crinkled, and his mouth curved upward largely.
The other boy broke into a similar smile, his brown eyes twinkling. "Phil—that makes me so happy. You don't even know how happy I am right now."
They stand in silence for a bit, and then Phil places a hand on his father's tombstone.
He looks back at Dan, turning to him. "I love you so much, you know? I'm so thankful for your existence. You've helped me so much... And I can't believe I'm only telling you this now, Dan Howell. I've waited too long for this, but it's worth it I think. Why wasn't I able to meet you sooner? I wish I did."
"I love you too, Phil Lester." Dan smiles, wrapping his arms around his neck. "And same goes to you."
Dan's never kissed anyone inside a graveyard before—but this one, it was probably the best one he's had with Phil yet, and that's saying something. But this scene, strangely enough, was oddly romantic. Who knew that making out with someone in a graveyard would turn out to be the best time of Dan's life? You know, he's done plenty of weird stuff in the past—but this was new. It was quite something to tell Chris and PJ.
They walked out of the graveyard hand in hand.
"So, what do you think we should do now?" Phil asks. "It's almost eleven."
"I think," Dan muses, looking up at the other boy. "we should go pay my parents a visit."
A/N: i'M DONE WOOHOOO writing this chapter was a blast ! i really like this one :O
i'm so so s oso sorry if i made this really sad or anything but ... yeah this is phil's backstory :( at least dan makes him really happy though, he was able to cope with the loss of his father by replacing it with happiness.
i love u guys! i hope i can update definitely sooner than later :)
-choco xx