Chapter Thirty: Acceptance
Returning to the compound, I walked between the love of my life and the best friend and brother I would ever have. I didn't know what we looked like but there was a sense of respect coming from all who we passed. Entering the compound, the security checkpoint was still empty. Moving through it, the sun was shining through the many mirrors of the lobby. Standing in its rays were all our friends and family. They were all looking at us expectantly and I found my pace slowing until I stopped and just looked at them. My parents were here. Claude and Terra. Ainsley and Cara. Everyone was here and they were all waiting for me to say something.
"Tell me what you want to do." Eric said with a hard tone.
Looking up at him, taking in his expression, I knew that he was ready for anything. If I said run, we'd run. If I said fight, we'd fight. But I knew that neither of those things would help the things that have happened. The only thing there was to do was to face those who were our family. We weren't going to abandon them, despite everything that had happened and the feeling of wanting to lock myself away. These were our people and we needed them whether we realized it or not.
"We face them." I said slipping my hand into his. "Might as well do it now rather than later. Then we can start to heal."
He met my eyes, pulling me against his side as he took a step forward. Wrapping my arm around him, I pressed close against his side as we moved toward them. All eyes were shifting from one of us to the other. All of their expressions were filled with sympathy. I hated that they looked at us as if we needed their sympathy. We didn't. It made me feel annoyed.
"It's okay." Eric whispered in my ear.
"It's not okay." I told him. "The way they're looking at us…"
"Let them." He smiled. "Like you said, now rather than later. Then we can find a place just for us."
Nodding, I smiled back at him, "I'd like that."
Looking back at our family, my mother had taken a step forward, "Penelope."
Sighing, I squeezed Eric's shoulder blade before I let him go, moving toward her, "Mama."
Then she was rushing toward me, wrapping me in her arms as she sobbed into my neck. Her grip was painful and I wished she'd loosen it just a little. "I was so worried about you."
"I know. I'm sorry." I told her.
She let me go, taking my head in her hands, "Don't be sorry. We're just glad you're okay."
"Pen." My father said stepping forward.
The last time I saw him, I'd shoved him to the ground, choosing Eric over them. I'd do it again, nervous to know what he would say. But the expression on his face wasn't just sympathy. There was guilt as well. He opened his arms to me, shaking his head, not trusting his voice. I nodded at him, rushing into his arms, and started to cry into his chest. I loved my father and if we could move past everything that had happened then maybe everything would be okay.
"I'm so sorry." He told me. "I am so sorry that we didn't accept him before. But we accept him now and I hope you can forgive us."
The first words out of his mouth were him accepting Eric. Relaxing, I hugged him tighter. "I forgive you, Daddy." I told him. "I'm sorry for my part in everything that happened to Maggie and to Hazel and to your faction."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You did what you had to do to survive. That's what matters." He replied, leaving no room for argument. "Eric." He said releasing me. I couldn't help the tears that fell down my cheeks as I watched my father pull him into his arms. "Thank you for everything you've done for her. We're so sorry about the baby."
"Thank you." Eric replied hugging him tightly.
As soon as my father released him, my mother was hugging him. I couldn't believe my eyes. Maybe more good had come out of all of this than I thought. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I turned to see a smiling Claude. Wrapping my arms around her, I took a deep breath.
"I love you, Claude." I told her softly.
"I love you, Pen." She replied.
"Thank you for being here."
She frowned at me, but a smile was on her lips, "Where the hell else would I be?"
Smiling, I nodded, only then my smile faltered and I had to swallow the lump in my throat. "I have to know." I told her. "Henry…" I managed before my throat tightened too much for me to say anything else.
She took a deep breath, tears sliding down her cheeks, and nodded. "They brought him back to the city." She told me. "His family had him cremated and put in the city morgue."
Tears were streaming down my cheeks. "Why is everyone left in the dark?"
"We'll get him back." She told me matter-of-factly. "Don't you worry, Pen. We'll bring our little family back together again."
"He shouldn't have come after us." I told her, starting to sob again. I thought I'd finished mourning him, but having her tell me what happened after renewed my grief. "He shouldn't have been there."
"He knew what he was doing, Pen. He would have done it ten times over if it meant saving you. He loved you so much." She went on.
"Did you see him?" I asked her.
She nodded, gently playing with my hair, "He looked good, Pen. He looked like Henry."
Wrapping my arms around her again, I sobbed into her shoulder. I needed to go through this with her. The three of us had been close since the beginning and to have lost him felt like a part of us was missing. Gripping her as tightly as I could, I didn't let go until I felt a hand against my back. Looking up at Eric, he pulled Claude into him, hugging her tightly. Then he had pulled me against him as well, the three of us embracing each other, taking in the comfort we had to give. Then Terra was there, Claude pulling her against her side. Then Tobias, who I quickly pulled against me. Then he pulled Christina, and then she pulled Cara. Soon we were just a mass of people embracing each other. All of us had fought and survived this war. We were bonded in ways that no one could understand or come close to touching.
