Chapter Twenty-six: Never Let You Go
The plan was in motion.
The truck had been taken and we were on our way to the city. Taking the vials of the memory serum vaccine from my pocket, I rolled them over each other repeatedly as I stared at them. Something didn't feel right. With every passing moment the feeling grew stronger and stronger. Looking at Four and everyone, I attempted to keep my focus, knowing that I needed to be here to make sure that Pen's family and friends were safe from the serum. Four had enough on his plate, if I decided to take off then it would just add more to his. But I wasn't sure I could go through with this.
Snow was swirling outside, lowering our visibility. I could feel the cold coming in through the cracks in the door. Putting the vials back into my pocket, I rubbed my hands together, taking a slow deep breath before checking the gun George had given me. It feels heavier than usual, just adding to the unease that was growing inside of me. Thanks to Tori's brother, we would be clear, no one noticing the missing truck and no one watching us on the monitors. No one other than George.
Staring out the window, we're getting closer to the city. The buildings are dark and ominous as if they know something we don't. Amar is driving fast, trusting the weight of the truck to keep us from slipping and sliding along the road. Then the city lights start to appear in the distance. My stomach turning and all I can think of is Pen. Hoping that she hadn't done anything stupid. I knew she was going to. It wasn't in her to stand idle while things were happening. She'll throw herself into whatever the situation is, especially if it involved the people she cared about.
"I can't believe we're going back." Peter said quietly.
"Me either." Four replied and I'm pretty sure he means it.
I couldn't say the same. I always had a feeling that I'd end up back in the city. I had wanted to leave it behind and everything and everyone that was inside of it. And here I was, returning so I could save the people I had happily left behind. For the briefest of moments my parents entered my mind and I couldn't help but feel angry that if we didn't succeed, they would survive and be able to start over, never remembering what they did to me. Part of me wanted to find them and give them what they deserved, just in case Pen and Tris failed.
Pen.
She wouldn't fail. She wouldn't let Tris fail. She would be okay.
"Everything is going to be okay." Four told me, his knee pressed against mine from us and Peter being stuffed into the back of the truck.
"Sure." I replied.
"They'll be okay. You know they'll get it done. No matter what."
Meeting his eyes, I couldn't help but glare at him. "That's what I'm worried about. I get not wanting to wipe the city. But if the cost is too much then they need to just back off and let it happen."
"That's not them." Christina piped up.
"I know." I replied as I looked out the window again.
There was a long heavy silence before Amar broke it, "Where should we go to find Zeke?"
"Zeke and his mother joined up with the revolt." Four told him. "So wherever most of them are is my best bet."
"Control room people said most of them have taken up residence north of the river, near the Hancock building." Amar replied. "Feel like going zip lining?"
"Absolutely not." Four replied.
Amar laughed. I would have as well if it were under better circumstances.
The truck grew quiet as we kept moving; taking me further from the compound and the feeling to turn back is starting to burn in my gut. My chest felt tight and my heart was racing despite how calm I felt. I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.
"Four." I said looking at him.
Only then Christina interrupted me, "Um…Amar? I hate to say this, but I really need to stop. And…you know. Pee."
"Right now?" Amar asked.
"Yeah. It came on all of a sudden."
He sighed and pulled over to the side of the road.
"You guys stay here, and don't look!" Christina told us as she got out.
She disappeared and then there was the slightest bounce of the truck as she slashed the tires. If you hadn't been expecting anything to happen then you would never notice it. My stomach turned again as she got back in, a small smile on her face.
Amar drove for a few more minutes before anything happened. The truck shuddered and started to bounce like we were going over bumps.
"Shit." Amar said, scowling at the speedometer. "I can't believe this."
"Flat?" Four asked very nonchalantly.
"Yeah." He sighed, easing onto the brakes so the car slipped to a stop by the side of the road.
Four looked at me before telling him, "I'll check it." He jumped out and walked to the back of the truck.
