AN: Hope you will like this chapter~
"Do you love him?"
He blinked slowly. Silence crept through the open window like the autumnal air. "Love…" he uttered wistfully, his mouth tugged upwards to form the skeleton of a smile. "What a funny word…love that is. I once thought I knew what that strange word meant, but I was too young, a fool. Now I don't know what it means. I don't know if it even truly exists. Tell me Arthur, what do you think love is?"
As Yao directed the question back to him, Arthur opened and closed his mouth. Then he let out a frustrated sigh. "Love is when you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. We're not children anymore, we don't have that freedom to act without thinking about our consequences," he said, the smallest hint of premature wrinkles appearing on his forehead.
"So someone you decide to spend the rest of your life with then?" Yao echoed his words.
"Yes…"
"What if I say I want to spend the rest of my life with this racer? Would you say I'm crazy?" he laughed like he was making a joke. Although his words were true, they invoked a sense of childish humor. "Ah yes, I must be crazy. Do I love him you asked? Well, I don't know. I really don't know. Maybe I just got used to him, maybe I'm too lazy to find someone else. The trust is, I don't know."
"You used to brag about knowing everything…" Arthur softly murmured to himself.
He remembered what he used to say. "I knew nothing… and I still don't know anything. Sometimes I like to fool myself into thinking I see through things no one else can, but at the end of the day I'm just as blind as everyone else, if not more stupid. But despite all of this…"
"What?"
Gazing at his blurry reflection in the porcelain cup, Yao seemed momentarily lost in his own thoughts. "I think I do."
Arthur raised an eyebrow. He could guess what Yao was referring to, but he always preferred a straightforward answer. Vagueness meant uncertainty, it invited denial. "You think what?" he asked.
"I think I love him." Yao looked up at Arthur. His voice was calm and expressionless. His words could be replaced with casual formalities about the weather and it still wouldn't have made a difference. "It's true, I don't know what love is. But if love is just a word, then who's to say I don't love him? We've been together for almost three years now. I'd be more surprised if I don't have feelings for him… even a dog would have grown attached to its owner."
"Who's the dog? You, or him?"
Yao chuckled. "Who knows."
They sipped their tea as silence, their old friend, sat quietly in the empty chair. Yao swallowed down the bitter taste, although he didn't have a sweet tooth, the harsh aftertaste lingered in his mouth. Yet there was something smoothing to the way it numbed his tongue and throat.
"Like, love, lust, what's the difference? They all began with 'L'," he said suddenly. "I know what you are thinking. And I know how I must look to you. Unmarried with a man. I know, I know… I heard it all from my parents, you don't have to repeat their words. To be honest, I gave up on relationships a long time ago. I didn't want commitment and I didn't want to get attached. I was fine with living by myself. Never happy, but content nevertheless."
"And then he came into your life?" Arthur guessed the obvious.
"And then I was happy." Yao smiled slightly. "He made me happy. The times we spent together, I was happy. It's that simple Arthur."
He nodded his head as if he understood.
"We didn't do much. We moved in together after only knowing each others' names. Granted I already knew things about him from Alfred, but we were essentially strangers to each other. I never learn from my mistakes, but perhaps meeting him again and again was my best mistake. We weren't even sure what our relationship was for more than a year, and we certainly never went on dates or anything like that. But somewhere along the way, we got used to falling asleep and waking up besides each other…Oh I'm sorry, you never asked for the…details."
"No it's fine," Arthur said. "He um… he seems like a pleasant person."
Yao laughed. "He's a big kid. You should have seen him with his puppy dog eyes whenever I tell him I'm not coming home due to work. My god, he looks like a giant teddy bear."
Looking amusingly at Yao, Arthur said, "You really love him don't you?"
He glanced away. Few strands of his loose hair fluttered naturally, carried by the soft breeze. "I want to be with him. Till his last day, I want to be with him."
Then as Yao turned his head and the old friends locked eyes, Arthur knew there was nothing more he needed to ask. The truth was apparent on his face. Words might be lies, but a person's eyes spoke multitude of what rested in his heart.
"Maybe one day, if I'm lucky, I'll get to meet this guy."
