To Forge Forever

by My Writing Is This

Just when one fight ended, another began. Having found each other, our family was whole again. I had Eric back and we were free to be together and happy. But the war was far from over. Breaking free of it all, we were still on the path of discovery, pain, and loss. Holding on to the little happiness we could find and the hope for a better future. A forever with the man I loved.

12. Information Overload

Chapter Twelve: Information Overload

Holding tight to Eric's hand, I wasn't sure what to make of him. Tris was on my other side and I watch her take the photograph out of her pocket. She leaned into me, her finger pointing out the man in the picture. He's standing next to Natalie. Tris covered her face with the tip of her finger. I can see the pain written across her face. She had been hoping for something. Something that didn't happen. Wrapping my arm around her, I gently rubbed her back.

"My name is David. As Zoe probably told you already, I am the leader of the Bureau of Genetic Welfare. I'm going to do my best to explain things." David told us. "The first thing you should know is that the information Edith Prior gave you is only partly true."

His eyes moved to Tris and I instinctively pulled her closer against me. She's shaking, though I'm not sure if it's with anticipation or anxiousness or even anger. I was feeling all three, leaning into Eric's side as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. Four shifted closer to Tris as well. Despite everything, we were a family, unconsciously shifting to protect each other from anything that was thrown at us.

"She provided only as much information as you needed to meet the goals of our experiments." David continued. "And in many cases, that meant oversimplifying, omitting, and even outright falsehood. Now that you are here, there is no need for any of those things."

"You all keep talking about 'experiments.'" Four told him. "What experiments?"

"Yes, well, I was getting to that." David looked at Amar. "Where did they start when they explained it to you?"

"Doesn't matter where you start. You can't make it easier to take." Amar replied, picking at his cuticles.

Frowning, I didn't know I was going to say anything until the words were spilling from my mouth, "You seem awfully blasé about all of this. If it was hard for you I'd think you could appreciate the struggle all of us our experiencing."

All he did was smirk at me, making me feel even more anxious and now annoyed.

David thought about his response and cleared his throat before he started to speak again, "A long time ago, the United States government—"

"The united what?" Uriah asked.

"It's a country." Amar replied. "A large one. It has specific borders and its own governing body, and we're in the middle of it right now. We can talk about it later. Go ahead, sir."

I know they want to explain but they had to know that questions were going to come up. Zoe had made it sound like we should be quiet throughout the explanation but this was all a shock to us. Though David seemed annoyed with the interruptions, pressing his thumb into his palm, massaging his hand.

He started again. "A few centuries ago, the government of this country became interested in enforcing certain desirable behaviors in its citizens. There had been studies that indicated that violent tendencies could be partially traced to a person's genes—a gene called 'the murder gene' was the first of these, but there were quite a few more, genetic predispositions toward cowardice, dishonesty, low intelligence—all the qualities, in other words, that ultimately contribute to a broken society."

Since we were young we had been taught that the factions were formed to solve a problem, the problem of our flawed natures. David said that Edith Prior had told a partial truth. But apparently those who had created these 'experiments' had believed in that problem as well. Not to mention we all knew very little about genetics. There was no need to know about them in the city. Out here is seemed like a much bigger deal. Thinking about the time and energy and science that would be needed to isolate different genes, let alone knowing what they did, it seemed almost impossible.

"Obviously there are quite a few factors that determine personality, including a person's upbringing and experiences." David continued. "But despite the peace and prosperity that had reigned in this country for nearly a century, it seemed advantageous to our ancestors to reduce the risk of these undesirable qualities showing up in our population by correcting them. In other words, by editing humanity."

I opened my mouth to say something but Eric nudged me. His brows were furrowed and I could tell that he was latching on to every word David was saying. My stomach fluttered a little with nervousness. What was he thinking?

"That's how the genetic manipulation experiment was born. It takes several generations for any kind of genetic manipulation to manifest, but people were selected from the general population in large numbers, according to their backgrounds or behavior, and they were given the option to give a gift to our future generations, a genetic alteration that would make their descendants just a little bit better."

"Better?" I whispered and looked up at Eric again.

He frowned harder and turned me closer against his side – if that were even possible – his other hand finding my arm. Looking at the others, no one looked excited or happy about what he's saying. We'd been told about the manipulating of genes as part of the faction philosophy. Even with it being elaborated on, what did it have to do with us, here, now? How did all of this make us better? And what did that mean about our families? What did Eric's parents give as a gift to make us better?

