"How far should I go, until you see clearly what is before your own nose, Jane? How far is far enough, to let you see what we could have, what you can have, all along?"
This conversation went to places I didn't want it to go. I always hoped, no I always avoided any designation or ponderings about the kind of relation Maura and I have. Surely through the years we became more familiar, almost intimate without the sexual aspect, with each other, but now she gave it a name without really naming it and it scared the hell out of me.
What do I feel? Okay, I know what I feel, but do I want to go in this direction, knowing I'm safe just the way we live it now, whatever we have together, or should I go and jump into the uncertainty of a more intimate relationship with her?
While I'm still pondering regarding my action to Maura's bold move, and oh how I love her going all macho and stuff, Maura stepped towards me, like a panther on the hunt, with that glint in her eyes that I know so well. She is determent, going for the hit and hopes to overrule my unnecessary reflections to something I shouldn't longer trying to face anymore...
Fuck, I'm a sucker for her going butch on me!
"How. . . .You, Jane." Maura's voice is a whisper in my ear, but is received so loud and clear to me as if she was in me. And Lord, is she in me.
"You are in every fiber of me, Maura. I can feel you crawl into my heart and brain and even if I struggle and fight, I can't get you out of me. " I exhaled loudly and try to calm my beating heart. "But I can't, I can't do it, Maura. Do you remember when I told you a long time ago that I never was so afraid? The night I came to you and we slept in the same bed for the first time?"
"I remember it all, Jane. I remember you at your strongest, your weakest. I remember your dreams like they are mine, and they are mine, Jane, you are so deep in me that even with all my rational and not so rational knowledge, I can't fathom them and pack them into a scientific environment. And I know why you are so afraid to love me, Jane, I know your fear all too well, and partly I do understand them, but if you trust me, really trust me, trust me on this one, my lovely Detective. .You. Trust me, trust yourself to be strong enough to handle whatever comes along our path!"
I look into the sincere eyes of my best friend, the love of my love, the woman I do trust, although she thinks that it needs to be confirmed. I smile at her and she closes the gap between our faces, raises her head up to me and if it has a will of its own, my mouth finds her mouth.
Our kiss is slow, only her lip on mine, with a slow but delicious rhythm, while my heart beats like an African bush drum and I know her heart surely does the same.
As we do part it still feels as if we are still connected all along and I know that I will never get rid of her. She will always be an indispensable part of me.
Should I deny myself this, is this love stronger than my insecurities?
"Maura.." I struggle to recollect my thoughts. My head's full of all feelings at once... "Maura..."
I look into her eyes, at her lips slightly swollen and red from our revelating kiss. I can't, no I won't deny myself this love any longer. I finally have to man up and face the truth. I finally have to do go for it, I deserve it, but more than that she deserves it. She deserves the best of me, my love, my companionship and my absolute devotion to her.
So I just smile at her and say: "What kind of date would you like that a blue colored cop from Boston like me, will take you to!"
"The kind where the wine is good and your love is present" is her unexpected but wise answer, as she smiles back to me with a twinkle of delight in her eyes that makes me feel like a melting marshmallow.
This is going be fun and a hell of a ride, and I don't mean the date...although... but with her at my side, what could go wrong. I'm at the top of the world..with her, and will from now on trying to keep it that way. For me, for her..for us!
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