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Chapter 12:

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Exhausted after her twelve hour shift, Isobel peeked into Eddie's dark room and was surprised to find two occupied beds alongside his.

"Please, God," she whispered, tiptoeing over. To her shock, Eddie was no longer tied down. He was lying peacefully on his side, almost too handsome in the moonlight spilling past the undrawn drape. She perched gingerly on the edge of the cot and placed her hand on his thigh. The room was chilly and he didn't seem very warm. She would have to bring him a new quilt.

"Eddie?"

He stirred and opened his eyes. "Bella?" He offered her his right hand. She pulled it to her lips with a strangled cry and pressed a kiss into the palm. She was terrified he'd realize he'd responded to her and would start ignoring her again. Instead, he wiped her tears away with his bad thumb.

"I'm sorry, my love. I went a little crazy for a bit, but I'm going to be all right now."

She threw her arms around his neck. "Eddie!" To her mortification, she burst into noisy tears. He gave her an awkward pat.

"I'm sorry, Isobel Maire. Please don't cry."

Isobel cried twice as hard. Eddie put his arms around her but there was no confidence in it. His apathy made her quake. She clutched at him, and after a few moments, he kissed her on the forehead. She lifted her face and kissed him hard on the mouth, but he drew back and kissed her chastely on each cheek and on the chin. But even as he refused her a passionate kiss, his arms tightened around her until she could hardly draw breath.

"Tell me I haven't broken you," he pleaded.

"Ye can put me back together."

"Can I?"

"Kiss me."

He licked his lip. "I… want to. But if I do, we won't talk and we have a lot to talk about."

"Why didnae ye talk to me, then?"

"It was all… too much."

"That's mae fault."

"No, my darling." He rubbed noses with her. "I pushed you to tell me."

"I didnae want to tell ye at all."

"That wouldn't have been right."

"I knew ye'd take it badly."

"Yes, but you thought I'd take it like a man."

"Ye're…" very young. She was glad of the darkness. It hid her blush.

"I'm not a kid anymore. We both knew it would be bad in the Somme. I knew before I left that the chances of me coming back were slight."

"So ye married me."

"Isobel." He kissed her then. He tasted faintly of mint and cigarettes, and she knew he'd polished his teeth. Such a small thing, but it meant he intended to fight his melancholy. "Listen to me. I love you. I fell for you the first time you ordered me around in Ypres."

"Then, why would ye leave me all alone?"

"It's not your fault. It's… I forgot and then it all came back at once. I don't know how… I don't want Beaumont-Hamel to touch you."

"It has!"

"Shh! You'll wake them."

"Why, Eddie? Why?"

His expression shuttered closed. "I was ashamed. I felt like I betrayed my regiment."

She pushed away sharply. "By surviving?" She wanted to beat him. "And ye thought ye'd atone for not dying by killing yerself? Suicides go to hell, Eddie! (i) And I couldnae possibly follow ye there!"

"Shh!" he signalled toward the other beds, but the men slumbered on. They were doubtless heavily sedated. "It was irrational. I was… distraught." Eddie drew Isobel back down onto his chest and traced one of his fingers over her back. "It was stupid. Will you forgive me?"

"No. I will neffer forgive ye for trying to take yerself away from me!"

He touched her hair with the tip of his finger. "I hurt you."

"Ye did!" Her skirts began to quiver.

"I didn't mean to. I lost my mind."

"I noticed!"

"Do you… want a divorce?"

"I want to slap you, ye stupid beggar!"

"Quiet."

"Of course I don't want a divorce!" she hissed. "I want mae darling husband back. And no more hurting yerself or saying ye dinnae deserve life or love! And no more disrespecting God's will for ye by saying ye shouldnae be here, understand?"

His lip quirked up. "Yes, Matron."

"Don't get smart with me or I'll soap yer mouth!"

Eddie hummed a laugh. "That's exactly what Rose White said to me."

"And she's bloody smart, too!"

"I know."

"Why wouldnae ye speak tae me?"

"I misunderstood you. When you asked me why I'd done it, I couldn't remember what I'd done. I thought you were angry with me for ordering my men over the top. I was upset when I woke up here because I thought…"

"Ye thought I didnae want you. When are ye going tae learn?"

"I will endeavor to do better. But after I talked to my new bunkmates, over there, and Dr. Harris, I remembered. All of it. And then I realized that I really have been a sap. You know what—?"

"I want ye tae explain something to me, Eddie," she said coldly. "My monthlies were late, but they came on last night. If there had been a bairn, how could I tell him that his father tried to commit suicide?"

Eddie blinked. He looked toward the moon outside his window. He breathed. Light kindled in his dim eyes.

"I want a girl."

"A girl?"

"Lots of girls. I don't want to raise sons. To go to war."

"I went to war."

He flinched as though she'd struck him. "Do you know what the worst part of that is?"

"What?"

"I love your hair."

Isobel felt her forehead crinkle up. "I dinnae understand."

"That Fanny-Adams Frenchie comes between us every day." (ii)

Isobel sucked in her breath. "I know ye're not like him, Eddie. I trust you."