"But when the genetic manipulations began to take effect, the alterations had disastrous consequences. As it turns out, the attempt had resulted not in corrected genes, but in damaged ones." David told us. "Take away someone's fear, or low intelligence, or dishonesty…and you take away their compassion. Take away someone's aggression and you take away their motivation, or their ability to assert themselves. Take away their selfishness and you take away their sense of self-preservation. If you think about it, I'm sure you know exactly what I mean."

"The factions." I whispered and see Tris look at me, nodding.

He is. He's talking about the factions. Fear. Low intelligence. Dishonesty. Aggression. Selfishness. All of them holding on to characteristics that make them a part of that faction. All of them losing something when they accept those characteristics. Dauntless, brave but cruel; Erudite, intelligent but vain; Amity, peaceful but passive; Candor, honest but inconsiderate; Abnegation, selfless but stifling.

"Humanity has never been perfect, but the genetic alterations made it worse than it had ever been before. This manifested itself in what we call the Purity War. A civil war, waged by those with damaged genes, against the government and everyone with pure genes. The Purity War caused a level of destruction formerly unheard of on American soil, eliminating almost half of the country's population."

"The visual is up." One of the people tells him who's at a desk in the control room.

Then a map appeared on the screen above David's head. The shape of it isn't familiar, making it hard to know what it's supposed to represent, but I'm assuming it's the country. It's covered with patches of pink, red, and dark-crimson lights.

"This is our country before the Purity War." David states. "And this is after—"

The lights start to fade and the patches start to shrink. "I don't understand." I whispered to Eric.

"They're people." He whispered back.

Looking back at the screen, they kept disappearing. So many had been lost.

Then David continued, "When the war was finally over, the people demanded a permanent solution to the genetic problem. And that is why the Bureau of Genetic Welfare was formed. Armed with all the scientific knowledge at our government's disposal, our predecessors designed experiments to restore humanity to its genetically pure state.

"They called for genetically damaged individuals to come forward so that the Bureau could alter their genes. The Bureau then placed them in secure environments to settle in for the long haul, equipped with basic versions of the serums to help them control their society. They would wait for the passage of time—for the generations to pass, for each one to produce more genetically healed humans. Or, as you currently know them…the Divergent."

My breath caught and I felt Eric's eyes on me. Ever since I'd found out what I was, I wanted to know what it meant. But as time went on, I started to not care anymore. I was me and that's all that I really cared about. Only now they're telling me that I'm some sort of genetically healed human. It's almost too simple. Three words to tell me exactly what being Divergent meant. It didn't change anything. It didn't make me any happier or sadder about my Divergence. It was just…who I was.

"Hear that? You're pure." Eric smiled.

Frowning, I shook my head at him, "It doesn't matter." He pressed a kiss against my forehead, both of us looking at David as he went on.

"Your city is one of those experiments for genetic healing, and by far the most successful one, because of the behavioral modification portion. The factions, that is." David smiled at us.

He's clearly proud of what they'd accomplished with us. But I just feel sick. Our whole world was a lie. They created us, they shaped our world, they told us what to believe. We were raised with certain ideas and ways of doing things. I believed the things I was told. Now we're being told that it was all decided for us from the moment the factions were created. Does that make it still true?

"The factions were our predecessors' attempt to incorporate a 'nurture' element to the experiment—they discovered that mere genetic correction was not enough to change the way people behaved. A new social order, combined with the genetic modification, was determined to be the most complete solution to the behavioral problems that the genetic damage had created." His smile faded and he looks at all of us. It's like he's waiting for a reaction or a response that never comes. "The factions were later introduced to most of our other experiments, three of which are currently active. We have gone to great lengths to protect you, observe you, and learn from you."

Cara finally speaks, running her hands across her hair as if to prepare for the words to come out, her Erudite nature kicking in. Something she was taught. "So when Edith Prior said we were supposed to determine the cause of Divergence and come out and help you, that was…"

"'Divergent' is the name we decided to give to those who have reached the desired level of genetic healing." David explained. "We wanted to make sure that the leaders of your city valued them. We didn't expect the leader of Erudite to start hunting them down—or for the Abnegation to even tell her what they were—and contrary to what Edith Prior said, we never really intended for you to send a Divergent army out to us. We don't, after all, truly need your help. We just need your healed genes to remain intact and to be passed on to future generations."

