Chapter Nineteen: Keep Moving Forward

When I couldn't stand sitting any longer, I once again molded myself against his back. When I couldn't take that anymore, I stood and started to pace the dormitory. No one else had returned all day. I wasn't sure what that meant and as much trouble I was having being stationary, I was happy for the quiet. Though the quiet also left too much time to think. My mind kept moving through all the serums and genetic bullshit and how this place was just as bad as the city. Though I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I was actually grateful that we were here. At least this way we could stop the same thing from happening to the other experiments and stop any new experiments from being started.

Running my fingers through my hair, I muttered to myself as I tried to clear my head, "Damn it all to hell." I whispered to myself.

"I can hear you thinking from over here." Eric told me, making me jump.

"Eric." I said and rushed to him as he swung his legs over the edge of the cot. I was about to throw myself at him when I abruptly stopped. "Can I proceed?" I asked him. "Or are you still sore?"

He laughed lightly, holding his hand out to me, "It's safe."

Trying to be gentle, I straddled his lap, taking his face in my hands, "How are you feeling?"

"I don't know." He replied, making me frown at him. "You haven't kissed me yet so it's kinda hard to tell."

Grinning, I kissed him slow and deep. "I love you."

"And I love you, Pen."

"I'm glad you didn't die today." I told him. I didn't want to talk about it but I couldn't seem to stop myself either.

"Me too, baby." He said running his hands up and down my back. "But I could never leave you, Pen."

"Good. Because I'd never survive it."

"Me neither."

Kissing him repeatedly, I wrapped my arms around his neck, loving the taste and the feel of him. "You are my most favorite person."

He smiled and kissed me again. "Where is your second favorite person?"

"I'm not sure." I told him. "He was arrested and I haven't seen or heard anything since. Not from him at least. Tris was here. Turns out that Nita wasn't after the memory serum but the death serum. She wanted to kill important government people and start a war."

"Death serum?" He frowned. "Pen, I didn't know."

"I know you didn't." I replied. "But I really wish you had been with Four so you would have been arrested and not there for the wall explosion."

"But then I wouldn't have been there to protect you from it." He replied.

"I may not have been standing so close if I hadn't rushed to reach you." I retorted.

"So you're mad at me now?"

"No." I replied. "God, no. I was just so scared, Eric. It was too close this time. I thought it was bad before but this time…I never want to feel like that again."

"You won't." He told me. "We'll figure it out and we'll plan our next move more carefully."

"Promise?"

"Promise." He grinned. "Now let's go find Four."

"You should rest." I told him. "You've been through a lot."

He moved me from his lap, getting to his feet, "I've rested enough."

Feeling anxious, I stood as well, wrapping my arms around myself as I shifted back and forth. "This feels like Dauntless all over again." I told him softly, feeling emotion start to creep up.

"What are you talking about?" He asked.

"After Candor, our people tried to kill you twice." I went on.

He sighed and stepped up to me, gently rubbing my arms, "Pen."

"They tried to drown you and even then you were never concerned about what happened to you."

"Pen, baby, I'm okay." He told me as he slid his hands up to my neck, running his thumbs back and forth across my jawline.

Putting my hands against his chest, I stepped closer to him, "I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I was terrified for you. You nearly died and you brush it off like it's no big deal. It's a big deal, Eric."

He sighed again, pressing his forehead against mine, "What do you want me to do, Pen? Freak out and be a paranoid mess?"

"I'm not saying that." I replied as I wrapped my arms around him, pressing myself against his chest. "I just don't want you to be so nonchalant about it. I want you to acknowledge what would happen to me if you died. I want you to think about how you'd react if our roles had been reversed."

"Stop it." He frowned before putting his lips against my forehead.

"You would be a mess if something happened to me." I went on. "You'd keep me on the shortest leash possible so why can't you understand that the same is for me?"

"I do, baby." He smiled, running his fingers through my hair. "But that's not me. I brush it off because it turned out okay and we need to just keep moving forward. Nothing good comes from dwelling."

