Chapter Twenty-five: This Is It
As the day wore on, we managed to fall into a somewhat normal rhythm. We talked and laughed and fooled around, letting our laughter fill the room. We had remained alone for the most part, making it almost feel like we were back in Dauntless, sitting on my bed just being together. Making small talk or arguing about nothing, it was hard not to go back to the time when we were first getting to know each other. It was almost surreal to be having the same type of moments now at what could possibly be our end. The thought was depressing as hell but I couldn't delude myself to believing that everything was going to go perfectly. I couldn't make myself believe that Caleb was the only one who would die tonight. Any or all of us could be dead before the sun rose. If I thought any different, then when something horrible happened it would hurt twice as much. If anything happened to Eric after I convinced myself that he would be fine, I'd end up in a padded cell having gone mad from grief. I didn't try and convince myself but I did keep telling myself that he would be okay. He was smart and capable and he was probably safer away from the compound then we were by staying in it. But it didn't stop me from worrying like crazy. It sucked. This whole thing just sucked.
After a while, Eric finally fell asleep. I should've been sleeping too but I just wasn't tired enough to even attempt it. Every time I blinked the whole thing flashed through my head, worst case scenarios at the forefront of my mind. It made me dread shutting my eyes. I had been talking his ear off, my sketchbook open as he rested his head in my lap, hugging my thighs with his strong arm. When his soft noises started to escape him, I couldn't help but stare at him. He was such a beautiful man and he was all mine. Focusing on the future ahead of us, I stroked his hair, running my nails down his back as I leaned forward to place a kiss against his temple.
Feeling slightly morbid, I turned to a clean page, leaving the partially completed Eric portrait to start something different. Despite how selfish I could be at times, I never thought myself a great beauty or felt the need to be in any way narcissistic. However, in this moment, right now, my face started to appear as my pen moved across the paper. Attempting to not be overly critical of myself, and even though I knew what I looked like, the picture still seemed a bit off to me when I had finished it. Taking a deep breath, I jotted a note to him across the top and bottom. Simple. Nothing too extravagant, knowing that there would never be enough pens or paper to put down all the things I would want to say to him.
Deciding that it was good enough, I made sure it was dry before I carefully ripped it out of the book. Folding it in half, turning it and folding it again, I slipped it into Eric's back pocket. He wouldn't notice it for what could possibly be days, and if something happened to me there would be one piece of me he could take with him. Along with all the pictures we'd taken with the camera Ainsley gave me.
Furrowing my brows, I shifted, reaching for the camera. The movement woke Eric, making him roll his back against my side as I lay sideways to allow my hand to search further. Finally finding it, I ran my fingers through my hair as I sat up, Eric's head hitting the cot.
"Pen." He frowned with mock annoyance.
When I didn't say anything he sat up, looking at me as I looked through the pictures, wishing there were more of them. "We should take come pictures." I finally told him.
"No." He replied and took the camera from me.
"Eric." I frowned as I reached for it.
He turned it off and put it amongst my things. "Pen, taking pictures right now would just be one more way of saying goodbye. You'd spew something about having something to remember you by. Having a little piece of you from the last day we were together." He told me before anger crossed his face. "Well screw you, Pen." He shot at me angrily. "It's been a good day. I felt good about what's going to happen. Don't ruin it with sentiment. Not yet."
All the while he didn't look at me. Scooting closer to him, I took his hands in mine, sighing as I ran my thumbs along the top of them. "I'm sorry. I just…I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to regret not taking one last picture together before we leave. You're right. It's been a good day. I'm happy and I just want to hold on to that moment. I didn't mean it as a goodbye."
He nodded, bringing his hand to my face, "I get it. But I'm still not doing it."
"Fine." I pouted.
He smirked, pulling me into his lap, his arms moving around me. Gently taking his face in my hands, I kissed him deeply. Moving my hand to the back of his neck, the other moving under his arm, hugging his shoulder, I pressed myself against his chest. Deepening the kiss, I couldn't help but relax, attempting to melt into him.
"I love you." I told him.
He ran his hand down my back, "I love you too."
