A/N: I added an omake chapter. Sorry it took so long…writing this AU of mine is rough. Especially this chapter.

solder
/ˈsädər/

verb

1. A metal or metallic alloy used when
melted to join metallic surfaces.

2. Something that unites.

The guilt was eating at her.

He was amazing. Kind. Caring. Patient. Conscientious of her reactions to him. Sensitive to her state of mind, and beyond understanding of her boundaries it was almost annoying. But it showed that he cared, and every day she was more comfortable than the last.

But she would get flashes.

When he'd hug her, she'd have a flash of him groping her hips. When he'd kiss her, she'd remember him hovering over her. Sweaty. Rough.

And she hated it.

She hated it, because Natsu was nothing like him. She hated how she couldn't seem to keep a wrap on her memories and she hated how it was affecting him. His touch sometimes made her flinch, and she could see how it stung him—even though he knew why she did and he hadn't done anything wrong.

It had been almost two years since they'd split, and those flashes were still there. They wouldn't cause her to panic now like they had in the past, but her heart would race a bit and she'd need to remind herself he was gone.

"Lucy?"

The blonde turned from her spot at the window to Erik.

He was casual today with a slightly open button-down shirt, cuffs rolled up. He'd foregone a tie and his hair was more wayward than usual. It was comforting.

"You haven't said anything yet."

Lucy blinked, looking up at the clock, realizing that she had indeed been staring out the window for twenty minutes, lost in thought. She shook her head and wandered over to the couch, sitting down.

"You haven't been back much since Natsu was here," he regarded her with a soft expression, "are you still okay with talking to me?"

The blonde blinked, "Of course! That's not the issue!"

The violet-haired man eyed her curiously, waiting.

Lucy bit her lower lip, bringing up her knees to hug them to her chest. She didn't want to tell him, but knew she had to. She shouldn't be thinking this way. She had an amazing man in her life who was everything she'd ever wanted, yet her head refused to let her forget.

It was a few more moments before she looked back to Erik.

"I get flashes when Natsu and I are together…" she said softly, averting her gaze from his once again, "and it's killing me."

There was a pause before Lucy heard his pen scratching against the paper. "Is he doing anything that—"

"No!" the blonde snapped back to look at Erik and shook her head furiously, "Not at all! That's why I feel so guilty."

Erik cocked his head to one side, "Why guilty?"

Lucy sighed, "Because he's amazing, and I shouldn't be thinking about…him. Natsu is nothing like him and I don't know why…" her voice cracked. "I just feel so bad."

She watched as her shrink set down his notepad and pen, and rested his elbows on his knees, leaning towards her. "Lucy, you have nothing to feel guilty about."

Tears pricked the backs of her eyes as she curled more into herself, "But…"

Through the haze of her watery eyes, she could see him smile. "You are perfectly normal. Don't feel guilty about this. These memories are vivid, they're still fresh. It's okay for them to pop up once in awhile. It's normal. Especially with what you've been through."

Her vision cleared as the saltwater cleared from her eyes, warming her cheeks and soaking into where her chin met the fabric of her jeans.

"Lucy…" Erik's voice was soft, "have you talked to Natsu about this?"

She shook her head, "I'm scared to."

"Why?"

"I just…" she trailed off, voice lowering to a near whisper, "…I don't want him to think he's done anything wrong or that I'm thinking of someone else when we…"

A small smile pulled at the corners of Erik's mouth.

"You and I both know he won't think that."

Lucy took a deep breath and let it out slowly, pressing a hand over the pounding thrum in her chest. Logically she knew that. Her heart just decided not to catch up to her head for some stupid reason.

"It's just, Natsu'll hold me…but then it's not him anymore. Suddenly I'm back in his hands, I'm stuck in his room, in that house. In that relationship. I'm back there and I panic even though I know it's over and…" she swallowed thickly.

"Lucy?"

The blonde's eyes darted over to her shrink.

"Do you trust me?" he asked, relaxing back into the cushions of his chair. There was something smug about his body language and Lucy's eyes narrowed.

"Yeeeah…" she drawled, eyebrow raised, "why?"

"Talk to Natsu about this. Tell him."

Lucy's stomach plummeted and churned so quickly she felt like she might puke.

Tell Natsu?

Erik smiled at her fidgeting.

"I know Natsu, Lucy. Trust me."

His eyes were alit with a painfully large smirk, yet held a knowing behind them that had Lucy's anxiety fading quickly.

Tell Natsu.