Having shared all the tears and embraces we could stand, we finally moved on from the lobby. Going to the cafeteria, I sat down at one of the tables and felt like a magnet as everyone was drawn into the seats around me. Eric was next to me, pressed against my side, his hand against my back as he looked at our friends and family. I couldn't be safer than I was right now and he was still being overly protective of me.
Rubbing his thigh, I smiled at him, "It's okay, baby."
He nodded, pressing a kiss against my forehead, "I know. It's become kind of a habit to be defensive."
"I know." I nodded. "I love you."
His brows furrowed and he pulled me against his chest, wrapping me in his arms. "I love you, Pen."
Wrapping my arms around his, I sighed with contentment, never wanting to move. Feeling tears again, I shifted so I could wrap my arm around his neck, the other hugging his shoulder as I buried my face into his neck. Silently crying, he trailed his lips across my shoulder to my neck. Taking a deep breath, he let it out forcefully, the warmth of it flowing over me, calming me.
"I love you so much." I whispered to him.
He hugged me tighter before we both jumped, looking up as Claude slammed two plates of food in front of us. Terra smiled and slid a plate in front of Four. For a long moment we all just stared at the food. My stomach turned at the smell of it. I couldn't tell if it was because I was starving or if it was just making me nauseous.
"Who knows the last time you ate." Claude stated as she sat across from me.
Nodding, I sighed and pushed it around, frowning down at it.
"Eat it." Eric told me.
Looking at him, he hadn't touched his yet either. "You first." I smiled at him.
"Baby, eat the food." He told me sternly.
Frowning, I pushed my plate slightly away from me. "When was the last time you ate? I'm sure they were feeding me in some way while I was out."
He sighed and faced forward, folding his arms on top of the table as he leaned forward. He was frowning, staring down at the food.
"I'm sorry." I told him, rubbing his back. "That wasn't fair." He looked at me and I offered him a small smile and took a bite from his plate. "Tasty."
He returned it, grabbing a bite from mine before we both devoured the food. After that first bite my stomach felt like it was going to eat itself if I didn't put more into it. As soon as our plates were empty, another was pushed toward us and I couldn't help but devour it just as fast, feeling like I was going to burst when it was gone.
"Oh my god. I ate too much." I told the table as I leaned against Eric, resting my head against his shoulder.
"You didn't eat enough." My mother smiled.
Everyone had been quiet, feeling their eyes on us the entire time. But I did my best to ignore them. Smiling at her, I looked up as Terra offered each of us a role. Thanking her, I took it, watching Eric devour his before offering mine to him. He frowned and shook his head but I simply raised a brow at him. I'd eaten enough and he needed it more than I did. Sighing, he took it, getting a victorious smile from me. He smirked and nudged me before putting his hand against my arm. Feeling perfectly content in being distracted by Eric, I turned toward the others when something was slid toward me.
For a moment I stared at it, and then pulled my sketchbook toward me. It was the one I had left in Amity. The one that Maggie had said she'd hidden for me. Feeling tears, I opened it, starting to flip through the pages. Eric's arm moved around me as he pressed against my side, his fingers of the other playing with the pages as I turned them.
"People are gonna think you're obsessed with me or something." Eric teased as we reached the section that was very much dedicated to him.
Grinning, I turned my head and met his eyes, "You already know I'm addicted to you."
He nodded, "I do know that. The feeling is mutual."
Grinning wider, I kissed him quickly before looking back at the book. Continuing to flip through the pages, I froze when I came across an envelope. My name was written across the front of it, recognizing Maggie's handwriting.
"We haven't opened it." My mother told me. "We left it there for when we saw you again."
Frowning now, I picked the envelope up, staring at my name. "You didn't know you were going to see me again."
"We know." My father nodded. "But we hoped we would. When this was all over we'd either have you back or have to say goodbye."
Nodding back at him, sighing, I looked at Eric, handing him the letter. "Will you hold on to this for me?"
"Of course." He told me, taking it from me.
My mother looked taken aback by it, "You're – you're not going to read it?"
"Not right now." I told her, closing the book and slid it back toward her.
"We saved this for you." She frowned, sliding the book back toward me.
Smiling, I shook my head at her, "I want you to keep it. It has a lot of memories in it. I think you and Dad would appreciate it more than me. I can always make some more." She nodded and pulled it back to her, picking it up and hugged it against her chest.
"I'm sorry." She told me.
"There's nothing to be sorry for." I told her with furrowed brows. "Don't be sorry."
"I'm sorry anyway." She smiled at me, tears sliding down her cheeks.
"We're both sorry." My father stated as he wrapped his arm around her. "We never meant to push you away. We would never want to lose you. No matter what."
"I know, Daddy. I know that." I nodded at him.