"I'll help him." I added and slid out as well.
Going around to the back, I took in the completely flat tires, flayed by Christina's knife. Four peered through the back windows to make sure there's only one spare.
"It's working." He told me.
"I don't think I can go with you." I blurted out.
He frowned at me, turning so he could face me better. "We don't have time for any doubts, Eric. We're too far away from the compound to turn back now. And I need you with me. I can't do this without you."
"You can." I told him. "You don't need me, Four. But I feel like Pen does."
"She'll be fine." He told me, walking away to tell the others about the tires. "Both back tires are flat and we only have one spare. We're going to have to abandon the truck and get a new one."
"Shit!" Amar exclaimed, smacking the steering wheel. "We don't have time for this. We have to make sure Zeke and his mother and Christina's family are all inoculated before the memory serum is released, or they'll be useless."
"Calm down." I shot at him.
Four looked at me before Amar, "I know where we can find another vehicle. Why don't you guys keep going on foot and I'll go find something to drive?"
Amar's expression brightened. "Good idea."
Before we left the truck, Four and I both re-checked our guns. Everyone piled out of it, shivering as the cold air hit them. Looking at Four, he just raised a brow and shook his head at me. I didn't want to leave him behind, and yet I kept looking back the way we'd come. My body aching to run back to the compound.
Four looked at his watch, "So you need to inoculate them by what time?"
"George's schedule says we've got an hour before we reset the city." Amar replied, checking his watch too, to make sure. "If you want us to spare Zeke and his mother the grief and let them get reset, I wouldn't blame you. I'll do it if you need me to."
Four shook his head, "Couldn't do that. They wouldn't be in pain, but it wouldn't be real."
"As I've always said," Amar smiled, "once a Stiff, always a Stiff."
Frowning at him, I couldn't help but hate that word. I had used the word more than anyone and now that I'd gotten to know Four and Tris, I hated it. After being with Pen, the term just grated and I hated it. Anger and unease was flowing through me and I had to step away from the rest of them.
Pen. Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen. Pen.
Everything was fine. I was worrying for nothing.
Shutting my eyes, I rested my head back against my shoulders, taking a deep breath and pushed it out forcefully. "Everything is fine. She's fine."
"Eric, let's go." Four called to me.
Looking at him, Peter is with him as well. Raising a brow, I sighed and nodded, following as they moved away from the truck. Only, it took just a few minutes of walking to know, without a doubt, I couldn't go through with it. Going with Four was what I should do, but something was wrong. Our women stayed behind to make sure that the memory serum was released. Now we were racing to save those we cared about from the effects of it. The people that Pen cared about. There was no one else I cared about more than her and I told her that I would make sure that those she loved left in the city would receive the inoculation. I promised I wouldn't let her down. I promised that I would see it done. In turn she promised me that she would be okay and that she wouldn't risk herself. She promised she wouldn't do anything stupid. If it went south then she'd run and get everyone with us out of there.
But I knew that that was just wishful thinking. She would run if everyone else ran with her. But she wouldn't abandon anyone. She wouldn't abandon Tris and Tris wouldn't give up for anything. She wouldn't back down and she would make sure that it was done. That was who she was. And I knew who Pen was. She wouldn't let Tris do it alone. She would help her get it done if she asked her to. They've gone back and forth since the day they met but I knew that Pen wouldn't abandon her.
Once she lets you in, there is no leaving.
"She's gonna do something stupid." I whispered as I looked back toward the compound. "Take these." I told Four, holding out the vials from my pocket.
"What are you doing?" He frowned.
"Take them."
"Eric." Four said with an air of panic.
I shook my head at him, "I can't go."
"She'll be fine. They'll both be fine." He stated. Pen was the only reason I'd turn back now. "We're too close to turn back now. We'll get to everyone we need to and we'll get back to them."
"Here." I said forcing the vials into Peter's hand. "You know who to inoculate?"
