Chapter Twenty-Seven: Come Back To Me
Unsure how it happened, days had passed and Pen had yet to wake up. I sat with her. I held her hand. I did everything I thought I possibly could and despite that she still just laid there. No matter how much I begged for her to wake up she just – she just…laid there. They kept telling me over and over again that she was stable but still unable to breathe for herself. That they were still hopeful that she would recover and wake up but that I would need to be patient and come to terms with the possibility that she may never wake up. But that was a load of bullshit. They could tell me that a thousand times and I wouldn't believe it. She just needed time to work the serum out of her system. She just needed to work it through and she would come back to me.
To make it worse, I couldn't keep myself reined in. I ended up spending a day in a cell for the safety of everyone. Going off like a bomb whenever someone told me something I didn't want to hear. Not only that but when someone appeared to see her that had no right to see her. I knew I was wrong and that I needed to control my temper but I couldn't seem to do it. In my head I was always in control but my body never followed suit. I'd try and stay calm and in the next second someone was bleeding on the floor and I was once again being detained.
Pen would be disappointed in me. She wouldn't want me to be like this. She would want me to be supportive of our friends and family. She would want me to be the better man and rise above my own feelings. If she knew Tris's fate then she would want me to be there for Four and help him through this. She wouldn't want me to be sitting at her side, staring at her, when there was nothing I could do for her. She would want me to keep moving and do what needed to be done. To be patient and wait for her to come back to me. She would want more from me. More that I wasn't sure I could give her.
Having been released, I was once again at Pen's side. Dipping the cloth into the warm water, I started to clean her skin, not wanting her to look too fragile or weak. The nurses were taking excellent care of her and Ainsley had even helped me wash her hair, hitting my hand away as I rubbed strands of it between my fingers. She had been here nearly as much as me, never saying a word. The silence between us was more comforting than anything else.
Four showed up periodically throughout the day, unable to sit still long. His grief was all consuming and even though Pen was alive, he couldn't bring himself to linger long. I couldn't blame him. Part of me felt like he resented me. His love was gone and mine was here. But she wasn't really here. She was alive but still…she wasn't really here.
"They should be here soon." Cara told me as I once again sat and stared at her.
"Her friends?" Ainsley asked.
"Her family." I corrected. "I don't know what I'm going to tell them. They've all lost so much, to see Pen this way I just…" I sighed and looked up at Cara. "I don't know what to say or do."
"Just stick with the truth." Ainsley told me.
Nodding, I ran my hand across Pen's hair, kissing the top of her hand. "I promised I'd take care of her."
"You are taking care of her, Eric." Cara frowned, putting her hand on my shoulder. "You're doing everything you can."
"Which is nothing." I shot at her. "I can't do a goddamn thing for her."
She sighed and ran her hand down the back of my head. "You're holding her hand. You're talking to her, letting her know you're here. If she can hear you, I think that that would be what matters to her. I think she needs to work through whatever that serum did to her and then she'll return to you." Moving her arm around me, she gave me a gentle squeeze. "We all know she's crazy about you. We've seen the proof."
A small laugh escaped me, making me smile up at her. The sound had been nonexistent the past few days. Not to mention smiling. "Thank you."
"If you want, I can go wait for your family and fill them in on everything." Ainsley told me. "There's a lot to explain and you've been doing a lot of that lately. Let me do it this time."
Meeting her eyes, emotion started to fill me. I was so sick of feeling and yet I couldn't seem to be able to stay numb. "You'd do that?"
"Of course." She replied with furrowed brows. "I adore Pen and mostly like you." She added with a smirk.
Laughing again, I wiped the tears that were welling in my eyes. "Thank you, Ainsley. I would very much appreciate that."
"Then it's done." She smiled. She walked around the bed and briefly wrapped her arms around me, pressing a kiss onto the top of my head. "Stay strong for her, okay? It's not over yet."
Gripping her arm, I leaned into her, shutting my eyes and I let in the comfort of her embrace. Then she was gone, leaving me alone with Pen. Sighing, I forced a smile onto my face, reaching my hand up and gently caressing her face.