Before anything else could happen, the doors opened and Four came striding in. My stomach lurched and I felt like I was going to throw up. Tears entered my eyes without permission and I felt shaking start to take me over.
"No." I told him as I shook my head. "I'm not ready."
"Sorry, Opie." He told me sadly.
"Eric." I said gripping the sides of his head as I pressed my forehead against his. "Baby."
"I'm gonna be okay." He told me, his arms around me tightly. "I love you so god damned much."
"I love you too." I told him and then was kissing him again. "I love you, Eric." More kissing. "I love you more than anything."
"We gotta go." Four told him.
Eric kept me in his arms as he stood. Wrapping my arms and legs around him, I took a deep breath of him, unable to love him more; feeling the tickle against my neck as he breathed me in as well. Smiling, I let myself drop from his arms, keeping his hands as I leaned up and kissed him yet again.
"Gotta go, baby." He told me, his forehead against mine again.
Nodding, I took a step away from him, his hand still in mine. Letting it go, I turned to Four, putting my arms around him. "I love you, Tobias. Please be safe."
"I will." He told me. "I'll keep him safe, Opie. He'll come back to you."
"I'm going to hold you to that." I replied as I let him go.
He put his hand against my face, smiling at me sweetly. "I love you too."
Wiping a tear that had started to slide down my cheek, I laughed lightly, smirking at them. "Okay. Go be heroes. Save our families."
Eric stepped up to me, taking my face in his hands. Bringing mine to his forearms, I gently rubbed them. "I'll be back. I love you, Pen. Don't do anything stupid."
"I promised I wouldn't." I smiled at him. "I love you, Eric."
Hugging him tightly, I could hardly breathe and yet I never wanted him to let me go. When he finally did, he kissed me once more before he turned and swiftly left the room. Standing there, staring at the door, I half expected him to come back for just one more. It was always just one more for us. But he didn't. The room remained quiet and I just stood there. Alone. Turning back to the cots, I walked to Eric's, picking up his pillow and pressed it against my face. The tears started to flow and I sat on the edge of it, clutching the pillow against my chest. He would be okay. I would be okay. We'd be together again in just a matter of hours.
Getting myself under control, I finally moved from the room, needing to find Tris. I assumed that after Four left she would want to be with her brother. There were only so many places to look for them, guessing right the first time as I stepped into the lab to see Tris, Caleb, Hazel, and Matthew there. Caleb was looking through a microscope, talking with Matthew. Stepping up to Tris, I wrapped my arms around myself and looked at her. She looked at me expectantly. Sighing, I nodded, dropping my eyes to the ground. Hearing her sigh, she gently nudged me before we both tuned in to what Caleb and Matthew were talking about. For a few moments we watched and listened, but neither of us was very focused. At least I wasn't. All I could think of was Eric.
"How you holding up?" Tris asked me.
"Not well." I told her, feeling emotion start to flow again.
It was a constant ebb and flow, trying to be strong and yet couldn't help but feel weak. All I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. I was afraid and worried and anxious. Despite the plan, we had no idea how things were going to go down and there was no time to change anything. Eric and Four were already gone and we were left here to finish it. It was up to us. So, yeah, I wasn't doing very well.
"Me neither." She told me.
Hazel scoffed and started to pace behind Caleb. He shot her a look, which quieted her, but she continued to pace. It could have been a lot worse for us. Our men were safer than hers. Caleb was going to die and she was going to willingly forget everything. Things could definitely be a lot worse. More than that, they could still get a lot worse before this was all over.
"I'm sorry." I told my sister, the words slipping from my mouth before I had even thought them. She looked confused, making me blink rapidly as I tried to think of what I wanted to say. "About everything. About Erudite. About Mom and Dad. About Maggie. A lot that happened has been because of me. Of us. And I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry I defected and forever formed a rift between us. I'm sorry that your boyfriend has to die. I'm just..." I started and stopped. "I'm sorry."
She seemed to soften, just the slightest, "Thank you."
"This is definitely it." Caleb said, his eye once again looking into the microscope.
"The attack simulation serum, I mean. No question."
Matthew nodded, "It's always good to have another person verify."
"What are we doing?" I frowned at Tris.
