It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.
The pain was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. It reached deeper than any wound I'd sustained, and its ache had cocooned around my entire body inside and out. It was like it had thorns that were stuck inside me, latching on, and cutting me with every move I made and every breath I took. I wanted nothing more than to fade away, so that I wouldn't have to fear taking another breath or continue lying in my own blood and filth. Remembering that, I retched again, not for the first time, but nothing came up. The violent motion brought another onslaught of pain that made me choke on a dry sob.
I was no longer strapped to the bed; I had been moved, sometime after the fact but before I had regained full consciousness. I don't remember dissociating, only that one moment I had been screaming and there had been a horrid pain and even more heinous words. The next, I was waking up in a freezing, grimy cell, unchained and with the dirty gown meekly covering me. My vision was no longer a pitch-black void, but instead painful blurriness, mostly blobs of color and shapes. I still wasn't sure what was causing my eyes to hurt or my vision to suffer, and I was too afraid to know the answer. The pains still throbbed, but I couldn't bring myself to cry, now. I'd dried my tears all up. I could only sit and stare at the ceiling, keeping my head tilted back against the wall to avoid looking down and seeing the blood on my thighs and my hands.
When I'd first seen the blood, I had tried to wipe it off with my hands, frantic to clean away the evidence. If I couldn't see it, it wasn't there, it hadn't happened, right? Right?
The blood only smeared, making a worse mess and now it had dried on my legs and my fingers. Now I sat with my legs clenched tightly together. It was painful, something inside me had been torn, and it felt like it reached all the way to my heart, like I was split straight down the middle. A cruel crack that twined between my body and my soul, it felt like I was watching myself break without being able to stop it. I was like macabre puzzle; all my pieces were now stained with blood, and some had been ruined or lost altogether.
Unfaithful. Unfaithful. Unfaithful.
Shame welled up inside me and began to spill over the edges, bleeding into the pain and merging into one. I felt ready to burst, the seams keeping me together were ripping apart and I was about to come undone. I had betrayed Sasuke, I had allowed another man to touch—to use—me. I would never be able to forget the way Orochimaru had touched me, his handprints had seared into my flesh, as much a scar as any even if I couldn't see them. I could feel them. I clawed at my own flesh and felt them, but I couldn't scratch them away.
Vicious words began to thrum in my ears, bits and pieces from old conversations or shouts hurled at me from the streets. Whore. Harlot. Disgrace. They were right.
My ears were ringing.
I lurched forward suddenly, my stomach wringing itself inside out, but I expelled nothing but a heave. Saliva dripped to the floor, tinted pink. There was poison inside me and my body was trying to rid itself of it, but I couldn't get it out. It was killing me. The darkness was leaving my vision and seeping inside of me. I didn't even want my sight back, I didn't want to see the mess I'd become. There were shards of broken glass littering the floor of my cell—broken vials, I remembered. I remembered thrashing and kicking upon getting dragged into the cell, horrified at the hands on my body. I had knocked something out of my captor's hands. The vials must have contained something to put me to sleep, if they contained anything at all...perhaps they had been intended to hold my blood. The shine reflecting off the glass shapes was all I could see, but I was afraid of my vision growing clearer, the effects of whatever they were forcing on me wearing off. What would I see, what would it be?
My neck began to burn, my distress and wounds pushing my body to ache for the person I had deemed safe, that I'd claimed as mine. The person I had betrayed. The person I loved.
Orochimaru's words were fresh in my head as if he were right there whispering to me.
"He doesn't care about you. He never did, and he never will. How could someone like him ever love someone like you?"
No, Sasuke wasn't a liar. We'd been through too much, we had grown too much.
"What's he going to say when he learns you're nothing but a disloyal whore?"
The ringing in my ears was growing louder, to the point they were starting to hurt. I wanted to cover them, to block the ringing out, but I found myself paralyzed.
"A vampire's whore."
I'm sorry, Sasuke. I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't…
"You belong to me. You'll never see them again."
The ringing in my ears was my own voice screaming.
"Sasuke, slow down! We have no idea what traps or people are lurking around here!" Naruto's worried hiss barely registered past my own buzzing adrenaline. A part of me knew he was right, the same part that had broken in the entrance to the laboratory in the first place and knew that someone had to have been aware of the break-in by now. A bigger part of me was swallowing that logic whole, feeding on my panic and the sharp, heady scent of blood that had led me all this way. It had begun as a faint, watered down trail from outside. Now that I was inside the lab, even with the offensive scents of antiseptic and infection, the familiar scent of Amaya's blood had wrapped around me and filled my head. She was here and she was hurt, bleeding, and it was all my fault.
