Give me an answer chapter 4

After Fenris had taken possession of Hawke's mouth in the most crushing and mind-boggling way possible, he stepped back once again and looked at her in the soft light of the candles she had lighted and the cool one of the moon, still playing the voyeur through the opened window. He panted slightly, his pupils were near black. She almost stumbled at the loss of his demanding tongue and arms and imagined she must look flustered and at least a bit disappointed he had left her longing body alone once more. The moment he regained his distance, she felt the cold creeping in. Nevertheless she said teasingly, 'I thought you wanted to take it slow.' She realised she sounded hoarse, if not completely forlorn, and only half succeeded in keeping the tremble out of her voice. Fenris, on his turn, pretended not to take note of her predicament. He persevered in keeping that maddening blank expression. Maddening indeed. Damn it.

Only moments later she understood that the blank expression was just her interpretation. Her personal explanation of why he again had taken his distance and hid his true feelings behind that stoic mask. With sudden insight she comprehended it was her own fear playing cruel tricks on her mind. The fear he would reject her after what she had done to him. The fear that had almost risen to panic at the moment she thought he had come for vengeance. His heated, near desperate kiss, had had nothing to do with vengeance whatsoever. Unless he wanted to punish her with passion. Which would be quite alright with her. So yes, it was her warped interpretation. Now that was clear to her, she noticed he might have taken a step back and tried to stick with his adopted aloof air, but looked at her with such smouldering eyes it shot hot bolts through her already shivering innards. You are as scared as I am, she thought, and as wound up and – aroused.

As to give evidence to her frantic thoughts he said, 'I do. I want to take it slow. But you're making it very difficult, looking as beautiful and tasting as good as you do.'

What was left of her insides, now got squishy due to his voice that had taken that low gravelly timbre that made her whole being resonate. Crushed stones covered with bitter-sweet dark chocolate, a serrated edge of an obsidian dagger dripping with wild tart-tasting honey, the lowest string of a lute vibrating with hot sex. Gods, if he sounded even more wanting, her knees would give way and she would fall before him on the ground, begging him to take her.

'I already thought my idea was better,' she managed with some effort. Her voice almost failed her. In fact the words came out like an incomprehensible hoarse grumble. Nevertheless he understood. Of course he did.

'Don't tempt me woman.' If possible he sounded even more crushing and breathtaking. She made a little step forward but his hand shot out and he grabbed her wrist in a firm grip to prevent her from coming too close. 'I don't want to pounce upon you like some wild animal.'

Why not? Please do.

'I wouldn't object,' Hawke said huskily. Immediately she felt the grip on her wrist fasten.

Fenris glowered at her. 'I said, don't tempt me,' he as good as growled which only made it worse. Bitter-sweet chocolate, wild honey, low tones in cadence with the beating of my heart, sawing through my essence. Please stop. Please don't stop.

Hawke very hard tried to suppress a feverish shiver, especially when the elf let his eyes glide heatedly over her as good as naked body with a hunger he couldn't hide. But still, to her growing frustration, he kept his self-control. They stared at each other for a while, caught in a strange kind of deadlock with an undertone of hardly confined erotic pulsations, until Hawke decided to change her tactics and try another form of seduction. 'I think I'm at a disadvantage here,' she pouted. Fenris just raised one dark eyebrow, to her disappointment never letting go of her wrist. 'I'm standing in hardly my smallclothes, well, to be frank only dressed in my very smalls, and you are still fully dressed. I feel exposed, I don't think it's fair. Not fair at all.'

'Life isn't fair,' Fenris replied with a little smirk, obviously seeing right through her intention, 'and you owe me one.'

She cocked her head. 'Just one?' she said sweetly.

Fenris gave her a faint lopsided smile. He reached out but despite her hopes he just took a lock of her hair and twirled it around the fingers of his free hand, while he seemingly absent-mindedly kept a strong hold on the wrist he had locked minutes before. He let those same soft, yet again enticing, fingers trail along her face. She could feel the tension radiating from his still slightly ignited fingertips and wondered how much she would be able to take before she would simply consume him. Or he her, when it came down to it. But even now he succeeded in maintaining his infuriating self-discipline. 'Stop playing the role of the ignorant child-wife, Marian, it doesn't suit you.'

