Title: Struggling
Category: X-Files XRA
Author: Singing Violin (Pearl on Ephemeral/Gossamer)
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: The X-Files characters and universe are not mine.
Summary: What happens after the screen goes black in "My Struggle II"?
Archiving: Anywhere, just let me know.

Dana Scully awoke to the sound of a crying baby, and suddenly realized she was experiencing a long-forgotten but still familiar sensation: a pressure in her bosom, bordering on pain, along with the rush of adrenaline that came with the instinct to tend to the distraught child.

She slipped her legs over the side of the bed and stood, then immediately regretted it as black spots started to form in front of her eyes. She quickly grabbed onto the bed to steady herself, then sat back down upon it and put her head between her knees, sighing with frustration.

At that moment, Mrs. Scully came through the door, cuddling the infant, who seemed to calm slightly as she rocked it. She eyed Dana, who had looked up when she heard her mother enter. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart," she told her. "We didn't mean to wake you. Are you okay? You shouldn't be out of bed."

"I'm fine, Mom," Dana lied. "Just stood up too fast. I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep again. Thank you for the soup, by the way." Maggie smiled and nodded at her, and before she could think through the implications of her next request, she continued, "May I hold him?"

Mrs. Scully couldn't hide her slight surprise, but willingly placed the child gently into Dana's arms, but remained protectively close to the pair.

Looking down, Scully recognized the infant as her own son. But that's not possible, she reminded herself. William is a teenager now.

And Emily is even older...or would be, if she had survived.

Suddenly Dana gasped, realizing one logical conclusion to explain the evidence that had been presented to her since she woke up in this room the first time. We're dead, all of us, including William. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she didn't even notice that the baby was nuzzling at her breasts, which were beginning to leak, forming little wet spots on her nightgown around her nipples. No, she insisted to herself, I'm not going to accept that possibility. Besides, would that mean Mulder is still alive, since he's not here? Why, then, would everyone be saying he's dead? I feel alive; I must be alive; I just have to figure out how to get back to reality.

Maggie shot a meaningful look at her daughter. "I think he's hungry," she assessed. "Do you want me to leave so you can feed him?"

Now Dana looked down and realized what was happening, but in a moment of panic, worried she wouldn't know what to do. "No, that's okay," she told her mother. "Please stay. I mean...if you don't mind." With that, she looked up at her mother, allowing her to see the myriad of emotions that plagued her at the moment.

"Of course," Maggie responded, putting an arm around Dana briefly, then reaching for the infant so Dana could reposition herself.

The younger Scully sat back against the pillows and lowered one of the straps of her nightgown to expose her breast, then the older Scully placed the child back into her arms, and he immediately latched on and began sucking hard. Dana drew in a quick breath, then exhaled slowly as the initial sharp pain subsided and was replaced by an overwhelming sense of euphoria she vaguely identified as a hormone rush.

It was only then that she realized that this was a new sensation: she'd chosen not to nurse William so many years ago, because Mulder had left her alone again, and as a single working mother, she'd felt that the demands of breast feeding would have been too much for her to handle.

Or at least, that was her excuse. In truth, she'd needed to keep somewhat of a distance between herself and her son, both because of her fears as to his true nature, and the implications that continuing to be physically connected to him might have for both of them if he wasn't completely human, and also because in the back of her mind, she always knew she might have to give him up, and needed to prepare to make that transition as easy as possible for both of them.

But now, she was getting a second chance to do everything the way she would have, had other factors not interfered.

This isn't a second chance, she reminded herself. It's an illusion.

She realized, then, that William—or what appeared to be—had unlatched and fallen asleep in her lap.

Startling her, as she'd forgotten her mother was still in the room, was Maggie's voice, "Do you want me to take him back to his crib?"

Dana looked up and nodded vaguely. "Yeah." Then, fearfully, she added, "Where's Emily?"

Carefully taking the baby from her so he wouldn't wake, Maggie looked approvingly at her daughter. "She's in her room," Mrs. Scully explained. "She was hoping to spend some more time with you, but I told her to let you rest after you fell asleep before. Shall I go get her? She'll be ecstatic."

"Yes, please," answered Dana. "I'm looking forward to spending some time with her too." I never did get to spend much time with her. Now I'll actually have a chance to get to know her.

Then she reminded herself that none of this was real, that the Emily she would be getting to know was just a fantasy, possibly one created by her own subconscious, or worse, a trap devised by the Cigarette Smoking Man, and that she should be focusing on gathering information in order to find her way out of here.

But a part of her didn't care.