His eyes went glassy. "No. I'm sorry, darling, but you don't."

"I do!"

"Bella. I understand it. I really do. But…"

"What does this have tae do with mae hair?"

"You hate it if I touch your hair."

"But…" She wracked her mind. She couldn't ever remember Eddie doing more than brushing her hair back out of her eyes. "Ye dinnae touch mae hair, Eddie."

"I don't touch you anywhere that he touched you, Isobel. Not with my hands."

She opened her mouth to argue, and realized it was true. She felt faint.

"I… worship you with my lips, my tongue, my nose and my Johnson. Never, ever with my hands."

"Eddie," she breathed, "Ye can touch me wherever ye wish, however ye wish."

"No, I can't, love."

"Eddie…"

"When we first came home, we were so tired, but I was so thrilled to have you that I would wake you. And one night I stroked my fingers through your hair and you shook your head. But I wanted you to wake up and love me so I did it again and you…"

"Go on."

"You started to scream."

She hugged his hand to her chest. "I was asleep. I didnae know it was you. Ye can touch me." He shook his head. "Ye can!"

"I've tried to cuddle up to you at night. If I embrace you from behind, it gives you nightmares. Every single time. You kick and scream and once, you even fell out of bed."

"But when we're awake—"

"The day I had the cigarette? At first, I thought you cried because I wouldn't let you have it. But later, I realized that I pushed you down to get it back. One second, you were laughing, but then you stopped. I frightened you. I'm always frightening you."

She hung her head. "I… I dinnae want to be frightened of you. Sometimes, it's as if… I'm back there."

He nodded urgently. "Sometimes, it's as if I'm back there, too. And that's why I don't take it personally when you're afraid of me. And when I'm lost, I don't want you to take it personally, either."

"But it hurts, doesn't it?"

He looked down. "Yes."

"Do ye think ye'll get lost again?"

He looked into her eyes. "No. It was the shock, that's all."

"If ye kill yerself, I will take it personally."

"I won't kill myself. I swear."

"Ye maun take control of yerself. I need you, Eddie."

"I need you, too."

"No, ye're not understanding me. Before I met ye, I wasnae lonely, but after ye left, I pined. Do not effer take yerself away from me again!"

"I promise."

"Kiss me like you mean it!"

"Um, I'm not sure that's the best idea."

"Eddie!"

"We're not alone."

"Now."

He groaned. "Bella!"

"They're doped to the gills. Hurry up before Katie comes to check on you."

"I don't want to get you into trouble. I'm trying to treat you like a lady."

Isobel drew herself up haughtily. "Edward Masen! That's the worst thing ye ever said tae me. I am a modern woman! A British Army Nurse, ye—"

He placed his fingers over her lips and laughed against her neck. "Yes, ma'am! Sorry, ma'am!"

"Dinnae make fun of me!" she mumbled behind his fingers.

He kissed her soundly. She felt her bones dissolve. Conversely, his bones hardened… and he tugged urgently at her skirts.

"We can't!" she panted in his ear even as she pulled him down. "I haff mae monthlies." Wordlessly, he shifted her garments, pushed up her knees and sank inside her torturously slowly. "Oh, lord, Eddie."

"Be quiet, woman. You're going to bring everyone running." He circled his hips in a most delightful way and buried her appreciative sounds in his kiss. Isobel came up for air.

"Jam on it, soldier!"(iii)

"Yes, ma'am!" And he did.

After their fire was banked, the evidence washed away and their clothing inspected and righted, he lay quietly with his head upon her breast. She stroked his hair. "I neffer thought we'd end up here," she said.

"Me, neither." He wet his lip. "I want to go home."

"I want ye to come home, but I'm afraid to leave you alone right now."

"Then, take more leave. You said in your letters that they owed you six weeks."

"I can take four weeks but not all at once. What about the money?"

"How much do we need?"

"None, really." She gnawed her lip. "Ye sent me an awful lot when you were away."

"I was making nine shillings and six pennies a day (iv), plus an extra shilling when I was training the sappers and setting bombs. But whatever's left won't last forever and I don't know how much my pension will be."

Isobel glanced at the men in the other beds to make sure they were asleep. "Ye sent me £200 and I havenae touched it."

"You didn't need it?"

"I make £110 a year, now.(v) Plus, as long as I'm employed in an army hospital, I get an allowance for room and board of two shillings a week and they cover our laundry and uniforms."

"That's pretty good money, but you earn every penny."

"It's a fine job, but I'd give it up to be with ye all the time. And to be a mother. When ye get yer pension, we'll probably be able to manage without me working."

"Have you any savings?"

Isobel leaned in to whisper in his ear. "Seven hundred pounds."

His jaw dropped. "How in the world? You said your mother was a crofter!"

"I had an inheritance from a great uncle, which is why Mam sent me to London, to Aunt Maggie. But I hated Society, so when I was fifteen, I effectively removed maeself from the marriage mart by starting at the hospital in London. Bit of a scandal, but the snobbish young ladies took no interest in having mae friendship anyway."

Eddie smirked at her. "I see I'm not the only one who's lied about my age." (vi)

"Why do ye think I didnae tattle on you?"

