Hugs

In which Eli gets very sad, and Thrawn tests out that human-comforting tactic he read so much about.

Eli Vanto waited until the door had closed, meaning Thrawn had left their cabin, before finally accepting the incoming halocall.

"Well there you are," the holographic image of his father flickering before his eyes. "We were wondering if maybe you decided you weren't talking to us no more."

Eli winced. They apparently had gotten to the point where they could skip half-hearted pleasantries.

"Hi… dad," Eli said, staring back at the distant image. "Where's mom?"

"She's out," his dad said, and Eli winced again. That explained the lack of niceties. "There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about."

Meaning something Eli's father needed to be alone to talk about. Eli had a pretty good idea where this was going.

"You haven't been home much."

"I know, dad, I-"

"We thought you'd be home by now. Permanently. You never told us you were signing on for another contract. You had to make us bother you about when you were coming home."

"I like being in the Navy. I'm doing something-"

"Tell me what you've done."

It wasn't a sweet fatherly statement. Eli winced again, knowing exactly what kind of corner he was walking into but unable to find a polite way out.

"I…" Stumbling for words.

"-work for that alien, still?" Eli's father filled in the silence.

"Yes, I still work for Captain Thrawn," Eli spelled out.

"Oh, so he's a captain now is he?"

"I know what you're-"

"Did you get promoted and never tell us that, either?"

Eli looked away from the hologram, wishing talks with his family weren't so difficult. Because the tone of disappointment was already there. And it was hungry. Ready for the next sign of weakness it could hook onto.

"… no, I'm… still an ensign."

The moment of silence… Eli could feel his chest starting to tighten. His heart rate started to climb. He knew what was coming and was bracing himself for the onslaught.

"So… this is the life you've picked out for yourself? Rather sign on for more years of being some alien's pet than come home and help your old man with your family's business?"

The question hung on the air, prompting Eli to respond.

"It's not like that."

"Oh, no, of course it's not. Well tell me what I'm missing then."

Another corner. Eli chided himself.

"We're…" Why did this have to be so hard? "…doing good work. Stopping pirates-"

Pirates was usually a good way to deflect some of his father's anger. Not today.

"Oh? And what kind of recognition are you getting for all this 'good work?'"

Eli cringed as he answered, "It's not about-"

"-who gets the recognition, but whether or not the job's done, right? If that's what you've got to tell yourself to deal with knowing you're just being played by a non-human. Can only imagine the spin you got to put on that one to make you come out sounding right. I suppose it was he who taught you to enjoy getting used-"

"Thrawn's not like that," Eli said, immediately coming to his superior's defense.

"Oh, so the alien has a name?"

"Course he does, dad. You know it. Why are you like this?"

"Thought I raised someone who had more self-respect than to let himself get put in place under an alien."

So that was it. The old Lysatra xenophobia coming through once again. It was barely under the surface the day Eli graduated from Royal Imperial Academy, fighting for his parents attention amongst the other annoyances like the Core World snobbery and the Coruscanti traffic. But now, there was nothing to divert its path.

And the thing that worried Eli was how easily he could have gone down the same path. He'd grown up thinking aliens were the greatest threat. It was easy on a Wild Space planet, edged upon the unknown regions. Aliens were pirates. They conducted hit-and-fades on transports and looted. They were known to attack undefended freighters… they were even rumored to attack homesteads and abduct the families – the men to become slaves, the women, to become worse…

And all those stories, all the distrust, Eli had felt it battling within him the whole time he'd been stuck with Thrawn. Slowly the stories dissolved into the absurdities they were. Eli'd seen that over time. Thrawn was… well. Charming. A gentleman. Brilliant, but polite. Caring about uplifting those around him. Never complaining about an unwelcomed task.

If anything, the people of Lysatra were more their myths than the people they told them about.

Eli opened his mouth and shut it.

The thing was – he couldn't explain it to his father. Hell, he'd only figured it out by being forced to live with Thrawn.

"Good," his father said after Eli didn't respond. "If you're feeling ashamed at least there's still some decency left in you. Here, we've got people in town coming up with great stories why you didn't come home. You know what some of them myths are about those Chiss."