"It's all over now." Eric told us. "It's over and now we can all start to heal. We're not segregated anymore. You're all family. You can be a family again."
"You're family too." My mother told him quickly.
My father smiled at him and nodded, "She's right, Eric. You're family now too. And will be treated as such."
"Thank you." Eric smiled back at him.
For the moment we all just looked at each other, and then Caleb and Hazel appeared, tentatively stepping toward us. Looking at up at her, I offered a small smile, seeing her relax and take a seat next to our mother. She was swiftly embraced while Caleb ever so slowly lowered himself in the seat next to her. Meeting Tobias's eyes, I sighed and nodded, reaching out for him. He took my hand, moving closer to me, looking anywhere but were Caleb was. Grabbing my sketchbook from where it sat in front of my mother, I set it in front of him. At least it was something he could preoccupy himself with. It was better than him leaving.
There was a long moment of silence before I broke it. Needing to know. "Will you answer a few questions for me?"
"Of course." My father nodded. "Anything you want to know, we'll tell."
I paused again, trying to decide where to start. "Why didn't you ever tell us where you came from?" Hazel looked at me before looking expectantly at our parents.
"What would that have done?" My father countered. "It was to protect you. That's all we ever wanted."
"It would have helped us understand what was going on better." I told them.
"We never expected something like this to happen. This was never supposed to happen." My mother replied.
My father sighed, averting his eyes from us, "Maggie knew."
"What?" I shot at him.
"Why would you tell her and not us?"
They exchanged a look before looking at us again. "She overheard us talking one night. She confronted us, having figured out what we were talking about. She'd been piecing it together for months. She knew and didn't say anything because even she knew the danger of the information."
Shaking my head, I looked at Eric. He smiled, pressing a kiss against my forehead. Looking at my father, I frowned at him, "What's your history with Marcus?" Remembering that night in the greenhouse.
He shook his head, "Marcus and I knew each other before your mother and I chose Amity. He had been pursuing your mother and we'd had several confrontations. He was a distraction from our mission within the city. That and I never could stand him. There was always something off about him. That came to light when we heard about Evelyn and Tobias. But being in Amity made it difficult to do anything about it. Later in life, Marcus became privy to what was really going on." He paused and bobbed his head back and forth. "To an extent. He managed to make our lives a living hell while we attempted to not send the city into a tailspin. We had to stop Jeanine and yet didn't want the video to be released. We knew what was outside the walls and we still believed that the city could come back from a fight with Erudite. We wanted to keep the peace for as long as possible. Only it wasn't just Jeanine anymore. It was Evelyn as well. And then those outside the walls. An all-out war was going to break out and there was nothing we could do about it."
"So when I showed up at your door…" I started, furrowing my brows.
"We knew that it had started. We wanted you to stay with us so we could protect you, but you had other concerns that outweighed ours."
"Concerns that still outweigh yours." I frowned at them.
All eyes glanced toward Eric. He sighed and nodded, "Yeah."
"I wouldn't change a damn thing." I added. "So you can look at him all you want. He's still the reason I would do it all over again."
"We know." My father nodded sadly.
Sighing, I put my hand against Eric's thigh, smiling at him before putting my hand against his face, pulling his head to my so I could kiss his temple, whispering, "I love you."
He met my eyes and kissed me sweetly, "I love you too."
"What about where you came from?" Hazel asked. "Why didn't you just stay here?"
"We were born and raised here." Our mother replied. "We were raised listening to all the genetic talk. Then when the opportunity arose to leave the compound, we didn't hesitate. And Natalie and I were close. We couldn't all go to the same faction so they split us up. After a while we lost touch. Especially after we had chosen our new factions."
"You weren't happy here?" Hazel asked.
"No." Our father replied. "We weren't."
"Did you know you were divergent?" I asked next.
They looked at each other and then nodded. "We knew." My mother replied.
"And as soon as Hazel was born we started to watch for the signs that our children were as well. If you've learned anything about genes you know that just because we were both divergent didn't mean all of you were. The chances are high but not certain." My father went on.
"We noticed the signs in Maggie first."
"Maggie?" Hazel frowned. "But she wasn't divergent."
"She was." Our mother nodded, smiling softly.
Feeling tears again, I took Eric's hand, gripping it tightly, "She never said anything."
"She didn't want anyone to know. She made us promise not to say anything. It wasn't a hard one to make, knowing what we did about Jeanine and her predecessor. Even after you came and told us of your divergence, she didn't want you to know. She wanted to protect you just as much as we did."
"It didn't work though." I shot at them. "She should have told me."
They nodded, smiling sadly. "There are a lot of things we all should have told each other." My father stated.
Wiping a tear from my cheek, I looked at Eric again before my father. "What else do you know about Eric's parents?"
"Just what I told you." He replied.
"Do you know what happened to them?" Eric asked.
"The last we heard, Evelyn had them arrested and executed with a few others whose indiscretions were unforgivable."