"So what the hell are we doing here?" I shot at him. "We came all this way under the impression that you needed us and now you're telling us that you don't?"

He gently lifted his shoulders, about to reply when Caleb interjected, his voice shaky. For being Erudite he seems to be taking all this worse than the rest of us. "So what you're saying is that if we're not Divergent, we're damaged."

"Genetically damaged, yes." David confirmed.

I feel Eric tense and I swiftly grip him tighter, looking up at him, "You are not damaged." He nodded but I can tell his mind is moving a mile a minute.

"However, we were surprised to discover that the behavioral modification component of our city's experiment was quite effective—up until recently, it actually helped quite a bit with the behavioral problems that made the genetic manipulation so problematic to begin with. So generally, you would not be able to tell whether a person's genes were damaged or healed from their behavior."

"I'm smart." Caleb stated. "So you're saying that because my ancestors were altered to be smart, I, their descendant, can't be fully compassionate. I, and every other genetically damaged person, am limited by my damaged genes. And the Divergent are not."

"Well," David said, lifting a shoulder. "Think about it."

Caleb looked at Tris who looked back. He's freaking out about this. The sister he was going to let die is genetically healed while he is genetically damaged. He thought he was above her. The roles had been reversed and he clearly wasn't taking it well.

All this knowledge didn't change a thing for me. It didn't change the love and affection I knew growing up. It didn't change the strength and endurance Dauntless taught me. It didn't change the love and devotion I held for the man I was clinging to. If what David said was true than I was genetically healed and Eric was genetically damaged. I refused to see it or acknowledge it in any way. He was perfect. There was nothing wrong with him. He wasn't damaged.

"Genes aren't everything." Amar added. "People, even genetically damaged people, make choices. That's what matters."

I could agree with that. Eric made the choice to leave his abusive parents, moving on to a better life in Dauntless. He made a choice to listen to Jeanine. But he also made the choice to be with me. He wasn't Divergent. He hated them. Only then he met me and he made the choice to renounce everything Jeanine had told him because he had fallen in love with a person who he was supposed to hate and to kill. He wasn't Divergent but he made those choices to better himself. How can anyone call him damaged after everything he'd been through?

Everyone looked shocked at all this new information. In our little group alone, we're mixed with healed and damaged genes. But all I see is the amazing people who have come this far only to feel like we're being put down for just being who we are. Four looked like he's about to fall over and if I thought I could move one step from Eric's side, I'd go to him, but Eric's breathing had become rapid and he's staring at the floor, his eyes darting back and forth as he tried to wrap his head around what we're being told.

"You are not damaged." I told him. He nodded at me but didn't meet my eyes. "Eric." I said squeezing his hand. He slowly met my eyes. "You are not damaged. You are perfect." He frowned harder but nodded at me. Reaching my hand up, I ran it along his hair. Only then I felt David's eyes on us. Shooting him an angry look, the corner of his mouth turned up and then he surveyed the rest of our group.

"This is a lot to process." David told us.

"You think?" I frowned at him.

The others all react similarly. It was the biggest understatement yet. It was impossible to process. Christina snorted and everyone shifted their eyes back and forth to each other.

"And you've all been up all night." David finished, ignoring the interruption. "So I'll show you to a place where you can get some rest and food."

I was so ready for some rest. I didn't think my stomach would accept much for food, but I was eager to take get away from him and take care of Eric. I didn't think I'd hold on to my sanity if it weren't for him. He didn't need me to take care of him, but doing so made me happy. But before we can move, Tris spoke.

"Wait." She said, a thought rolling around her head. "You said you've been observing us. How?"

Zoe pursed her lips. David nodded to one of the people at the desks behind him. All at once, all the screens turned on, each of them showing footage from different cameras. Looking to the one closest to me, moving behind Tris, we can see Dauntless headquarters. The Merciless Mart. Millennium Park. The Hancock building. The Hub.

"You've always known that the Dauntless observe the city with security cameras," David says. "Well, we have access to those cameras too."