The men had left, we were getting ready to release the memory serum on the compound, Caleb is set to die and he's analyzing serums? What the hell were we doing?
"I'm not dying without knowing for sure that it's for a good reason. I needed to see it for myself." Caleb told me.
For a long moment I just looked at him, my chest clenching and for a moment I wish that he didn't have to do this. "Okay. Sorry." I told him.
"Tell me the activation code again." Matthew told him.
The activation code was what would enable the memory serum weapon, and another button will deploy it instantly. A two-step process that we couldn't afford to get wrong. That Caleb couldn't afford to get wrong. Frustration was clear on Caleb's face; making me wonder how many times Matthew has asked him to repeat it. My guess was: too many.
"I have no trouble memorizing sequences of numbers!" Caleb shot at him.
"I don't doubt that." Matthew told him calmly. "But we don't know what state of mind you'll be in when the death serum begins to take its course, and these codes need to be deeply ingrained."
I found myself flinching at the words "death serum" and watched as Caleb did as well. Glancing at Tris, she was staring at her shoes. This sucked. This sucked so fucking much. Why was it up to us to take care of this? There were so many other older and smarter people who could be doing this for us. Most of us were just kids and the rest of us were not adult enough to do it. I mean, we could handle it, but we shouldn't have to.
"080712." Caleb recited. I memorized it as well, feeling like the more who know it, the better chance we'd have to succeed if something went wrong. "And then I press the green button."
I repeated the number and button color over and over again in my mind. I didn't want to forget. I was here to make sure that Tris's plan succeeded and despite promising not to do something stupid, if Caleb failed and if Tris couldn't do it or failed as well, the next person in line was me. Feeling nauseous, I went to the corner and sat against the wall, the coolness against my back welcoming. Putting my head in my hand I took several deep breaths in an attempt to keep my stomach contents in my stomach.
"You've been nauseous a lot lately." Tris stated as she sat next to me.
"Tell me again what everyone else is doing." I replied.
She sighed, "Cara is in the control room spiking their drinks with peace serum so she can shut off the lights in the compound while they're too drunk to notice. The same way that Nita and Tobias managed it a few weeks ago." I nodded, listening. "When the lights go off we'll run for the Weapons Lab. The cameras won't be able to see us in the dark."
"Okay." I nodded.
"We have the explosives that Reggie gave us. We'll attach the box there against the second set of laboratory doors."
"Because the first set hasn't been fixed since the attack." I finished.
"Right." She nodded.
Taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly, I nodded again, "Okay."
"You can do this." She told me.
"I know I can." I replied. "My ability to do it isn't the problem."
"Then what is? Eric?"
"He's not here and if something goes wrong..." I started and trailed off.
"We've got this, Pen. You've helped teach me how to be strong. We've been through hell and back and we're still here. We can do this, Pen."
"I know." I told her with a small smile. "And thank you."
"You're welcome." She replied. "And I kind of love you." She added quickly.
"Love you too." I smiled, nudging her.
There was a short moment of silence before Matthew spoke, "I think that's it. Now all we have to do is wait for a little while."
"Matthew, do you think you could leave us alone for a bit?" Tris asked him as she got to her feet.
"Of course." Matthew smiled. "I'll come back when it's time."
Watching him go, he closed the door behind him. My eyes move to Tris and then to Caleb, both of us watching as he ran his hands over the clean suit, the explosives, and the backpack they go in. He put them all in a straight line, fixing the corners. I know he's nervous. How could he not be? Getting to my feet, I went to Hazel who was sitting at the end of one of the tables. She was looking about as defeated as I'd ever seen her to be.
"Hey." I told her as I sat across from her. Glancing over my shoulder, I could hear Caleb reminiscing about their childhood, figuring now was as good a time for me to do the same. "I know this isn't how you thought things would happen, and I know we've been on opposite sides of all this, but I am happy to have you here. It's nice to be with family." She nodded at me, her brows furrowed. "I'll tell Mom and Dad that you helped save them. That you're no longer the traitor you used to be."