Back out the window, the two birds she was staring at earlier burrowed into their little nest together. The male cardinal rubbed his cheek against his mate, resting his beak atop her head as she lay down on the bundled twigs.

"Alright," she whispered.

…

It couldn't wait.

The burning in her gut had diminished, sure, but it came back in waves, threatening her sanity and plaguing every corner of her head and muscle in her body. The sooner she told him about this the better. That way if he was going to end things with her, he could do it before she got more attached to him and maybe, they could salvage their friendship.

She had to remember that he was more than just the man she was seeing, he was her best friend. If he didn't want to be involved anymore she still wanted him in her life.

She swallowed as she raised her knuckles to the door, knocking five times, quickly.

A few bangs, crashes, and yells echoed from inside before Natsu came to the door, cracking it open an inch. He was panting, eyes wild as they darted to and from Lucy.

"Heya, Luce—" wham, "—whatuh…watchya doin' here?"

The blonde raised an eyebrow, anxiety forgotten momentarily, "I came here to talk. What about you?"

A sheen of sweat covered his brow and hairline as he bit his lip, looking back into the house, "Nothin'. Nothin' at all."

Lucy sighed, pressing a palm to her forehead. "Why don't I believe you?"

Giving the door a good shove, she barreled into his apartment with a sputtering Natsu tripping after her, hands outstretched.

"Lucy, Lucy c'mon, it's nothing! Really! I mean…like…Luuuuuuce!"

She ignored him.

His house—that was normally a stye on its own—was even more of a wreck…if that was possible. Slashes decorated his couch and throw pillows, stuffing bursting from the newly ripped seams. Curtains, once whole, hung like streamers and a distinct fishy smell assaulted her nose.

"What the fuck?"

A small movement caught her attention out the corner of her eye. One of Natsu's discarded shirts had a ball wiggling under it, moving toward one of the sleeves.

Curious, Lucy dropped down into a squat before crawling toward the bundle, watching as a small pink nose popped out from under the fabric.

"Natsuuu…"

Bright green eyes glowed from within the darkness of the shirt before a blue head popped out and watched her intently.

"Oh my god," Lucy whispered.

He was so cute!

With a slight squeal, Lucy threw the shirt off the small kitten and pulled him into her chest, nearly crushing the thing in her arms. All fluffy and adorable and—

"Lucy! Watch yourself! He'll—"

Deep purrs echoed in her ears as she nuzzled the cat's head, faintly registering him pushing back and pressing against her cheek and nose.

It was a few moments before Lucy looked back to Natsu and his hanging jaw.

"Might wanna close that, you'll catch flies," she snickered, rubbing behind the little guy's ears.

"Wh…how…what…did...huh?" The longer she held him, the more gobsmacked Natsu was. "How are you doing that?"

Lucy blinked, finally taking in her boyfriend's appearance.

He was shirtless, which would've made her blush were it not for the bright, angry red scratches that criss-crossed his chest, stomach and arms. There was even one solitary one on his face which was weird since the others were in sets of three or four.

"What the hell happened to you?" she muttered.

"That thing!" Natsu pointed an accusatory finger at the happily purring bundle of blue fur. "Happy happened."

"…happy?" Lucy's brow furrowed, "What do you mean?"

Natsu let out a frustrated growl, "I picked up the evil thing at the shelter. His name is Happy."

"Happy…" the blonde echoed gently, scratching under his chin. "Suits him if you ask me."

"He destroyed my house," Natsu grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm not even supposed to really have an animal in this place anyway. I've gotta take him back."

"No!"

The pinket glanced down to her, one brow raised. His hardened expression softened at the sight of Happy in her arms. With a sigh, he dropped to his knees and scooted over toward her, eyeing the menace wearily.

Lucy watched as the blue furball opened one eye at Natsu's approach, tracking his movements. The paws wrapped around her hand curled, clawed tips digging into her skin slightly.

"Hey," the blonde warned, glaring at the kitten, "you be nice to him. He's your owner and if you do this again he will take you back."

Happy let out a low purr-grumble, opting to burrow into her chest instead of try to attack Natsu again.

"Give him one more chance?" she asked, looking back to the annoyed welder.

He eyed Happy wearily before sighing.

"Fine."

Lucy beamed at him and Natsu couldn't help but smile back at her.

A grin that, at first adoring, lit up with an evil glint.

"But you're helping me clean up."

Carefully untangling herself from the blue animal, Lucy stood and lay Happy down on a nearby shredded pillow, tail curling around him. Her heart warmed at the sight as she turned back to Natsu with an amused smirk.

