What You Wish For
Chapter 9
I'm baaaaack! That's right! What's it been? 2 years? 3? Either way it's been a while. And I'm mega, mega, MEGA sorry about it! I just completely lost the writing bug. And life got in the way. But I'm getting back into it and I wanted to finish this story as it has haunted me all these years. I apologise as the writing isn't completely on point. I'm pretty rusty and out of practice but it's all coming back to me so stick with me and hopefully it gets better. I've written a big welcome back chapter for you all to make up for the delay and I know EXACTLY what's happening in the next few chapters so that should help with keeping the updates regular.
If you've stuck with me after all this time I'm eternally grateful! If not, I completely understand. But I beg you to read and leave me a review. I want to finish this story. I want to get back my writing vibes. Let me know what you think.
They don't belong to me, I'm just an SVU junkie! Read and review and thanks for putting up with the MASSIVE DELAY! – Fic xxoxox
"I'd love you anyway."
Elliot's eyes slowly rose over his computer screen.
He subtly watched his partner as she filled her mug at the coffee pot. He tried to contain his frown as Fin moved to fill his own cup; the two of them laughing about the standard of coffee they were forced to drink in the 1-6 and the need for hazard pay.
He schooled his features to one of nonchalant indifference, hoping that Liv wouldn't see the vein ticking in his temple. He tried not to read too much into her soft laughter, the gentle smile she gave Fin as he poured coffee into her mug for her. He tried not to notice the way their bodies leaned casually toward one another; the subtle comfort of two people who had known each other intimately. The way her hand lingered on Fin's shoulder, the way Fin's eyes softened as he looked at his Olivia, the way they didn't seem aware of anyone else around them.
He knew that he was being a jealous bastard. He knew that had Olivia not told him herself that she and Fin had been sleeping together he would only have that burning sensation in the pit of his gut and no justification. He knew that no one else in the station would see Olivia and Fin's behaviour as out of the ordinary or inappropriate or intimate. This didn't stop Elliot from seething. He knew and that was enough. He wanted to smash his fist into Fin's face. He wanted to get into the mother of all alpha male fights right there in the squad room. He knew it was ridiculous. He knew he only had himself to blame. As Olivia had told him – she'd gotten tired of waiting for him to make a move. But he had made a move. He'd kissed her. He'd told her his feelings. So why was she still over there flirting with Fin?
It had been a couple of weeks since that night; since their kiss. It hadn't gone as he'd planned. After her bombshell about Fin and his declaration of love they had sat in awkward silence. He hadn't intended that to happen. He hadn't wanted her to feel pressured or that he was angry; he just didn't know what to say. How was he supposed to act when the woman he loved told him she was sleeping with someone else?
Eventually he had left. He'd kissed her cheek gently, trying to convey his feelings in that small move. She had reached for his hand as he turned to leave. That small gesture gave him hope. He didn't know where they stood or what was going to happen but at least he could hold onto that moment and know she didn't hate him.
"Just give me time," she had told him. How much time, he'd wanted to ask? But he would be patient. He knew that you didn't push Olivia Benson. Especially when it came to matters of the heart. You let her come to you when she was ready. It didn't make it any easier for him and after having had his lips on hers he desperately wanted to kiss her again.
Swallowing a growl as Fin reached out and fixed Liv's collar Elliot was grateful when Cragen stuck his head out of his office and called them to attention.
"Stabler, Benson – I need you to collect those medical records on the Firelli case from Warner."
"On it Cap." Elliot stood quickly; glad for the distraction. He looked pointedly at Liv. "You ready?"
"Sure," she gave Fin a quick look and moved to grab her jacket off the back of her chair.
Once they were in the car Elliot let out a breath he didn't realise he'd been holding. It wasn't as though she would say no to going on an assignment with him.
"Ok?" He asked, his voice scratchy in his throat. He glanced at her as he pulled out from the curb. His lips pulled into a soft smile as he took her in. She was beautiful as always, especially when she got into business mode.