"All I can do is sit here and talk to you." I told her. "Claude and the others will be here soon. Maybe having all of us here will help you come out of this faster." Swallowing a lump in my throat, I kissed her hand again, standing long enough to press a kiss against her forehead. "God I wish I could kiss you. I'm just as addicted to your lips as you are to mine. I blame you for that." I told her, smiling before it was erased as my emotions started to spill out of me again. "I would give anything to feel your lips against mine. To have you squeeze my hand and look at me with those hazel eyes I adore so much. You look at me and I can see everything." Running my hand down my face, wiping the tears away, I took a deep breath. "I wish now more than ever that I'd gotten you pregnant. It would have been the perfect reason to lock you away from the danger for the sake of our child. I wish we would have had them marry us before we'd set our plans in motion. I wish a lot of things, Pen.
"I miss you. I miss you so much and yet you're right here in front of me. But you're somewhere else. I wish I knew where you were so I could help you. I wish I could somehow go wherever you are and lead you back. Because you need to come back, baby. I need you more than anything and if you die…" Feeling the sobs bubbling to the surface, I gripped her hand tighter, wringing it in hopes of bringing her back to me. "You can't, okay? You can't die on me, Pen. I won't allow it. I love you, Pen. I love you so damn much that if you die I will never be okay again. I will never be able to survive in a world where you no longer exist. Do you hear me? Penelope Farrier, do you hear me?"
Nothing happened.
Burying my face in the sheets, I sobbed, sobbing harder than I had yet. I felt like every moment that passed and she just laid there, she was getting farther and farther away from me. She was always so worried that something would happen to me. She probably didn't even take into consideration that something would happen to her. I was the one who was always getting into trouble. The trouble she caused was never enough to draw attention. She wasn't as deliberate as I was and now it was her who was paying for it.
"I knew something was wrong." I told her, getting myself under control. "I could feel it and I waited too long." Taking a deep breath, I trailed my fingers up and down her arm. "This is my fault. This is all my fault."
"None of this is your fault."
I tensed before looking over my shoulder. Doc was standing there, leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed. I didn't say anything to her.
"We both know that she's stubborn." She went on. "We both also know that no one can tell her what to do. And no one has ever loved as hard and as deep as her."
"Stop." I said softly.
"I'm only saying what you already know. What you've already told her. The mind is an amazing thing, Eric. She will never leave you. She's be too afraid that you'd go right back to the monster you used to be."
I spun out of my chair, turning to her, yelling, "I already have!"
She smiled at me sadly, "I know what you're going through. I know what you're feeling. It sucks."
I nodded, "Yeah." Turning, I sat back down, taking Pen's hand, hugging it against my chest as I put my head in my hand.
"You're tired, Eric. I can give you something for that."
"No." I replied quickly. "I can't miss it if something happens."
She sighed and stepped to her other side. I watched her check her vitals, my stomach turning, my heart racing, waiting for her to say something other than the shit they'd been feeding me since this she was brought here.
She sighed again, "Nothing is going to happen, Eric. You need to get some sleep.
In the next moment, the chair I had been sitting it was across the room. "Then do something for her!" I bellowed at her.
Guards were immediately in the room, their guns ready, knowing that they were prepared to take me down at a moment's notice. Doc held her hand up, making them step back. Then she was stepping toward me.
"Do something for her." I told her as calmly as I could muster.
"I've done everything I can for her." She told me. "I've already told you that I've never treated someone who's taken in the death serum because –"
"No one has survived the death serum before." I interrupted, nodding at her.
"You have to be patient." She told me softly.
"I'm trying!" I yelled at her.
"Then try harder." She told me with the first hint of annoyance. "I've done what I can do for her. What are you doing for her, Eric?"
"What can I do?" I shot at her. "What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
"You be here for her but you also need to be here for those she cares about. They shouldn't have to hear it secondhand from someone who they don't even know."
"They don't know me either." I retorted. "They hate me."
"But they love her!" She yelled at me. "They love the same girl that you do. That is what you need to think about. In this moment it is not all about you. It's about her. It's about doing what she would want you to do. She's not gone, Eric!"
"She's not here either!" I yelled back. "Tell me how I'm supposed to do this! Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with losing her! How am I supposed to even start to let her go?!"
"We're not there yet." She told me as she stepped closer to me. "Do you hear me, Eric? We are not there yet. I haven't even begun to give up on her. But I also don't have all the answers."
I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, calming down. "I know."