Eli felt his face warm suddenly with a rush of blood. He glared at the hologram angrily.

"This what you called for? Feeling bad so you got to put someone else down? What am I to you, just easy pickings?"

"You're my son-"

"Yeah, and you're confusing son with servant. All you're upset about now is that I'm making my own choices that don't center around you or your lousy shipping company-"

"Family is-"

"That how you word it? 'Family?' You call it family then it don't sound so selfish. You can call me any kriffing thing you want, but at least I'm not out making people feel down about themselves just to make them do what I want."

"It's not me making you feel down – you feel bad, that's your conscious telling you you've done wrong."

Eli laughed, looking up at the ceiling. This was getting ridiculous.

"Yeah, it's my fault. Nice way to turn that around on me."

"You side with the alien again, and that's it."

"Oh, we're moving on to ultimatums?"

Eli's father set his jaw, glowering at him. "I'm dead serious, Eli. You choose the alien, one more time, and you better never let your shadow fall upon our property."

The stab in Eli's chest felt real. He even lifted an arm to his heart.

"You… can't be… where's Mom?"

"You want so you can break her heart to her face?" Eli's father spat back. "You don't think she's with me on this? Listen to me, Eli – no one thinks what you're doing is right. Your entire home world is against you on this. Doesn't that tell you something? Whatever reason you're betraying your family… your species…

"Never thought I'd live to see the day where I had to spell out for a son of mine that siding with an alien was a bad idea. Where'd I go wrong? You always had that soft side to you. Remember the first time I taught you how to shoot a blaster, you cried over killing a hvarst."

Eli felt his blood run cold. Yeah, he remembered it. But while his father could only remember a disappointment of a son, Eli could recall the consequences of showing compassion. His face stung suddenly, as if the memory of that beating had somehow made the pain real once more.

"Should of seen it coming," Eli's father said. He was on a roll now and couldn't stop remembering all his failures. "No ambition, hell, we had to force you into the Navy, you wouldn't have done anything with your life. No guts. No confidence -"

"And who's fault is that?" Eli snapped suddenly. "I'm a grown man, and look at me. I'm still scared of you."

"Not scared enough," his father said, letting the threat hang in the air.

The silence dragged on, until his father finally bit out, "So here's where we draw the line, Eli. Where you standing? With your family? Or the alien?"

Eli's mind flashed to memories growing up. The constant reminders of his many shortcomings. His failures. The image of the perfect son he could never quite reach. And then Eli thought of Thrawn – the encouragement, the patience… and it nearly brought a tear to his eye.

The truth was, Eli was terrified of his father. Even now – separated by hundreds of light years of space, he'd been wincing at each of his father's biting words… wincing in preparation of a blow that would be impossible to fall, yet his mind was conditioned to expect it.

"I don't want it to be this way."

"But it is this way."

"Then I choose Thrawn. Sorry, father."

And Eli reached over and cut the line before he could hear how much of a disappointment he was for a final time.

The silence was smothering. Eli reached up pinch the bridge of his nose. No, it wouldn't be enough. He rubbed the corners of his eyes with the palm of his hand, drying the tears forming in his eyes, only then noticing his hands were shaking.

Would he never get used to confrontations?

The door to the cabin hissed open, and Eli jumped.

"I hope the time you had was adequate," Thrawn said, silhouetted in the doorway. "How are your- Ensign Vanto?"

Eli turned his head away sharply, feeling his shoulders shake as a sob worked its way out his chest. He could sense Thrawn rushing to his side, which made it all the worse.

"Thrawn, please-" Eli held up a hand in defense. The last thing he wanted was to get caught like this. To be so emotional. So weak. He'd made his choice, right? Shouldn't he be happy with it? No more annoying calls to suffer through. But it wasn't like that at all. The conflict… maybe his dad was right? If he felt so terrible, then did that mean he was making the wrong choice afterall?

"Ensign Vanto?" Thrawn asked again, the tone on his voice gentle. Compassionate. Eli didn't open his eyes, feeling doubly ashamed that he wasn't even brave enough to see the concern of a friend. That his own emotions embarrassed him.