She laughed and shook her head. "Tell them whatever you want, Pen. I don't care anymore." Tears welled and I was having trouble looking at her. She noticed and it only seemed to fuel her anger. "Your boyfriend is going to survive this and you're going to get married and have kids. Your future is so bright that it's blinding me. You just sitting there is rubbing it in my face. You and Eric and Tris and Four, you're all going to survive this and live long happy lives with the people you love. Me? The person I care about it going to willingly die so his precious sister and savior of the Faction War will forgive him. Do you realize how screwed up that is?" She told me with venom. "Eric has murdered people and even he's saved from dying. You've killed people. Four and Tris have killed people. Caleb has no blood on his hands and yet he's the one dying for you."
"He has blood on his hands." I frowned at her. "He just didn't spill it himself."
She scoffed and nodded, "You would think that."
"It's not what I think. It's what I know." I retorted. "He knew what Jeanine was planning. He let Abnegation get slaughtered and he let her kill the Divergent."
"I know." She shot at me, but the way she didn't look at me, her shoulders slouching forward, she knew I was right. "It's not fair. That's all I'm saying."
"You're right. It's not fair." I told her. "Nothing about this is fair. I wish we never knew about this compound. I wish I was still in Dauntless. If none of this had happened, people that I love and the people that they love would still be alive. None of this is fair, Hazel. But that's life. It's not supposed to be easy. It's supposed to be hard and messy, breaking us down so we can learn to pick ourselves back up. At the end of all this we will be exactly where we need to be. Everything happens for a reason. I have to believe that or I'd fall apart. There has to be a reason for all of this to be happening. There just has to be."
"That's a load of crap and you know it." She told me as she laughed lightly. "The only reason this is happening is because people disagreed with each other." I just looked at her, frowning, not sure how to respond to it. "And what about Caleb?" She asked. "The only reason I see for him to die is to appease Tris. I can't really see the bigger picture on that one."
"No." I said shaking my head, glancing at the pair who was laughing about something. "I can't either."
"But you're going to let it happen." She stated.
"Yes, I am." I replied.
She scoffed again. "You're picking the lesser of two evils."
"I'm picking my family." I told her. "Tris is my family and despite Caleb being her brother, I will protect her. Even if it's at his expense."
"I'm your sister by blood and you're going to side with someone you hated just months ago."
"I am." I nodded. "She's been more of a sister to me than you have. She's been there for me through thick and thin. Even when we're fighting, hating each other, she's still been more of a sister to me than you."
"I deserve that."
"Damn right you do." I shot at her. "I love you, Hazel. But I'm starting to feel less guilty about your choice to forget. Maybe you'll become a better person once you don't remember your past."
"I'm not a bad person, Pen." She told me. "I'm just more honest about myself than you are."
"Whatever, Hazel." I said and stood, walking away from her.
I wanted to be on better terms with her before everything started. I wanted to feel like we were in a good place so when she lost her memory I'd want to be there to see her through it. But right now I couldn't care less. Let her wander the world until someone took pity on her. Let her forget everything she'd ever said and done. Let her guilt be lifted while I remembered everything she ever told me. The fights, the tears, the laughter, and everything in between. But it felt like what I'd remember most was her betrayal. Willingly allowing her mentor and leader to kill me. Then when things didn't go as planned she blamed me for the death of the one person she actually cares about. I thought we'd been doing better. Now at the end it seemed like we were right back where we had begun.
Stepping next to Tris, I don't know what they're talking about, but the question that came out of her mouth spiked my curiosity. "What is the biggest reason that you're doing this?" She asked him. "The most important one?"
"Don't ask me that, Beatrice." He told her sadly. Hazel glared at me as she put her arm across his shoulders.
"It's not a trap." She told him. "It won't make me un-forgive you. I just need to know."
It was a long drawn out moment before he replied. "I guess I feel like it's the only way I can escape the guilt for all the things I've done. I've never wanted anything more than I want to be rid of it."
"If only others shared your desire." I replied softly.
Tris looks hurt by his words and Hazel's eyes are attempting to cut through me as I glared back. These two were making everything better while I couldn't make it right with Hazel no matter how hard I tried. She'd hate me forever if she kept her memories. Blaming me for the death of her boyfriend that she cared so much about. She cared for him but she had yet to say she loved him. Not once. It made me wonder how she really felt about him. How was his death really going to affect her?