"Ok?" She repeated, looking at him curiously. She was trying hard to ignore the memories of his lips on hers and him smirking at her like that wasn't helping. She'd felt his eyes on her when she'd been talking with Fin and had chosen to ignore him. She wasn't going to stop being friends with Fin just because Elliot had decided he was interested in her. In fact, in the couple of weeks since that night she had managed to keep her life on a precarious balance. She hadn't let either Elliot or Fin affect her work. She had maintained a professional relationship with them both within the confines of the 1-6 and for that she was pretty proud of herself. Especially considering the emotional turmoil, she was in.
"Are we ok?" He elaborated. He needed to hear that much from her. She'd declined talking about what had happened. She hadn't been rude, or angry or even outright pushing him away. She had just been distant. She hadn't led him on and she hadn't rejected him. But he needed to know that they were ok, especially as he needed to know she had his back.
"El…" she sighed and he could hear the argument gearing up in her voice.
"I'm not trying to talk about it, Liv. Or push you or anything like that. I just want to know. Are we ok?" His eyes found hers as they paused at a traffic light and he implored her with his. He watched her swallow, look away quickly and then look back at him. Elliot tried to ignore the pounding of his heart, embarrassed that her answer meant so much. His eyes locked onto her tongue as it darted out to lick her bottom lip. He wished he could capture that lip with his own.
"Yeah, we're ok El." She gave him a soft smile before turning back to the road. Elliot felt a smile settle on his lips before he returned his focus to the road. They were ok. That was all he needed. Things between them may still be up in the air and he sure as hell wanted to know what was going to happen with her and Fin but he'd take what he could get.
Warner had been mid-autopsy when they had arrived so her assistant had delivered them the records. Not knowing how long Warner would take, Elliot suggested they go to lunch on their way back to the 1-6 instead of waiting.
They sat opposite one another and both tried to ignore the sense of Déjà vu at the situation. They were in the diner just down the road from the 1-6.
"You want a burger?" Elliot asked, waving over the waitress. "The lot?"
"Only if you're having one too," Liv laughed. "I'm not going to look like a pig."
"I was thinking of just having the soup," Elliot teased. Liv lifted a sceptical eyebrow at him.
"You wouldn't dare."
Chuckling, Elliot placed the order for two burgers with the lot with the waitress. As their drinks arrived he sat back comfortably in the booth. His eyes naturally drifted to his partner and he couldn't help but admire her. This was becoming a guilty habit but he didn't feel in any way bad for it. She was made for looking at. Her beautiful eyes, her olive skin, her short brown hair. He longed to run his fingers through her hair.
"Penny for your thoughts?" She asked with a smirk, catching him ogling.
"You wouldn't want to know," Elliot teased back. "You look thoughtful yourself." He noted. Because she did. You didn't work with someone for as long as they had worked together without being able to read one another. And despite the fact that Olivia could be a very closed book, he knew how to read her eyes.
"Hmm." Was all she said before taking a sip of her drink.
"Anything you want to talk about?" He asked cautiously. He didn't want to scare her off if he seemed like he was trying to start that conversation.
"How are the kids?" She hedged, changing the topic. Elliot allowed it, knowing better than to push.
"They're good. Busy. Too busy for their old man. Hoping Maureen makes it back for a weekend soon."
"She's enjoying it?"
"As far as I can tell. Kathy tells me I stress too much. She's in college, she's supposed to be distant, supposed to be out with her friends. But I'm her dad, you know. It's my job to worry." He ran his hand over the back of his neck and gave an embarrassed chuckle.
"How's Kathy?" Olivia asked. If Elliot hadn't known her as well as he did he wouldn't have heard the slight tone in her voice. Was that jealousy he heard?
"She's good. We haven't actually spoken much lately. But I think she's finally getting through the anger stage. Kathleen told me she even had a date the other week." Olivia's eyebrows shot up.