"We have to hurry," I snarled back, struggling to separate Amaya's trail from that of every other awful smell tangling in my senses. Twisting in this direction and that seemed to heighten my confusion. The world had become a blur of hazy colors and muted sounds as I homed in on the scent of Amaya's blood. It was fresh, too fresh. My fangs extended at the scent and without alerting Naruto to my discoveries, I headed down one of the twisting corridors that made up the maze of this god-awful laboratory. Naruto shouted after me, but I didn't bother pausing. I knew he would follow me, even if he couldn't sense Amaya the same way I could through all the other people inside of this prison, he would trust my senses. I was too far gone to attempt caring about stealth, now. If anyone dared to stand in my way, I would tear out their throat.
I could smell her, but no matter how far I ran into the heart of the building, the scent wasn't getting stronger. I wasn't getting any closer and I could feel myself sinking further, what if I was already too late? That thought was enough to force me to a stop, if I were to have any hope of finding where she was being kept, I had to stop and think. I had to seek answers.
"Sasuke, to your right." Naruto's warning came a second before the ripe smell of fear permeated the air. It was a man, too young to belong in a place like this. The coat he was wearing was pristine and all but swallowed him—like a child playing doctor.
A child, perhaps, but it didn't stop me from wrapping a hand around his throat and pinning him back against the wall behind us. His face went ashen, draining of color as I leaned in close. "Where is she? The girl with the red hair?" My arm trembled with restraint, belying how much I wanted to crush this whimpering idiot's windpipe.
"P–please, I don't know who you're talking about!" he sniveled, his hands pawing weakly at my wrist. I tightened my grip, garnering a wet gasp.
"You know damn well who I mean," I snarled, my fangs bared on display. It was mostly for a show, a "what if" for the young man to consider, but the feeling of his blood pounding through his veins didn't bolster my self-control. "She's the Lupus ibrida, she's been kidnapped by that snake before! You're going to tell me where she is or I'll crush your skull right where you're standing." The boy's eyes grew round with abject terror, it was clear he understood as much as I did that I wasn't threatening him, I was promising.
The boy swallowed as well as he could with my hand constricting his throat, his dark hair plastered to his face with sweat. It seemed he'd thought better about trying to hide what he knew. "She has…has to be in one of the low…lower cells, the underground rooms! She got moved there a couple of hours ago! That's all I know!"
The answer did little to sate my thirst for revenge. Every single person in this complex who wasn't Amaya or Naruto was an enemy to me, spurning my bloodlust. A hand clamped on my shoulder and made me bristle, but I stopped myself before I could hurt Naruto by mistake. "Sasuke, just let him go. He isn't worth it right now," his calm voice anchored against the roiling tides of my rage. It was just enough for me to drop the pathetic wretch to the floor and leave him to run for his own life.
"There's too many branching pathways, it'll take us too long to reach her if she's underground!" We'd gotten what we needed, but I felt no closer to finding Amaya. I had never felt like such a failure—I had let her down. I'd broken the promise I made to keep her safe. How could I ever expect Amaya to forgive me? If she was even alive.
I can't think like that, not when we're so close. She's too strong, she's too spiteful to give up like that.
Naruto glanced down to the floor, his mouth twisting into a smirk. "Straight underground?" he asked, reaching up and cracking his knuckles. The sound was grating against my sharpened hearing. When I nodded, he pushed me back a step. "Back up, I got it covered, 'ttebayo."
I winced at the painful flare of energy, a shroud of bright red enveloped Naruto's fists as he balled up his hand and aimed it for the floor. I started to tell him to wait, as I was sure such a loud commotion would bring everyone within the building flocking towards us. The first syllable had only touched my lips when Naruto swung his fist straight down, collapsing a hole in the floor big enough for a grown man to fit through. Dust billowed around it, and Naruto coughed as he looked up at me with a grin. "See? It's not all bad being a mutt after all, ne?"
"You aren't a mutt, you're a vessel," I corrected out of habit, waving away the cloud of debris to clear the way. The large, crumbling hole in the ground had extended past a couple of floors to reveal the secret tunnels beneath the laboratory. Just like Orochimaru; there was much more than what met the eye, and the surface wasn't even scratching it. "Let's go, everyone within a mile heard that. I want to get us out of here in one piece." I dropped in first with Naruto close behind, the dust sticking to our skin. It was too naïve to hope for a peaceful way out, not with us taking Amaya back. Once Orochimaru decided something was his, his stubborn and possessive nature became a weapon of war.
The blood down here was stronger, less muffled by distance and walls. The metallic, sweet smell jarred me and pulled at a primal string inside of me. She was injured, alone, and she was afraid. I had taken off after the scent before I'd even realized I'd moved, a frenetic rage consuming the human part of me and giving in to the animal. We had to get to her, I had to help her—she needed me. I needed her.
She had to be okay. Losing her was losing a part of myself.
There was a girl in front of me. A blurry, young girl. A child, even, with her owlish, frenzied eyes and trembling mouth, her hair all matted with blood. She shook something fierce, and I wondered if she was blurry because of my eyes or because of her tremulous body. I wanted to reach out to comfort her, to perhaps still her before she shook herself apart. Something held me back, though, cautioned me against holding a hand out.