Before anyone can say anything else, a voice spoke through the intercom in the corner. "Attention all compound residents. Commence emergency lockdown procedure, effective until five o'clock a.m. I repeat, commence emergency lockdown procedure, effective until five o'clock a.m."
Tris and I looked at each other as panic started to fill my veins. Even Caleb and Hazel look alarmed. Then the door was shoved open and Matthew appeared.
"Shit." He said before repeating it louder. "Shit!"
"Emergency lockdown?" Tris said to him. "Is that the same as an attack drill?"
"Basically. It means we have to go now, while there's still chaos in the hallways and before they increase security." He replied.
"Damn it." I whispered as I ran my fingers through my hair.
"Why would they do this?" Caleb asked.
"Could be they just want to increase security before releasing the viruses." Matthew replied. "Or it could be that they figured out we're going to try something - only, if they knew that, they probably would have come to arrest us."
Our eyes fell on Caleb. It's time. Tris and I looked at each other before crossing the room and grabbed our guns from the counter. Putting it in the back of my pants, I didn't want to use it unless I had to. We'd been waiting for this moment and yet now that it was here I felt more panicked than I had thought I would. Looking at Tris, something is going through her head and when she met my eyes I was suddenly terrified that I was going to break my promise to Eric. Something was wrong.
"Let's go." She told me.
"Tris." I said wanting to ask her what she was thinking.
"Not right now." She replied.
Swiftly moving into the hall, we attempted to keep an even pace as to not bring any unwanted attention toward our little party. Though the hallway was eerily quiet despite the fact that there were people everywhere. My shoulder was continuously bumped, making me feel like I was being forced backward rather than moving forward.
Panic was swiftly growing inside of me. Something had already gone wrong, making me dread continuing this little mission. Eric flooded my mind and I couldn't help but worry for him. It was easier than worrying for myself. It helped me focus more if I was worrying about him. Though it was hard to focus on anything as the number of security guards started to increase. We were about to go down a hallway that no one had any reason to go down. Red flags would go up and it could be over before we really had a chance to start.
"I think something must have happened to Cara." Matthew told us. "The lights were supposed to be off by now."
Tris and I both nodded and my fingers twitched with my need to grab my gun. I was now completely sure that it would be empty by the time tonight was over. With the heavy security and Cara failing, we were quickly running out of options.
"Tris." I told her, knowing that something needed to be done if we wanted to reach our destination.
"I know." She told me touching Caleb's arm as I grabbed Matthew. We all stopped in the middle of the hallway. "I have an idea. We split up. Caleb and I will run to the lab. Pen, you and Matthew cause some kind of diversion."
"Okay." I nodded at her.
"A diversion?" Matthew frowned.
"Yes." I said pulling out my gun.
"You have a gun, don't you?" Tris told him as if he was being ridiculous. "Fire into the air."
My gun is already aimed above the heads of the people surrounding us. Aiming at a sign down the way, I looked at Tris.
"Do it." She nodded at me.
Without pause, I shot the sign, sparks flying from the metal as it burst apart. At the same moment, Tris gripped Caleb and the pair of them was already sprinting down the hallway. Matthew lifted his gun as well, firing directly above us at one of the glass panels. People are screaming now, glass falling on top of us, shattering as it hit the ground.
Guards are immediately running toward us, making steel run through my veins, my mind already working through my next move. Putting my gun back in the back of my pants, the distraction would last longer if I didn't shoot every one of them. They'd come, but they weren't going to take me. Matthew scooted closer against my side, fear in his eyes, shaking as he briefly touched me. The first guard to reach us moved to grip his arm. Swiftly gripping the guard's wrist, I snapped his arm at the elbow, shoving him to the ground as he exclaimed with pain. Matthew quickly moved behind me, shifting with me as I fought off the guards.
More and more were coming, only then I saw several veer off down the hall leading to the Weapons Lab. Looking at Matthew, he shrugged, not knowing what to do. Pulling my gun back out, I used the butt of it to knock out the nearest guard, looking down at Matthew with a torn look. He puffed out his chest, taking out his gun as well, and nodded at me. In the next second I'm flying down the hallway, ignoring the shouts to stop and drop my weapon. Ahead of me, security guards turned a corner and then another, me following behind them, only then I hear them yell at Tris.