"I'm sorry I don't have all the answers. I would love to be able to tell you that I've seen this before and that I'm optimistic about her condition. I would love that. But I can't. I will not tell you something just to make you feel better. It'll make it worse if – if she…"
"I know. I understand." I nodded at her.
She nodded back at me, "Now go do the right thing."
Nodding, I turned to Pen, leaning down and pressed a kiss against her forehead before resting mine against it. "I'm sorry for my behavior." I whispered to her. "I'll do better."
Turning, I slowly moved away from her, hating every step I took. Every step took me further from her, anxious filling me, terrified that something happened the second I wasn't with her. A small part of me almost envied Four. There was a sense of closure in death. He wasn't holding on for anything. She was gone and there was nothing he could do. Pen was still alive and with Doc's voice in my head telling me that she hadn't given up on her. There was still a chance and I latched on to that chance. I held onto it so hard that I couldn't accept the fact that she may still die. I knew it was true but the hope of that chance kept me going. As long as there was a chance.
Moving toward the entrance, I had no idea what I was going to say. How was I supposed to tell them that Pen couldn't breathe on her own? How was I supposed to tell them that there was a chance that she could die? But Doc was right. It was the right thing to do. Pen would want me to do it and I would do anything for her. I loved her. I loved her too damn much and I'd already disappointed her more that I wanted to admit.
"Eric." Ainsley said with surprise as I stepped next to her.
"I should tell them." I nodded at her. "She would want me to."
"You don't have to do this, Eric." She replied gently.
"I know." I replied. "But she deserves better. Her family deserves better."
She briefly took my hand. "Okay."
When the truck pulled up, George got out of the driver's seat, looking at me sadly. Sighing, my nose was already stinging with emotion as I nodded back at him. I didn't know what had happened in the truck but whatever it was made emotion just flow off of him. I hated it. I hated all of this. I hated what was about to happen most.
Claude was the second out, rushing toward me. "Eric!" She cried with a grin, throwing her arms around my neck.
Squeezing her tightly, I didn't want to let her go. If I did then I would be time to tell her that her best friend was on deaths door.
"I am so happy to see you." She told me, taking my head in her hands. Giving her a small smile, she knew that something was wrong. She let me go, her hands sliding down my chest. "What is it?"
"Eric." Terra said and her arms were around me.
I had to fight tears as I embraced her. She was small, making me think of Tris, squeezing her tightly as I attempted not to crush her in the process.
"Terra." I said softly.
"I'm glad you're okay." She told me just as softly.
Pulling her away from me, I looked up at the pair that was standing behind them. Both of them were looking at me expectantly and yet seemed unsure. Gripping Claude's hand, I stepped toward them. Squeezing Claude's hand, she whispered my name, making me have to consciously think about letting her go, settling for just loosening my grip.
"What's going on?" Claude asked, hugging my arm to her chest. "Where's Pen?"
I met her eyes, grateful that I wasn't crying yet. But I knew that that would change as soon as the words started to come out of my mouth. But I had to tell them. Looking at Pen's parents, I stepped toward them.
"Lilian." I said gently. "Patrick."
"Eric." Patrick said as Lillian just stared at me. "Where's our daughter?"
Nodding, I had to swallow the lump in my throat.
"What happened, Eric?" Lilian asked me.
"She – uh – she did something stupid." I told her. I didn't know how else to start.
Claude's hand started to shake in mine. Rubbing the top of it with my thumb, I kept looking at Lilian. She was the same height as Pen. Her hair was the same color as her daughters. Her eyes were nearly the same hazel color as the woman I loved with all of me. She was what Pen would look like when we got older. All I could think of was Pen. I needed Pen. I needed to get back to her. But before I could do that, I had to tell her family what happened.
"Eric." Claude said softly, rubbing my arm.
Looking at her, I put my hand against the side of her head, pulling her to me so I could press a kiss against her forehead. When I leaned away, she was looking at me with a horrified expression. Sighing, I brushed her cheek with my thumb before facing her parents again.
"Did George tell you anything about what happened here?" I asked them.
"He said that David was going to reset the city." Patrick replied.