"I know." I replied rubbing his arms. "But if you had seen you all lifeless on the floor you'd be freaking out too."

"Remember, I have seen you pretty lifeless. More than once." He replied with a raised brow.

Looking at him, I offered a small smile, "We're being awfully depressing."

He smiled back, his arms moving around me, "I can remember a few other things that are much less depressing."

"Like?" I grinned up at him, tipping my head back.

He kissed me sweetly, moving his lips to my neck, "Like the spot in your neck that makes you tremble." His hand moved to my side. "If I squeeze just right you'll go weak in the knees." Grinning at him, I could feel my pulse start to race. "And here." He said gripping the back of my knee, making me squirm and jerk away from him. He scooped me up into his arms, holding me firmly against his chest. "I know everything about you, Pen. And getting to know you, waking up to you and falling asleep next to you, that's when I'm happiest. You saved me in more ways than one. I brush it off because I know that no matter what happens, I have you. And that's everything to me."

Kissing him deeply, I ran my hand over his hair, kissing him again. "You have become a hopeless romantic. It's kind of crazy how much you've changed."

"Believe me, I'm still the same Eric, I just show a different side is all. I can be just as bad as I was before."

Grinning, I gently bit his lip, "I know. And if we had our own room I'd let you show me just how bad you can be."

Kissing me passionately, I slipped my tongue into his mouth, loving the taste of him. Only then he put me back onto my feet. "Alright, let's go find Four."

"He said he'd find me if he was released before I went back to him." I stated.

"Then I guess we check there first." He nodded.

Putting his arm around me, we left, moving through the halls in search of our brother. Going to the hallway where he was being held, we found it empty. Backtracking, we were nearing the control room to see him walking toward us, his head bowed.

"Four." I called out to him.

His head shot up and there was a look of relief on his face. "Opie. Eric."

Rushing forward, I went to hug him but he ignored me, quickly pulling Eric into a tight embrace. My chest swelled at the sight of them. The loathing they used to share for each other had been replaced with respect and genuine liking for each other now. I loved it. Every last moment of it.

"You said you were going to find me." I stated when he had finally let Eric go.

"Sorry." He replied hugging me next. "I got distracted. They put me on a year parole for my role in what happened. I have to work for the good of the community. All my clearance for any of the private labs or rooms has been revoked. And I can't leave the compound without permission. On top of that I need to check in every month with some parole officer."

"You didn't know what was going to happen." I frowned. "How can they punish you?"

"Because I went along with it." He replied. "I got off easy. Nita is being shipped off to prison for the rest of her life."

"Jesus." I frowned.

"It serves her right." Eric added. "And they didn't say what was going to happen to me?"

"You were left out of it. As far as they know you were simply an innocent bystander. You're safe."

"Thank god." I said looking up at him. Both men gave me a look. "I'm sorry, Tobias, about what you have to go through. But I can't deny that I'm grateful that Eric is safe and uninvolved."

"I am too." Four smiled.

"What are you doing here?" Eric asked.

Four shook his head, shrugging, "I didn't know where else to go. I couldn't go back to the dormitory and I couldn't go to where the explosion took place, so I settled for here. It's not private so I can go into it."

Nodding, Eric put his hand on his shoulder, "Let's see what they got going on then."

They both wrapped an arm around the other's shoulders, walking through the door. For a split second I almost was jealous of Four. I was thrilled that they had bonded, but at the same time, it was almost surreal on the verge of being unsettling.

Stepping in, it's hard not to immediately look at all the screens in the room. Each one showing a different part of the city. Eric and Four moved off, talking softly to each other as their eyes dart from one screen to the next to the next. But I was only looking for one place. It was selfish of me considering how I left things, but I wanted to see my parents.

Finding Amity, I saw my mother in the fields with the others, harvesting like she had for most of her life. She wiped the sweat from her forehead, soil being smeared with it. She held a focused look on her face and yet I knew she was in pain. What was she thinking? What was she feeling? Did she still hate me?