"Ha!"

"I wanted to learn! I didn't learn much, mind you. So, I was in London for two years and then I volunteered for Flanders, where, according to mae aunt, I learned entirely too much."

"About men? I'll say." He squeezed her hand to let her know it didn't matter.

"Over there, I arranged to deposit most of mae pay in the Bank of Scotland, and what I had in cash, I put in my corset. When I packed up to come home, I had £250 on my person."

Eddie looked horror-struck. "That's almost as much as I make in a year."

"We have enough for a house."

"Easily. But why buy one when we can rent?" ( vii)

"If we rent, we're set for a long time. We should visit my family at some point, though."

"Before we decide where to settle." He watched her. Isobel could almost see his mind working. "Would you miss it? Nursing?"

"Oh… parts. It's a sad business, mostly. I'd miss mae friends and I like being useful. I like helping the war effort and I like being able to learn about medicine and other socially unacceptable subjects, but…"

"But?"

Her eyes flooded with tears. "I cannae go intae storerooms. And I hate walking home at night. And anytime a man gets too close…"

"Oh, sweetheart." Eddie tentatively patted her head. When she failed to scream, he stroked his fingers over it. "You don't need to go back there."

"I dinnae want that damned Frenchie to win!"

"He hasn't. But I don't like the thought of you walking around alone at night. Or being around strange men when I'm not there to protect you. And we don't need the money."

"So, I dinnae have tae work?"

"Only if you want to."

"I maun think about it."

"Okay."

"I'll ask for leave tomorrow. They may need me tae stay on for a while, though."

"I don't expect they're going to let me out of here immediately, anyway."

"No."

"Is there any way Papa Landlord could meet you at the hospital and walk you home at night?"

"Mr. Biggins. He works until eight o'clock. I'm off at five."

"Do you know anyone else who's trustworthy?"

Isobel mulled it over. She didn't really trust anybody except the local priest and she doubted he'd be available to do the job.

Eddie stroked her head gently. "When I was in the hospital, there was a very kind orderly. He always stopped to socialize with me when he had a moment."

"Felix."

"Felix. That name suits him. How tall is he?"

"Oh, he's enormous. I have no idea."

"Might he be a candidate?"

"Maybe."

"Offer him a penny a day to walk you home."

"Are you sure?"

"I would feel easier in my mind if I knew you weren't alone."

"Pennies add up."

"And what if someone hurt you again? Even if I'm in here a month, that's only a couple of shillings. Money's not everything, Bella."

"All right." She rested on Eddie's chest listened to his heart. "What would ye haff done if those men had woken?"

"Hmm?"

"We got away with it, but what if they'd noticed?"

His lips tipped in a delicious smirk. "That's the one benefit of being in the looney bin."

"I don't follow."

"I could have told them they were imagining things and they would have believed me."

"Eddie, that's scandalous!"

"Just be glad we didn't mark our clothes."

The door groaned open and the nurse, Katie shrieked and dropped the urinal she was carrying. It smashed into a thousand pieces. "Sorry, sorry! I'll just…" She spun on her heel and fled while Eddie snickered and Bella staggered upright.

The men in the other beds shifted. "What's going on?" one asked sleepily.

Isobel rolled her eyes and kissed Eddie on the forehead. "And that's mae signal to go."

"Mace?" the man said as Isobel rushed to the door.

"Go to sleep, Jazz. Nurse just caught me spooning with the blanket." (viii)

Isobel caught herself on the doorframe so she didn't fall over.

"Aw, shit," the man called Jazz moaned. "Keep it down, eh?"

"It's the only way to keep it down."

Isobel picked her jaw up off the floor, grasped the handrail and hurried down the stairs. "God help me, I've married a cheeky bastard." Halfway down the staircase, she began to laugh.

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i Don't blame me for this one. They're Roman Catholics, eh?

ii Fanny Adams: trench slang for fucking damn

iii Jam on it: put some effort in, use your muscle

iv Commonwealth Lieutenants received a wage of 9s 6d (ie. 9 shillings and 6 pennies) per day. Those with special skills might get a small increase. www. /pay_

v This is an estimate as I could not find payroll records for the QUAIMNS. In the first year of service, medically trained Volunteer Aid Detachment Nurses (VADs) made £40 per annum and in the second year they automatically received raises of 16 shillings 8 pennies per month. That makes the approximate income of a fully-trained nurse £108 per annum. Male, entry-level military personnel (privates, troopers, gunners, sappers, drivers) received wages of approximately two shillings per day. There were 20 shillings in a pound, and 12 pennies to a shilling, so entry-level men earned £35, 9 shillings per annum.

vi Most army nurses were between the ages of 18 and 38. One had to have two years of nursing experience to qualify as a medically-trained army nurse. Red Cross VADs didn't need experience to serve.

vii Only 23% of British subjects bought their homes. A well-appointed family home could be bought in London for £1000, but people wanted to be certain they could live within their means. The thought of being in debt was horrifying. . /2014/08/04/wwi-centenary-how-our-nations-finances-have-changed/

viii "…the blanket" (spooning, dancing with, fucking, etc.): masturbating