It was a small step, but Yao's fingers flinched at the unexpected acceptance. He had no friends left, and he didn't need accompaniment to fulfill a false sense of security. But it had been too long since he saw people from his past. He used to be his friend. Maybe one day, he could truly call him that again.
"One day…" Yao said, quiet yet clear, questioning yet unwavering.
Yao didn't know if everything could go back to the way it was, and he didn't know if he wanted to go back. The ink of the past remained dried, and his future peered blankly at him. But at least he was able to come to terms with some of his feelings. Ivan Braginsky…he was the racer who drove fast, the thief who stole his comfort in being alone. Yao was afraid to call him his boyfriend. Because boyfriend meant two things: marriage or breakup. They were never going to get married in a church, and the idea of never seeing Ivan again… Eventually that day would come where they would part ways, and become strangers once again. The inevitable conclusion to their story. They weren't fictional characters in a movie where the end was defined by a tragic parting or eternal promise. They would disappear from each others' lives quite silently, maybe they would glance back as they walked further down separate roads, but he doubted they would return back to one another. Despite of seeing the future, Yao contemplated the whisper of a possibility that they could stay…together…forever. It seemed silly, but he was willing to be with Ivan as long as Ivan felt the same. No…even when they stopped being in 'love', he wanted to stay beside him.
"Listen, Yao," Arthur said, his tone serious with the smudge of regret. "I'm sorry I brought up some…unpleasant things from the past. I'm truly sorry."
Yao stopped him. "Don't worry about it…It was my fault too for getting so agitated. I thought I didn't care anymore, but I guess some scars never heal."
"I'm sorry."
He was not the one who wielded the blade, and his apology wouldn't make the scar disappear. He couldn't blame anyone but himself, Yao knew that very well. "Best blessings to you and Franny. I'm sure you'll make a great father."
"Yao…"
"Yes?" He said as he stood up from his chair.
"You would have been a good father too."
His lips shaped into a tight smile. "Well that simply isn't possible anymore, is it?"
The bells rang as he left the café. Checking his watch, he knew he was going to be late to Ivan's test run. When did this man become his everything? He did not know. There were so many unanswered questions, some would be revealed in due time, some were best left in the dark, while other answers simply didn't exist. So Yao walked forward without looking back. He seemed to know where he was going.
When did love go sour? When did that fire of passion dwindle into a faint spark and die?
Yao scanned through his sister's questions, unsure of how to respond. It had been many years since his sister last contacted him, not to mention asked him for advice. Well it was understandable since she was going through some troubles with her husband. He could recall how in love with him she seemed when she was just in university, how fast time had passed.
His fingers hovered above the keyboard of his phone, yet no words of comfort seemed appropriate for her dilemma. Hardly the expert on love, Yao turned off his phone and sighed.
Glancing at the man beside him on the bed, Yao looked at him wordlessly while Ivan's eyes were glued on his laptop.
When did love go sour?
Her words echoed in his ears.
"Ivan," Yao called out to him. As if he didn't hear him, Ivan made no signs of any acknowledgement. "What are you doing Ivan?" he tried again.
Ivan mumbled something inaudible.
When did that fire of passion dwindle into a faint spark and die?
Even though they still slept in the same bed, gone were the days when the bed sheets needed to be washed and changed daily. Their touches and kisses became rare, and on the days they did have sex, it was finished quickly like they were completing a task. Few words were spoken before Yao left for work and fewer words during the night when he came back. Less like lovers and more like roommates.
Yao reflected on the choice of going to sleep in this bed or grabbing a blanket and migrating to the couch in the living room. In the end, he chose neither.
Leaning over Ivan's shoulder, Yao uttered the words on the screen, "We drove fast and died young. Crashing into the gray smoke, I rode into the eternal sunset… What is this Ivan?"
Ivan finally looked at Yao. "It's nothing, just the lyrics to a song." He closed down the tab and moved the laptop to the nightstand. Yao narrowed his eyes at his action.
"I didn't know you had the musical taste of a high school boy."
Not offended at all by his words, Ivan chuckled. "Not everyone listens to Beethoven or Chopin like you."
He shrugged. "Classics are classics."
Just when Yao was about to turn away from Ivan and sleep, he felt him pulling him close to his chest. His arms wrapped firmly around him, and his head nuzzling his back, Ivan said, "That song meant a lot to me…it still means a lot even now."