They were so close.
It felt like everything was slowing down and no matter how fast I ran, I wasn't gaining any ground. The guards were still yelling at them, but I knew Tris and I knew that she was moving to plan B. The panic that had momentarily left me was back in full force. My legs burned with how fast I was trying to push them.
"He's my hostage! Come any closer and I'll kill him!"
"Don't do it, Tris!" I yelled in her direction.
"Get down on the floor!" Her voice yelled again.
Turning the corner, I could see guards standing in the hallway, then there is a shot and everyone is in motion. The guards rush past someone on the floor. Caleb. He's clutching his shoulder, writhing with pain. Rushing past him, I knew that Tris hadn't mortally wounded him. She was simply taking his place.
My legs felt like they were going to give out as I finally felt like I was close to Tris. Like I could save her from doing this. I was still several yards behind the guards when other shots were heard. She'd made it to the entrance. When the shots stopped, I knew that she had killed them meaning she was setting the explosives. In the next moment, the walls shook as she triggered them. The guards had reached her, stopping and fired at her. Without slowing, I raised my gun and shot both of them, closing the distance before their bodies hit the floor.
"Tris!" I screamed as I rounded the corner, still moving toward her.
"Stay back!" She yelled at me.
"Tris, don't do this!"
She turned, her hand outstretched, her eyes wide but I was already too far. "Pen, it's already in the air!"
It was too late.
The effects were almost immediate. My body attempted to cough it up, only my lungs felt as if they were sticking together, unable to inflate anymore. Tris had slumped to her knees and I attempted the few steps it would take to reach her. My body felt weighted and each step was agonizing. My eyes attempt to drift shut but I keep them open, holding my breath as I took another step toward Tris. I wanted to say her name but no words would come out. I watched as she put her hand against the floor, pushing herself up. She turned and looked at me, frowning as she shifted toward me. Taking another step, she shook her head, reaching out and pushed me away from her as hard as she could. I stumbled backward, taking in her expression. She was scared and yet determined. But I knew what she wanted. More than that I knew that I didn't want to die. I needed to get away from it. I needed to move.
Turning, I stumbled forward, falling to my knees. For a moment I stayed there, attempting to push air in and out of my lungs. Pushing myself back up onto my feet, I attempted to move away from the vestibule. I needed to move away from it to get away from the serum. My heartbeat was racing in my ears. After another agonizing step, I realized that I hadn't taken a breath in what felt like minutes. Attempting to take one, I found that my lungs would no longer take in the air. My heart continued to race as panic started to take over. Adrenaline flooded my system, only it was useless against the death serum. Lightheadedness started to make the edges of my vision blacken. Again I tried to take a breath, but nothing happened. My heartbeat was slowing. I was listening and feeling, completely aware that I was dying. I could feel every part of me starting to shut down. Oxygen deprivation taking its toll. But I wasn't ready to go. I wasn't done yet. I needed to help Tris and I needed to get her back to Four. I needed to get back to Eric.
Eric.
I needed him. I needed him and now I was going to die without seeing him one last time. You never think the last time you see someone will truly be the last. We'd talked about it. We'd come to terms with the fact that something might happen but that we had to keep going. We had to finish this fight. But I never truly believed that either of us was going to die tonight. I believed that we were going to make it through and live out our lives together and happy. I wanted my happily ever after and now…now I was leaving him. If either of us were going to die, I honestly didn't think it was going to be me. I thought he would do something foolish and get himself killed. Only it was me. I did the foolish thing and here I was, feeling myself die.
My vision continued to blacken, no air filling my lungs, my heartbeat continuing to slow in my ears. All the while I had continued to try and keep moving forward, feeling that if I just got far enough away that I could fight it and that I would be alright. Only then my legs were so heavy I couldn't move anymore. Eric flooded my mind, smiling at me from my memory, comforting me at the end. Making one last effort to take a breath, my vision gone, my eyes fell shut as I fell forward, everything falling away before I hit the ground.