Hi everyone!
Extra long chapter today because I suck at updating
(as I mention in nearly every chapter)
Sad chapter though :(

chapter six: i have to block out thoughts of you (so i don't lose my head)

In the past week, I'd rarely left my quarters. As pale as my normal complexion was, I noticed my skin getting lighter and lighter with each passing day. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I skipped all my classes, drank all my liquor, and laid in my bed motionless. All I could do…was read.

Draco,
The moon told me you weren't feeling well these past few days. I do hope you feel better.
Luna

I got letters from her often. After my stay at her dormitory, we hadn't seen each other in weeks. Mainly out of my own shame but I was also too unfit to venture outside my common room. I could not write her for I could not think of anything to say and obviously I couldn't have any of my Slytherin comrades send a message to her. I couldn't tell them that the main reason I couldn't sleep was because of her.

Draco,
Harry Potter has been saying very terrible things lately. I don't believe what they say about you, you know. Please come back.
Luna
P.S. I told Harry Potter I was ill and asked him to brew me a tonic. I didn't tell him it was for you. He probably wouldn't have made it were that the case. He's been rather gifted with potions lately. I don't think it's a coincidence.

Damnit did that tonic work, though I'd never tell Potter that. Ever.

Draco,
Here is the latest issue of the Quibbler. My father wrote an article called Death Eaters and their Dreadful Dental Habits. I don't think you have bad breath, but it might save you the trouble. Hope you're feeling better.
Luna

I did read that article. It was surprisingly unrelated to hygiene.

Draco,
Have I said something bad? I told Rebecca Wilson that I loved someone and she said they must be mad. Are you angry with me?
Luna

I must've read all of them a thousand times by now. And I hadn't responded to a single solitary one.

Draco,
I love you. I thought you might like that.
Luna
P.S. If you love me, will you see me tomorrow at midnight? Near the thestrals? I know you can see them…

It was a dreary Sunday morning that I finally found myself fit and able to function out of bed. However, I was in no mental shape to face any of the demons that lurked around the castle so I made my way to the Quidditch pitch, alone, rain pouring heavily down to where I could barely make out any objects surrounding me. It was a strange and bewildering feeling to fly in the rain, the water washing away pretty much everything and a large part of me pondered the idea of disappearing into the thick clouds of mist and never turning back. The only thing that kept me from doing so was the one thing I would be leaving behind. My sunshine, my light, the only decent thing that had ever happened to me.

I could never keep her, I thought. She would never stay. Like all good things, she'd see the monster in me and leave forever. The truth would sully her impression of me and, to be quite honest, I wouldn't blame her in the slightest. In fact, I'd honestly judge her for not leaving me sooner.

For who could ever learn to love a beast?

At this point I was too deep in my thoughts before I realized how high I'd actually flown and Hogwarts castle seemed like a tiny ant hill at this point. And then it came…out of nowhere.

Tears.

I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, only they've been coming up every so often ever since the Katie Bell incident. Now, I wasn't sure if she saw me that day or heard my voice in her head directing her back to the castle. I only knew that if she mentioned me at all…I was doomed.

And I've never been so terrified in all my life.

If unsuccessful, I would be the youngest inmate to Azkaban in history…and I couldn't be that.

At the very least, rain could masque my tears and I stayed up there for a good twenty minutes, attempting to cleanse myself of guilt. People like Harry Potter never understood. Did he not think I knew the consequences of my actions? That I didn't know exactly what I was doing? What lives I was destroying?

He also thought I slept at night.

But devils don't sleep.

As I came back to the surface, there was a figure standing in the grass that shouldn't have surprised me. Expressionless, I slowed down to a halt and dismounted from my broom, facing the one person that would bring about my salvation…I was just too stubborn at the time.

"Professor," I said quietly.

He escorted me back to his quarters for a private conversation. Normally, I'd refuse but at that moment I was in such a hysterical fit that I was in no position to refuse comfort, regardless on who it ended up being. I had no answers to anything. I knew not who to trust nor which decision I was meant to make. I knew Snape could relate.

"You're not giving me much to help you with, Mr. Malfoy," he finally said after closing his office door.

"Well, I'm not meant to, am I?" I said, feigning calm. He knew the drill. He'd been a pawn of the evil lord just as much as I. None of this secrecy should shock him.

"Your Aunt has put words and thoughts in your head that are misguided, Draco. Whether or not that stubborn façade refuses to accept it or not, you need my help."

"My Aunt doesn't trust you," I told him. "That doesn't mean I agree with her."

"Then why hide your intentions? I can assist you, Draco. Why hide your plan from me?"

Finally, I could not.

"Because I don't have any, okay?!"

I sighed and covered my mouth with my hand, sitting down on the couch his office, collapsing my head into my hands.