Nodding, I took another deep breath. "Our counter attack was to release it on the Compound." I told them. "Me and Four and a handful of others were supposed to inoculate our friends and family in case Tris and Pen and a handful of others failed here." Pausing, I ran my hand down my face. "Something didn't feel right so I came back. Tris's brother was supposed to be the one to blow up the vestibule to the weapons lab. But I found Caleb in the hallway. He was alive." I paused again, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I found Pen on the floor." I stopped again, attempting to force the tears from falling from my eyes. "She had gone after Tris who had taken her brother's place."
"Eric." Claude said as she shifted in front of me.
Meeting her eyes, a tear slid down my cheek. "The death serum stood between them and the weapons lab. Death stood between them and the memory serum they were supposed to release."
"No!" Lilian said and would have fallen to her knees if her father hadn't caught her.
Patrick was staring at me, "Is she dead?"
"No." I said airily. "No. She's alive. But she – she can't – she can't breathe on her own."
"My baby!" Lilian screamed as she made it to her knees, Patrick's grip on her failing.
"She's stable." I told them.
"And Tris?" Patrick asked.
"She was shot by David when she went and deployed the memory serum. She died." I told them, my shaking had intensified and tears were now falling down my cheeks.
"Four?" Claude asked.
"He's not doing well." I replied. Then I was looking at Patrick again. "I'm so sorry." I told him, starting to cry harder. "I am so, so very sorry."
Claude wrapped her arms around me. Then Terra was on my other side.
"Can we see her?" Patrick asked.
"Of course." I nodded.
"Lilian." He said and picked her up off the floor.
"Is she still angry?" Lilian asked after gaining some control.
Looking at her, I frowned, "No. She's not angry. She's just…"
"Just what?" Patrick asked.
"She's still hurting about the last time you saw her."
"It's our fault." Lilian cried. "Patrick, we did this. We should have told her."
"I know." He replied.
"She wants to make it right." I told them. "She hasn't said it and hasn't once tried to see what your time here was like, but you're her parents. She loves you."
"Take us to her." Claude told me.
Nodding, I wrapped my arm around her, leaning into her as I started to walk. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, making her constantly attempt to wipe them away. My own were still falling, my shaking having yet to subside.
Leading them to the hospital, my chest felt heavy and my body felt weighted. I wanted to get back to her. I wanted to be with her. But I didn't think I could handle hearing her family cry over her. I couldn't handle the pain and agony that I was about to endure.
When we reached her room, I stepped in and to her side. Claude started to sob, making me turn her into me. Burying my face in her neck, I sobbed into her. We were both shaking now, sobbing into each other. She gripped me so tight and it was amazing how comforting it was to have her here. I didn't think it would make much of a difference but now that she was here, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to let her go.
A hand gripped my shoulder and I looked at Terra. I swiftly embraced her as well, happy that she was here. Letting her go, I was looking at Pen's parents again. Stepping toward them, tears were hot against my cheeks.
"I'm sorry." I told her father. "I should have come back sooner. I should have been protecting her."
He shook his head, putting his hand on my shoulder. "I know that you did everything you could."
I shook my head as the tears came faster. He gripped my shoulder tightly as tears filled his eyes. In the next second his arms were around me, hugging me tightly. It took me a long moment to hug him back. I'd never felt a father's embrace. Feeling myself start to give into it, I was once again breaking down. Gripping fistfuls of his shirt, I cried with him. Then Lilian's arms were around me as well, feeling her press against my back. Her head nestling between my shoulder blades. I loved when Pen hugged me from behind, feeling her head in the same spot as her mother's was now. It only fueled the emotion that was spilling from me. I was so sick of crying and yet I couldn't seem to stop myself.
"I'm scared." I told them, the words slipping from me without knowing I was going to say them. "I'm so scared for her."
Her father's grip on me tightened before they both let me go. He put his hand on the side of my head making me momentarily tense, expecting the worst even though it was done with kindness. "She'll be okay. She's a fighter." I nodded at him. "And if she's proven anything, it's that she'll do anything to be with you. Even conquer death."
Smiling, I wrapped my arms around him again, then led him to his daughter's side. Leaning down, I pressed a kiss against Pen's forehead, once again taking her hand. "Everyone's here, baby."
As her mother stepped forward, she momentarily doubled over, Patrick quickly embracing her to keep her steady. Furrowing my brows, I held my hand out to her, tensing again as she swiftly and tightly gripped it. She kept it as she stepped to Pen's other side, taking her hand.