His jaw clenched and he nodded, but he didn't say anything.
"It's for the best." I told him softly.
"I know." He nodded. "I'm actually a little disappointed that I didn't get to see it."
Offering him a small smile, I pressed another kiss against his temple, running my fingers through his hair. Putting my lips against his ear, I whispered, "Now you really are all mine."
He laughed lightly, putting his hand against my face, then his lips were against my ear, "I wouldn't want it any other way."
"Anything else you want to know?" My father asked. "Not sure what there is left say, but…"
"There's a lot to say." I replied as I looked at him. "About how you were raised and how you grew up inside the city." They just looked at me. "But that story can be left for another time."
"Why?" Hazel frowned.
"If you want to hear it then feel free." I told her. "But I'm good. That's enough for me right now."
"You just want to go make out with your fiancé." Tobias said softly, smirking at me.
In the next second water was being sprayed at all of us, making us look at Claude, "Come again?"
Then all their eyes were on us. Eric and I exchanged a look, smiling at each other before looking at the rest of them. "Eric and I have decided that we are going to get married."
"And you never told me?" Claude frowned at me.
"It wasn't something that was constantly on my mind." I shrugged at her.
"How could it not be?" Terra beamed at me. "You two are getting married!" She was the first to stand up and embrace us as we did the same. "Congratulations!"
Laughing, I hugged her tightly, "Thank you."
"When?" Claude asked still frowning.
"After Erudite." I told her. "After you all got me out, we had a long talk, and I asked him to marry me."
"You asked him?" Hazel frowned at me.
"And he was stupid enough to say yes." I grinned and laughed, looking up at him.
He wrapped his arm around me, "No, I was smart enough to never let you go."
"Wow." My mother told me. "Congratulations." She added, standing to embrace us as well.
"Eric." My father said as he stood. "No one is good enough for my little girl." He told him with seriousness. Only then a smile broke out across his face, "But if there were ever a man I'd give her to, it'd be you."
"Thank you." Eric replied and quickly hugged my father.
"Congratulations." My father beamed, laughing as he hugged me next. "I'm so proud of you."
"Thank you, Daddy." I told him, then looked at Claude. "I know you've had your differences with Eric but –"
"Shut the hell up." She told me with a smile. "Get over here." She added as she embraced me tightly. "I'm so happy for you, Pen."
"Thank you." I told her, tearing up a bit.
"After that he can knock you up as many times as he wants." She teased before pausing, waiting for my reaction.
"And Auntie Claude will be their favorite person." I replied sadly.
She embraced me again, hugging me tightly. "I love you."
"Love you too."
Talking for a while longer, they had a few questions for Eric and I, and we tried to answer them the best we could. Our relationship had been pretty explicit and we didn't need to share any more than was necessary. But they didn't know Eric very well so it was fun to play a little trivia and to let them see him for who he truly was and not for the actions and rumors that had been following him for years now. And it was nice.
As the talking died down, there was one last thing that I needed to do. Taking our leave from everyone, I held tight to Eric's hand as we slowly walked toward the morgue. When we reached its doors, Eric stopped, nodding at me as he let my hand go. Smiling, I leaned up and kissed him gently. Turning, I stepped through the doors, and walked toward the shelves of urns. Finding Tris's name, I reached out and gently touched it. It felt like a shock went through me and I found myself falling to my knees, once again sobbing for her. I was so angry with her for what she did. After everything we'd been through, we were finally as close as we should have been. I had realized how much I needed her and then she went and got herself killed. She didn't have to go in there. We could have tried again. We could have run far away from here and regrouped before succeeding in our plan. There were so many possibilities but instead of thinking about those, she went and sacrificed the one thing that was just too much. She should be here. She shouldn't have done what she did. She…she did what no one else would, and yet the pain and emptiness that her absence left was almost too much to bear. This wasn't the way it was supposed to end. We were supposed to be happy with our men and to build a life together. We'd joked about raising our children together next door from each other. Now I'd not only lost one of my best friends – another sister – but that first child between us.
"This isn't the way it was supposed to be." I told her. "You are such an idiot, Tris. You weren't supposed to go in there. Caleb should have done it. His death would have been so much easier to bear. Because this sucks, Tris. You should be here. Tobias needs you. I need you. So just…just appear from nowhere and let everything be as it should be."
"Opie?" Tobias's voice said softly.
Quieting myself, I turned my head and looked at him with a tearstained face. "I wanted to see her." I told him. He nodded and stepped forward. Looking up at the urn, hot tears swiftly fell down my cheeks. "But she's not here. There's just a pile of ash with her name by it. The Tris we knew and loved isn't here anymore."
"Sure she is." He told me, gently touching the urn.
"Then why can't I feel her?"
He kneeled in front of me, taking my hands, "Because you aren't letting yourself feel her. You're trying so hard to be strong."
"Do I look strong to you?" I asked him with blurred vision.