Perhaps it was that look in her eyes. That wild, penitent look that saw past me, probably past anything I could ever see. Like she was ready to snap at any second at the slightest provocation. It made me fear even taking a breath, as if the slight sound or motion would set that wildness off and I see would myself torn apart by her intense, glistening gaze.
She seemed...very knowing, in a way, despite the way she curled in on herself, struggling to hide in the wall. I felt open and bleeding. Like her hands were reaching inside and sifting through all the memories so fresh in my head—the things that were bleeding. I tried to talk to her to ask her to stop, to please stop making me remember, but every time I opened my mouth, she opened hers too. Her hushed voice echoed from the walls, our words mingling together in conflict until I couldn't tell what she'd said, and I was sure she couldn't tell either.
Our eyes never left the other's. I was too scared that if I looked away, she would move. I don't know what I feared more; her moving closer, or her leaving completely.
Her red hair stuck to her face with sweat and tears.
Blood was drying beneath her pale, bruised thighs, along with a trickle of white that made my stomach wrench in agony. She sneered into the glass.
I think she was talking to herself.
The sound of creaking metal made us both whip our heads to the side to face the encroaching man. The dim light glinted off his glasses, giving him a chilling appearance. "Get up," he ordered, his teeth shining in a giddy sneer.
I blinked, struggling to gain a clearer visage—god my eyes hurt, my entire head was throbbing with a migraine. "You've grown so much," I murmured, awed by how much older Kabuto looked from all those years ago. He had been Orochimaru's right hand man for more than half his life. "But you're still a lapdog, aren't you? A lapsnake?"
I snickered at my own joke, but Kabuto's foot planting in my side told me he might not share the same humor. A wet cough splashed past my lips as I toppled sideways, the throbbing ache having already settled in deep. I pried my eyes open to glower at Kabuto, a man I had all but grown up with during my time here. Only unlike me, unlike most of us, Kabuto was no prisoner. He was a loyal subject, and he was all too eager to do Orochimaru's dirty work for him. For a gripping moment, I wondered if Kabuto had come to kill me and finally finish it all off.
But no, that would be too easy. That would make all this effort worthless, and Orochimaru wasn't someone who did things for nothing. Every step, every word, every breath had a purpose, even if it was only to cause pain. "I guess he isn't gonna kill me off right away, huh?" I wheezed out.
Kabuto scoffed, his eyes rolling in a condescending leer. "All of you are so dramatic," he chastised, setting his leather medical bag on the steel table. The cell reminded me, if vaguely, of a doctor's room. It was one directly out of a filthy horror story dungeon, what with the stained table and dingy cot. I narrowed my eyes, struggling to make out the shapes Kabuto was taking from the bag. It looked like vials, the sloshing liquid inside them thick and black like tar. The silver gleam of a needle was what captured my attention.
"What is that?" I asked, distress rising like hot air in my chest as I watched Kabuto fill the syringe with the syrupy liquid. I tried to sit up (to run, to fight? I would never know) but before I could get to my feet, Kabuto was planting his foot in my back to keep me on the ground. I screamed out in rage, his weight making me cringe as he knelt.
"It's only a little something to help calm you," he muttered. The needle was cold and stung going into my temple, but it was nothing compared to when he pressed the plunger. I shrieked at the awful sensation, like fire was spreading through my veins. "After all, you can't fight if you never see it coming."
Water filled my eyes, blurring my vision first. Soon, darkness bled in from the edges, the same blobby and liquid look as tears. It was like he'd poured ink into my eyes. A despaired sound wrenched from somewhere deep inside me, the driest corners of my lungs shriveling with the force behind it. It had been poison that was blinding me. I couldn't go blind, how would I defend myself? How could I take care of the people I loved, how I could I ever do anything that I loved? "What have you done?!" I screeched, clawing at the floor and at Kabuto's leg. He hissed, stumbling back and off my body. I dragged myself up, blindly pushing myself into the corner of my cell and hitting my head against the wall. I couldn't see even the shapes around me, I was lost. I was lost in my own head. Servants were shot if they couldn't work; how I could learn to work like this when I didn't even want to consider living this way?
"It's a shame you won't get to look your lover in the eyes anymore, but I'm sure you can imagine well enough," Kabuto snickered. I spat out a vicious snarl in the direction I hoped he was standing.
"I'm sorry I took your fucking place," I spitefully sneered. The back of Kabuto's hand cracked across my face, the suddenness and force behind the impact knocked me back against the wall for the second time. God damn, that wall was hard.
"You won't be so mouthy for long," Kabuto's voice had dropped to subzero, lacking the smug humor it had earlier. "Everyone breaks."
