Title: Struggling
Category: X-Files XRA
Author: Singing Violin (Pearl on Ephemeral/Gossamer)
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: The X-Files characters and universe are not mine.
Summary: What happens after the screen goes black in "My Struggle II"?
Archiving: Anywhere, just let me know.

"Are you sure you're okay with this much walking, Scully?" Mulder asked as the branches crunched under his feet. He half-expected an eyeroll and an "I'm fine," but she turned and met his eyes steadily before speaking.

She took a deep breath. "I don't trust the hotel room not to be bugged," she admitted. "Especially after we were gone for several hours. Here, in the middle of nowhere, I'm hoping we can't be heard."

He nodded knowingly. "I get it, but when did you turn into me?"

She didn't even smile, as she would have once upon a time. "I have reason to be cautious."

"So I gather." Mulder eyed a large rock nearby, and nodded towards it. "How's about we sit over there and you can tell me about it? Unless you don't think we're deep enough into the woods yet."

She looked up, noting the significant canopy. "I guess this is good enough."

He sank onto the rock, then waited in silence while she settled herself beside him.

She fiddled with her hands for a few moments before finally looking back up and into his eyes. "How do I know what's real?"

He chuckled lightly. "I often ask myself the same thing."

The worry in Scully's eyes indicated his response hadn't amused her. His face grew serious, and he tried again, "This is about what you saw when you were being held, isn't it?" She nodded. "When Spender operated on my brain, I saw things too. It felt real, while I was there. But when I came back, I knew it wasn't."

"Let's just say I'm not as certain as you were," Scully admitted. "How do I know you're real?"

He thought for a moment. "I can tell you I'm real, though I don't suppose I can offer you any proof. But does it matter?"

She responded by way of a frustrated glare.

"I mean," he continued, "what is reality anyway except what we perceive? Maybe, if we believe something's real, it is. We've certainly seen some evidence of that in our work. Tulpas and so forth. The band-aid nose man."

Again, she didn't even smile. "I just don't want to tell you something personal if you're not really you," she admitted. "I'm not even sure I want to tell you if you are you."

He sighed, looking down at his hands. "Well, I'm not going to push you. But it sounded like you needed to get it off your chest, and I'm here, listening. I can't control whether you believe in me, but I wish you would." With that, he looked up at her longingly.

She nodded and paused for quite some time, chewing on her lip, wringing her hands, and glancing around their surroundings. Finally, she met his eyes and spoke. "I've recently been pregnant and given birth, Mulder," she admitted. "More recently than William. The examination confirmed it."

His eyes grew wide with alarm. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she told him. "Not to mention that my physical symptoms and…other things…corroborate what I found."

"Other things?" he queried.

"Um," she began, "I've been dreaming about a baby. My baby. Maybe our baby. That I was pregnant, and gave birth, and Cancer Man took it as his own. And," a tear rolled down her cheek, "even though I'm not even sure whether it's real, I feel like I'm missing a child."

He reached out and took her hands in his own. "They're just dreams, right? Could it just be William that you're missing?"

She shook her head. "That's what I'm not so sure of, what's a dream and what's real. And it feels different than William. I miss him too. And Emily."

"Well, dreams can be manifestations of our subconscious knowledge," Mulder admitted. "It's very possible that something happened to you, and your brain is trying to tell you what."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," Scully admitted. "And if Spender impregnated me and then took my baby…just like Sveta…" Her voice broke; she didn't need to continue.

He reached around her and gathered her towards him, then just let her cry, rubbing her shoulder gently.

When her sobs had softened to sniffles, he pulled away slightly so he could face her again, then addressed her quietly. "Why do you think the Cancer Man would do this?"

She shook her head. "Last thing I remember, before I saw the space ship, you were pretty badly off. The treatment I was giving the others wasn't going to work for you; you were past that point. You needed stem cells, from William. But I had no idea where William was. I guess it's possible Cancer Man created another child for the purpose of treating you, and maybe others."

Mulder grabbed her hand again and squeezed gently. "Even if that child saved my life, Scully, it doesn't make it right. I would never, ever have participated if I'd known what was going on."

She looked up at him with wide, watery eyes. "I know you wouldn't." Then she started, and pulled her hands back into her lap. "What do you mean you wouldn't have participated? What did you do?!"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I was pretty sick, and then he told me you were going to die and only I could save your life. I did what he told me. But I swear, Scully, I know nothing about a pregnancy or a child. All I knew was I wanted to get you out of there alive, and I did."

She pursed her lips. "I believe you. But it still doesn't make sense. Why would Spender go to such lengths just to save you?"

Mulder sighed. "I agree, he wouldn't. But we share DNA. Is it possible he needed it to save himself? What saved me could save him too?"

"Yeah, maybe," Scully admitted. "Or maybe that cure his company marketed was derived from the child's DNA. So our child was essential to his 'saving the world' and making a name for himself, as well as a lot of money."

"Again, that doesn't make it right, Scully," Mulder reiterated. "Even if the child saved the whole world, you were violated to create it, and that's not okay."

"Yeah," Scully agreed uncertainly. "Though, if I'd known, I probably would have volunteered, and so would you."

"Maybe not, given that it's Spender we're talking about," Mulder pointed out. "I've never trusted him, and I don't trust him now, especially considering what we've seen and discovered in the last couple of days."

"Yet you trusted him enough to do whatever he told you would save me?" she shot back, standing up from the rock and crossing her arms as she faced him.

He looked defeated. "I know, it might not have been a good decision, but you're alive, and so am I. We live to fight another day."

She continued to glare at him, so he continued. "You're my weakness, Scully. You always have been. Ever since I first met you. I'd risk anything if I thought the alternative was losing you."

"And that's exactly why you lost me," she told him, so quietly he almost didn't hear.

"I know," he told her. "But I also know you'd do the same for me. It's just…less risky, because you actually know what you're doing. Not that you haven't ever trusted the wrong person, even Cancer Man once."

Now she was crying silently again, and she dropped her arms and sat back on the rock beside him. "Cancer Man promised me a cure to save many lives. I couldn't pass that up. But he tricked me, and I won't make the same mistake again."

At that, Mulder smiled sadly. "I'd rather you make that same mistake again than stop trusting everyone, Scully. Being ridiculously paranoid is my job. And I don't like it when you do my job for me. Because I can't do yours."

"Oh yeah, and what's my job?" Scully asked.

"A lot of the time, your job seems to be to save me from myself," Mulder answered matter-of-factly. "But you also save other people, whether it's as an FBI agent or a doctor. That's your weakness; you'd risk anything to save someone's life, and that's why you went with that cigarette-smoking bastard, and why you'd do it again. And even though I was angry at the time, I love you for it."

She was left speechless for a moment, tears still streaming down her cheeks as she grabbed for his hand this time. When she'd recovered enough, she addressed him. "So, what do we do now?"

"Well," he replied contemplatively. "I think we go get something to eat, and then we go back to the hotel room and rest. And when we get a chance, we talk to Skinner about going back to work, as soon as possible. Getting our death certificates nullified and whatever else needs to happen. Find a more permanent place to live, together if you'll have me. And then we'll find out what's been done to you, and why, and if that child is still alive, we'll find it and keep it safe."

"Her," Scully replied quietly, looking up at him, her tears subsiding. "The baby's a girl."

"How do you know?" Mulder asked curiously.

"My dreams," Scully responded. "Is that silly?"

Mulder grinned at her. "No, not at all. Anyway, what do you say?"

She contemplated his plan for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I think that could work."

"Good," he replied, then got up off the rock and offered her his hand, which she took, and rose beside him.