At this very moment she was very much willing to play the role of the ferocious high Dragon if that would help. (Always some vicious She-menace, those things, come to think about it. It was perhaps a silly comparison but by lack of a better description it had to do. After all, it was the "She-part" that counted). Anything to drag him into more bolder actions than toying with her hair and caressing her face. But a small voice at the back of her head let out a warning. Don't force him. Let him make the decision. He's on edge, you know this. Another small voice responded sarcastically, and you're trying to tell you are not on edge? Pull the other one. Wake up bitch, you're as strained as he is.

She recognised the wisdom of the little voice, of both of them; nevertheless she said throatily, 'Is this meant as some kind of punishment?'

Now both dark eyebrows shot into his moon-like hair. 'And for what sort of insult would I concoct such punishment?' He sounded genuinely astounded. 'Please do clarify.'

Hawke sagged a little. 'For everything I put you through. You were quite clear.'

His smile almost swept her away. It had the same devastating force as his voice at this very moment. 'Ah yes. That punishment.' The hand that hold her wrist loosened and his thumb caressed the sensitive skin of the inside of her arm. 'The punishment for leaving me alone, wondering how much you hated me.'

'What?' She almost stumbled. That he had been afraid she didn't love him anymore was one thing; that he apparently had thought she hated him, came as a shock. It was impossible to ignore the arrows of both desire and fear he shot at her with those words. 'How have you ever managed not to break apart because of me.' She swallowed hard. 'Because of me,' she repeated contritely, at this moment very much willing to punch herself. 'I have been so harsh to you.'

'And you're thinking that by holding back, I'm punishing you more than myself?'

'I don't understand. Why –'

Fenris silenced her by cupping her face with both his hands. His silver streaked green eyes, so close by and still with those enlarged deep black pupils, glistening in the bright moonlight, nearly undid her. 'Have you any idea how much I love you?'

'I, er, no,' Hawke stuttered confused. She but just swallowed back a thoughtless reply like "of course I do" because she really didn't. 'I can only hope,' she said humbly. She looked up at him with eyes filled with remorse. 'But if you love me that much, why are you doing this?'

And again he snapped. Near to tears he drew her in his arms, showered her with kisses and let his mouth devour hers once more. 'I'm not a wild dog,' he whispered after he released her, but didn't push her away this time.

And at once she understood why he held back so strongly.

The spiteful remarks, the vindictive judgments, the wounding comments ...

Fenris's words, and actions, led back to one person and one person only.

'You're still concerned about what Anders said,' she murmured, with fast rising anger. Not aimed at him but at the mage. 'About all the stupid names he called you.'

He pulled her back in his arms, even fastened his hold on her and she felt his body stiffen at the same time. He almost choked her but she didn't mind. This was important; something had a firm, nasty grasp on his mind, something beyond her stupid deed. This was not just worth her attention, it was most disquieting and she should do something about it. Immediately. It struck her it was well possible she had to talk him out of as much misery as he had pulled her from. 'And what if I did,' she heard him murmur, confirming her suspicion.

Her eyes flew open and she could only just withhold a loud curse. Don't say something rash. Don't chase him away. On the other hand, to be honest, she didn't know what exactly would chase him away. And thus she chose to speak her mind, though as careful as she was able to. Which suited her character better anyway.

'Ah yes,' she scoffed, 'I remember. "Certainly you want someone with a more open mind." As if he was the walking example of an unbiased person. You called him a hypocrite and truer words were never spoken.' She sighed, thinking of all the things she had wanted to throw in Anders's face at that weighty moment, but never had done because she had wished to prevent a mighty row. Now, more than ever, she regretted that. She should have taken Fenris by the hand and dragged him out of the sewers to leave Anders to stew in his own hatred and the putrid fumes of the disgusting materials he, in hindsight, had needed to build his magic bomb. The bloody bastard. 'And I only told him to back off. I should have been harder with him. I'm still sorry I wasn't.' She made an attempt at being supportive. It didn't work.

'That doesn't mean I didn't think about what he meant.'

Oh fuck

She pressed her fingers forcefully in the muscles of the elf's back to emphasize her next words, but doubted he even noticed it. 'What he meant was to hurt you. To make you feel as insecure as possible.'

Maker, is this what's pestering him? Can I kill Anders as yet? I think he deserves it. Shit. And I thought I was the only wrongdoer.

Fenris let go of the strong embrace although his hands lingered on her shoulders.