Searching for my father, depression seeped in when I never found him. I missed my mother, but the thought of my father hating me was worse than if she did. Disappointing him was the one thing I never wanted to do. I know I had. I hoped he was okay. Looking at Eric, the depression faded, and I knew I had done what I had to do in the moment. I hoped there would be time to make amends but for now, I was still okay with the way things were.

"Pen."

"Tessa." I smiled moving toward her.

"What brings you here?"

"Men." I replied, glancing at Eric and Four.

She looked at them as well, her eyes looking at them from top to bottom. "If that's the kind of men that are in the city, I think I want to join the experiment."

Laughing, I nodded, "We definitely have a different breed of them where I come from."

"Don't take this the wrong way," She told me, "Eric is good looking and all, but Tobias…I'd like to see what he knows between the sheets."

Laughing again, I felt a blush rise in my cheeks. "I will admit their looks rival each other but Tobias doesn't have half of what Eric does."

"You've had them both?" She asked.

"What?" I shot at her. "No! Oh, god, no. Sorry. I've never slept with Tobias. He's a brother to me. But Eric's definitely the more experienced."

"So there were a few others before you?" She asked.

"Um." I frowned, her question sinking in. "Yeah, there were a few."

Her expression softened and she nodded, "He kinda got around before you?"

Feeling my shoulders sink, I nodded, "Basically. But that's in the past. He's all mine now. Just the way I want it."

She smiled at me fondly, "I get that. I'm the same way with Kyle. He had another girlfriend when I met him. But there was just something about him that I just couldn't ignore. After a while he seemed to sense it too. He broke up with her and we've been together ever since."

"It's nice, isn't it?" I smiled at her, before my eyes were on Eric, my imagination running away with me.

There was a small pause before she gave a short laugh, "You're imagining yourself ravaging him, aren't you?" A blush swiftly rose to my cheeks. She laughed, "I hope so, since I'm thinking about Kyle right now."

Laughing with her, I shook my head, my eyes once again moving to Eric. "You are not alone."

Laughing together, I followed her to her computer, talking as we watched the screen. She was gracious enough to flip through all the Amity cameras, letting me look for my father. When it seemed to be pointless, we moved on to Erudite, checking up on Evelyn. She wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary, but there was plenty of activity through the rest of headquarters. Soldiers, their arms covered in factionless armbands with weapons at their hips. They're exchanging quick conversations or handing off cans of food for dinner. My mind drifts back to my time with them, the passing of food, a habit that they were familiar with and yet it was still sad to me. I'd spent my entire life having all the necessities that life had to offer. They struggled for every meal. I did admire their perseverance, I simply hated them for their beliefs.

In the middle of a conversation, we both jerked our head toward one of the others who are monitoring the screens, her tone excited, "There he is."

"Who?" I asked Tessa.

"Pen." Four said with a stern voice.

"What is it?" I asked moving toward him and Eric. The screens were all starting to flip to the same camera. My eyes are searching for what everyone was looking at. Then I saw him. He was standing in front of the Hancock building. "Marcus."

He was near the front doors, checking his watch. He waiting for someone. Four touched the screen, turning on the sound. Hearing footsteps, Johanna came into view, my eyes grew wide, only it's not because of Johanna but because of who she's with. My father. Moving closer, I wanted to reach out and touch the screen but all eyes are now on them, waiting for them to start talking. Marcus held out his hand and both Johanna and my father ignored the gesture, making Marcus look the fool.

"I knew you stayed in the city." Johanna told him. "They're looking all over for you."

"It would have been smarter to leave the city." My father added.

More people are grouping around the screens to watch. Pressing closer to Eric, I still stared at my father. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Four doing the same. We both are intently watching our fathers. I already knew mine didn't like his and his was running low on allies.

"Have I done something to offend you?" Marcus asked Johanna as he glanced at my father. "I contacted you because I thought you were a friend."

My father laughed and Johanna shot him a look before focusing on Marcus again. "I thought you contacted me because you know I'm still the leader of the Allegiant, and you want an ally. And depending on what your aim is, I am still that, Marcus, but I think our friendship is over."