We'd gone over it just in case something happened. He nodded, "Yeah."
"See it done." I told him with authority.
"I will." He nodded.
Turning to walk away from them, Four gripped my arm. "Eric."
Turning back to him, I frowned at him. "Get it done and get back as soon as you can." He just frowned at me with a question in his eyes. "Something's wrong, Tobias." I told him as I shook my head. "I'll take care of them. Just make sure Peter gets to Claude and Terra and Pen's parents before it's time. And don't forget Simmy."
"You need to come with us." Four told me. "We don't have enough time without you."
"Get it done, Tobias." I told him, pulling out the voice usually reserved for initiates and those I want to fear me.
For a long moment he stared at me, then he nodded, "Fine."
"Something is wrong and if I'm right, we're both wasting too much time. Now go." I told him and stepped back. "Get it done."
"Be careful." He told me, swiftly pulling me into a hug.
"You too." I replied as I hugged him back. "Now go."
For a moment I watched them walk away, nodding at Peter as he glanced over his shoulder. Taking a few steps backward, I turned and took off running. I had no time to spare and I needed to get back there before they moved. Before they did anything stupid. Dread was seeping into me and for a second I couldn't breathe, thinking that I'd get there and she'd be gone. Pushing myself faster, it would take hours to get back and it was already taking too long.
Running as fast as possible, I felt like the snow was melting underneath my feet as I pushed myself faster and faster. Flying across the snow, I felt like I was leaving a trail of white behind me. Even when my legs were numb with the effort to keep the swift pace, I didn't slow down, ignoring the pain and exhaustion. Keeping my mind on Pen, I would do anything to get back to her.
As soon as the gates were in sight, they stood unmanned as I reached them. No one was there to guard them or to stop me. Letting myself into them, I rushed to the compound, bursting through the doors. As soon as I was through, I knew that the serum was out. People were roaming the halls but it was obvious that they had no idea what was going on or what they should be doing. Racing through the halls, I passed several people, all looking dazed and confused. My heart was racing, pounding in my ears as I raced toward the lab.
Up ahead in the hall I could see Caleb and Cara sitting against the wall. Cara's face was bruised and there is a bandage on her head. Both stood and looked at me with sympathy. Caleb wasn't supposed to be alive. Tris had done something stupid.
Where's Pen?
"Where is she?!" I yelled as I reached them.
They just looked at me. Then Cara said my name. The way she said it made ice run through my veins. They would have had to face the death serum in order to get into the lab. Caleb was alive and Cara's tone was already telling me what happened. Racing past them, I turned the corner, seeing the bodies of guards and then another, splayed out on the floor unnaturally.
"Pen!" I yelled. "Pen!" Telling myself to be gentle with her, not wanting to do further damage, when I reached her, I yanked her from her stomach, rolling her into my arms with such force I thought I'd hurt her. "Baby." I said looking at her. Her eyes were shut, looking as peaceful as she did when she was sleeping soundly. "Pen."
Putting my ear next to her mouth, nothing was passing her lips. I felt as if my chest was caving in. Unable to breathe, I let my head fall back, the tears coming faster than I ever thought possible. Then I was screaming. Screaming my agony as I started to rock her. For a moment I buried my face in her chest, sobbing as I clutched her against me. Pressing my ear against it, all I wanted was to feel it rise and fall, hear the sound of her strong heart.
My sobs stopped as fast as they started, gripping her tighter against me. My eyes shot open as I heard her heart beating. It was slower than it should be, but it was beating. Lowering her to the ground, I tilted her head back, pinching off her nose and breathed into her. If her heart was still beating then I could get her to breathe again. She would breathe again. She would never leave me.
"Eric." Cara said as she stepped forward. "Is she…?"
"Not yet." I replied before giving her another breath.
"Cara!" Caleb cried.