"Yeah." He smiled. "You do. Crying doesn't make you weak. You're strong enough to let your grief show. But you're not letting yourself feel her. Or Henry. Or Tori. Remember them and let them back in. They may be gone but they will always be with us." He told me, putting his hand over my heart. "You of all people should know that."
"Why me?" I smiled back at him.
"Because your heart was big enough and strong enough to tame Eric. Your capacity to love and forgive is greater than anyone I've ever met."
Laughing lightly, I shook my head, "Even if all that's true, I don't know if I can let them all in. To feel the loss of all of those who have died…it's unbearable."
"Feel it, Opie. Because if you don't then I don't think I'll be able to either. And I want to feel her again. I want to feel like she'll always be with me."
"She will, Tobias. She will always be with you." I frowned at him.
Tears filled his eyes, his shoulders bouncing as he started to sob, "Then help me feel her."
Swiftly taking him into my arms, we once again sobbed, feeling as if all the memories we had of all those who died came flooding back all at once. Everything we'd ever felt that we had been repressing was now at the surface, spilling out of us as we sobbed into each other. We both needed this. We both needed to feel her loss together, to find her in the love we shared for her, and for each other. He was right when he said that we'd carry her with us. He was right about pretty much everything. We'd both have to be strong enough to carry those we lost with us. Some shared, some not. But we owed it to them and the sacrifices they made. We owed it to ourselves.
Finally calming ourselves enough to move, we stood, looking at Tris's urn once more before turning and walking out, hand in hand. Eric swiftly stood, wiping his palms on his thighs as he met my eyes. Stepping up to him, I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. My cheeks were still hot from crying; his chest just as warm, but I loved the feel of him. It was calming and comforting. Taking a deep breath of him, I relaxed, letting him support my weight.
"I love you." I whispered against him.
"I love you too, Pen." He whispered back.
Thinking we were on our way to the dormitory, we veered off toward that atrium. I was exhausted and ready to sleep, only when I looked up at Eric, about to question him, the look of seriousness on his face made me stay quiet. I couldn't deny that the atrium held some very happy memories for us. But after today, I just wanted to sleep.
Walking to the bench, Eric sat me down before kneeling in front of me, moving between my legs. Gently taking his head in my hands, I smiled at him. He smiled back, his hands moving up and down my thighs as he looked at me sadly. He wrapped his arms around my middle, his head resting against my chest. With one arm around his shoulders, the other around his head, I held him tightly against me. Pressing my lips into his hair, I took a deep breath of him.
"Thank you for not dying." He told me.
"I could never leave you." I replied. "I'm kind of madly in love with you." I added and laughed lightly.
He squeezed me tighter before he let me go, looking up at me. Smiling, he leaned up and kissed me deeply. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I asked him. He held up Maggie's letter. "Did you read it?" I frowned at him.
"No." He replied. "But she wrote this and then I killed her. I'm sure this is not how she wanted it to happen. I'm sure she wrote this with every intention of seeing you again." Sighing, I took the letter from him, setting it aside. "Pen."
"Eric." I said taking his hands in mine. Bringing them to my lips, I pressed a kiss against them before hugging them against my chest. "Baby, I forgive you now just as I forgave you then. Anything that's in this letter won't change that. It won't change anything."
He laughed lightly and smiled up at me. "I'm afraid of what she wrote in there."
Letting one hand go, I gripped his sides with my knees, picking up the letter and once again took in the script of her hand. Taking a deep breath, I let go of his other hand and opened it, pulling it free. Eric's hands were gripping my thighs.
"Okay." I told him, running my hand down the side of his head. "Here we go." Taking a deep breath, I was going to start reading, only then Eric quickly stood, stepping away from me. "Eric." I frowned up at him.
He ran his hand down his face, "I can't, Pen. I can't hear what she wrote."
Setting the letter aside, I got to my feet, "Eric, baby, she isn't going to condemn you in this letter."
"Pen, you don't understand." He told me, still backing away from me.
Frowning, I reached out for him, "Stop walking away from me." He did but looked anxious. "Baby." I said closing the distance between us. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I hugged him tightly. Putting his hands on my sides, he slide them around me, hugging me back just as tight. "I need you to do this with me."
"You've never asked anything more about what happened. I gave you the basics but you have never once asked to know more." He told me sadly.
"Do you want me ask?" I replied as I let him go.
He shook his head, "No."
It seemed like a lifetime ago when she was killed and he was working for Jeanine. When he told me that he had killed my sister. I was so broken in that moment that I didn't hear a lot of what he had said. What difference would it make now? She was gone. Not only that but I'd already seen her again. She helped me get back to him. I woke up for Eric, but Maggie had helped me do it. Even if she was just a figment of my imagination. For me it was real and I had seen my sister again.
"It doesn't matter." I told him.