"Oh, my baby." She cried, leaning down and pressed her face against her daughter's, sobbing into her ear. "My sweet baby."
Watching her was heartbreaking. Patrick had his hand against her leg, his other across his eyes as he dipped his chin, sobbing as well. Sinking down into my chair, I wrung Pen's hand, staring at the rise and fall of her chest as I attempted to avoid looking at her parents. It was too hard.
"Is Tris she really dead?" Lilian asked. "Did she take in the death serum?"
I nodded, my jaw tight, pushing down the tears of grief for the life we lost. "She managed to push through it and she released the serum."
"Were they close?" She asked next.
I nodded. "She was an amazing person. She was a rival turned family to Pen; and Pen would have done just about anything to protect her. She probably thought if Tris could overcome the death serum than she could too. She nearly did. Something happened though and now…" I said running my hand along Pen's hair. "They say there is still a chance. I'm holding onto that. I won't let her leave me."
"She loves you." Patrick told me as Claude wrapped her arm around me, pressing against my side. "She told us that. We're sorry about how things have gone down between us. If Pen can love you as much as she does than we can too. You deserve that. You both do."
"Thank you." I told him. "I can't even describe what that means to me. To us."
Never letting go of her hand, I sat at her side, answering questions and explaining everything that her family wanted to know. They wanted to know everything that had happened since the last time they'd seen each other. Claude was a mess and I couldn't blame her. She'd lost just as much as me and Pen and was dealing with it about as well as the rest of us.
It took Hazel appearing for me to finally relinquish my hold on Pen to Claude, needing to step away. I couldn't handle seeing her in joyous embrace with the parents she had abandoned and betrayed. Not only that but I'd yet to give her five minutes with Pen. Now was as good a time as any to let her have a few minutes with her. I'd still kick her out when I got back but for now I'd attempt to not be a complete asshole about it. Especially after being wholeheartedly accepted by her parents. Pen was going to freak out when I tell her that everything is working out. We'd make the best of a horrible situation and move on. As a family. Something I'd never experienced before.
Walking the halls, I looked for Four. I knew that he wasn't handling Tris's death well, but I wanted to keep him informed of everything that was going on with Pen. He deserved it and he was as close to a brother as I was ever going to have and I felt better when he was around. Finding him sitting in the middle of the lobby, I walked to him, sitting next to him. Sighing, I reached over and gripped his forearm. He was fighting his grief.
"I'm here for you." I told him softly. "No matter what you need."
"I know." He told me. "How is she?"
"The same." I replied sadly. "Claude and the others finally arrived." I felt his eyes on me, turning my head to meet them.
"And?" He asked with furrowed brows.
"And her parents embraced me like there had never been bad blood between us."
"That's a good thing, Eric." He stated.
I nodded, "It is."
"Then why don't you sound very happy about it?"
"Because I feel like if I show how relieved and happy I am about it, it would be like rubbing it in your face." I replied honestly.
"Eric, Pen's alive and as long as she's alive you're allowed to be happy about it. If her parents really have accepted you, then you have every reason to be happy about it. You don't have to sulk around here for my benefit."
"Pen would want me to." I told him and smirked.
Four shook his head, "No, she wouldn't. She'd grieve with me and then tell me how much Tris wouldn't want me to let her death be the end of me."
I knew that saying her name was hard for him. All of this was hard for him. "She'd be right."
"I know." He nodded. "But I just…I can't get past it."
"It's only been a few days, Tobias." I stated. "It's not supposed to be okay and you're not supposed to get past it."
"I know." He repeated. "Pen better wake up soon. If she dies than…"
"She won't." I told him. "She's too stubborn to die."
"And she loves you too much."
"God I hope so." I told him longingly. "I love her."
"I know." He said and met my eyes.
"I'm so sorry about Tris. I'm sorry I didn't get back in time to stop them."
He smirked at me, "You wouldn't have been able to stop her. She would have thrown Pen at you and still run to the lab and make it happen."
I chuckled lightly, "Yeah. You're probably right."
"There you are," Christina said, jogging toward us. Her face is swollen and her voice is tired. "Come on, it's time. They're unplugging him."
Uriah. Just one more life lost to this war.
