AN: This is an additional scene from Shattered that I wrote to include in the version that is being made into an original. Shattered will stay here on this website as well, I just want more people to get the chance to read it because it has a message that I deeply want to share with more people. Especially after so many people reached out to me after I finished it.

I never talked about my own story. But today marks a small anniversary of my own healing.

Today marks the day that I realised that my ex of 6 years was emotionally abusive. That just because he didn't hit me didn't mean that there wasn't abuse there. That just because he didn't always control my eating, purchases, what I did, how I looked didn't excuse the 95% of the time he did. That it is okay to be upset with the fact that he stole my money and left me with $20k debt and it's not all my fault for his manipulation of me.

It marks my rebelling and getting out of the situation. It marks the painful day that I realised I loved him but he was just using me.

It marks my breakdown and finally admitting I was not okay. It marks reaching out for help.

It marks me finally realising and accepting my new BF can love me for who I am even if I'm not perfect. That someone can want to support me to get better for no benefit of their own. That I deserve to be happy and have a good relationship.

For everyone who is not okay: It's okay to not be okay and ask for help. It's okay to need to lean on someone else when you need to. It's okay to put yourself first. It's okay if your brain chemical balance is store brought.

For everyone who has not been okay but is doing better now: I admire your strength to keep going because I damn well now how hard it is. Please remember just how amazing you are.

Asami stood leaning against his bedroom door with a frown on his face and something held in his hand. Akihito sat up from where he was lying on his bed listening to music and looked at his soulmate in question. The man seemed to be searching for the right words to use before sighing and beckoning him over. Cautiously, he switched off the music and moved to stand in front of Asami.

A large hand reached out and gently caressed his cheek before moving down to run over his chin. Asami sighed again and held up the small package in his hand.

Razors.

Akihito's eyes widened. He brought his own hand up to feel the thin fuzzy smattering across his face. It was pretty much just fluff but he was going back to school in less than a week. Most schools here had strict rules about the tidiness of student's appearances.

This was the first time he had seen a razor since the day he tried to kill himself.

He suddenly understood Asami's apprehension and inability to find the right words. Although perhaps just showing them to him out of the blue wasn't the best idea, but he couldn't fault him for not knowing how to handle this.

Surprisingly he felt nothing but a faint sense of dread when he looked at the razors. His hands remained steady as he reached out to take the package from his soulmate. Asami tensed but handed them over anyway.

"I don't want to force you to do anything you aren't comfortable with yet but I thought I should bring it up earlier rather than later."

"It's fine. I don't feel bad or anything looking at them. I can do this, you don't have to freak out."

Asami sighed and ran a hand through his hair, he looked oddly unsettled. "I don't want to crowd you but this first time, let me be with you, just in case."

It was Akihito's turn to frown. "I'm not a kid, I don't need you hovering over my shoulder over every little thing."

"Just this once," Asami repeated. He reached out to caress his cheek again then leaned forward to press their foreheads together. Being so close to his soulmate, being confronted with the sheer intensity in his golden eyes was overwhelming. Asami was worried and he had every right to be. But it made him nervous, even more than the razors did.

"Fine," he whispered back, unable to speak any louder with the man so close. "But we do this right now."

Asami nodded as he moved away, placing a soft kiss to his forehead then leading the way to the bathroom. Akihito clutched the package to his chest nervously as they moved through the apartment.

"You're making me more nervous than the razors are," Akihito muttered as he was led to the sink where the rest of the items he needed for shaving were laid out.

"Don't be, I won't get in your way." Asami gave a strained chuckle as though he was trying to lighten the mood and Akihito had to wonder at the odd behaviour. So far, his soulmate had been the height of smooth words and actions. Nothing seemed to ruffle the man and he always had the perfect words of comfort for him. Yet now his anxiety was leaking through the cracks in his façade.

He supposed it was just proof that his soulmate was as human as the rest of them, regardless of the persona he had normally. Surprisingly, it was that knowledge that helped to calm Akihito's nerves. Asami can be worried enough for both of them.

As he ran through the mechanical movements for shaving, he let himself switch over to autopilot. It had been a long time since he had shaven but his body still remembered the movements. He had stopped shaving after he had taken apart the spare razors in their old family bathroom to get access to the blades.