She swiftly moved away from us, going into the lab. There was murmuring and I looked over my shoulder to see a very disoriented David. It served him right. He should have been killed. Tris should have killed him.
"Is she all right?" I called in between breaths. "You're gonna be okay." I told Pen. "Everything is gonna be okay." No one was saying anything behind me. "Cara! Is Tris all right?!"
Caleb came out then, pale with tears running down his cheeks. I can see blood on his hands and I knew then that Tris was not okay. Missing a breath as I took it in, I kept breathing for Pen. I would breathe for her for the rest of my life if I had to. If Tris was gone there was no way in hell I was letting Pen go. Or maybe it would be more fair that way. If Tris was dead then Four would be too. If Pen died then we'd once again be in the same boat.
But I was too selfish for that.
"Come on, baby." Breath. "Please, Pen." Breath.
Soon there were more steps and a group of people came racing around the corner. They were ours. Some held the medical bags I'd grown to recognize. Arms were on my shoulders and I was pulled backward. An ambu bag was placed over her mouth, continuously being squeezed, watching as her chest rose and fell. Then they had a stretcher and she was being put on top of it.
"What are you doing?" I asked, feeling like everything was happening in slow motion. "Where are you taking her?" They didn't seem to be listening to me. "Hey!" I yelled, gripping the arm of one. "Tell me what's happening!"
They stopped and turned to me, putting their hand on my arm. "We're taking her to the hospital. Please let us take care of her." It took me a long moment to comprehend what she was telling me. She sighed and gripped my hand tightly. "I'll send someone back for the body."
Then she was gone, leaving me to watch as they took Pen away, all talking to each other as they tended to her. I needed to be where she was. But now the nurse's words were repeating over and over in my head.
The body.
Turning toward the lab, I took slow steps until I'm through the vestibule. I see Cara kneeling next to a small form. Tris. There is blood. So much blood. Moving forward, Tris's face appears, looking just as in sleep as Pen did. But Pen's heart is beating. She's alive. I can tell by the paleness and the amount of blood that Tris will not share her fate.
Cara turned her head and looked up at me, "She's gone."
Feeling a surge of anger, I gripped Cara's shoulder and yanked her away. Dropping to my knees, I took Tris's shoulders, shaking her more violently than I had intended. "What were you thinking?!" I yelled at her. "Why would you do this?!"
"Eric!" Cara screamed, gripping my shoulder.
Throwing her off of me, I bent over, covering my eyes with one hand while the other rested against her abdomen. Sobbing, I looked at her face, putting my hand against it as I shook my head. Lifting her into my arms, I cradled her against my chest, sobbing into her small form. Something Four always cherished about her.
"Eric." Cara said again, tentatively putting her hand on my shoulder. Shaking my head as I looked up at her, she dropped to her knees and pulled my head against her chest as she wrapped her arms around me. "I know." She told me with a sad tone. "Eric, I know."
After they came to take her away, I went to the med area. From the hallway, I could hear the same voices that had taken Pen from me. Moving toward them, I was stopped by a nurse, telling me that I couldn't see her. Not yet. In my head I understood and nodded, intending to go sit in the waiting room, but in the next second she was slammed against the wall, my hand around her neck.
"Let me see her." I told her dangerously.
"Eric!" Hazel yelled, pulling on my shoulder. "Let her go!"
Then two guards are there. Releasing her, I turned and hit the guard closest to me. The other landed a punch against my jaw before I slammed my fist into his stomach, hearing the satisfying rush of air as it left his lungs. The first had recovered and I was hit over the head. Falling to my knees, I was momentarily dazed before I was on my feet gripping his fist as it flew toward my face. Punching him hard, two more guards appeared and I was forced to the floor, my arms being bent forcefully behind my back.
"Calm down." One told me.
"Is she okay?" I asked. "Tell me if she's okay!"
"What's going on?" Doc said rushing forward. "Let him up."
Getting to my feet, I turned to her, "Please."