"I don't want to do this, Severus," I whimpered, the tears finding their way back to stain my cheeks and I could see Snape putting his guard down a bit. He slowly found his way to the chair beside me.

"Draco, you must be mindful of your feelings. Surely if nothing else, your Aunt Bellatrix would have taught you that."

I stared at him, oddly.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"One of the only charming qualities about your Aunt is her ability to block out all emotion. And that trait comes with certain…perks. I'm talking about Occlumency, Draco."

"She did teach me….over the summer," I admitted. "I could feel you in my head this fall, poking around. It's what's kept you so frustrated, I expect."

Snape frowned.

"She didn't train you well enough, Draco," he said.

I paused, staring at him.

"Meaning what?"

"Just what exactly were you planning to do about Luna?"

And then it came.

My head threw forward like a terrible reflex and I found myself heaving up the poison that I'd held in for so long. I hadn't eaten in days so the acid scraped my throat as it was thrust out. I cried out in pain and agony and then I just sat there, my head between my knees, the pathetic mess that I was.

I felt Snape silently sit in the seat beside me as I pondered what it was exactly that I was supposed to do next.

"How long have you known?" I asked.

"I've always known, Draco," he said.

All I could do was laugh. Laugh in a pathetic 'it's over' sort of way.

"Tell me I haven't killed her already, Professor," I begged. He said nothing. "I knew I shouldn't have…I wasn't thinking, I just…"

More vomit. I'd never felt so humiliated and beaten down. I didn't have the answers. I never did.

"You ever think you're not who you thought you were? Do you know how bloody confusing that is?!"

"Draco-"

"No!" I screamed, my hands pulling on my hair until I felt I'd ripped my skull apart. "I can't do this, Snape! He's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill…everyone. I can't-"

At this, he firmly grabbed my shoulders giving me a more intense gaze than I'd ever seen Snape give before. I glared at him through tears and frustration. There's no way he could make this better. I knew that. He was the only one that could take it, though.

"Listen to me, Draco," he said in a scolding matter. "You can't? You must. You will find a way to complete your mission."

"At what cost?" I whispered. "He'll kill everybody anyway; I'm only prolonging the inevitable."

I shoved him off me and wiped whatever leftover vomit from my mouth on my sleeve. It was hopeless, wasn't it? Harry Potter already suspected me from day one and, as the headmasters favorite student, I would be number one on their top suspect column. They search my dormitory or follow me around even half-carelessly; they'd find what I was up to.

It's not like I worked very hard to hide it….maybe I did that on purpose.

Snape was silent for a beat.

"If that is what the Dark Lord desires," he started.

At this I scoffed.

"Don't act like you give one bloody baron about his demands. You talk like one of them, you're not; I'm no fool."

"Be mindful of your words, Mr. Malfoy…or they may be your last."

"Is that a threat?" I asked, viciously. "Do your worst. I'm dead anyway."

"And what of your parents? And Luna? I remind you, there's more at stake than just your life."

Oh, he didn't need to remind me. I've been mulling over that fact since the Dark Lord took me into his quarters and assigned me this death-or-glory mission. I won't deny to being a selfish being, susceptible to every dark and light temptation on the map. Whiskey and Luna were my vices. I suppose the Dark Lord didn't much mind the former.

I suppose I knew what had to be done, but that selfish being thought that maybe, just maybe, I could keep her. Just one beautiful thing. Would the Dark Lord mind so terribly if I lay with a raven? But in my heart, I knew what must be done.

And I should have done it long ago.

"I'm seeing her tonight…" I told him. "I'll end it."

Fog had disguised the thick of the forest as I made my way through to meet her. At that moment, I focused very little on what I was meant to say to her that night. It had been weeks, months since I had seen her warm, pale complexion and I was going into withdrawal. There was a strong temptation to go against my word to Snape and just declare my love for her to the world. Only that would doom us certainly.

I couldn't drag her down to my fate. Her destiny was much longer than mine, and if my only accomplishment in life was keeping her alive through all this, I'd die peacefully.

I'll never forget that smile upon her face the moment I appeared in the thick of the forest, near the horses that resembled my cold, black heart. Funny how she found beauty in them, really. She finds the light in darkness, somehow. Creatures that were ignored, feared, and even hated…and yet she found herself drawn to them. Misunderstood, she called them. Grotesque monsters and she found them beautiful. Like me, I couldn't help but think.

She said nothing and struggled quickly through the twigs and branches to get near to me, embracing me like a long, lost love. I drowned myself in her hold, nearly forgetting my purpose in even being here.

"I'm glad to see you," she whispered softly.

I took a deep breath. I had nearly forgotten the sound of her voice and how much strength it gave me. She would never know the extent of my love for her. Especially not after tonight. The thought of breaking her heart was more painful than a thousand arrows…but that's not half as bad as if something happened to her.