"Why?"
"That is my life," Ivan said, his lips pressing to his skin, and his warm breath landing on the barren land like the gust of spring. "I lived my whole life like the lyrics of that song. I believed in them; they were my mantra… I heard the song when I was a kid, probably nine or ten, and from there I thought I heard the truth: it was better to follow your dream and yield to self-destruction than to live a disappointing life."
It had been a long time since he kissed him like that, Yao thought while Ivan placed speckles of kisses over the back of his shoulders. "No dreams are worth handing your life over," Yao said.
"But there's no point in living if you are not striving towards something."
"Is that how you feel?" Yao said, turning his head to look at Ivan. The Russian man caught his lips with his mouth and prodded entrance. The kiss lasted less than five seconds.
"Yes," he answered him.
"And this dream of yours? What is this dream that is worth more than your life?" Yao didn't bother to hide the irritation in his voice.
"You know what it is."
"No tell me. I want to hear you say it." Yao observed his roommate of four years, waiting for the dreaded reply.
"Racing," Ivan said it plainly. "The race track is my life, Yao. We have gone over this before."
Yao rolled his eyes and faced away from Ivan. "You're obsessed."
"Racing is all I've known. That is all I have." His arms clutched Yao tighter, but nevertheless the distance between them grew.
"Winning is not everything."
"It is to me." Ivan knew he was gripping him with an intense force, but Yao made no sound. "I have to, I have to, I have to get first place."
Yao faced away from him because he didn't want him to see the pained expression on his face. But more importantly, he didn't want to see the look in Ivan's eyes. "But you are already so accomplished! You already have so much! Why do you-"
"I don't have anything." Ivan cut him off. It was only after his words were released that he realized his harsh tone. Ivan wanted to take back what he said, but he wondered if Yao truly understood him. Why couldn't he see how important racing was to him? Why couldn't he understand that he couldn't just give up the one thing his entire life was built on?
"You have me…" Yao whispered. "Or does that mean nothing to you?"
Silence. It was eerily unnatural, like a dawn devoid of birdsong.
"I guess I got my answer…" Yao softly mused. He didn't pull away from Ivan's unyielding arms, but that was because he had grown tired.
"That's not what I mean. Stop it Yao," Ivan said impatiently. He was tired too.
"Then what did you mean?!" Yao could not stop his voice from rising.
"I love you." Yet he said it with exasperation and annoyance. How many times did he have to repeat these words to Yao just for him to completely ignore his sentiments?
"But you obviously love racing more," Yao said, his voice sounded more bitter than he expected.
"Oh my god, you can't be serious."
"Well then tell me which one do you love more?" He hated himself for asking. Despised the childish irrationality in his words.
"You can't tell me to choose between you or my dream."
"It's a simple question Braginsky. Just say the damn answer!"
Of course he knew what Ivan was going to say. What he wanted to say anyways. But he needed to hear him say the horrible truth. Maybe he would prefer the lie, Yao was sure he could make himself believe in it eventually.
Ivan snarled. "If I wasn't a famous racer, I doubt you'd even sleep with me in the first place. Look, why are we fighting? " His hand toyed with the strings on Yao's boxers. "How about we do it tonight? Hmm? We haven't done it in so long."
Maybe he said no, maybe he said yes, he couldn't remember. What happened next was their bodies coming together in the most animalistic way. The moans, the wet sound of the thrusts, and the squeaking bed formed a vulgar symphony for the savages.
After they were finished, Yao got up from the bed. Ivan told him he could take a shower in the morning, it was late and he should go to sleep. However Yao pulled on his pants, and said, "I'll sleep on the couch tonight."
His legs felt a little sore, and he walked away with limpness in his steps. Ivan didn't call him back. And among all those marks on his body and heart, that one was the most painful.
"You want me to what?!" Ivan was attempting to control the volume of his voice, but he found it difficult to be reasonable at this moment.
"You heard me," Yao responded coolly. "I don't want you to keep going back to the racetracks."
"Okay Yao, I don't have time to play your games. We can continue this conversation when I come back." Ivan grabbed the jacket from the closest. He was reaching for the scarf, but decided against it.
