Title: Struggling
Category: X-Files XRA
Author: Singing Violin (Pearl on Ephemeral/Gossamer)
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: The X-Files characters and universe are not mine.
Summary: What happens after the screen goes black in "My Struggle II"?
Archiving: Anywhere, just let me know.

Dana Scully awoke to the stench of tobacco smoke coming in through her window; apparently it hadn't been shut properly after the gunmen had left. Quickly, she dressed and went outside to find C.G.B. Spender standing in the garden, calmly puffing on a cigarette.

He turned to her and stated cheerfully, "Ah, you're awake! And might I say, looking much better. I was told you wanted to see me."

She nodded. "I want to go home," she stated simply.

"Ah, but Dana, you are home," the Cancer Man insisted. "What makes you think otherwise?"

"This isn't real," Scully asserted. "None of it. It's impossible. Half the people here are dead. Maybe all of them."

"I saved your life, more than once," Spender retorted. "What makes you think I couldn't have saved theirs? Do they seem dead to you?"

Scully remained resolute. "They don't seem dead, no, but they don't exactly seem alive either. My guess is this is some sort of hallucination or virtual reality, and the only reason I can think why you'd want me here instead of in the real world is because someone in the real world needs me, someone you want to keep me from getting back to help. And I'm guessing that person is Mulder."

"I told you, Dana, Fox Mulder is dead. Nobody is sadder about that than I, but alas, I couldn't save him."

"Bullshit," spat Scully. "Now I'm even more sure that he is not only alive, but needs my help. I will find a way out of here; if you won't help me, maybe someone else will."

Spender shrugged, then took another puff of his cigarette before speaking. "If you insist on pursuing this, I can't stop you, but I'm afraid your efforts will prove fruitless. My offer to bring you anything you might need or want—within the limitations of possibility, of course, but I'm capable of quite a lot, as you can see—," he waved his hand around, indicating the near-perfect world she was currently a part of, "still stands. But you know what they say, if you want to get back to Kansas, just click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home.'"

"You have got to be kidding me," Scully scoffed.

The smoking man smirked lightly. "It's worth a try, isn't it? I'll bet Fox would have considered it."

"No he wouldn't!" objected Scully. "You had him trapped in some sort of illusion, like this, and he didn't manage to get himself out at all - I rescued him, with some help from people you subsequently had assassinated. And if I could rescue him then, I can rescue myself now. I'll just have to figure out how."

"Remember, Dana, there are people here that need you: your mother, your children, your friends if you would bother to make room for them. That's why I brought you here. But as I said, if you insist upon ignoring the people here in order to chase ghosts, be my guest. Nobody can stop you; we can only wait for you to return—if you can return. Remember, not all roads are two-way streets. Good luck."

With that, he dropped the butt of his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it, then walked away.

Dana reentered the house to find her mother cooking breakfast. Ordinarily, the aroma would set her stomach growling, but after the conversation she'd just had, it was making her slightly queasy.

"Sit, honey," her mother insisted. "Have some breakfast. What were you doing outside? And without a sweater! It's nippy!"

"No it's not, Mom," the younger Scully replied easily. "It must be sixty-five out there. I was fine...am fine."

"Still, you had a rough night; have some pancakes," offered Margaret.

Dana sat, but replied, "I'm not very hungry, Mom. Maybe later."

"All right," said the older Scully, "but breakfast won't be hot forever. No complaining that it's cold after waiting 15 minutes to decide you're hungry."

"Mom!" Dana objected. "I haven't done that for years! Besides, I'm a mom now too...I've gotten used to cold meals."

Margaret chuckled slightly at that, then changed the subject. "Are you going to tell me what you were doing outside?"

"Um, yeah," Dana said, steeling herself for a potential argument. "I was talking to the Cancer Man, C.G.B. Spender. Asking him what I need to do to...uh." She stopped, realizing she had no idea how to tell her mother that she didn't believe in her existence and wanted to go back to reality.

Margaret immediately froze, then turned around, seeming to have forgotten all about the pancakes as she stared at her daughter, wide-eyed, for several long moments before finally speaking. "Don't do this, Dana," she pled. "Stay with me, here. With Emily and William. We love you, and we want you here, with us."

Dana chewed her lip as tears began to form in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Mom," she said sincerely, "I wish I could, but I don't belong here. And I'm convinced someone else needs me, somewhere else. But anyway, I don't even know if I'll succeed."

Margaret just stared and shook her head sadly, watching her daughter visibly fight her guilt. Finally she added, "At least say goodbye to your daughter if you intend to leave. She's just got you back and she is going to be devastated if she loses you again."

Dana nodded, then changed her mind. "I'm not sure that's a good idea; I may not be able to go through with it after I see her."

"Wouldn't that mean perhaps that you shouldn't 'go through with it'?" her mother retorted angrily.

Just then, Emily walked through the door, then wrinkled her nose. "What is that smell?"

Dana put a hand over her mouth, then quickly dropped it. "Oh! Mom, the pancakes are burning!" She got up to help, but was waved off as her mother turned around and quickly rectified the situation, dumping the burnt pancakes directly into the trash, scraping the pan, then starting a new batch.

"Mommy!" Emily cried as she came to Dana and wrapped her arms around her legs.

Dana picked the little girl up in her arms and hugged her tightly. "I love you, Emily, you know that right?"

"I love you too, Mommy," Emily said, then added, "Are you going away again?"

Dana blinked furiously, attempting to hold the tears at bay. She put the little girl down, then knelt before her, looking directly into her eyes. "I don't know, Sweetheart," she admitted. "But if I'm needed somewhere else...if someone else needed me more than you, would it be okay if I did?"

Emily shook her head 'no' and started to cry. "Stay, please, Mommy. Stay with me and William and Grandma."

"Oh, Emily," Dana sighed, pulling her back into her arms.

Just then, William's cry pierced the air.

"Go, Dana," ordered Margaret. "He sounds hungry. Maybe you'll get your appetite back after you feed him. I'll take care of Emily."

Dana pulled away and squeezed Emily's shoulder before rising and heading towards the baby's room.