She looked at him, at his sudden gloomy face. She sighed again. 'Anders simply hated the idea I loved you.' She covered his mouth with her fingers because she knew what he wanted to say. She kissed him tenderly on his lovely nose. 'He wanted me for himself although that creepy vengeful spirit of his wouldn't allow anyone in his life but its own demanding presence. And although I didn't want him. So he figured that if he couldn't get me, no-one could. Let alone you, the one that detested everything that had to do with magic. From the first moment on he considered you his enemy. And that didn't get any better when he found out I had fallen for you. And he couldn't comprehend at all, didn't want to comprehend, I kept on loving you, even after that significant night. Yes, he considered you a mage-hater but that was not the main reason he loathed you.'

Fenris had turned into a classic example of pain and torture. 'As I loathed him,' he murmured.

She wanted to wipe that hurting expression away but she didn't know how.

'It won't be easy to forget how he reacted,' Fenris went on. 'To forget what he said, after...' He hesitated for a heartbeat. 'After I left you,' he continued with a pained expression. 'He turned you into a whore and me into a mindless beast,' he breathed.

For some reason Hawke got the feeling this wasn't the real reason why Fenris was so bothered. Nevertheless she produced a faint smile. 'As I remember well, it was Isabela who made that conversation into a kind of bitch-in-heat topic.'

'Maybe she said it out loud but Anders suggested it.' Fenris reciprocated her smile. 'Well, that is perhaps not really true. He just gloated on my unhappiness and I had no doubt he was certain you were available once more for his charms. Isabela just broke the tension.' He became serious again immediately after; 'I don't want to sound ungrateful; he did save my life after the battle in the Gallows courtyard. But after that ...' he abruptly stopped talking.

'After that what?' Hawke urged him on. She got anxious.

Fenris shook his head. He bit his lip and let out a deep sigh. After some hesitation he said, 'He blamed me for your disappearance. He said you had thrown away your life for me anyhow. He said – ' His face retorted at the remembrance. 'He said you told him you didn't have feelings for me anymore, but you wanted to save me the humiliation of telling me plainly. He said I had it coming after the way I treated you.'

Hawke was rendered speechless. She cringed at his words. As a matter of fact she had a hard time not to explode, and only with the greatest exertion she managed to stay composed. She could remember all too well how Anders had tried to bring down Fenris by referring to his time as a slave, how one-sided that had made him. And oh, how angry she had got by his harsh words. It might have been a last desperate attempt to drive her away from her elf, but she had had to tap in all her reserves of willpower not to slap him in the face back then. Once more she regretted greatly she hadn't done just that. And now, apparently, the mage had taken advantage of her perhaps unfounded but, despite that, all-consuming fear Fenris would die because of her, and he had given him that low devastating blow. Look into a mirror, you deranged moron, and then tell me who's the one-sided person around. Pot and kettle, to say the least. You've always revelled in your so-called predicament and stuck with it, while Fenris has so hard tried to move on. Andraste's burning tits! I really wished I had killed you. You deserve it. Again she swallowed hard. 'So that's where you got the idiotic idea I hated you,' she managed, her voice a low grumble. 'I do hope by now you know he made it all up just to hurt you.'

'Your leaving didn't help,' Fenris put forward.

Yes, this is also my fault. She vigorously shook herself. Don't dwell on that. That topic has gone stale. It's about Fenris this time, so try to say something positive. Gods this is hard.

'Especially with someone as eager as to explain why,' she said heatedly. 'Maker, after all he did! After he betrayed us all and blew up the Chantry and started a complete war! Bloody hell! If it wasn't for him saving your life, I by now would be regretting I didn't kill him when I got the chance! It's evident he didn't learn anything at all.' She pursed her lips and tried with all her might to calm down. 'The main reason he hated you, hates you, had nothing to do with your opinion about magic; it was all about how you learned to trust me and how I trusted you back and we became lovers – if only for one night,' she said. 'And after, well, you know...' She was reluctant to refer to the dreadful occurrences in the Hanged Man where Fenris had met his traitorous sister and where his former master finally had found his well deserved end – fuck it, not another hated name attached to rotten memories right now. She straightened her shoulders. 'After we got back together, I figure it only got worse,' she went on, completing her broken off sentence. She presumed Fenris understood what she was hinting at without going into details. 'I think Anders couldn't cope with that. So he lashed out at the first opportunity he got. And took his final revenge at the next. Sadly I was the one who provided him with that opportunity.' And can we please just drop this unsavoury question for once and all? I'm getting sick of it.