"Really?" She couldn't help her surprise. Elliot's candour was already disorienting her and it was just such a shock to hear that Kathy was moving on.
"Yeah. We are getting along so much better now. The kids have even noticed it. There's no pressure there anymore. Before the divorce…" he paused, his mind travelling back to the fights, the harsh words, the accusations. Olivia reached her hand out to grasp his on top of the table. Elliot gave her a grateful smile before continuing.
"There was just so much anger. On both our parts. I felt like a constant failure. I felt like a terrible husband and a useless father."
"Elliot, you're an amazing father!" Olivia protested.
"Thanks Liv. I want to be a good father. But even I can admit that I was emotionally unavailable to the kids. Kathy and I were shutting each other out so much that we accidentally shut the kids out too. It's still taking some getting used to; not seeing them every day but I appreciate the time I spend with them now. I can enjoy it without feeling guilty."
"I'm glad for you, El." Liv said genuinely. It saddened her to hear that he thought so little of himself. He had always been a model father to his children in her eyes. And he'd been a faithful and dedicated husband too. Liv knew that Kathy had suspected her and Elliot of having an affair on many occasions. Perhaps that had been the reason she had worked so hard to try and help Elliot save his failing marriage. A guilty conscience for harbouring feelings for a married man. Seeing him finally finding peace in his life made her happy.
"Thanks Liv."
Their food arrived and they ate in companionable silence. Olivia realised it was the first time in a long time since they'd been completely at ease with one another. It felt as though Elliot's openness had reconnected them. The issues they'd been having, the arguments, of only a few weeks ago seemed much further in the past. If it wasn't for the niggling feeling in her gut telling her she needed to decide what she was going to do regarding Elliot and Fin she'd say they were completely back to normal.
And there was the rub. She cherished her working relationship with Elliot. They balanced one another. When one became too invested in a case the other was there to pull them back from the brink. When one was failing to look after themselves the other was there with coffee and food and an ear to lend. They complimented each other and it was like no other working relationship she'd ever had. The fear that if they let something more happen between them would ruin everything was forefront in her mind. She couldn't deny that the night they'd spent together shopping and sharing dinner hadn't been amazing. She definitely couldn't deny that thoughts of their kisses weren't lingering. But was the risk of a relationship that may or may not work worth possibly losing their partnership? She just didn't know what to do.
And then there was Fin…
"You wolfed that down!" Elliot exclaimed, impressed. Olivia wiped her mouth with her napkin, embarrassed.
"I was hungry," she admitted sheepishly.
"Do you want desert?" Elliot moved to call the waiter over.
"No, it's ok. I'm full now." Liv sat back with her hands on her stomach, her eyes on Elliot's fries. Laughing, he turned the plate towards her, offering her a fry. Liv took one, popping it into her mouth with a grin.
"Sure you are," Elliot laughed. Olivia laughed with him before stealing another fry. Elliot watched her as he sipped his soda. "How's Fin?" he asked innocuously. He knew why he asked, but at the same time couldn't really believe that he'd done it. Why did he always have to spoil good moments? What was wrong with him?
He sensed the change in her immediately. Olivia almost recoiled from him. Her arms crossed across her chest. Her expression darkened. Elliot sighed. God he was an idiot. He was about to apologise when she cut him off.
"Was that a not so subtle way of asking if I was still sleeping with him?" Olivia said quietly, her voice icy cold.
"No, Liv. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that at all."
"You really are something else, Elliot." She said, her anger coming through. Elliot frowned, unsure what she was getting at. "You can't even give me time to figure things out."
"Liv, stop. I honestly was just asking. I didn't mean anything by it. You know where I stand and what I feel. I told you I'd give you time."
"Yeah, you're giving me time." Sarcasm was like a second tongue to her, it appeared. "Glaring at him all day in the squad room. Getting all jealous whenever I talk to him. You think I didn't notice this morning when I was getting coffee." It was Elliot's turn to look chagrined.