"It does matter." He frowned at me.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because more was said than what I told you. More happened before I told her you were dead. She – she – said some things and I remember every single word of it. I can recite it in my head and hear her voice when she said it. I – I can't know what she wanted to tell you because I took her life. I killed her and destroyed your family. That was me, Pen. I did that. And now…"
"And now what?" I asked with a small smile.
He frowned harder at me. "Why are you smiling?"
Taking his head in my hands, I kissed him deeply, "Because I will love you just as much if not more after I read that letter."
"You don't know that." He frowned. "It might just make you remember everything I've stolen from you. All the moments you'll never have because I shot her in the chest."
I faltered at that. No one had ever said where she was shot. Just that it happened and that it was fast.
"I'm sorry." He said and gently pushed me away from him, swiftly moving toward the door.
"Walk out that door and we're done." I shot at him angrily. He froze and turned toward me, shock written across his face. "Get your ass back here." I told him as I kept his eyes. For a second I thought he was going to challenge me, but then he sighed and moved toward me again, stopping in front of me with a bowed head. "Thank you."
"You can't possibly be serious." He told me but didn't meet my eyes.
"Of course not." I smiled with a gentle tone. "But I do know how to make you hear me." He met my eyes with a raised brow, still frowning. "Baby, you're being ridiculous. It's just a letter. Written for a sister by a sister. She's gone and she's not coming back. I've come to terms with that. Also with the fact that you are the one who took her from me." Putting my hand against his face, I stepped closer to him. "I'm no longer sad about what happened. When I was sleeping, she was there with me for every moment of it. She relived my life with me and it was as if she was really there. She has seen my life up until the moment I nearly lost it. She played the role of guardian angel and she helped get me back to you. So the only thing I'm worried about is you."
"Pen." He frowned harder.
"You should read it." I told him.
"No." He stated firmly.
"If you won't read it than you have to sit with me while I do." He looked at the letter on the bench, sighed, and finally nodded. "Good. Because I need you, Eric."
He nodded and kissed me deeply. "I need you too."
"You aren't the same man even then than you are now." I told him with certainty. "Give yourself a little credit." I added with a smirk.
He laughed lightly and led me back to the bench. Sitting sideways, our bent legs pressed together, I leaned forward and took his hand. Picking up the letter with the other, I put it between us, swallowing and clearing my throat.
Pen,
Happy Birthday!
I've missed the last five so I just wanted to send good wishes your way.
"Seriously?" Eric asked me with a raised brow.
Laughing, I nodded at him, rubbing my hand up and down his arm. "Yeah, baby, that was Maggie." Feeling him relax, I leaned forward and kissed him. "I love you."
He smiled and kissed me again, "I love you too, baby."
Now that that's over let's get to the heavy part. Your man is by far the hottest thing on two legs! That's the heaviest part. I'm happy to get that off my chest.
"Are you making this up?" Eric frowned.
"Do you want to read it?" I asked as I handed the letter over.
"No." He told me, leaning away from it.
"Then shut up." I smirked.
He ran his hand up and down my thigh. "Sorry."
"I love you." I told him. He just smiled, squeezing me high on my thigh, making me jerk. "Stop it."
He grinned and nodded toward the letter, "Keep reading."
Okay, now for the lighter stuff.
You are the most amazing person I have ever met. I am so proud of you. You've always followed your heart and you've always made sure that your life was yours. It was always the one you wanted to live and you took it by the horns and you ran with it. If there was ever a person that I wanted to be like it was you. Every time.
I know that things have been different and that our family isn't quite our family anymore. I know that Hazel is more Erudite than anything and has been talking about leaving to join Jeanine. The only thing that has stopped her is you. She's more loyal than you think and she would give herself for you.
"Bullshit, Mags." I told her. "I'm sorry, but that's a load of bullshit."
Feeling angry, I dropped the letter. I didn't want to read her defending our sister who had left me in a cell to die. She had left Amity after Maggie was killed. Why couldn't she just have stuck around and helped our parents after losing two of their children? Why –?
"Pen." Eric said softly, picking up the letter, starting to read.
But I would too. I know a fight is coming. I want more for you, Pen. I want you to live a long and happy life. So I've decided something. I've decided that I will denounce Amity as my faction and I am going to join you in this fight.
"Maggie." I whispered as tears filled my eyes, my chest clenching.
"It's okay, baby." Eric told me softly as he ran his hand up and down my thigh.
I want to be at your side when you take back your freedom and that of the Divergent. I know that you'll have some big role to play in all of this. Along with Four and Tris and Claude and Terra and Henry. I want to meet them. I want to get to know them and be a part of the family and the life you have created for yourself.
More than that, I want to meet –
Eric stopped and put his fist against his mouth, taking a deep breath. Running my hand across his hair, tears brimmed and fell, sliding down my cheeks. He held back his emotion, taking my hand as I he tried again.
More than that, I want to meet Eric.