Fenris said, ruefully, 'I'm still sorry about that night, and probably will always be. I assume Anders has been fretting about it for years. I suppose it came as a death-blow to him we picked up where I left off.' He added sardonically, 'Literally and figuratively.' He was starting to feel frustrated with himself. This was not why he had come here. It was hard enough without Anders polluting and disturbing his thoughts. Let alone the ghosts of Danarius and Varania did much to regain his peace of mind. He knew very well what she meant with her cut off "after all, well you know". To his surprise Hawke at that same moment fisted the fabric of his shirt and said vehemently, 'I don't want to talk about him nor discuss his idiotic coloured opinions any longer. This is not about him. This is about you and me. About how I hurt you and you nonetheless came after me and still refuse to fuck me. Take me, damn it, before I not only become a bitch in heat but even worse, a bloodthirsty she-wyvern! How much do you think I can endure!'

And that did it.

The hands on her shoulders suddenly gripped hard and pushed her into the wall next to the opened window. Driven to heated desperation Hawke shredded the cotton of Fenris's shirt she already had in her angry grasp, and bared his perfectly chiselled chest. She pressed her breasts against his naked skin and revelled in the pure touch. Her nipples pebbled at once. The very moment his markings lighted up and engulfed her with bluish white light that went right through her and kindled her desire for him even more. She felt his throbbing length pushing against her thigh and with trembling fingers reached out for the laces that held his trousers together. Being out of patience, she also tore the alluring entrance to slivers and at the same time she wracked his smallclothes. He didn't even laugh, he just underwent her ministrations with bewilderment and above all delight.

She felt his hands shift from her shoulders to her behind to support her weight and with confidence she wrapped her legs around his waist, using the wall as a counterpoint. He would hold her; without doubt he would. She trusted him completely, as she always did. 'I love you, you harebrained idiot,' she sobbed. 'How could you ever question that?!'

With one forceful movement Fenris tore her underwear to pieces; he was absolutely not able to restrain himself any longer. He forcefully doused the confusing discussion in his head, or rather she had doused it with telling him she loved him. That broke the fence. And he answered with thrusting his painfully near-to-exploding shaft into her drenched expecting sheath. He had felt the urge to do that all evening although he really had wanted to take it slow. The chance was taken out of his hands and at this very moment he felt no remorse.

'Marian!' he cried out the moment he sensed the connection and got aware of her need for him. Maker! He smelled the sweet scent of her desire that wafted around him and he wanted nothing more than to satisfy her and give heed to his own urging craving. Her fingers pressed into his shoulders and back, and her legs clamped around his waist. It all but kindled his frantic longing to possess her. She buried her face in the crook of his shoulder and gratefully let him take possession of her; eagerly she moved with his rhythm.

This was what she wanted: feeling him deep inside her, the movement of his love so close by, her heart almost bursting. She didn't even need his fingers to push her to a grant explosion; she had ached for him for so long that even the sheer look of his longing eyes and the subtle touch of his fingers and now a faint lick of his tongue on her sweaty throat brought her to a crushing height.

'Fenris!'

At the same time, encouraged by her enthusiasm, he found his own orgasm; it appeared to last forever, he kept spurting his seed into her depth, there didn't seem to come an end to it; his head reeled, he felt his fleeting thoughts and fluttering heartbeats and heated desires mingle with her cries of ecstasy.

And, at once, there was peace and quiet.

Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, Fenris more or less came to his senses. He lifted his lover and carried her to the four poster bed. 'I wanted to take it slow,' he grimaced wryly but entirely satisfied.

'Thank the Maker you didn't,' Hawke smiled gratefully.

He laid her down with all the devotion he could muster and kissed her brow. 'I love you,' he said simply, 'I can only hope you don't feel offended.'

She shot him a cheeky grin and replied playfully, ´And I can only hope you will again give me some kind of display of want or possession or whatever you care to call what you did to me minutes ago.´ She reached out and touched his face. ´I love you too and I want you. And I need you to be at my side. Forever. I'm sorry I didn't make that more clear before.'

Her face turned into a bright expression. She beamed impishly at him. 'When I said "minutes ago", I meant, "It cannot come too soon." So you understand.'

She cried out in surprise when he took her fancy seriously at the very moment.

Fenris let his fingers wander along the exposed skin of her naked body, her so beloved body. ´I live to please,´ he mumbled before he got her completely off-handed by twirling his tongue around her nub that had hardly had the chance to recuperate. And now again roared into action.

It turned out to be an overture to a long and passionate night.

And yes, to be continued…

Thank you so much for reading!