Looking at Four, he sighed and nodded at me. Getting to my feet, I offered him my hand, hoisting him to his feet. Together we walked back to the med area, Four and Cristina going to Uriah while I went to Pen. The curtain was now open and I could see Pen through the window to her room. Claude is still holding her hand and her family is huddled around her. It sounds like they're reminiscing and I almost move to sit in one of the chairs. But I couldn't do that to Pen. I wouldn't. Going back in, Claude instantly offered me Pen's hand, wrapping her arm around me.
We were all silent as we listened to the family in the room next door. They were saying their goodbyes. Uriah with the infectious smile who I never really cared that much for. He pushed Pen's buttons and it seemed that no matter what I did to prove myself, I was always seen as the malicious former Dauntless leader. It didn't matter though. Not as long as Pen was alive.
Her family stayed with us until late, being found rooms for them to use. I stayed with Pen, finding the overused chair more comfortable than any bed without her in it. Nothing felt like it should without her. Nothing. Not eating, sleeping…breathing. None of it felt right without her. Resting my head against her side, I held tight to her hand as I fell asleep, always afraid in case something happened while I wasn't paying attention.
Being shaken awake, I flew out of the chair, my eyes wide as I looked at Pen. Nothing had happened. Turning, I frowned at Christina who was looking at me with wide eyes. Sighing, I ran my hand down my hair, leaning over Pen to press a kiss against her forehead.
"Morning, baby." I whispered in her ear. "What is it?" I asked Christina.
"Tobias stole a truck." She told me. "And a vial of the memory serum."
Frowning, I didn't say anything before I was running. She was right behind me, racing through the halls and to the garage. Getting behind the wheel, we were racing back toward Chicago. There was only once place I thought he would go and it seemed Christina thought the same thing. My heart was pounding the entire time. Flooring the gas pedal, I went as fast as I could, not wanting to find him a stuttering mess when we got there.
"What are you gonna do?" Christina asked.
"Why is it up to me?" I shot back at her. "Why does everyone keep asking me what I'm gonna do or what I'm gonna say? It's not all up to me, Christina."
"Only, it kind of is." She replied.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that we're not leaders." She stated. "It was always Four and Tris and Pen and with everything that's happened to all of them; that kind of makes you the honorary leader."
"You don't need a leader anymore!" I yelled at her. "There is no reason for it! And you are just as strong as the rest of us. As Tris was. Don't sell yourself short."
"Thanks. But I've never been good at leading people."
"Neither have I." I replied and sped even faster.
Hitting the breaks in front of Four's old house, we jumped out and rushed inside. Taking the steps two at a time, I stopped at the top, looking down the hallway.
"Tobias?" I called softly. He appeared from the bathroom.
"Matthew told me you stole some of the memory serum and a truck." Christina told him. "I have to say, I didn't really believe him."
"Then why did you come, if you didn't believe him?"
"Just in case." She replied stepping around me and toward him. "Plus, I wanted to see the city one more time before it all changes. Give me that vial, Tobias."
"No." He replied folding his fingers over it. "This is my decision, not yours."
"What are you doing, man?" I frowned at him. "Why would you even consider doing this?"
"This is not your decision." She told him with a hard tone. "This is the decision of a coward, and you're a lot of things, Four, but not a coward. Never."
"Maybe I am now." He answered nonchalantly. "Things have changed. I'm all right with it."
"No, you're not." I told him, shaking my head. He rolled his eyes. "You're not this person."
"He's right." She replied quietly. "You can't become a person she would hate. And she would have hated this."
"Shut up!" He yelled at her. "Shut up! You don't know what she would hate; you didn't know her, you—"
"I know enough!" She yelled back at him. "I know she wouldn't want you to erase her from your memory like she didn't even matter to you!"
In the next second he lunged at her, pinning her shoulder to the wall as he leaned closer to her. I darted forward but she held her hand out to me. Stopping, I watched them, ready to intervene.
"If you dare suggest that again," Four stated, "I'll—"
"You'll what?" Christina said shoving him back, hard. "Hurt me? You know, there's a word for big, strong men who attack women, and it's coward."
"Tobias, don't do this." I told him, taking a slow step forward. "You are better than this. You'd be dishonoring her if you go through with it."