My stomach turned with the knowledge that they've been watching us since before I was even born. Just as Dauntless monitor the city, they've been monitoring us. Watching how we lived in the world that they created. For a second I kick myself for not listening to my instincts when I thought that leaving was a bad idea. We shouldn't have come here.

Following David, we walked back the security checkpoint and I think about my gun and knife. Wanting to pick them up and run like hell away from here. Run from the place who had been watching me for forever. Wondering what they had seen. The private moments that were suddenly out there for all to see.

Tris must have been thinking the same, only then her hand moved to her pocket. Sighing to myself, I knew I would stay for the same reason she did. Even though my parents were alive, I wanted an explanation for why they were in that picture. I wanted to know before I saw them again. Though I wasn't sure I could take seeing them again. Not yet.

David led us through the compound to a carpeted area. There were potted plants on either side. The wallpaper is old and yellowed, peeling from the corners of the walls. We continued on into a large room with high ceilings and wood floors and lights that glow orange-yellow. There are cots arranged in two straight rows, with trunks beside them for what we brought with us, and large windows with elegant curtains on the opposite end of the room, though they are worn and frayed at the edges.

According to David, this part of the compound used to be a hotel, connected to the airport by a tunnel, and this room used to be the ballroom. Most of their terms don't mean anything to us, but he doesn't seem to notice. He probably doesn't even care. It makes me wonder what he's really thinking about us arriving here.

"This is just a temporary dwelling, of course. Once you decide what to do, we will settle you somewhere else, whether it's in this compound or elsewhere. Zoe will ensure that you are well taken care of." He told us. "I will be back tomorrow to see how you're all doing."

He turned and walked away. As soon as he was gone, I moved in front of Eric, putting my hands on his arms as I looked up at him. He gently took my head in his hands, his brows still furrowed. The others started to pick a spot to call their own. Sighing, I turned and moved toward the nearest bed, thinking it would do.

"No." Eric told me. "Keep moving. Take the last one." He said pointing to the left.

"Why?" I frowned. "Aren't any of them as good as the other?"

"No." He repeated.

"Eric." I frowned harder as he started to push me.

His hands were on my arms as he led me toward the last bed. "Too much happens. I want you as far away as possible."

"So you're going to put me in the corner so I'll be trapped?"

"It'll be better than having you being killed first because you're near the door." He countered.

Hating that he had a point, I willingly moved to it, setting my bag down on top of it. He looked at the one next to it, pushing it so it was against mine. There was enough room next to the wall to walk easily and I had to admit that I didn't want to sleep without him. We'd been lucky so far, so it was bound to happen that we didn't get our own room.

"This sucks already." Eric muttered.

"Why?"

"How are we supposed to have any fun if we're in the same room with all these other people?" He smirked at me.

Laughing, I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him deeply. He pressed me tightly against his body as he lifted me off the ground, one hand moving to the back of my head. Wrapping my arm around his head, I kissed him until I couldn't breathe. Taking a deep breath, I placed several soft kisses against his lips before burying my face in his neck.

"Everything is going to be alright." He told me softly.

"You don't believe that." I replied.

"I'm trying to." He stated. "For both of us."

Kissing him again, I hugged him tightly, gently gripping the back of his neck. Then I noticed Four pacing in front of the windows, chewing on his thumbnail. He rarely did that, knowing that he was truly freaking out. Tris wasn't even in the room anymore. Frowning, I let Eric go, slowly walking over to him. Putting my hand on his arm, I offered him a smile as he looked at me. He nodded but his jaw was clenched. Feeling tears, I swiftly wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him as tightly as I could.

"It's okay, Tobias. We'll figure it out. Everything is going to be okay." I told him with as much certainty as I could muster.

"You don't believe that."

Now he sounded like me. "No, I don't. But we don't have a choice. We're here now. We need to figure it out and deal with it."

He let me go, bringing his hand to my cheek. "Do you believe what he was saying about us being healed and the non-Divergent being damaged?"

"Not for one second." I replied quickly and more angrily than I had meant. My eyes moved to Eric who was talking to Christina. "That would mean that he's in some way damaged. His parents caused damage but that was done by the flaw of the human race. It doesn't have to do with genes. He is not damaged. If they continue to call him that they will see what the Dauntless they created can do." He nodded but didn't say anything. "Do you believe it?"

"I don't know what to believe." He told me. "But I'm inclined to agree with you."