The tears came faster and hotter as I gripped his hand tighter, bowing my head. He pulled his hand from mine, putting it on the back of my head, pulling me to him as he pressed a kiss against my forehead. Bringing my hand to his neck, I covered my mouth with the other, shutting my eyes as tears streamed from them. Then he was reading again.
I've known you your whole life and I have never once seen you so attached to a person. At first I thought it was just an obsession and that maybe he had just been manipulating you. But then I realized that it was so much more than that. I mean, you do seem to have a slightly unhealthy obsession with him, but…it was in the way you talked about him. It was the look on your face at the mere thought of him. I know that you and him are on opposite sides of this but I have to believe that you will be reunited and end up better and stronger than you were before.
I've looked at your drawings over and over again. I've studied them. Memorized them. His are the only ones with flawless detail, down to the occasional blemish on his face. You are so in love with him and I have never been happier for you. I love you most when you're talking about him. It's hard to believe that anyone is good enough for my baby sister, but I believe that Eric is. He lights you up like I've never seen before. He has to be worth it if he brings that out in you.
Both of us are crying now and I can't decide if it's out of sadness or happiness or somewhere in between. Eric had his head against my shoulder, his hand on my arm as I embraced him, crying into his neck. Then he leaned back and handed me the letter.
"Finish it." He told me.
Nodding, I took it, running my hand along her writing. Taking his hand again, I held it tightly as I took a deep breath, swallowing hard before I started to read. It was almost over. It was a relief and yet I felt like I wasn't ready yet.
I am ready, Pen.
The irony.
I am ready to join you in this fight and learn from the woman who has inspired me and motivated me and made me want to be more than what I am. I look forward to living in your world. I'm nowhere near cut out for it, but I'll learn and I will be at your side. And from what I've seen and from what you've told me, you all could use my bubbly personality and a positive attitude. I'm sure I'll stick out like a sore thumb, but you need that.
Don't grow hard, Pen. Don't lose yourself in this fight. That's another reason I want to join you. And the list of reasons will just keep getting longer and longer. Just like this letter…
So, just know that you're the best thing in my life, Pen. I might be bias but I don't care. With my luck you won't even get this until after the whole thing is over.
Eric laughed lightly, running his hand down his face again, wiping the tears away.
I hope you all the best that this world has to offer. I hope that you and Eric are reunited. I hope I get to babysit your kids in the future. I hope so many things that I'd need a lot more paper. But more than anything, I hope you find peace. Even now, as I write this, you're having a nightmare. You're saying Eric's name. Another reason I know that you belong with him. Just one more reason why I can't wait to meet him. I can say without a doubt that he will bring you the peace you need. I hope you find that. I hope you find him.
I love you, Pen.
No matter what happens. No matter where we are. I'll always be with you. Always and Forever.
Maggie
Tears were still streaming as I touched the symbol, smiling. Nodding, I set it aside as I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Looking at Eric, his head was bowed, his eyes shut, and his knee was bouncing. Putting my hand against it, he stilled, raising his head and met my eyes, a final tear sliding down his cheek. Wiping it away with my thumb, I leaned in and kissed him. It was slow and gentle at first, and then became more urgent. Deepening it, I shifted, straddling his lap as I took his head in my hands, kissing him as hard and deep as humanly possible. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tightly against his chest.
"I love you." I whispered to him.
"I love you, Pen." He whispered back.
Smiling, I ran my thumbs back and forth across his cheeks, "See? That wasn't so bad."
He laughed and pulled me against him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I put my hand against the top of his head, the other against the back of his neck. Both of us were taking slow, deep breaths, calming down from the emotional overload that neither of us was expecting.
I was the first to let go, or attempted to let go. Eric kept his arms firmly around me a few minutes longer before he finally released me. Taking his head in my hands again, I smiled and kissed him sweetly. He sighed and pressed his forehead against mine.
"What now?" I asked him.
He sighed again before leaning away to meet my eyes, "I'm thinking we go back to the dormitory so I can hold you while you sleep."
Smiling wider, I kissed him slowly, savoring the taste and feel of him. "I think it's my turn to hold you."
"You don't get a turn." He teased, gently gripping my sides.
Laughing, I kissed him again. "Whatever you say, baby."
Making our way back to our beds, Eric and I changed, grazing flesh, before we both laid down. I curled into myself, feeling better as Eric laid behind me. There was barely enough room for the both of us, but I didn't want him anywhere else. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me tightly against his chest. Taking his hand, I laced our fingers as I hugged his arm against me, taking a deep breath and let it out slowly.
I was exhausted. Crying was so exhausting and I was sick of doing it. I wanted to feel better and yet the tears didn't suffice. Maggie's letter did though. My tears for Tris were painful and full of grief. My tears for Maggie were full of love and almost felt like I was able to shut the door on the grief I held for my sister. Even though she was gone, I felt like we were okay.