I listened to him leave, the barred door slipping back into place and locking me inside. A part of me found it funny, even when I thought I'd lost all mirth. It was redundant, wasn't it? I couldn't see to make it very far, even if the door was locked or not. I bowed my head into my hands and tucked my knees to my chest, even closing my eyes to pretend as much as I could that the darkness was my own doing. If I opened my eyes, I would be able to see, still. I relied heavily on my eyes, I couldn't imagine a world where I would never be able to see again.
Orochimaru was right, no one was coming for me, but now I thought it lucky they wouldn't. What use was I going to be, now? What worth did I have? I was damaged goods, tarnished. The only person who would ever be capable of hating me more than I hated myself would be Sasuke, and he would have every right. We were bonded, and I'd taken that and desecrated everything it meant.
I was the monster.
My cheeks grew wet with tears, and my eyes began to burn from how much I was struggling to hold them in, but I stubbornly refused to open my eyes. I don't know how long I spent curled up in the corner that way, bleeding out every tear I had in me until I felt dry and cracked. The only other sound aside from my ragged breathing had come in the form of a booming, rumbling crack that shook the walls of my cell. I flinched at the commotion, fearing an explosion. Ironically, an explosion would have been a blessing. The familiar scent reached my nose, warm and sharp and comforting in spite of where I sat. I looked up, my eyes and mouth both opening in a sour mix of disbelief and horror.
He's here.
"Amaya!" That voice, the one that so often filled me with warmth now only brought a frigid dread. No, please no, how had he found this place? Orochimaru could kill him!
I sat up when I heard pounding footsteps approaching me, Sasuke wasn't by himself. Guilt writhed inside me in the form of nausea. They were putting themselves in danger for someone like me, and Sasuke was only going to regret it once he'd found out what had happened.
A shrill grinding sound pierced the air and my eardrums, prompting me to slap my hands over my ears in a bid to save at least one of my senses, today. The metal bars clattered to the ground where they had been torn apart, yanked off the door to make way for Sasuke to squeeze through. I could only listen as he approached. When my eyes burned this time, I wasn't sure if it was because I was heartbroken I couldn't see his face, or relieved that I wouldn't have to look him in the eyes.
I heard the crunch of the broken glass when Sasuke stepped into the cell, only for everything to fall silent right after. He had stopped—he was probably staring at me, noticing the bruises, the evidence of what had happened. My throat closed on me when I tried to swallow, and I suddenly found myself struggling to breathe. This was it, it was over, he was going to leave me here and forget about me. I would never see my brother again or get to tell Sasuke how very, very sorry I was.
The glass crackled again as Sasuke moved, and I flinched when I felt him drop down in front of me, his cool hands cupping my face and pulling me forward. I shut my stinging eyes tight as he leaned his forehead against mine, his frantic breath ghosting over my skin. "You're alive," he whispered, his voice shaking. I couldn't say anything in response. I could do nothing but focus on the moment and how it felt to be close to the man I loved when, just hours before, I'd been certain I would never see him again.
"I'm so sorry, Sasuke," I murmured after a few moments. God, how useless those words were. It was startling how meek my voice sounded, how unlike me it sounded.
Sasuke stiffened, his hands shaking where they held my face. "Amaya…" My name left his lips in an appalled exhale. I flinched, the sound of his voice rich and comforting as much as it was painful. It wrapped around me as much as his scent and the cool touch of his hands, grounding me down to a reality I wasn't ready to face.
An agitated sound rumbled in Sasuke's chest, causing my heart to leap into my throat. I began to withdraw from Sasuke, escaping the oncoming storm. He knew, he had seen, he was going to—
A steady hand brushed across my cheek, catching fresh tears and wiping them away. "Amaya, you have to listen to me," Sasuke's tight voice sounded too loud to my hypersensitive senses. Everything felt too strong and too haywire to handle, I might as well have been trapped in a minefield. "None of this was your fault, it was mine. I should have stayed—"
A violent convulsion shook through my body. I couldn't help it, I had to reject what Sasuke had said. How he could ever believe any of this was his fault was beyond me. It was my weakness, my fault. I fucking knew I'd bring Sasuke nothing but hardships.
"I couldn't stop him," I gasped, feeling close to suffocating on my own voice. Why was it so hard to breathe, why did it have to hurt so much? "I wasn't strong enough. I betrayed you, Sasuke!" Another sob worked its way up my throat, this time I didn't bother restricting it. I had been too weak to fight them off, too weak to do anything to keep my brother safe aside from telling him to run away, and too weak to stop a man from taking what he wanted from me. The weak didn't survive in this world—and when they did, they often wished they hadn't. I looked up then, despite lacking any sight, desperate to get my point across. "I'm so sorry…" If only Sasuke would believe me, that he would understand I never wanted to hurt him. I still wanted him, even after everything, and that want hurt worse than anything physical.