Knowing it had been my fault…and what I could've done to prevent it.

"You can't begin to know how much I wished to see you," I told her, truthfully, and motioned her to sit beside me near a fallen log. She adjusted the edges of her skirt to sit near me and I grasped her hands in mine firmly.

"I had a lot on my mind, Luna, and I just…didn't want you to see me like that."

She pursed her lips together a bit.

"I'd never think ill of you, Draco."

I only smiled pathetically, scratching the back of my head.

"I know you wouldn't," I sighed. "But I do."

At this, she said nothing and seemed to have stared off into space. Not being able to withstand it any longer, my long gracefully pulled her chin towards mine as I politely kissed her soft lips. It slowly turned into a more passionate kiss that left me feeling a bit out of breath afterwards. I could feel her cold breath slowly freeze my cheeks giving me chills down my spine.

"Is what Harry Potter says true?" she asked suddenly. Clearly, this question had been on her mind. It didn't even phase me when she asked, honestly, but while I should get used to her frequent mentions of the precious Harry Potter, it doesn't necessarily swallow easily. I suppose I'm jealous of the time he gets to spend with her. Trips to Hogsmeade, meals at the Great Hall. We weren't allowed to do any of that; more by my request than hers. I'm sure she'd introduce our love to her gang at any moment if I gave her permission. The only problem was I did not.

Yet she never objected. Not once.

"What does the famous Harry Potter say?" I finally asked.

"He called you a Death Eater, among many other things," she said, quite flakey-like.

I don't even think she 100% even knew what it was he was accusing me of. She only knew it was something bad. Something a half-decent human being would definitely not want to be. Something I 100% most definitely was.

Gradually, I reached down toward my sleeve to reveal something. Something I'd never revealed to anyone but members of the Slytherin party. I figured even if she told Harry Potter or anyone else that they wouldn't believe her. Not that I think ill of her in any way, but I'm not quite sure many of her friends take her very seriously.

She is known to say bizarre things. One of my favorite things about her.

Her fingers traced my revolting tattoo, the lines of the snake to the skull and back again. She seemed entranced in a way, a way that I've never seen anybody look at it before. Not disgust. Not admiration or fear. Almost…pity. And I'd never gotten that reaction before.

"What does it mean?" she asked, timidly.

"That I am beholden to Him."

Her fingers retracted from the snake as if it had bitten her and I re-covered the tattoo with my sleeve, refusing to acknowledge it. Her hands still lightly traced the edges of my sleeve where it had been.

I felt her eyes on me as I stared straight forward. I'd never been at all afraid of anyone's opinion of it or me until now, I expect. With many relationships, I figured this would be an end to it if anything. Perhaps it would be better off if she left me. Possibly safer than the alternative, though I didn't cherish the notion.

She said nothing, except her fingers lightly touched my arm and began to tug the sleeve away from my forearm as she began to trace the tattoo again. This time, I could feel her nails press against my skin.

The silence was killing me.

"You're not safe by me, Luna," I told her. One tear escaped my eye as I pursed my lips together until I could no longer hold it. I wept.

I wept like a child and she simply put her arm around me as I buried my face in her shoulder. Her fingers ran through my hair and her lips kissed my forehead, completely silent. I hadn't had a chance to weep with company since I was a small child. For a person to stand by my side, no wise cracks, no discipline for being weak, a person…a girl…sitting here next to me, holding me while I cried.

"Luna?" I said, desperately.

"I'm here, Draco," she said softly.

"Please stay away from me," I begged. Her hands stopped stroking my hair. "I won't be able to keep myself from you. I have no self control. But I love you, Luna, and I can't have anything happen to you. He's here, Luna, in my head. I can feel him…all the time. I can't stop, but I need to know you'll be safe. Far away from me."

She was silent for a beat. I sat up from my perched position on her shoulder and began to wipe my tears off on my sleeve like a beaten down child. Strangely, I didn't feel embarrassed. I thought I might be. Certainly, if it had been any other individual, I would've beaten them to a pulp or sullied their names directly afterwards. With her, I felt incredibly safe. Funny how I'm safe with her and yet she's in danger with me.

"If that is what you want," she finally said. I only laughed.

"It's not," I replied bluntly.

She smiled softly and grabbed her hand in mine, tracing my knuckles with her fingertips. Voldemort could never take her from me. I'd die before I let that happen.

"Okay," she said.

I frowned.

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, I'll run from you…so long as you promise to run after me once Harry Potter wins."

I couldn't help but smile. She had such faith in that boy; it truly was remarkable. Me, I guess, I'm a pessimist. I look at someone like Harry Potter and I see someone who is truly powerful and intelligent (though don't ever tell him I said that). But then I look at someone like Voldemort…and all hope is lost.

"I promise," is what I said, however. "I'll run after you."

Assuming I'm still alive.