She nodded and sighed. "She's alive, but I'm not done assessing her." Nodding, I fought the tears in my eyes. She put her hand against my face, making me look at her, "Just give me a little more time."
Nodding again, I wiped a tear from my cheek. "Okay."
She nodded and jogged back to where Pen was. For a moment everything slowed down and I felt lightheaded. Then there was a hand on my shoulder. Looking at who it belonged to, Cara was offering me a small smile. I wanted return to it and let her comfort me, but anger flooded my veins and I gripped her, slamming her against the wall, my hands firmly on her arms.
"Eric." She said with fear.
"What happened? What went wrong?" I asked giving her a jerk.
"Eric, please." She said as she attempted to push me away from her.
"How long were you in that hall before you even thought of checking on her?! On Tris?!" I bellowed.
"I had just found Caleb. He was huddled against the wall. I hadn't had time to check on them yet." She told me. "You're hurting me, Eric." My grip on her tightened as I clenched my teeth. "Eric, Pen wouldn't want this." She told me gently. "She wouldn't want you to lose yourself."
For a moment I imagined slamming her against the wall, reminding her how the woman I love could be dying just feet away from us. But Pen wouldn't want that. She was right. Instead, I calmed at her words, letting her go. She rubbed her arms and was looking at me with fear as she took slow steps away from me.
"I'm sorry." I told her.
"It's okay." She told me. "I can't imagine what you're going through."
"Cara, I'm sorry." I told her again.
She nodded, "When Will died, I wasn't there. I didn't see it happen or have to wait for it to happen. It was already over and done with. His death hurt more than I ever thought possible. This has to be ten times worse for you, Eric. I can try to understand it but I can't imagine what it feels like."
Nodding, I felt tears in my eyes again. "Where would they take Tris?" I asked.
She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly before she stepped up to me, putting her hand on my arm. "Come on. I'll take you to her."
Nodding yet again, I followed her down the hall and away from the room. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." She smiled at me.
She led me to a small white medical room with a few beds lined in the center of the room. Tris was on top of the middle one, still dead and bloody. Part of me hoped that it had been some sort of nightmare. Just one more simulation that these people wanted to put us through.
But this was real. This was happening. She was gone. Cara stood against the wall crying as I went to the nearby sink and filled a bowl of warm water, grabbing a towel. Walking back to Tris, I started to clean the blood from her body.
"You shouldn't have been there, Tris." I told her. "You should have let Caleb do it. He should be dead and you should be alive." Hearing Cara softly sobbing, I shut my eyes, trying not to let grief take me over. "Pen is alive, Tris. She's alive and I hope it was because of you. You both are selfless and I know that you would have stopped her if you could. I appreciate that." I said softly as I ran the cloth across her skin. "But you're also a fool for leaving Tobias. What is he going to do? This will ruin him. You've left him alone."
Staying long enough to clean her, I was anxious to get back to the love of my life. Leaving Cara with her, I went back to the med area, only to be once again denied access to Pen. There was a window to the room she was in but the curtain was still drawn so I couldn't see anything that was happening inside. Sitting in one of the chairs in the hall, I waited for them to tell me what was happening. She had to be all right. She had to pull through this. Slouching forward, I ran my hand back and forth across my hair, fighting the tears that wanted to fall. I knew something was wrong. I was scared. I'd never been this scared. Even when I'd thought I'd killed her…this felt different. I was so fucking scared I didn't know what to do. What was I supposed to do?
"Eric!"
Looking up, Ainsley was running toward me. "She's alive." I told her quickly as I stood.
She moved to run forward but I gripped her arm. She stopped and frowned up at me, "Eric."
"We can't see her." I told her, sitting down again. "They're not done assessing her yet."
She sat next to me, her hand finding my shoulder. "She'll be okay." I nodded, staring at my hands. "She loves you." She added, attempting to sound positive. "She'll never leave you."