Soft cloth dropped around my trembling shoulders, the warmth seeping into my aching skin. A jacket, perhaps, something that shielded me far better than the flimsy and ripped medical gown. I hissed in pain as Sasuke wrapped his arms around me and pulled me off the ground, holding me close to his chest. I buried my face against his neck, hiding, and inhaled slowly. I was starting to feel lightheaded, a numb chill settling into my muscles.
Sasuke swore, his arms tightening around me. "We have to hurry, she's passing out." Sasuke began to move and, though it wasn't something I'd ever wanted to know, I learned that motion when you couldn't see was quite nauseating.
"Stay behind me," Naruto's voice startled me, having forgotten Sasuke hadn't come on his own, Naruto had stayed silent up until then. I squeezed my eyes shut when Sasuke began to run. Leaning my head against his chest and focusing on the rapid sound of his heartbeat was all I could do not to fade out completely. Every time I got too close, I latched onto the reassuring sound and clung on to consciousness. I was afraid if I didn't, I would never hear it again.
"I've got you, you're going to be all right," Sasuke murmured above me, his voice soft. I liked it. Sasuke's promise felt empty, but he sounded like he believed it with all his heart, so maybe I had to, too.
Without any sort of guidance, I couldn't guess where we were, or even if either man knew how to escape the plethora of tunnels inside the lab. A saccharine scent had begun to permeate the air in the direction we were heading; a sickening mix of things I couldn't fathom, like the smell was trying to cover others. It wasn't until I heard Naruto emit a feral, absolutely chilling snarl, and felt Sasuke stop, that I understood the reason for my sudden unease. Sasuke skidded to a halt and turned his body, as if turning me away from sight.
"I don't recall giving you permission to take my pet, Sasuke. You know how I hate thievery." Orochimaru's voice filled my ears, much like dunking my head beneath ice water.
"She isn't your anything," Sasuke snapped, "she never belonged to you." I winced at his defense of me, protests roiling in my chest, but they never bubbled up. Orochimaru's cold chuckle came nearer, and Sasuke stiffened, his muscles coiling tight. "Stay away from us or I'll rip out your throat."
"Now, can't we be civilized?" the snake tutted, but I couldn't hear him approaching anymore. "I only want what's mine back. She was my experiment long before she was your slave, after all." I didn't need to see Orochimaru's face to know the grin stretching obscenely across his mouth. I tightened my hand in Sasuke's shirt, humiliation drawing my knuckles tense. "She is mine, Uchiha," Orochimaru paused, allowing dread to pool in my gut, "I've already made her so."
A pained sound dredged up from inside me. I wanted to lash out, to claw at my own skin, at Orochimaru's. Hearing it made it real, hearing it reminded me, Sasuke hearing it…
"You two need to go." My stomach sank upon hearing Naruto's voice. It sounded nothing like him, it had become far more reminiscent of a beast than the boy I knew. I felt Sasuke suck in a sharp breath.
"Naruto, you—"
A carnal growl cut off Sasuke's voice and I felt him take a step away. The room had grown colder, tenser, as if the air itself were suddenly afraid. Naruto spoke up again, his voice losing even more of its familiar clarity as a malicious energy rolled off him in waves. "Take her and get out of here, I'll take care of things! Go!"
I could feel Sasuke's reluctance, perhaps partly because I felt the same. The last thing I wanted was to abandon anyone in this place, especially a friend—but our hesitation would only get us all hurt. I had no idea what Naruto was or what he was going to do, nor was I sure I wanted to. Sasuke gave in to Naruto's wishes and fled, the vicious sounds of Naruto's roar echoing behind us. I clenched my jaw against the bout of emotion, quietly but fervently praying for Naruto's safety.
The jostling movement and air whipping past my face made it hard to fall completely out of it, but I faded in and out, lost to time and my surroundings. Sasuke's voice would drift in every so often, but I was too delusional to make any sense of it. My body hardly felt mine, I felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar in my own skin, as if I were trying to separate from it. Leaving it behind sounded wonderful, if it meant I could escape the aches and pain deep inside. My eyes soon grew too heavy to even open, no matter how much I willed them.
I could hear Sasuke shouting, now, but it sounded distant and muted. The rocking motion had stilled, I realized, he must have finally stopped running. Other voices began filtering in to mix with Sasuke's until I could hardly tell them apart. A buzzing cacophony that echoed and drilled into my head only left me more confused and lost.
Hands that were soft and gentle slid under Sasuke's to take me from him, and something terrified lunged up inside me. I cried out and dug my nails into his shirt, it was the last bit of fight that I had, but I was willing to waste it. The stranger whose hands were on me flinched, but they didn't back away.
"Amaya, let go—you're safe here, nothing else is going to happen. We've got you." Sasuke's low reassurances gradually convinced me to uncurl my fingers from his shirt and allow the unfamiliar hands to take me, carrying me away from Sasuke and everything that made me feel safe. Faintly, I could hear someone breaking down in sobs. It was a heart wrenching sound that tugged at a memory inside me and made me long to seek them out.