He remembered cutting his fingers trying to get the sharp metal free and how freeing the pain had been. It had been a physical pain to match the one burning inside of him. He felt no pain now, no anguish. Just an odd numb feeling.

Opening the packet, Akihito took out one of the two razors and held it up for inspection. Nothing. He felt nothing but that same sense of faint dread. It was the same feeling he got when he thought about his parents or the new school term. It was like he knew he should be feeling something bad but couldn't summon up the will to feel anything more.

He was aware of his soulmates looming presence somewhere behind him but he remained out of sight and out of view of the mirror above the sink. It was a relief, this would be a lot harder if Asami wasn't giving him his space. Being close to his soulmate made him feel things and he didn't want to lose this curious sense of numbness.

Not just yet.

After lathering up his face, Akihito set to carefully running the blade across his skin. The press of the blade against him had no more effect than using a knife when cooking had. He was aware it was dangerous and he knew to be careful.

That was until he nicked his chin with the sharp blade. Dark red welled up from the cut and the sharp sting threw his mind back into his memories. His eyes fixated on the blood in the mirror and he could see nothing else. It was like the room narrowed down until there was nothing else and he could hear an odd ringing in his ears.

He became aware of the razor being pulled from his trembling hand and his face being tilted to the side. He blinking, trying to clear his vision and Asami's serious face was suddenly right in front of him. Akihito remained pliant as he pressed something against his chin before pulling him against his hard chest.

They stayed like that for a long time, until Akihito stopped shaking. He was oddly dry-eyed and almost unfeeling beyond awareness of the stinging of the cut. Usually he would cry but instead, he felt almost disconnected from his own body.

"Let me finish the rest," Asami said gently, ignoring the shaving cream on his shirt as he pulled away to look down at him.

"Okay," Akihito whispered in return.

He still felt disconnected as his soulmate carefully lathered up his face again and picked up the discarded razor. The feeling of the blade running gently over his skin felt like it was happening to someone else. Even once they were done and Asami was putting everything away, he felt distant. He trailed after the man and settled on the couch at his urging to watch a movie with him.

As odd as it was, Akihito found he didn't mind. It was better than feeling too much, at least.

VFVFVFVFVFVF

Akihito's reaction to blood had been unsettling. Asami had thought that the razor blades might trigger him but was surprised by his calm reception to the idea. He had thought long and hard about how to introduce him to the idea and in the end, couldn't settle on a method. Instead, he decided to tackle it head on and came home from work early just in case.

It appeared that it wasn't the blade itself but the blood that was a trigger. What Asami had learnt so far was that Akihito would react obviously when upset; vomiting, crying, moodiness, withdrawal.

Yet this time, he had been trembling but he seemed oddly distant. It scared Asami more than he was willing to admit. It was not the usual withdrawal that he had seen over the last few weeks but something deeper.

The young man had curled up on the couch next to him with no resistance, no comments, and no expression at all. It was like he was removed from his own body.

Was this a different form of a panic attack? He had been expecting something of the sort. Reaching out to ruffle a hand through Akihito's hair, he resolved to ask Tamura-sensei about it later. His soulmate didn't react to his gesture, didn't rail against him for treating him like a kid like he normally did. He only sighed and leaned into the touch.

As much as he wanted Akihito to be comfortable with him, this was odd behaviour for him right now. He wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. It felt like there was a wall up around Akihito while he was this disconnected and nothing he could say would breach it. Instead, Asami resolved to stay physically close and offer what comfort and support he could that way.

Slowly as time went on he seemed to come back into himself. Akihito still let himself be pulled up against his side in a casual embrace while they watched TV but his movements became more animated. His eyes lit up and he started to talk more, commenting on the movie and laughing at the jokes.

The endearing shyness about their proximity was the last thing to return. The cute flush adorned his cheeks as he tried to squirm away but Asami wouldn't let him. He had been soaking up the physical affection all afternoon while he seemed out of it, it wouldn't hurt to get a little extra in.

That and he enjoyed the more natural feel to their evening now that Akihito was talking and moving again. Asami was not above teasing his little soulmate if it meant he got to pull a reaction out of him.

Anything was better than his distance earlier.