"Ivan Braginsky, look at me."
Ivan sighed and turned to face the Chinese man. "We went over this before. And I told you many times how much my career means to me."
"But you were injured!" His arms were crossed and his face stone-cold. "You could have lost your life."
"It was a small accident, things like that happen all the time."
"Because it happens all the time, that's why I don't want you to go back!" Yao clenched his teeth. It seemed he cared about Ivan more than Ivan cared about himself. Idiot.
"Did you watch those YouTube compilation videos about racecars crushing again? Is that why you're so paranoid?" Ivan said with aggravation. "I've been doing this for over twenty years now, I know the risks."
"Then are you waiting for the day when you would actually be killed?! Is that what you're waiting for?!"
"If my death can bring me the glory that my life never had, then be it!" Ivan snapped.
Yao stared at him in shock. "How…can you say that?" He shook his head slowly. "How dare you throw away your life this easily..."
"This life means nothing to me if I can't win."
Yao regretted ever meeting him. He regretted coming back for a second night; for if he had never cared about him, he wouldn't have to endure through this constant fear of him disappearing from his life.
"Your life…means nothing to you…?" Yao repeated his words as if they would make more sense to him if he said them out loud himself. They didn't. "Do you realize what you're saying? You think that winning and glory would matter after you're dead? There's nothing after death! There's no eternal sunset! Your life isn't a stupid song!"
His hands were curled up into fists. "You don't know anything…" he uttered calmly with rage. A storm was brewing.
"No, you don't know anything. You don't know how much you…." Mean to me. He couldn't finish his sentence. Ivan you know I love you right?
"No matter how many times I told you, you still don't understand," Ivan said resentfully. "My whole life was centered on this single entity. My father spent the family fortune just so I could have a chance to fairly compete with everyone else. For so many years, right from when I was nine years old, I had only one thing to fight for. I lived on the race tracks my entire goddamn life! You think I don't want to have a normal life with you? But what could I do besides racing?! This is the only fucking life I know! Of course you wouldn't understand how I feel…YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING! YOU HATE YOUR JOB, YOU HATE YOUR FRIENDS, YOU HATE YOUR FAMILY, AND YOU HATE YOURSELF! YOU NEVER CARED ABOUT ANYTHING!"
His voice rose above the ceiling and reached beyond the walls. Their Pandora boxes opened and what came out of them shattered both of their hearts into a million pieces. His face brightened, a shade of crimson on his ivory complexion. Ivan breathed heavily, surprised by his own outburst of emotions. When he saw the expressionless look on Yao's face, he wanted to slap himself. What had he just done.
Yao blinked slowly. His eyes had a deadness, a stillness. "You're quite right Ivan," he spoke with the calmness of a desolated wasteland. "I never felt passionate towards life. While other people knew what drove them forward, I had nothing. I studied hard in school because my parents wanted me to, so I did what was required of me. It wasn't intelligence or anything that put me in the top ten percent, it was just determination and hard-work. But I lacked passion, I didn't love science, math or any subjects. So there were always people better than me. People who truly loved what they were learning. My life was decided for me by my parents, the choices were becoming a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. It didn't matter to me because I didn't know what I wanted to be, so I chose engineer. Everyone around me loved something; they were inspired by the world, and I…I couldn't find the muse in anything…Except people… I placed my heart in people, Ivan. What a tragedy that is, for the people I cared always left me."
"Yao…" He was afraid to speak.
"Listen. I couldn't find passion in my world, but I found it in people. And yes Ivan, you could probably guess where they are now. They left me. I was never enough compared to what they truly loved. So I learned from my mistakes. I didn't want to put my energy into another person again. But of course, here we stand… what do you think about that? The man you thought to be a cold man turned out to be the one who loved you. I love you. Are you that surprised? Were you that blind? Or did you just not believe in it since I never said it enough times for you? I love you, I love you, I love you! Are you happy now?! DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW? THAT I LOVE YOU? "
His eyes were a knife in Ivan's ribs, the sharp point digging deeper with every word. They were two cowards who loved. Afraid to be wrong, afraid to get hurt, they dug their own grave.
The blood drained from his face, and Ivan felt his insides tear. "I love you too…" he whispered.