I whimpered when my skin made contact with something freezing cold as I was sat down. The meager clothes I had were pulled off, baring me. I winced, shutting my eyes and trying to cover myself. I struggled to envision Sasuke's face, Alex's, but it was useless, it was like I'd never seen anything in my life. The sound of water beginning to run made my ears prick up before the warm stream touched my legs, drawing a gasp from me.
"You're safe, child. I'm going to clean you up, all right?" A feminine voice whispered, the sound of her rustling through the drawers at the counter almost drowning her out. "We're going to help you."
Help. I never thought I would need someone else's help, not like this. I allowed myself to lean back against the wall of the shower, the warm water rinsing over my bruised skin. I bit back my voice as a soft cloth dragged across my skin, cleansing away the filth that still clung to me. I was grateful for a moment that I couldn't see, the pink and white mixing in the water would have made me sick. I could hear Mikoto murmuring in horror as she, too, came to understand what had happened. It made me want to curl up in the water and drown.
Instead I was forced to sit still as she cleaned and tended to my wounds, rubbing healing salve and bandaging the worst of the wounds. When her fingertips grazed between my thighs, her voice murmuring about "some tearing, should heal on its own soon" meant nothing to me. Not with the ugly flashbacks filling my head. The memories of sharp nails clawing into my legs, a wicked laugh as he forced his body onto mine, my own voice screaming pleas and shrieks of pain.
I wished I could open my eyes and make the visions stop, but they were still there when I did.
I didn't realize I had collapsed into sobs until Mikoto's arms wrapped around me and pulled me forward, letting me cry against her shoulder. I couldn't bring myself to feel embarrassed as I heaved out all the pain, shame, and anger bottled up inside of me. All the while, Mikoto stroked my washed hair and murmured soothingly, giving me time to cry it out until I felt drained dry and could only gasp for air. With reluctance, I let Mikoto separate from me so that she could help me stand in the shower. A soft, warm towel enveloped around me, all but swallowing me whole in a silky embrace. I dug my nails into my new fuzzy shield, relieved to finally hide myself. I stood still for a few beats of silence after, shaking, too wary to move for fear I would fall.
"Amaya?" Mikoto asked, and I raised my head to acknowledge her, but I wasn't sure which direction she was. "Oh," Mikoto's appalled gasp cut off and I felt a swish of wind close to my face. "Oh no."
I didn't protest when Mikoto took my hands in hers and guided me forward, coaxing me to follow her as she led me out of the bathroom. When she pushed me to sit down, a plush mattress sank beneath me and I almost wept with relief, my exhaustion crumbling atop me like a downed building. I was mere seconds away from slipping into a willing coma when Mikoto calling out startled me out of it.
"Itachi! Hurry, please!" Mikoto's worried voice surprised me, as I'd never heard her raise her voice. I shrank away when the sound of hurrying footsteps headed towards us, growing louder when both Uchiha brothers came into the room. When a pair of unfamiliar hands tilted my face, I'm ashamed to say I growled in warning. I knew it was Itachi right after I had snarled at him, but that didn't stop my frayed instincts from reacting as if he were out to hurt me. He slowed and whispered an apology for jarring me, but he didn't remove his hands as he tilted my head up to the ceiling. A few seconds of tense silence ensued, until Sasuke's impatient inquiry interrupted.
"What is it, is she blind? Is it permanent?" he asked. All questions that I wanted to know but lacked the courage to ask. Involuntary tears welled in my eyes again at the thought I may never again be able to see. I couldn't know what Kabuto had injected me with, nor if the two doses (if he hadn't given me more than I thought while I was out) were enough to ruin my eyes forever.
"I'm not sure," Itachi answered warily. "Her eyes look clouded and her pupils aren't dilating as they should. Amaya, can you see anything at all, perhaps light?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "No, everything's dark and it's been that way for hours."
Itachi let me go with a murmured expletive and I listened as he backed away. "I'll call for Sasori, he's the only one capable of helping her at this point. He should be here soon."
The idea of another stranger getting so close to me wasn't a comforting one, but Itachi was already gone. Mikoto rested a gentle hand rested atop my head as I slumped a little. Sasuke didn't touch me, and as much as I wanted him to, I was afraid. I didn't want him to see me like this, at my weakest and lowest. You only ever wanted the ones you loved to see your strength, not the cracks inside.
Zoning in and out of being alert led to me nearly jumping out of my skin when a knock sounded at the door, a sharp and quick three raps. Mikoto rushed to get the door to allow the newcomer, whose unfamiliar scent reminded me of wood shavings and oil; it was that of someone who worked hard. I recoiled in nervousness.
"Sasori, thank you for coming so fast," Mikoto said. "She says she can't see even light, we were hoping you might be able to help."