"Look on the bright side," she started, taking a step toward him.

Natsu looked at her with an unimpressed yet expectant expression.

She brought a finger up to his chest, tracing the skin on either side of the angry red lines, "We can conserve paper now if we wanna play tic-tac-toe."

Lucy had to avoid Natsu's swipes as he tried to catch her whilst running around the apartment.

…

With new curtains hung, pillows and cushions sewn shut, clothes picked up, and a whole lot of Febreze, Natsu's apartment could almost pass for presentable. Now all he had to do was pick up the piled bits of iron and tools he used for metalworking—as well as the various art pieces—and he'd be golden.

Happy had wandered over to a box to curl up in which left Natsu lounging on the couch, exhausted.

"Never knew he'd be this much work," the pinket grumbled, letting his head loll back on the sofa.

The blonde wandered over to plop down next to him, mimicking his posture. She came to rest on his chest however as he brought his arm down from the back of the couch to wrap around her shoulders, drawing her close.

With her ear pressed to his sternum, the sound of his heart and breathing overwhelmed her as she closed her eyes.

"You know my heart beats differently, right?"

Lucy's eyes snapped open, lungs drawing in a shuddering breath as she pulled away from Natsu. Her own chest thrummed with a ragged pounding of her own, disobeying her brain's command to calm the fuck down.

With a palm over her left breast, the blonde did her best to breathe slowly and ease the racing of her heart. She curled her free hand into a fist before rapping the heel against her forehead.

His voice wouldn't go away.

Because even when the memories that weren't so bad surfaced, they would always be accompanied by something else.

Breaths in her ear as he hovered. Grunts.

She swallowed, curling into herself, pressing her forehead into her knees.

"Lucy?"

A hand rested on her back gently and she flinched at the touch, guilt immediately pooling in her stomach at the reaction.

"Fuck," she whispered, pulling away and backward on the couch, facing Natsu. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"

He smiled at her wanley, "S'okay, Luce. You don't have to apologize to me."

She shook her head, "I do…the memories…you don't deserve to feel like you're doing anything wrong. You're not. I know you're not him…I know…it's just…"

Pricks dotted the backs of her eyes as her chest ached.

"Dammit," she croaked.

She bit her lip but it didn't help. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she curled into a ball, trying to cease the heaving of her chest and failing miserably. She soaked the fabric of her pants, hiding her face as best as she could from him as she cried.

"He ruined me," she whispered. "He ruined me and I can't fix it. I thought I was doing better, but I'm not, and…"

She faintly registered Natsu moving toward her on the couch. Her ears picked up the sound of his arm laying atop the headrest as the heat from him reached her exposed skin. He didn't touch her. He let her know he was here without getting too close.

He was too good for her.

"I'm broken, Natsu," she said softly. "He broke me…who the hell could love me now?"

Letting the hold on her legs loosen, Lucy sat back, glancing to him briefly before looking away.

"He's everywhere," she swallowed, the feeling in her gut slowly fading as she confessed but the worry building in her chest instead. "He's everywhere and he shouldn't be. When I hear a song in the car with you, it shouldn't take me back to when I was with him. When you hand me a fucking apple it shouldn't remind me of his obsession with apples. When you…when you kiss me I shouldn't be remembering his teeth digging into my neck."

She bit her lip, avoiding the burning gaze of his. She couldn't look.

"You aren't him," her voice cracked, "and I know that. I know that…and…"

She felt hands come down to cradle her face and thumbs brush away the tears.

"It's okay, Lucy," he whispered, "I was…am the same."

The blonde blinked, finally looking back to Natsu.

A pained smile pulled at his features as he wiped the streaks from her face. He swallowed, breathing deep before pulling back and averting his gaze.

She watched as he turned away from her, rounding his back. Muscle moved beneath his skin as he raised an arm and bent it, fingers coming to rest between his shoulderblades.

Beneath the tips, Lucy could see thin, faded, silver scars. From how they blended into the flesh of his back, ridges gone, they were from a long time ago.

With how quiet the room was, Lucy could hear his breathing as he broke the silence.

"You asked me awhile ago how I knew somethin' had happened to you," he said softly, letting his arm fall to his lap. "I know because of what happened to me."

Lucy moved her hands from her legs to his back, tracing the faint silver lines. She felt him tense beneath her touch and though he didn't pull away, she could hear the change in his breathing.