Feeling Eric's lips in my hair, I smiled, pressing a kiss against his fingers. He made a soft noise as he moved his lips to my neck, taking a deep breath. Even though he was perfectly molded behind me, I wasn't comfortable. Getting up, I looked down at him. He smiled and settled himself in the center of the cot. Putting my knee at his side, I laid down on top of him. He wrapped an arm around me, the fingers of the other slipping into my hair. Leaning down, I kissed him softly.
"I love you." He told me.
"Eric." I whispered. "I love you more."
Staring at him, running my finger from one side of his face to the other, I kissed him once more before resting my head on his chest, his heartbeat and the sound of his breathing the lullaby I could never replace. Nothing was better than that sound. He was amazing. He was everything.
Aware that I was dreaming, there was a sense of comfort that I rarely felt in my dreams. They were never as happy as I would have liked, but this one had a feeling of happiness. I was once again in Dauntless, walking the halls to my apartment. Opening the door, I couldn't help the racing of my heart as I took in Maggie, Henry, and Tori. Opening my mouth to ask where Tris was, they shifted and she stepped in between them.
"What's going on?" I asked them.
"You wanted closure." Maggie stated.
"So I'm dreaming about you?" I frowned.
"We're okay, Pen." Tori smiled. "It sucks. But we're okay."
"Henry." I told him with an airy tone. "You shouldn't have been there."
He nodded, smiling, "I know."
"Then what were you thinking?"
He scoffed and shook his head, "Saving the life of the woman I love."
"Henry." I frowned.
"Hey, just because I didn't get the girl, doesn't mean I didn't love the girl. Eric is perfect for you, I know that. But I still love you."
Rushing toward him, I wrapped my arms around his neck, "I love you too." He hugged me back, not letting go until Tori's hand was on my shoulder. "I love you, Tori." I told her hugging her as well. "I miss you. All of you."
"You've seen plenty of me since I've died." Maggie told me.
Laughing, I nodded, "Yeah, you've definitely been the center of my subconscious." She laughed and nodded. Growing somber, I stepped up to her, taking her hands. "Thank you for your letter."
She smiled and nodded again, "You're welcome. I hope it helped."
"Eric was a bit upset about it all but…" I replied and trailed off.
She sighed and her smile turned as somber as my own. "I know that you don't know everything. I know that he feels guilty about it. But I'm okay, Pen. You need to reassure him that I'm okay. Everything happens for a reason. I don't hate him for it. I love him like the brother I never had."
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I gripped her hands tighter, "Thank you."
There was a short moment of silence before Tris broke it, "Is Tobias okay?"
My smile faltered and I stepped toward her. Sighing, I shook my head, "No."
"You need to help him." She stated.
"I will. I am. As much as I can."
"Is Eric okay?" She asked next.
"Yeah." I nodded. "He's okay."
"And you?"
Shrugging, I was once again fighting tears, "I've been better."
She took my hands in hers, "You can do this, Pen. You will be okay. You can't dwell on everything that's happened. Isn't that what you always say?"
"Yeah." I nodded.
"In this, you need to believe it." She told with certainty.
I nodded at her, "Okay."
"Pen, I mean it. We're gone. But we're never far." She went on.
Staring at her, I was trying to memorize her all over again. "Why did you do it, Tris?" I asked as tears streamed and it took all of me not to completely breakdown. "Why did you go into that lab?"
"I had to, Pen. You know that. We needed to get it done and Caleb wasn't going to be able to." She replied.
"We could have figured something else out." I told her, a sob breaking from me.
She quickly wrapped her arms around me. "Opie." She whispered, making me sob harder as I gripped her as tight as I could. "We both did what we had to do. You know I had to see it through. But you survived. That's what matters."
"No." I cried. "I need you with me."
"No, you don't." She told me softly. "You're stronger than me. You will be okay." I just looked at her. "Tell me you'll be okay."
"I'll be okay." I told her, nodding as I let her go. "I don't believe you, but okay. I'll be okay."
She laughed as she gently played with my hair. "Take care of Tobias for me." She said softly. "He'll need you and Eric."
"I will. I promise." I nodded. "He'll never be alone."
"Thank you."
Then Tori stepped up to me, running her hand down my hair. "Get some rest, sweetie. You need to take care of yourself."
"Okay." I smiled at her.
"We'll always be here." Henry said putting his hand against my shoulder.
Then Maggie had her hand over my heart. "Never far."
The dream faded and then the serenity of sleep took. Only I could feel them. I could almost hear Maggie sing again, and Henry's laugh, and Tori's advice. Tris's strength and her ability to annoy me. They were all still there. Tobias had been right. Feeling them was easier than fighting them. It was okay to let them in. It was okay to feel everything I'd been holding back, thinking that I needed to be strong. Strength was still needed, but I could lower my guard. The war was over, Eric was pressed against me, and those of us that were left were okay and would continue to be okay. We'd learn to live in this new world and take it day by day. But at the end of it we would all be okay.