"Inclined?" I frowned. "Are you telling me that you look at Eric and Christina and all the others that aren't Divergent and you think that they're damaged?"

"No." He replied quickly. "I'm sorry."

Feeling sorry for getting upset, I sighed, and gently took his hand. "It's a lot to take in." I told him. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He said giving me a small smile. "Go to Eric. If we're feeling a little messed up about all this then he must be freaking out too. Even if he isn't showing it."

Nodding, I leaned up and pressed a kiss against his cheek. "I love you, Tobias."

"Love you too, Opie." He smiled, hugging me once more before gently pushing me back toward Eric.

Moving back to Eric, Christina was now with Uriah, talking softly to each other. Hazel is pressed against Caleb's chest. She's crying and Caleb is massaging his temples with his fingertips. They made a different sort of couple. Peter is staring at the wall and Cara is sitting a few beds down, looking more distressed than I've ever seen her look.

"How you doing in there?" I asked Eric as I ran my hand over his hair.

He smirked, scoffing as he sat on the cot, pulling me down with him. Ours knees were bent, pressed against each other so we can face one another. He ran his fingers through my hair, sighing as he looked at me fondly. Then he frowned and he bowed his head as he took both my hands in his, squeezing them tightly.

"Baby, talk to me." I told him softly.

"I don't know what to say." He replied even softer.

Freeing one of my hands, I lifted his chin so he met my eyes, and then placed it against his face, "Tell me what you're thinking and feeling. Even if it doesn't make sense, tell me anyway."

"They called those who aren't Divergent damaged." He stated.

"You are not damaged, Eric." I told him forcefully. "I don't care what they said. I don't care what they've done to us. We can't change that. But I can tell you right now that you are not damaged."

"How do you know?" He frowned at me. "You heard them. They've been genetically altering the people in our city for years."

"Exactly." I told him softly. "They may be watching us and telling us what's real. But it has been generations. What do they really know about who's healed and who's damaged? Just because you aren't Divergent doesn't mean you aren't healed."

"But that's what they told us, Pen. The people who did this to us flat out told us that the non-Divergent still have damaged genes." He argued.

"I don't care." I told him. "If your genes are damaged than your genes are damaged. It doesn't change anything, Eric."

"Doesn't it?" He frowned. "Do you want to be with someone who has damaged genes? Would you risk passing those damaged genes onto your children?"

Now a frown was on my face. "Our children, Eric. Ours. And I want to be with you now more than ever. I want to marry you and bear your children. I don't care about genes or what these people are telling us. You're mine and I am yours. That is never going to change. No matter what they tell us."

For a long moment he just frowned at me, making me feel a little anxious. I couldn't stop the thought of him breaking up with me because of this from going through my head. But then he smiled and pulled me to him, kissing me deeply.

"I love you, Pen. More than anything." He told me softly.

"And I love you, Eric. No one has ever loved a man as much as I love you."

He laughed lightly and kissed me again. "How the hell did I get you to fall in love with me?"

"By showing me exactly who you are." I smiled, kissing him. "By never giving up on me. On us. You are amazing, Eric. You're not perfect. You're flawed and in those flaws lies your beauty and strength. You are everything to me and I will never love anyone the way I love you. I can't even begin to explain why, but it's true. You're the one, Eric. My one."

He looked at me for a long moment before he was kissing me again, deeply and repeatedly. Sliding into his lap, I kept one hand on his face as I wrapped the other around his neck. His arms wrapped around me, his hands warm and comforting against my back. When we finally parted, he buried his face into my neck. Wrapping my arm around his head, I pressed a kiss near his ear, whispering that I loved him into it. Trailing my nails up and down his back, he relaxed, turning his head and resting it against my chest. We sat that way for a long while, letting him calm from the thoughts that were running through his head.

After a while, we're shown the way to the bathrooms, all of us cleaning up, and at some point we're led to the cafeteria for dinner. When night comes it was surprising how segregated we were for being in the same room. Everyone is still trying to deal with everything that happened. No one knows what to think. No one knows what's real and what matters. There's still so much left to learn. For a good portion of the day I had forgotten my grief. I'd forgotten about my parents and Natalie being in a picture from the outside. I was grateful for the distraction. I was grateful that we were all still alive and together.

"Pen." Tris said softly as Eric and I walked the hall back to the ballroom. "Can I talk to you?"