A hand on his shoulder.

"Eli?"

Eli suddenly jumped up to his feet, growling, "I JUST LOST EVERYTHING." He worked his fingers through his hair, tightening his hands into fists. His shoulders started to collapse, his whole torso folding forward, shaking slowly as he tried not to cry, and choked over the next words. "Because I picked you."

He looked up suddenly, meeting Thrawn's glowing eyes.

"Please… just… leave me alone," he begged.

Thrawn looked back, his face characteristically blank.

"Please," Eli begged again, his voice cracking.

"I can speak with the Commander," Thrawn started. "About getting you reassigned. I don't want-"

The Chiss cut himself off as Eli turned away.

He really didn't want Thrawn to see him like this. He was supposed to be an officer. He was supposed to have some kind of bearing. And he was in his late twenties – he was too old to be crying. Too old to be scared of an overbearing father. Too old to not realize that there were real life consequences to the choices he made.

But more than that, it was the words Thrawn spoke which drove another knife into Eli's heart. Thrawn was willing to let Eli go, if it meant his happiness. But his father? Would rather have him be miserable, rather hurt him…

And before he could stop himself, he felt his cheeks streaming with tears.

Thrawn stepped forward, and wrapped his arms around Eli.

It was unmistakably a hug, but from a being with no idea how it was done. Eli was completely caught off guard. It felt more like he was being restrained than comforted. He tried to push his way out from under Thrawn's arms, but Thrawn just held on for dear life.

"Thrawn-" Eli said, his voice muffled as the Chiss held him tighter. He struggled again, a sudden need to get away nearly causing him to panic. If his father thought he was weak for being emotional, how much more would Thrawn? The being who could barely express emotions? Let alone feel them?

"Eli," Thrawn whispered, holding him close. "It's okay."

It was all he needed to hear.

Eli let himself cry openly, burying his face into Thrawn's chest. His fingers dug desperately onto Thrawn's back, clinging to the fabric of his tunic. And even though he was scared, even though it felt like his world was collapsing down on himself, Eli didn't feel nearly so alone.

He felt his knees slowly grow weak, and Thrawn's arms tightening around him more. And for a few seconds he hung there awkwardly, until Thrawn slowly guided him to his knees. They were both sitting on the ground, Eli curled up, still clinging to Thrawn for all he was worth. Tears still falling.

Eli had no idea how long he sat there crying. It could have been hours. Thrawn didn't let go.

"You must think I'm…" Eli trailed off. "… for leaving my family. I mean, family's everything for you."

"You don't have to," Thrawn said. "I will gladly find a suitable post for you elsewhere-"

"You don't get it," Eli said. He was firm on that. "It's …"

Eli thought about his upbringing. His father… the way he had ruled over every decision in his life. His mother. Despite the times she was comforting, she was just as rigid, just as xenophobic… when she did hug him, it was just to calm him down long enough to tell him how very right his father was…

Eli thought about Lysatra. A planet he may never visit again. His home. Lost. The sun setting, the air heavy with the smell of hay. Memories about the one time he actually did bring Thrawn to see his home – at his father's prompting, no less. About the jokes, the degradation. The ones that went completely over Thrawn's head, and the ones that didn't… The lack of compassion for a being who was easy to take advantage of.

And Eli realized how, even despite his upbringing, when he was forced to translate for Thrawn… he had every opportunity to do the same. To laugh at him. To lead him wrong. Yet he didn't. Even with his family teaching him human superiority, Thrawn had saved him from a similar fate.

"I chose you," Eli said. "And I did so for a reason."

Could he explain why? It wasn't just Thrawn's charm, though he had that in droves. Eli actually felt good about himself, about who he was, and it'd taken him a while to even realize that was what he was feeling. His family had never done that. Thrawn had.

There was no way he'd ever be able to say all that in words… but Eli had a feeling Thrawn understood.

"I'm honored," Thrawn said.

Eli smiled.

"Yeah, no problem," he said, wiping his face with his hands. "There's no one I could think of more deserving."