Nodding, I took a deep breath. "She may not have a choice."
"She's Pen. She doesn't let anyone tell her what to do or what she's capable of."
Running my hand down my face, I looked toward the curtain where she was. "I need her."
Ainsley wrapped her arm around me, nodding, "I know. I also know that she will come back to you. She has plans and every last one of them is with you."
I attempted to offer her a smile, but before I could, Doc appeared from the room in front of me, pulling gloves from her hands. "Eric."
"How is she?" I asked as I wiped the sweat from my palms, getting to my feet.
She smiled at me sadly, "You need to prepare yourself."
Tears immediately filled my eyes, "Why?" I asked.
"She's alive, Eric. She will stay alive. But right now she is unable to breathe for herself." She explained. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded at her. "There is a tube in her throat that is breathing for her. Without it, she will die. But her vitals are stable for the moment. We're hoping she'll recover and start breathing on her own. As soon as that happens she will hopefully wake up. But there are no guarantees." My eyes drift to Uriah in the next room. He's never going to wake up. She noticed. "His situation is different, Eric. He was involved in an explosion. Pen is more than likely suffering the effects of…" It was obvious she didn't want to say it.
"Death serum." I finished for her.
"I don't know how she's alive." She told me. "Eric, I've never had to deal with this because no one survives the death serum."
"Two people did." I frowned at her. "Pen and Tris."
"Tris?" She frowned.
"She didn't die because of the serum; she died because of the gunshot wounds." I told her, feeling my anger boiling. She sighed, offering me a sympathetic smile and nodded. "Can I see her?"
She nodded and motioned toward the room, the curtain still closed. Swiftly going in, I slipped inside, freezing as I took in the woman I loved. She was now gowned and covered to her chest, her arms at her sides, and a tube sticking out of her mouth. It was being kept in place with a stripe of plastic, the tube protruding from the center of it. There was the beeping of monitors and the sound of the machine that was pushing air in and out of her lungs. Stepping up to her, I pulled a chair next to the bed. Taking a slow deep breath, I picked up her hand. It was warm and I could feel the callouses against my palm. Bringing it to my lips, I pressed a kiss against the top of it. In the next moment I was sobbing, holding her hand against me, I dropped my head against her side as I brought my other to her hair.
"Please, Pen." I sobbed. "Please wake up."
Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I jerked back, thinking it was Ainsley only to see Hazel. She reached her hand out, putting it against her sister's leg. My anger spiked and I shoved her back, the curtain being taken to the ground with her as she fell.
"Get away from her!" I yelled. "You don't get to touch her!"
"Eric!" Ainsley said rushing toward me.
"She needs to be kept away from her." I told the guards as they stepped toward me.
"Eric, stop it." Ainsley told me, only then her eyes are on Pen. "Oh God." She said as tears started to stream, her hand moving to her mouth as she stepped toward her friend. "Pen?"
"She's gonna be fine." I told her quickly. Then I was looking at Hazel, "Stay away from her."
"She's my sister." She frowned.
"She stopped being your sister a long time ago. Go find Caleb. He can tell you what it feels like to lose your sister. Because you're never going to be a part of Pen's life."
"Eric…" She said reaching out to me.
Gripping her wrist, I yanked her to her feet before shoving her toward the door. "Get out."
"Eric." Cara said appearing.
"What?" I shot at her.
"Tobias is back."
Feeling like my body was being weighted down, I sunk to my knees. "Has anyone told him?"
"No." She replied. "I was thinking you should."
"What?" I shot at her, getting back to my feet. "You're going to put this on me?"
"You're his friend." She stated.
Looking at Pen, Ainsley was clutching her hand. Sighing, I knew Pen would want me to do it. Or at least be there for him when he found out. She would support him in anything and with her unable to be there for him, it was left to me. Stepping back up to Pen, I took her hand, leaning down and pressed a long kiss against her forehead before pressing mine against it.