Yao shook his head. "Let's end this. We're both tired right? All we done when we first met was to fuck, and now all we did these past months was fighting. Almost five years now… From a one night stand to five years." He chuckled. "Admit it, we surprised ourselves. Ivan Braginsky… you should have let me go that morning. No, I should have left before you even woke up."
"Why didn't you…" His throat was dry, and he choked on his last word.
Yao smiled at him. The same smile he always wore. "Because I wondered about the possibility of us."
Ivan closed his eyes as his body trembled. He couldn't look at him as he walked away. He felt him passing by his shoulder, and he heard the door closed behind him.
Five years…Was that all they could have? If he prayed harder every night, would Yao still be in this room right now? If they had met under different circumstances, would they have been more honest with one another?
All alone in this ride, my only wish was for my man to be by my side.
That was always his favorite part of the song wasn't it?
Ivan stayed rooted in the spot, frozen, and detached. One second. Two second. Three second. Where was Yao now? Ivan didn't know how long time passed, but he knew it was long enough for Yao to be a stranger once more.
"Goodbye," Yao said as he slowly took his lips off and lifted himself up from Ivan's broad chest. Ivan watched him as he climbed out of the bed, put on his pants and buttoned up his shirt. The racer wanted to say something…anything. But no words no came. The stranger didn't look back once as he gathered his stuff and walked out of the hotel room. What was his name? Ivan couldn't remember. He guessed it didn't matter since it was just a one night stand. But strangely enough, he wondered if he should have said something, should have stopped him from leaving. This grief was unnatural so Ivan shrugged it off carelessly. Yet he couldn't stop but to look at the closed door. Goodbye, he thought. Maybe in another world I didn't let you go.
He couldn't let him go.
The world seemed to slow down as he turned and ran out of the door. He couldn't even feel his feet on the floor, couldn't feel his heartbeat, but he knew he was chasing after more years with Yao. Five was not enough, nor six nor seven. He chased after forever.
The elevator opened in front of Yao, but before he even had a chance to take a step, he fell on the ground from the impact behind him. Ivan held him with his heart and soul, with his arms wrapped around him the racer started to cry.
"P-please…Yao…" Tears spilled down from his face dampening Yao's shirt. "Don't leave please…"
Yao's lips trembled and his shoulders heaved with emotions. "Let me go…Ivan…" he whispered painfully. "What future is there for us? What possibility is there aside from our departure from one another?" His dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears, his hands clenched into shaking fists.
"Let's get married," Ivan uttered though his sobs. "Marry me Yao."
He worried about him constantly. Videos of racecars crushing overwhelmed his vision every time he saw the rows of racecars dashing over the racetracks. The roaring crowd became statics in his ears, almost like bees buzzing, it wouldn't stop.
Their story began on the racetracks, with him sitting in the audience seat, and him behind the wheels.
And this was where their story would come to an end.
Yao couldn't bear to look anymore. The dread crept down his spine like a careful spider leaving a trail of silk. He felt its feet on his skin, descending until he was frozen to the spot. His stomach was full of lead; His feet were set in concrete; His mind plagued by fear.
Every little unexpected movement of the racecar unnerved him. So many things could go wrong in so little time. He was deathly afraid of the endless possibilities.
His last race. That was what he had promised him. After this race, no matter if he won or not, he would retire.
Yao swallowed as the countdown began towards the finish line. He was almost there. Please.
Don't let anything happen to h-
He saw the future before it ever occurred.
An approaching train. Like any good nightmare it doesn't matter where you run because it keeps on coming just the same. As time runs out your feet become heavier until they are set in concrete on the tracks. And then all you can do is wait to be destroyed, wait to be nothing more than blood and bone fragments.
His pupils became dilated, his mouth opened into a silent scream, and his blood turned cold.
There was an explosion, and the racecar bursted into flame. The once pale blue sky was now shielded by a veil of darkness as the smoke swallowed up the whole sky.
Were fire and death what he saw in the burning lights of the fireworks?
TBC.
AN: Actually THE END! Hahaha just kidding (or am I?), my friend will kill me if I just end it here. No promises to Ivan's wellbeing :x, but there will be one more chapter after this to wrap everything up...
On a more serious note, I hope this chapter held up to your expectation T.T