Something flickered in his eyes and after a long moment he released her, stepping back and slumped against the wall. Moving to him, keeping him steady, he gripped my arm.
"I'm sorry." He told us.
"I know." Christina replied.
"I'm sorry too." I replied. "About everything. But you need to hold on. You need to hold on for Tris and for Pen. Pen is still alive and she will need you when she finally wakes up. She isn't going to handle Tris's death well and you need to be there to prove that she can get through it. Just like you can. Because you can, Tobias. You need to push through and be the man she knew you were. The man we all know you are. Don't become a stranger to those who call you family. You're my family, Tobias, and I can't stand the thought of you not knowing how far I've come, how far we've come. It's the easy way out. And you're better than that."
"I know how it feels to want to forget everything." Christina added from his other side. "I also know how it feels for someone you love to get killed for no reason, and to want to trade all your memories of them for just a moment's peace." She wrapped her hand around his that held the vial. "I didn't know Will long," she went on, "but he changed my life. He changed me. And I know Tris changed you even more." Her face softened and she touched his shoulder. "The person you became with her is worth being." She continued. "If you swallow that serum, you'll never be able to find your way back to him."
"She's right." I told him. "If Pen dies I know I'll want the same thing. But to not remember her would be killing her all over again only it would be done by my own hand. Don't kill Tris again, Tobias. She stays alive in the memory of those who knew her. I'll always remember her. The pain will never stop, but it will get easier to live with."
Gripping him tighter, the tears came again, breaking from him like they did when he saw Tris. The pain coming from him was more unbearable then the first time or when he saw Pen. He rested his forehead against my shoulder and sobbed, still clutching the vial in his fist. I knew that his memories of Tris would be painful for a while. But he needed them. He needed them to survive just as much as I would need Pen's if she were to die. I understood what he was feeling but even I couldn't imagine erasing my memory. Erasing her. Not even to dull the pain of my loss.
Christina put her arms around him as well. I can tell that it's only making it worse, but he needed it. He needed all the comfort he could get. Whether he wanted it or not. Tris was gone and there was nothing he could do to change it or make it better. No matter how badly he wanted it.
He eventually pulled away. I let him, while Christina kept her hand on his shoulders. This whole scene was starting to get old. I felt my anger start to rise inside of me. I couldn't imagine what he was going through, but at the same time, I couldn't take him being this weak anymore. He was better than this. He was stronger than this. After everything we've gone through since we initiated, he was the better man, the stronger man, so why the hell was he being so weak?
"Make your choice, Tobias." I told him with a hard tone.
He opened his eyes and looked at me. I knew my expression was the same as my tone and he knew what it meant. Nodding, he opened his hand and offered the vial to Christina. She took it, slipping it into her pocket.
"I know Zeke's still weird around you." She told him, slinging her arm around his shoulders. "But I can be your friend in the meantime. We can even exchange bracelets if you want, like the Amity girls used to."
"I don't think that will be necessary."
Shaking my head, we moved downstairs and out onto the street. The sun was setting, dipping behind the buildings, and the train was in the distance. For the briefest of moments it felt like the world was righting itself. For a moment things don't seem so bleak. Only then I see someone racing toward us. My heart started to race and I froze, not wanting to hear whatever they had come all this way to say.
"Eric!" My name is screamed. It's Claude. "Eric!"
My chest was clenching and emotion is once again building up inside of me. If she came all the way here to find me then…
"Please, don't." I told her, shaking my head as she reached me.
"You have to get back to the compound." She panted. "Eric, you have to hurry."
Looking at Four, I knew the moment was gone. Then I was moving, racing back to the truck with Claude right behind me. Putting it into gear, I raced back toward the compound. It was Pen. She wouldn't come all the way out here if it wasn't. I wanted to ask her what happened. I wanted her to tell me that she had woken up and was going to be okay. But I was terrified that it was because she was dying and if I wanted to say goodbye to her then I had to hurry. I couldn't bear the thought, so I didn't say a word. And neither did she, making it worse. I drove as fast as humanly possible and as soon as we got back, I was out of the truck and running. Racing through the halls and to her room, I saw Hazel crying in the hallway with Caleb embracing her. Ainsley was slouched against the wall, crying as well. Rushing forward, I stopped in the doorway, terrified.
Looking at her, tears filled my eyes and I sunk to the floor.