"Please, Eric?" Cara said softly.
Looking up at her, I nodded, kissing Pen's forehead once more before I followed her from the room. Moving swiftly, I was terrified to face him, and I didn't want to do it in front of everyone. I wanted to tell him with as few eyes on us as possible. This wasn't going to go well. I'd been around death for as long as I could remember and I never cared about what it meant to those it affected. Only now I understood. I understood how painful it was. I understood and I didn't want to face it. I didn't want to look in Four's eyes and tell him that the love of his life was dead.
Following Cara, we moved outside, seeing Four and Amar walking through the security checkpoint. It's now abandoned. Unable to meet his eyes just yet, we stop and wait for them to reach us. Cara looked like she's about to breakdown. Her badly bruised face and the bandage around her head aren't doing her any favors right now.
"What are you gonna say to him?" She asked me softly.
"The truth." I replied. "I'm going to be honest with him. It'll be worse if the news is prolonged."
She nodded. "I'm sorry about Pen."
"There's nothing to be sorry for, she's gonna be fine." I replied shortly.
Seeing her expression out of the corner of my eye, I can tell she thinks I'm in denial. That I haven't come to terms with her fate. But I have. She survived death and just needs time to heal and she'll wake up and everything will be fine. No one else was going to die. Not even those who deserved it.
Realizing that I was getting caught up in my own head, I cleared my throat, repeatedly blinking to make Four come into focus again. He's frowning at me, making my stomach drop. "Did you succeed?" I asked him.
"What is it?" He replied. Cara shook her head and his eye met mine. He's afraid. He has every reason to be afraid. "Where's Tris?"
Taking a deep breath, I bowed my head before meeting his eyes again. Only before I can say anything Cara spoke.
"I'm sorry, Tobias."
"Sorry about what?" Christina asked roughly. "Tell us what happened!"
"Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb," Cara explained. So much for me attempting to lessen the blow. "She survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but she…" She paused now and looked up at me.
Taking another deep breath, letting it out slowly, the words already felt like ash in my mouth. I didn't want to say them. But he had to know. "She was shot, Tobias. She didn't survive." He just looked at me, trying to tell himself that it was some sort of lie. That this was just some stupid lie that we were telling and that Tris was fine. "She's dead, Tobias." I told him. He needed to hear the words. He couldn't hold on to the possibility of her coming back. "She's gone."
"No." Christina frowned, shaking her head. "No way. There has to be some mistake."
Cara's eyes welled with tears and I can't hide the tears in mine either. I shook my head, not trusting my voice. They know Tris and therefore could believe that she would go in Caleb's place. It was just who she was.
Four met my eyes and we're staring at each other. Everything else seemed to fall away, my breathing prominent in my ears as I let the news sink in. I wanted to tell him about Pen. Tell him that she was fighting for her life but was still clinging to it. But it sounded like the most selfish thing I could possibly say to him right now. He lost the love of his life while mine may still survive. I suddenly didn't want to tell him. He already looked so broken.
Christina is yelling something, but I'm still too focused on Four to listen to her and it's obvious that he's no longer present. He's already drowning from the news and I don't have any way to lessen the blow he's been dealt. I've thought Pen dead before. I understood what he was feeling. But somehow I'd always been lucky. She was returned to me, twice, alive. Tris was dead. She was dead and she was never coming back. He couldn't hold on to hope that she would come back. She was here and she was dead.
"I'm so sorry." I told him softly. Christina was now hunched over, her grief spilling out. Cara swiftly embraced her. "There's more." I added. I watched as he slowly became present again, his brows furrowing. He clenched his jaw and I knew that he couldn't handle any more. But he had to know. "Pen…" I started, feeling my throat tighten. His brows furrowed further and shaking started to take him over. "Pen is in trouble." I told him as tears filled my eyes. "She's alive but she…she can't…" Bowing my head, I couldn't stop the silent sob that took me over. Taking a deep breath, I met his eyes again, tears hot on my cheeks. "She can't breathe on her own." I finally got out. He hadn't moved an inch. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Tobias…" I'm crying now and I don't know what else to say to him.