"I didn't think you saw that." He mumbled.
"You think I don't know what it feels like when my partner is staring daggers at me?" She gave him an incredulous look. "After all this time?"
"Liv, I'm sorry. I'm trying. This is hard for me to! You've just sort of left me hanging here. I don't know if you're still sleeping with him or if you want more with me or what. It's like you want the best of both worlds!"
The minute he said it he knew he'd made a mistake. The look on Olivia's face was one of such utter betrayal, such hurt that he felt a small pop inside his own heart. Shame filled him. He tried to reach out for her, to try and fix the damage he'd done with his careless words but it was too late.
Olivia jumped to her feet and threw a handful of notes on the table.
"I'll pay for lunch." She sneered. "I'd hate for you to think I was just using you for the free meal." And with tears in her eyes she turned and fled.
Elliot leapt to his feet, banging his thighs painfully on the table. He knocked his glass over in the process, spilling soda down the leg of his pants.
"Liv!" He called after her as she fled into the street. He hustled to catch up with her. "Liv, wait a minute. Let me explain."
"Leave me alone, Elliot. You've explained enough." She sped up, heading towards the precinct.
"Liv, just speak to me!" Elliot reached out and grabbed her hand just before they reached the doors of the precinct. He spun her towards him, away from the people entering and exiting the building. "Please Liv," he begged. His heart broke when he saw the tears trailing down her cheeks. He hadn't meant for this to happen. Why did he always stuff up so badly when it came to her?
Behind her he saw Fin exit the doors of the precinct. The other man saw them and moved towards them, not realising anything was amiss.
"Hey, I was just comin' down to see if you were at the diner." He said, his tone light. Elliot wanted to growl out loud. This was just what he needed. With his emotions teetering dangerously he did not know how he was going to keep his cool with the cause of his main concern right there in front of him. He could barely even stand being in the same room as Fin; knowing he'd been with Olivia.
"Can we have a minute?" Elliot asked gruffly, not looking at Fin.
"What's up?" Fin asked, moving closer, picking up on the tension. Elliot unconsciously tightened his grip on Olivia's hand, wanting to pull her to him. He wanted to fix this with her. Olivia surprised him by viciously tearing her hand away from his.
"Let me go Elliot!" Her voice rose, almost panicked. Was she afraid of him? He looked at her in shock; his expression mirroring hers. She looked as though she couldn't quite believe she'd done that.
"Liv…" Elliot struggled to find the right thing to say. It didn't help that Fin was upon them.
"You alright, Liv?" He asked in that voice he used when he was talking just to her. That voice that drove Elliot mad. He clenched his fists.
When Olivia didn't answer Fin moved forward, slightly between the two partners. He saw the tears streaking her face and felt his own anger well.
"What you need baby girl?" He asked softly, completely ignoring Elliot standing there. He'd deal with him later. His first priority was making sure Olivia was ok.
"I just need to the both of you to back off!" She yelled. A few nearby officers turned to see the commotion. Fin gave them a fierce look and they continued with their business, but he knew they were eavesdropping.
"Woah there, baby girl!" He said gently, his hands up in surrender. "Tell me what's goin' on." He looked from her to Elliot and back again.
"Stay out of this Fin," Elliot snarled. "This doesn't involve you."
"If it's something to do with Liv bein' upset, Stabler, then yeah, it does involve me." Fin turned to face the other detective. "What you do to her?"
"Would you both just leave it alone?" Olivia pleaded, exasperated. She wanted nothing more than to be out of there. She was upset, hurt, and beyond embarrassed that this was taking place right outside their workplace.
"Walk away, Fin." Elliot warned again. "This is between me and Liv. Liv, come with me and we will talk about this."
"She aint goin' nowhere with you Stabler." Fin stood in front of Olivia, blocking Elliot from her. The action was the same that they would take with a victim and a perp. Get between them. Protect the victim. It was a positon Elliot had found himself in with Olivia on several occasions except that he was usually the one protecting Liv, not the one she was being protected from.