Marcus's eyebrows furrowed and my father took a step toward him, obviously protecting her. "I don't understand."

"I spoke to some of my Candor friends." Johanna told him. "They told me what your boy said when he was under truth serum. That nasty rumor Jeanine Matthews spread about you and your son…it was true, wasn't it?"

Marcus shook his head, "No, Tobias is –"

"Enough!" My father shot at him. "Don't bother denying it."

Johanna shut her eyes as if she didn't want to look at him. "Please. I have watched how your son behaves, how your wife behaves. I know what people who are stained with violence look like." She pushed her hair behind her ear. "We recognize our own."

Taking a sharp intake of air, I brought my fingers to my lips as I wrapped my arm around myself. Eric put his hand on my shoulder, pressing a kiss into my hair. Putting my hand over his, I leaned back against him.

"You can't possibly believe –" Marcus started, shaking his head. "I'm a disciplinarian, yes, but I only wanted what was best –"

"You do not hit your child!" My father bellowed at him, making me jump.

I could only assume he was thinking of the moment when he hit me. Seeing his reaction was actually kind of nice. He was guilt ridden and there was a sense of satisfaction in that.

"Patrick." Johanna told him gently. Then her eyes were on Marcus again. "A husband should not discipline his wife. Not even in Abnegation. And as for your son…well, let us say that I do believe it of you."

Both Eric and I put a hand on Four, offering all the comfort we could right now. More than that, we now knew that Johanna herself had experienced abuse. I remember asking her how she had gotten her scar, but she always gave vague answers or simply lied about it.

Looking at Four, he's staring at his father, waiting to see what he would do. And right now he's just standing there looking confused. As if he still believed that what he did was right. The thought made anger start to boil and I wrapped my arm around him.

"Now that I've been honest," Johanna told him, her tone more calm now, "you can tell me why you asked me to come here."

Marcus shifted to a new subject so fast it was as if the previous conversation had never taken place. I watch my father scoff and shake his head, averting his eyes from Marcus. He's clearly disgusted with him and I wonder if it's at Marcus's indifference to the abuse of his family, or if it's simply everything that's going on right now. Nodding, agreeing with him from afar, the other's in the room move the camera closer so that the Hancock building is simply the backdrop behind Marcus and Johanna's chests. Staring at my father, I feel Four's eyes and see him avoiding the screen.

Rubbing his arm, I placed a quick kiss against his cheek. "It's okay." He nodded but didn't say anything. Feeling a hand against my hair, I smiled up at Eric, receiving one in return as he pressed a kiss against my forehead.

"Evelyn and the factionless are tyrants." Marcus stated. "The peace we experienced among the factions, before Jeanine's first attack, can be restored, I'm sure of it. And I want to try to restore it. I think this is something you want too."

"It is." Johanna replied. "How do you think we should go about it?"

"This is the part you might not like, but I hope you will keep an open mind." He told her, pausing before going on. "Evelyn controls the city because she controls the weapons. If we take those weapons away, she won't have nearly as much power, and she can be challenged."

Johanna nodded, and scraped her shoe against the pavement. For a moment I felt nostalgic for my former faction representative. She had been nothing but good to me and I had thrown all that in her face. We'd made amends since then but there was still a measure of guilt. Guilt for all those we left behind. Finding myself staring at her, I can only see the smooth side of her face, the limp but curled hair, her full mouth. She was strong. She was one of the first people to teach me about strength and how to be kind at the same time.

"What would you like me to do?" She asked him.

"Let me join you in leading the Allegiant." Marcus replied.

My father laughed and took a step forward, "I don't think so."

"I was an Abnegation leader." Marcus went on, meeting my father's eyes. "I was practically the leader of this entire city. People will rally behind me."

"We don't need you to rally support." My father shot at him.

"He's right. People have rallied already." Johanna pointed out. "And not behind a person, but behind the desire to reinstate the factions. Who says I need you?"

"Not to diminish your accomplishments, but the Allegiant are still too insignificant to be any more than a small uprising."