"I was a foster kid," he told her, looking back to glance over his shoulder, "because my father was an abusive drunk who liked his leather belt a little too much."

…

She listened.

She listened and learned what had happened to Natsu. Learned about Gajeel and Erik being his foster brothers. About where his scarf had come from. About Igneel.

He told her about the night his father had come back for him; about the night Erik and Gajeel had gotten the scars she'd seen so many times now.

And he told her how after that—and even before that—he had issues with people touching him. Even though it was his foster father, or his brothers, or a friend, a touch to his skin—especially his back—always made him flinch and more often than not sent him into a panicked state.

He was facing her now, hands cradling hers and squeezing gently.

"So I know you don't mean it, and I know yer not scared of me," he tilted his head to one side to keep her gaze when she tried to look away, "and you've got nothing to feel bad about."

A smile broke over Lucy's features as new tears fell.

She nearly tackled him, arms wrapping around his neck in a grip that was most likely choking him. He didn't seem to care as he linked his arms around her waist, drawing her closer.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you," she whispered, releasing her death grip to trace the scratches on his chest with her fingertips.

Natsu said nothing as he buried his face in her hair.

After a few moments he spoke.

"Is there anything else you wanna tell me?" he asked.

Lucy was silent for a bit before she answered, "He would touch me whenever he wanted. It wasn't necessarily malicious, but I wasn't always comfortable with it. He'd be so upset if I said no I just dealt with it and figured I'd get used to it."

Lucy found herself being pushed off Natsu, gently, his hands on her upper arms and gaze serious.

"That is not okay," he said firmly, eyes hard. "Someone touching you when they haven't asked or you not giving them permission is never okay."

The blonde looked away, "I just figured I'd get used to it and that it wouldn't bother me anymore."

"Lucy."

She turned back to him when he didn't continue.

"That is not how you go about something like that. If you're uncomfortable, you don't just throw yourself into something and hope it gets better. He should've respected you when you said no."

The blonde bit her bottom lip, resting her forehead against his chest and gritting her teeth.

"He'd pull on my hips, force his hands into my underwear even if I rolled away and said no. Get his hands under my shirt and into my bra, grip at my ass," she shook her head. "And he always wanted more. It was never enough. Never."

"Lucy…"

She looked up to him.

"You…are beautiful. You. Not just your body. You. You're beautiful, and kind, and caring, and stunning in every sense of the word. You, yourself, are enough, just being who you are. If I never got to touch you again, it would be okay simply because having you in my life is more than I coulda ever hoped for," as if to prove his point, Natsu folded his hands behind his head, propping it up to keep an eye on her.

"You aren't broken even if ya feel like you are. You've been through somethin' nobody should've been exposed to and you're healing. You aren't ruined. You're living. You're surviving and you're learning to move on…" he trailed off.

"Don't let this make you feel guilty," he told her, eyes searching her face for any sign of the wretched emotion, "but sometimes when you or anyone else touch me, I flinch. Especially when something feels like leather. I know that it isn't, but a part of me is still scared."

Lucy swallowed.

"It's been over ten years, and it doesn't happen a lot. But sometimes I'll get flashes too," he rolled his shoulders, shifting under her slightly, "and when I do, I feel the fear until it's gone.

"And, Luce?"

She looked into his eyes. His painfully gorgeous, adoring eyes staring at her all gorgeous and adoringly.

"When you're in fear, I'm here for you."

She reached for the hands folded behind his head and pulled them down to her waist, burying her face in his neck and pressing her lips to the side of his throat.

"I feel so unworthy…"

His arms tightened around her.

"You are so worthy," he said lowly, resting his cheek against the side of her head. "So worthy, Luce."

Silence.

"You are so loveable."

They lay there on the couch until Lucy felt something soft on her back and patter around in circles. Glancing over her shoulder, the blonde smiled at the sight of Happy curling up on the small of her back.

"Lucy?"

"Yeah?"

Natsu cocked his head to one side, brushing hair away from her face, "Would it make you feel more comfortable for me to ask permission to touch you until you tell me I don't have to anymore?"

Her eyes widened at the question, "You don't have to do that, Nats—"

"That wasn't my question," he interrupted with a smug grin.

Lucy blushed, "…if…if that's okay…"

"That's more than okay," he said softly, gaze tickling and warming her skin.

She went to lay back down on his chest but was stopped by his voice.

"Lucy?"

"Hm?"

"Can I kiss you?"

The grin that broke over her features lit up her whole face.

"What took you so long to ask?"

Leave a review if you'd like! :)

-zb