I don't really recall when Cara started to lead the way back inside. Four stood between Christina and me, our shoulders touching. I know where we're going. I know what we're about to see. He needed to see it to believe it. I had seen her and I couldn't imagine how much worse it was going to be for him.
Stepping into the small room, Christina rushed to Tris's side, taking her hand sobbing over the body of her best friend. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. We had a plan and it should have gone down the way we imagined it would. Then Tris would be alive and both her and Pen would be in our arms with smiles as kisses and loving embraces were shared. We had a plan. Now look at us. Four was forced to say goodbye to the girl…woman…he loved while I was left to linger in hopes that mine would somehow survive. We already knew that there were no guarantees. Uriah was proof of that. He was never going to wake up and now Pen was in a very similar situation. The only difference was the cause of her condition. It felt worse since it was due to a serum that these people had concocted. A serum that no one had ever survived. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. We had a plan.
Watching Four step up to Tris's body, he took her hand and I can see that it's sinking in. Staying back, I gripped one wrist in front of me, stray tears still falling down my cheeks despite the hard expression I was attempting to hold. But I wasn't that hard person anymore. I wasn't one to manipulate and chastise. Because of one woman I had been shown who I could be, who I wanted to be. Because of her I was a better man who had gone from being alone to being surrounded by friends who had become family. I'd never thought it possible before her. Now she was fighting for her life and I couldn't even think of what I'd become without her. I already hurt people and she wasn't gone. Not yet. But I was afraid. I was afraid for her and that was all consuming.
My tears were renewed and I bowed my head, silently crying while Christina's sobs filled my ears. Then there was the sound of despair and I looked up to see Four start to sink to the floor. Rushing forward, I gripped his shoulders, stopping him from crashing to it. Keeping my arm around him, I followed him to the floor, leaning against his side as he started to cry. It was light at first, only then they intensified, the sounds escaping him filling me, making it impossible to hold back my own sobs that mixed with his.
I stayed with my arm around him, gripping his shoulder, until the sobs had stopped. Wanting to give him space, I moved to the wall and waited for him to tell me what he needed. He stayed on the floor for a long time, still gripping Tris's hand in his. I felt weak and tired. Just the sight of him was painful. I wanted to make it more bearable but knew that there was nothing I could say or do. He would be in pain for a long time. The pain would never go away, not really. He would simply have to learn to live with it.
I didn't want to live with it. I didn't want to have to feel what he was feeling. I didn't want this to be foreshadowing for what I was going to look like. Bringing my knees up, I put my elbow on top of one, resting my head in my palm as I started to cry again. I'd never cried so much in my life. I'd never let anything in long enough to cause me pain. But I'd let her in. Pen. I'd let Pen in and she had become everything to me. I didn't know that a person could mean so much to me. To realize that this one person held all of you and your entire life depended on that person. Pen was my life and to feel as if that life was slipping away was more unbearable than anything I'd yet to experience. I now knew, looking at Four, that I would be ten times worse. If I thought seeing him go through this was painful then I knew I'd never live without Pen. I'd have to be put down to end my suffering. For the good of everyone.
The tears hadn't stopped when Four was suddenly standing in front of me. I looked up at him, trying to get myself under control. "I want to see her." He told me with a raspy voice.
Nodding, I got to my feet, walking the familiar route to the med area. A new certain had been put up in her room since I'd left and I faltered, knowing what I was going to see but not quite ready for it. Four moved forward, disappearing behind the curtain. I was still outside of it, unable to move. Taking a deep breath, I took a step, and then Four's cries once again filled my ears. My chest tightened and I fell to my knees, covering my ears as I pressed my forehead against the floor. I couldn't hear him cry anymore.