"We'll see." My father told him.

"There are more factionless than any of us knew. You do need me. You know it."

I watch my father look at Johanna, seeing his chest deflate just a little. He'd made a point. My father nor Johanna could deny that. The factionless had grown to unimaginable numbers. They'd been growing for years and we had no idea. No one did. So now that they are attempting to take over the city, it was going to take more than a small uprising to take control of them. Feeling anxious, they were going to trust him. They were going to let him join them in their cause. It took all of me not to lunge at the screen, screaming at my father to not listen to him. That it was all a manipulation for him to meet his own ends. They didn't need him.

When Johanna spoke next, her words were careful. She didn't trust him but at the same time it was clear that she thought she needed him. "Can you promise me that you will, wherever possible, try to limit the destruction we will cause?"

Marcus replied quickly, "Of course."

She nodded again, but this time it looked like she's nodding to herself. Then she looked at my father and I can see the anger in his expression. He paced away from her, his steps heavy but I can no longer see him.

"Sometimes we need to fight for peace." Johanna told Marcus, though she's no longer looking at him. "I think this is one of those times. And I do think you would be useful for people to rally behind."

"Don't." The word is past my lips before I can stop myself.

"It's okay." Four whispered, his hand finding my shoulder.

I shook my head as I continued to watch them. The Allegiant rebellion was about to begin and my father was Johanna's right hand man. What did that even mean? What was he doing? What was he going to do? Sighing, I turned to Four only to have him push past me and toward the door. Eric nodded and we followed, practically running into him as he stopped to look at another screen. Frowning, I sighed again, recognizing it as the Evelyn cam. She looks upset. I hated when she was upset. It made me feel for her and I didn't want to feel for her. She pushed her hands into her hair, clenching her fingers around the thick locks. Dropping to a crouch, papers are littering the floor all around her as if she had swiped them off the desk. She crying. Taking an involuntary step toward the screen, I stopped myself, wrapping my arms around myself.

Then there's a knock on the door and she straightened, wiping her face, and replied, "Come in!"

One of her soldiers walked in, her factionless armband askew. "Just got an update from the patrols. They say they haven't seen any sign of him."

"Great." Evelyn said shaking her head. "I exile him, and he stays inside the city. He must be doing this just to spite me."

"Or he's joined the Allegiant, and they're harboring him." The soldier told her, slinging her body across one of the office chairs. She twisted paper into the floor with her boot soles.

Frowning, I had an irrational need to know who she was and why Evelyn was letting her be so nonchalant with her. She was usually treated with far more respect than this.

"Well, obviously." Evelyn put her arm against the window and leaned into it, looking out over the city and beyond it where the marsh is. "Thank you for the update."

"We'll find him. He can't have gone far. I swear we'll find him."

"I just want him to be gone." Evelyn replied, her voice tight and small, like a child's. I didn't blame her. If I were her I'd want him gone too.

"I know." The soldier told her and left.

The room she was in was quiet. I was ready to leave, gently pushing against Four only to have him stay firm. "We should go."

"I'm gonna stay awhile." He replied as he watched his mother.

Watching him, there was something about his expression that had me worried. "Tobias, everything is going to be okay. I know your relationship with your parents sucks right now. But you aren't doing yourself any favors by watching them."

He turned and looked at me, offering a small smile, "I'll be okay."

Sighing, I kissed his cheek before looking at Eric. He put his hand on Four's shoulder before he followed me from the room. His hand found my waist and he pressed a kiss into my hair. Smiling, I wrapped my arm around him, leaning my head against his chest.

Thinking we were going back to the dormitory, Eric led us toward the atrium. The trees and plants brought on an almost instant calm. There was something about the smell of earth and the green and the subtle movement of the leaves that calmed me. Having grown up around it, I guess it made sense. But I had tried so hard to be Dauntless that I hadn't realized the things I missed or what affect they would still have on me. Even here I connected with Amity and yet fought like Dauntless. Feeling confused, I walked to the nearest plant, rubbing a leaf between my fingers.