"Liv…" he tried to get her to look at him once more but she was wiping her eyes and looking anywhere but at the two men. It was clear she was desperately trying to gather herself. He couldn't feel worse if he tried.
"This all because you finally saw what was in front of you, Stabler?" Fin barbed, getting into Elliot's face. Fin's anger had risen its ugly head as soon as he'd seen the tears on Olivia's face. He was sick of Stabler upsetting her.
"Back off, Tutuola." Elliot growled.
"You realise that someone else saw how great she was and you didn't like it. Didn't like the idea of her maybe movin' on from pinin' after you and so you decide to throw your weight around?" He was right in Elliot's face.
"Fin…" Olivia warned, reaching out to pull him back. "Leave it."
"You better listen to her, Tutuola." Elliot snarled. "Back the hell away from me."
"What's the matter, Stabler? Don't like that she's fucking someone else or is it the fact that it's me she's fucking that's really pissed you off?"
It wasn't really clear who swung the first punch. It was probably Elliot: Fin's words having pushed him over the edge. But Fin followed closely behind with a swing of his own. The sickening sounds of bones and flesh meeting in the harshest way possible filled the air.
"Stop!" Olivia cried, trying to move between them amidst the punches. "Elliot! Fin!" She grabbed Elliot's shirt, trying to push him away. Their eyes caught for a split second and Elliot pulled his punch. She looked gorgeous to him, even then. Her mascara had spilled down her tear stained cheeks, her face was red and her eyes were furious. In the split second of distraction Fin managed to swing around her and clock Elliot right in the nose. He grunted and staggered back a step.
There was loud crack and time stood still. Blood splattered across Elliot's face. There was another crack and he felt something sharp sting his leg as it flew by. He caught the shocked look on Olivia's face. He heard Fin shouting to get down. His eyes held Olivia's as he tried to breathe. His hands came up to his face, his chest, feeling for the source of the blood. Surely Fin's punch hadn't been that hard. He was still conscious after all.
Everything was moving in slow motion and super speed all at once. Fin was moving behind them, his hands coming to grab Olivia's shoulders. Elliot held her shocked expression as all of a sudden she coughed and blood came out of her mouth. He watched in horror as Fin pulled her to him, swinging them towards the ground. He heard Fin yelling once more to get down. His brain and his body weren't operating.
It was seeing Olivia lying on the pavement in Fin's arms that stirred him to action. Her gaze held his, her eyes already beginning to glaze as his body found its momentum and he fell towards her. Pushing at Fin's body as it covered hers, Elliot tried to find the source of her pain.
"Liv?" He shouted, his hands pushing against her neck, her shoulders, her chest. His mind was racing as he tried to find the entry point. Beside him Fin was frantically searching too. There was so much blood.
"Call a bus!" Fin shouted at a nearby deputy. Elliot barely even heard him.
"Stay with me, Liv." He pleaded. "Don't die Liv." His hands caressed her face, ever so briefly. Her eyes were beginning to drift closed. "No Liv! Stay awake! Stay with me!"
His hands began their frantic search again. They finally fell on her abdomen where blood was pooling freely.
"You're gonna be ok, Liv!" Fin muttered, his own hands moving to help Elliot apply pressure to the wound. "Just stay with us baby girl." His eyes met Elliot's ever so briefly and Elliot saw the fear in them. He knew it matched his own.
The sound of sirens began to draw closer.
"Hang in there Liv. I promise we will make this right." His voice cracked as he tried to keep his partner alive. He would give anything to go back in time just 15 minutes and he would change everything.
"Don't leave me."
Alrighty, lay it on me. I'm the worst person alive, I know! Not only did I make you all wait YEARS for an update but then I go and leave you on a cliff hanger. Aren't I just the worst? Haha! But you all love me anyway and want more! So drop a review and let me know what you liked, didn't like or just want to have chat!