Here is the new chapter. I had this idea for a while.
I do not own anything, as you may have guessed from the title of this website and its meaning. Everyone reading this fan fiction should know of the original work, right?
"AH, look. The author is back again. Let's begin the new chapter, shall we?" Asked Ragnarok, trying to kill his boredom from the years he did nothing in literally a million fic that got abandoned.
Ragnarok pulled a file from the pile on his billboard-size desk because one single 15 old kid had more wives than than the number of women in the wizarding world.
"Now that we covered your money and properties, let's cover the most important thing that a teenager reading this fic probably cares about shall we?" asked Marie Ares, wife of Count Celler, Position: Supreme Mighty Morphing Marraiger, department of Harry Potter marriage contracts, London branch, Gringotts.
"I am sorry, but who are you again?" Harry asked.
"As mentioned above, I am the Mighty Morphing Marraiger, because you need to be mentally mighty to handle that many marriages. Full name: Marie Ares count celler. So many marriage contracts, in so many fanfics, we now have an entire department for it." Mighty Morphing Marraiger introduced herself.
"It turns out you will be living the dream of every teenager. You are, by law, required to marry, have a mistress or a slave to each of your magical inheritances to continue the line." Mighty Morphing Marraiger continued.
"What?" asked Harry, as he heard this "unexpected" news, wondering whether it was good or bad? He never had much luck with the ladies, despite being The Boy who lived through Deus ex machina and being hero-worshipped by the entire wizarding community. For some obscure, probably sympathy-related plot reasons.
"Yes. You see, you must continue a line that was believed to have been extinct for thousands of years, but for some reason, the useless law remained, in the constitution itself no less, as it is on the statute of secrecy. It is also embedded in our tradition, culture, moral values, etc. so you need to do it, even if it means having slaves and violating human rights." Marie Ares count celler replied.
"Wait what?" Harry demanded. "How plausible is that? Lines extinct before the existence of the government, for thousands of years, have laws to continue them?"
Ragnarok ignored Harry's outrage, but Harry continued.
"That is not possible. How can I have a thousand wives? That many mistresses or slaves are impossible too. Who wants to share their husbands? Also, there are only, what, five girls of my age in canon in Gryffindor? I only saw about five. Not to mention, there is no slavery in the Wizarding world." Harry protested, briefly turning into smart Harry.
"You see, that is the official reason. The real reason is that the authors of fan fictions need a justified cause to get you with many girls. To ensure that actually happens, they made this law." Mighty Morphing Marraiger revealed.
Harry spluttered something unintelligible as Ragnarok continued.
"That also has the added advantages of not making you seem like a player. You are noble. You are just a victim of the circumstances and law that way." Ragnarok elaborated.
"And don't worry about slaves." A random goblin bringing in water assured him because they have been talking for so long their mouths dried up, unlike in canon.
"There is a book in one of the Libraries you will inherit shortly on slave magic, which you will use in the coming chapters to enslave Ginny and Hermione for betraying you. And Tonks too, she is a fan favorite in this genre."
"To justify it, it is legal to use them on those who broke your trust by law, and only works on bad people for the first few chapters. Then people will get used to it, and you can use it anytime." Marie Ares count celler supplied helpfully.
"A million girls who must be with you, and you are a victim of the law. Why aren't more laws like that? Then no one would complain about laws victimizing them", Griphook, who never had a girlfriend. Because no female goblin was ever mentioned in canon or seems to be present in most of the fan fiction, raged the high school rage quietly by himself throughout all this.
"Getting back on topic", Mighty Morphing Marraiger continued, without giving Harry a chance to continue, "Failure to get a dozen girls outside your contracts while being your scrawny, spineless self is punishable by sending you to Azkaban. You will have all your human rights and magic stripped completely and irrevocably. It also serves as a good way to write the ever popular Azkaban Spin-off."
"I thought inheritance magic is far superior to any other? Can't I just nullify them?" Asked Harry, trying not to think about a fate no writer of this genre ever allowed.
"Even though your inheritance magic is far superior to any, this is where it fails to justify the plot." Ragranok grinned.
"I thought that the "Harry goes to Azkaban" was another type? I don't need to worry about it in Powerful harry fic. And I just remembered another thing. I will inherit Merlin's library. Isn't there a potion that transforms me from my scrawny self to a 6'7 model in this kind of fanfic?" Asked Harry
"Yes, About that. That is, not until several chapters later. The author needs to have that plot line where Ginny only wants you for your money. Until then, you are your own stingy self." Griphook explained.
"Moving on", said Mighty Morphing Marraiger, smiling his horrible, menacing goblin smile, began
"You need to hook up with a girl in every chapter. No Exceptions. Dumbledore made this law, by the way, to marry you to Ginny and take your assets."
"Just moments ago, you said these laws have been in existence for thousands of years." Harry pointed out.
"Yes I did. But Dumbledore must be responsible for every tragedy in your life, from losing your toothbrush to getting sirius killed, so now he made the law."
"I am not surprised." yelled Harry,
"I just realized out of nowhere that she is not the one for me. Luna has been the one I loved all along, even before we met in canon I dreamed of her. Now excuse me for a moment while I mourn Ginny, because I am that nice of a guy."
Completely ignoring him, Griphook continued as Harry mourned his love of 5 chapters.
"On the muggle side of things, we have all other Hollywood celebrities madly in love with you, even before the time they became celebrities."
"I have never even met them!" Exclaimed a dumbfounded harry.
"Ah, but you have, my genre blind client. You knew each other before they became celebrities, but Dumbledore erased your memories. They have been searching for their one true love ever since."
Mighty Morphing Marraiger, the heartless, materialistic goblin dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief as she revealed the sad story, because A-list celebrities madly in love with you is such a tragic incident.
"Then why have they been dating other guys while denying it to the public and press, even when they are photographed in the act?" Harry demanded.
"Oh, that just protected you from Dumbledore's wrath like your mother's sacrifice. All the men were just friends. It was love magic. Love triumphs all. Ah, the sacrifices they have made…." Griphook made the profound proclamation.
"Yeah, because dating is such a big sacrifice." Marie Ares count celler remarked sarcastically.
"And it is not at all creepy and illegal how you are underage, and they are so much older." Interjected Griphook.
"That reminds me. To ensure no legal actions on any author writing this kind of fic, let's age you up, shall we? All eligible females are now somehow 19, even if they are in the fifth year. You, too, are 19 now." Ragnarok declared.
"How does that work, exactly?" Harry demanded, briefly distracted from his "misfortune".
"Let's say they failed and are stuck repeating grades. Considering the state of the education system in Hogwarts, with all the persistent "adventures" every year, it is not only possible but extremely probable."
"Why do I need to be 19? The age of consent is 18." Harry wondered.
"Since muggles are reading this fic, 17 being the age in Wizarding world doesn't matter, even though wizards don't follow any muggle law." Marie Ares count celler explained, just as Harry fainted from the information overload, ending the chapter.
To be continued…..
Authors Note: The usual, reviews are appreciated and all that. The next chapter of this one will have all of Harry's potential suitors arriving to fulfill their purpose in every fanfic. Also, please tell me someone got the wordplay.
Author's Note 2: The Various characters that appear in the different chapters are NOT the same characters. They are alternate timeline counterparts. They may share the same experiences from the other chapters in some cases, but are ultimately unique.
This is to ensure I am not limited by continuity constraints and can write a chapter as the idea hits me without having to work it into an existing plot line. And to ensure crossovers between various characters from different chapters can take place.