Eric smiled at her, kissing me softly before continuing on his way. Sighing, I leaned against the wall, feeling all energy leave me. I hadn't realized I'd been putting on such a tough exterior. She leaned next to me, and I could tell that something was on her mind. She didn't talk right away, looking as if she were trying to decide how to say it.

"They knew." She told me. "Your parents and mine. They knew what this city was. They knew we were an experiment and that they were watching us. They knew and they didn't say anything."

"How do you know?" I frowned at her.

"I talked to David." She replied lowering her eyes. "He told me that my mom was sent into the city to fix a problem."

"And you think mine were sent to do the same?" I asked, getting a nod in response. Scoffing, I leaned my head back against the wall. "That actually makes things a little more clear. They were afraid when they found out I was Divergent. But it wasn't the outside that was hunting us. It was Jeanine, the leader of Erudite which turned out to be created by those of the outside world."

"They watched everything happen and they didn't do anything." She frowned. "They allowed people to die. They watched as Erudite planned the attack on Abnegation."

"Do you think they allowed it because Abnegation told Erudite about the outside world?" I asked her. "Do you think they were trying to let us cover up our own mistake?"

She frowned and shook her head, "I don't know."

For a moment I thought I was in complete control of myself, then I found tears burning in my eyes and I slid down to the floor. Tris followed me, her arm brushing mine. "My parents knew so much and yet they wouldn't tell me when I asked. Then when I saw them again the night we decided to leave, we fought and I told them I was leaving and they didn't say anything. Why wouldn't they warn me on what I was going to find?"

Looking at Tris, tears slid down my cheeks. She just shook her head, taking my hand in hers. "I don't know, Pen. I wish things had turned out differently."

"Me too." I told her. Laughing lightly, I wiped the tears away. "Sorry. I'm not the most put together right now."

"You've been faking it well." She told me.

Laughing, I nodded, "I'm trying."

"If you need a minute alone, I can go."

"No." I replied quickly. "No. It's okay. I should get back to Eric."

"How's he handling it?"

Sighing, I wiped the last tear from my cheek. "He doesn't appreciate being called damaged." I told her. "Since he's far from damaged."

"You don't believe them?"

"No." I replied. "I can't wrap my head around breeding certain characteristics into a population. We're all human. You can try, but at the end of the day I truly believe that we're all the same. We – as Divergent – may be capable of different things, but that's still just being human."

"Do you think your feelings for Eric are clouding your judgment on the subject?"

"Probably." I stated. For once not jumping straight to being pissed off at her. "But I don't care. When it comes to him I'm blind in every way. I will defend him and protect him and love him for the rest of my life. I don't care what genes he's made from. It doesn't change one damn thing."

"What about kids?"

Laughing, I looked at her, "He asked that too."

"What did you tell him?"

"That it didn't matter and that I would have his children and not care the slightest about what genes they're made from." I replied.

She smirked at me, "I'm sure he enjoyed that response."

"He did." I nodded.

There was a long pause before she looked at me with a nervous expression, "We're not going to have to listen to you two have sex are we?"

Laughing loudly, feeling some of my tension release, I shook my head. "No, Tris. You guys are safe. If we just can't help ourselves we'll find a quiet place away from people."

"Good." She replied. "I was worried."

Laughing again, we talked only a short while longer before we went back to the room. Most were already in bed. Eric was sitting with Four, talking softly. Neither of them looked happy, making me worry about whatever they were talking about.

"Hey, baby." I smiled, running my hand down the back of his head.

"Hey." He smiled, wrapping his arm around my waist. "You okay?" He frowned.

Apparently the redness hadn't fully subsided from my tears. "Yeah. I'm good."

"You sure?" He asked with concern.

"Yeah, baby." I smiled, kissing him. "Come on, let's go to sleep."

Smiling at Four, I ran my hand down the back of his head as I took Eric's hand, leading him to our beds. Lying down, the crease down the middle felt like it was putting too much space between us. Turning onto our sides, I took his hand, hugging it against my chest. He smiled, reaching over and ran his fingers through my hair. Keeping his hand, his other fell away from me as he shut his eyes. He was exhausted. I was too. But I couldn't fall asleep until I was sure he was sleeping. I was as worried as I always was for him. Something he'd just have to get used to.

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