An unfamiliar voice hummed in response before the man—Sasori—approached, touching my chin with his cool fingers to tilt my head up. "What's your name, girl?" he asked, his voice close and quiet.
"A—Amaya," I stammered, struggling not to move as he turned my head this way and that. He massaged the area around my eyes with careful, purposeful fingertips.
"It's a poison causing clotting and restricting the blood flow to her eyes. It must be one of his newer types." Sasori sighed as he released my face. "I'm not sure if it's reversible, yet. Amaya, can you tell me when the last dosage was, or how many you've had?"
I racked my brain for the answers, panicked by being put on the spot and upon hearing the impatient sigh from Sasori. "It's only been a couple of hours since he last injected me," I replied, certain of at least that much. "I don't know about the dosage. I was given at least one while I was unconscious, and then the second one."
Sasori made a considering noise, the sound of clinking glass and rustling accompanying his voice. I flinched when a sharp jab pricked my arm, barely restraining myself from yanking away from the unexpected pain. "I'm taking a sample of your blood. I'll need at least an hour to prepare an antidote, I believe I know a way to counteract the effects, but it's touch and go until we try it."
"That's all we ask, is that you try. Come, I'll take you to a place you can work in peace," Mikoto offered. Her footsteps led Sasori's out of the room, but someone stayed behind, someone I wished hadn't. I think I would panic if he left, but I was panicking with him around, too, so neither option would have mattered. I couldn't bring myself to raise my head to Sasuke, I sat hunched down in hopes I could shrink into the bed wholly.
"Amaya," Sasuke whispered, I could hear him inching closer. My ears swiveled at the sound of his voice, but that was the only acknowledgment I could give. "Amaya, I'm so sorry…I swear we'll get through this, I won't leave your side." His voice sounded tight, forced, like he was battling it past a wall of emotion that he, too, wasn't yet willing to expend.
Trembling with the effort not to cry myself, I scoffed out a sound of disbelief. "Why do you keep apologizing?" I asked, "you didn't do anything, you couldn't have known. I was the one who told you to go, I was the one who couldn't fight him off. I was the weak one." I couldn't take hearing Sasuke blame himself or promise to stick around someone so broken. I had warned him I would keep him back, and if he were to stick behind when I felt too stuck to take even an inch forward right now... I would only continue holding him back. Sasuke had responsibilities, a duty to the city and his family. He did not need anything else to take care of, let alone me. I had tried to outrun my past, but I was nothing but a child standing still in the path of a speeding train, and I'd gotten struck full force.
I flinched when the bed dipped beside me, but the touch I anticipated never came. Instead, Sasuke paused for a moment before he spoke. "Can I touch you?" he asked, cautious, like he was uncertain if he was welcome.
Stunned by the wish for permission, I turned to face him. Perhaps I couldn't see him, but I knew he could see the shock written on my face. Never would he need permission to touch me—or so I thought, but when I replayed the question in my head, I realized how much his asking meant to me. He wanted to make me comfortable. He had seen I was skittish, I knew he had. Sasuke saw everything about me. With trembling lips, I reached a hand out. "Please."
Comforting arms circled around me and pulled me close, where I buried my face against Sasuke's neck. In turn, he rested his forehead atop my hair. I could feel the minute shaking in his own limbs, something that broke my heart and brought me to slip my arms around his waist. We tangled together in a mess of raw emotion and the fervent effort to comfort one another, for we were the only ones who could. "It wasn't your fault. You have to know that," Sasuke whispered against my hair. A choked sob escaped me and muffled against his shoulder, but he continued, his arms tightening around me. There was no way I could ever feel unsafe like this. "You were hurt. We left you alone and you got attacked, that will never be your fault. No one saw this coming, Amaya, least of all you and your brother. We should have protected you both better, and from now on we will." Sasuke pressed a kiss against my forehead. "We'll get through this together."
I wanted to believe Sasuke. Truly, I did, as I'm sure Itachi was promising the same to my brother and Alex was having the same struggle. After today, Orochimaru felt too powerful, almost omniscient. He had found us, his men had found and overpowered me. What would stop the same from happening again, another time with other people? Sasuke couldn't be around all the time, not forever. He deserved so much better. I didn't voice those concerns, though, I didn't want Sasuke to feel any guilt or worry, no more than was already on his shoulders. Instead, an outpour of other fears launched from my mouth, like a faucet that I'd broken by mistake. I was never any good with fixing things, either. "How can you say that? Aren't you ashamed?" I rasped, trying to ignore the burn in my throat and eyes.
I felt shaking fingers press into my waist. Carefully, Sasuke pulled back and shifted us so that we were facing each other, his forehead resting against mine. "Ashamed of what, of you?" he asked, exhaling a small, breathless laugh, as if I'd said something he couldn't believe. "How can I be ashamed of the person I love? You haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Orochimaru is the monster. Not you."