"What are you thinking?" Eric asked as he stepped up behind me, putting his hands on my arms.

"I don't know." I replied. "There are so many things going through my head that I don't even know where to start."

"Then pick one and we'll go through them all." He replied.

Turning in his arms, I brought my hands to his sides, "What are you thinking?"

He smiled and kissed me softly. "I asked you first."

"What are we going to do? They have a death serum that the GDs and GD sympathizers want so they can start another war. Four's parents are on both sides of the mess inside the city and now my own father is the right hand to the leader of the Allegiant. My mother looks depressed. I miss Claude. You nearly died. And I'm…I'm so tired of all this crap. Uriah might die. These people want to wipe the memory of everyone in the city. I don't know which to start with or where to even begin to wrap my head around all these. Most of all the part with you almost dying. I'm not sure I've reacted enough to that and I feel like I need to breakdown or scream or – I don't know – die myself before I can feel remotely put together again."

He smiled and kissed me again, pulling me against his chest. "First off, you're not allowed to die. Not even for a minute. And second of all, I know this whole thing sucks but we'll figure it out. I don't know what move to make next but we'll make it together."

I nodded, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "Okay."

"You don't sound convinced." He told me with furrowed brows.

Taking his head in my hands I kissed him deeply and repeatedly. Lifting me into his arms, I wrapped my legs around him. Keeping one hand on his face, I brought my other to the back of his head, deepening the kiss until we couldn't breathe. Breathing heavily, our mouths open against each other's; he felt strong against me, his arms holding me firmly in place. If I didn't know what happened to him then I would think that nothing had. But my hand felt the wound scabbing against the side of his head. I could see the cuts and bruises. But he was okay. He was stronger than any man I knew and I felt like I wasn't giving him enough credit.

"Better?" He asked.

Kissing him once more, slowly slipping my tongue into his mouth, I kept his eyes, feeling a shudder go through me. "I'm always better when you're here."

He laughed and kissed me again, his hand finding my neck as the other held me up. "Can we just not go back to the dormitory?"

"If you keep kissing me like that then I'll agree to anything." I told him before licking his bottom lip.

He grinned mischievously, teasing me as he brushed his lips against mine, not letting me close the distance. I grinned back at him, bringing my lips to his neck as I reached my hand down, gripping the top of his pants. Then he was kissing me again, moaning with pleasure as the heat started to rise between us.

"You're supposed to be taking it easy." I told him, running my hand across his hair.

"I can't think of a better way to feel relaxed." He replied as he trailed kisses along my jaw and down my neck. "Wouldn't you agree?"

Lowering my head to meet his lips again, I couldn't kiss him enough, "Shut up and just kiss me."

He laughed lightly but did as he was told. Moving as deep into the room as we could, he lowered us to the ground, his back against the wall. Undoing both our pants, he wrapped one arm around me, supporting me as he shifted, resting me against the floor. It was cold against my back, but only for a moment. His lips found mine again, making my body heat up as he slowly undressed me. Doing the same, I couldn't help but shudder as my hands slid across his bare chest, running them to his neck and down his arms. Reaching down, I pushed his pants down, doing the same with my own, rubbing against him with my hips, legs, and feet until both pairs were kicked away from us. He ran his fingers through my hair before sliding them down the side of my face. He trailed his fingers across my collarbone then down my chest until they reached the barbell. His other hand slid down my side and across my thigh. The gentleness of his touch made me shudder and filled me with such emotion I couldn't touch him enough. The feeling of his hands, the euphoria that his lips sent through me, every part of him filled every part of me, making everything else fall away. Things were so messed up right now. But we were still perfect. Perfect in our imperfections and madly in love with each other. Even if everything else fell apart, I knew I'd still have him and he would still have me. At this point it felt like it was all we had going for us. Not that I was complaining. In just a matter of minutes there was only us and the passion we had for each other.

Just the way I wanted it.

So sorry that this is late to be posted! Life gets in the way sometimes. But here it is! Enjoy! Love to all!