I thought I was going to be able to hold it together until Sasuke said that. The walls that were holding everything inside had been crumbling, held together by sheer stubborn spite, but suddenly they were crashing down around me and everything was flooding me. The only thing saving me from drowning was Sasuke, who held me as I dissolved into shambles, sobs ripping through me hard enough to ache. I was going to shake myself apart, I was sure of it. Sasuke pressed my face against his shoulder as he hugged me, absorbing some of the shock as I trembled in his arms. He brushed his fingers through my hair slowly, detangling the damp mess and helping me to calm down. For all that I'd done to hold on, once it all began to die down, it was beyond cathartic. It was like expelling a poison from my body, until I felt nothing but numb exhaustion. It was better than feeling pain. I no longer had any arguing or protest in me for Sasuke's sweet-nothings and reassuring promises, every word he spoke took root deep inside me.
I love you. You're safe here, I've got you. No one is ever going to touch you again. This wasn't your fault. You're strong for making it out.
You're strong.
Each word battled against the crooning lies Orochimaru had spoon-fed me. I think Sasuke's words were winning. I hoped they were, anyway.
No one intruded on us in the few hours we had alone, all of which Sasuke refused to let go. Both of us were drained, emotionally and physically alike. By the time Sasori and Mikoto returned to the room, I was almost too out of it to notice. Part of it might be because I was too afraid to hear what Sasori had to say.
"This is our best chance for now. If it doesn't work, I'll keep trying, but the longer the effects, the harder it will be," Sasori said, his voice grave. Stiff and wary, I made to separate myself from Sasuke and sit up straight. Sasori held my face with one hand, keeping me still. "Try not to move, and try to relax, it will better the antidote's chances of working."
That was about a good a warning as any, I supposed. A cold needle pressed into my temple mere seconds after Sasori had given me the instructions. A sharp, frigid pain bloomed at the injection site and began to spread on the left side of my face, making it a tad bit difficult to not, you know, jerk away screaming. After a pause, Sasori pulled the needle out carefully and wiped my temple with a cool cloth. "Give it a few minutes," Sasori told us. I realized I'd never learned who he was or why he was so familiar with poisons, and by that point, I wasn't brave enough to question him. The minutes passed in stressed silence until Sasori told me to open my eyes. Reluctantly, I pried them open.
It felt like having my eyeballs seared right out of my head. I swore and tried to block the light with my hands. "Shit, it's too—bright! It's bright!" I yanked my hands away and looked at the room, drinking in everything around me like a parched man at an oasis. It was all fuzzy and unclear, but the most beautiful sight I'd ever had. Mikoto stood near the door, her hands covering her mouth and her eyes shimmering. Ahead of me, a man with red hair was holding the empty syringe, a self-satisfied smirk tilting his lips. "Perfect," he murmured, "he's a talented medic, but he's no match for me." He tossed the syringe into the nearby trash and began peeling off the latex gloves he'd donned. "I'll let Itachi know to give me a call if you start noticing anything else wrong. I suggest getting some sleep, let your eyes rest for a while."
I managed to choke out a "thank you" to Sasori as he left, and he waved a hand over his shoulder while Mikoto followed him out and shut the door behind them. My vision may not be sharp, but when I turned to face Sasuke and saw the soft smile on his face, a rare, beautiful sight, I decided it was absolutely perfect. Feeling shy despite how long I had spent all but glued to him, I cautiously leaned forward to press a kiss to Sasuke's mouth.
Sasuke relaxed into the kiss, the tension in his own body melting. "I can't take it all away," he whispered, and I opened my eyes to watch him. "But I promise to stay and fight beside you until the day I take my last breath."
I sighed wearily, my hand reaching out across the mattress in search of Sasuke's to link our fingers. "I know," I said, a wan smile on my face. "I may not understand why yet, but I know. I'll always stand beside you."
Through half-lidded eyes, I watched Sasuke lean close, his lips pressing first to my mouth and then to my forehead. I allowed him to coax me beneath the blankets, where he pulled me close against his chest so that I could rest my head. The steady sound of his strong heart lured me to close my eyes. I was on the verge of sleep when Sasuke's voice, almost too quiet for me to catch, interrupted. "Because I love you, because you're my mate." I sucked in a shaky breath, revealing to him that I was indeed listening, and he continued. "If I have to keep proving that to you until you believe it again, I'm going to. You're mine, you were never anyone else's, and you never will be."
My hands shook as I clung to Sasuke, fresh tears trickling from my closed eyes. Despite crying, I was smiling. It would be a long road, but we weren't alone, and the road may be dark, but it's never as frightening when you have someone beside you.
I was going to cut out the subplot of Amaya being temporarily blinded, but in the end, it stayed. I wrote over half the chapter, considered deleting it because I didn't like how arbitrary and rushed the whole event felt, but was too stubborn erase it all and start over. That's also why this chapter is such a monstrosity in length lmao, sorry!