What You Wish For
Chapter 12
Well, it's my birthday, so I thought I would give you all the gift of the next chapter! Lots of people have been saying they want to know what happened to Fin. Why would he just walk away? Wouldn't he be angry and upset? Well, he certainly was. Has the stoic, calm guy we know and love been dealt one blow too many?
Hope you enjoy – it's a bit angsty. A great birthday present to me would be a review… hint hint haha! Thanks so much for reading and I own nothing!
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
The words echoed on repeat in his mind.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
His fist connected with the wall outside the hospital as his eyes clouded with tears.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
Clenching his jaw at the intense pain that shot up his wrist and arm, he forged on ahead.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
He didn't know how he had gotten home. In retrospect it was obvious that he would have driven but he had no memory of the action. His mind was in a daze, the only thing he could focus on were the doctor's words.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
His front door slammed closed with a sense of heavy finality. His eyes landed on his sofa. The memory of making love to Olivia on that sofa hit him with the force of a freight train and he felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. Turning quickly, trying to block out the memories, his eyes landed on a sweater she had left and he had been meaning to return to her. Again, his chest tightened and his fists clenched. Unable to contain the anger that was raging inside of him his lashed out at the nearest object, sending a lamp flying. The shade snapped away from the base and bounced into the kitchen leaving the bulb to shatter on the floor.
His anger not yet abated, he flung the sweater across the room before knocking over a kitchen stool. Tears burned fiercely at his eyes and he tried desperately to hold them in. His hands sought something else to destroy and they landed on a plate that had been sitting on the bench. It, too, joined the growing debris on the floor as he continued his rampage through the apartment towards his bedroom.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
His eyes landed on the bed and as the memories assaulted him he could take it no longer. With a roar of anguish, he tore the sheets from the bed and threw them in the corner. He couldn't stand to remember. He didn't want to remember. He stood in the doorway of the bathroom and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. The man that stared back at him was a stranger. His face was screwed up in anger and pain. He was shaking with barely controlled rage and something that went so deep he didn't want to think about it.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
The reflection in the mirror blinked back at him and that was when he realised that he was still covered in Olivia's blood. With a shuddering breath he ran shaking hands across his face. He needed to do something, anything, not to have to feel this way any longer. Those words were on repeat; a mantra in his brain. He needed to take action.
Viciously ripping the clothes from his body he turned the shower to scalding. He needed to rid himself of evidence of the day. He didn't want Liv's blood to be coating his skin. He wanted her there with him, laughing, smiling, running her fingers across his shoulder in that way that drove him wild. He wanted her curled on his couch, watching TV, eating take out, dozing with her feet in his lap. He wanted her in his bed making love to him with wild abandon. He didn't want her lying in a hospital bed possibly dying while he couldn't do anything about it. He didn't want her lying there on the brink of death while their child was already dead.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
His fist struck out at the shower wall, cracking the tiles. Again the pain shot through his arm. Again, his knuckles split and the white tiles were stained with his blood. It mingled with Liv's as it rinsed from his body and circled the drain.
What hurt the most was that he hadn't been able to be there for her in the ambulance. He hadn't even been able to stay at the hospital. He wasn't finished with Stabler. They had some things to sort out and he was determined that as soon as he knew Liv was ok, he was going to have it out with the other man. The bastard had played the situation, had played Fin, and gotten away with it. If anything, Stabler was the reason they had been out in the street fighting. If he hadn't been harassing Liv she would have been inside the precinct and would never have been shot.
Another punch. More blood down the drain. More pain. But the pain in his hand was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
The baby. The fucking baby! The one thing Liv had wanted most in the world; the one thing he'd wanted to give her more than anything in the world – a baby. And it had been ripped from her. His heart ached. His entire body was in physical pain despite him not having any wounds. The pain in his heart was too great to be contained to just that one place and instead it consumed him.
A baby. They were going to have a baby. She'd been running away from Stabler. Had she known that she was pregnant? Had she just told Stabler? Was that why they had been fighting?
A feral growl and another crack of the knuckles. His mind was moving too fast. He wasn't able to lock onto a single idea or thought. He didn't want to be standing there thinking about the state of his relationship. He should be thinking about Liv and whether she was ok. But that was too hard a thought for him to think about. It was easier to be mad at Stabler.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
Finally, the water began to run cold and with a deep breath he turned off the taps. Standing naked in the chill air he allowed the reality of the situation to wash over him.
Liv was in the hospital. She may be dead. He'd been in the shower for a while. Cragen might have called. She could be dead like their baby.
Their baby.
They had created a life. Together. They had achieved what they had set out to do. And it was all gone in a split second. If she was alive, Liv was hurt and hurting. She would need him to be strong for her. She would need him to maintain that calm façade she relied on him for. He could do that. For her.
He wrapped a towel around himself and moved back through the ruin of his apartment. He entered the living area and his eyes fell on the sweater he had thrown in anger. Feeling the hot prick of tears once more he bent and retrieved it from the mess. Bringing it to his face he let the tears fall as he collapsed onto the sofa.
Their baby.
He felt as though he had lost everything he cared about in one fell swoop. Inhaling, he caught Liv's scent on the fabric and it comforted him. She needed him. She needed him to be there for her and that was what he was going to do. He would find the bastard that had done this to her. He would bring him to justice. But first he would look after her.
A sense of calm washed over him as he found a purpose. Moving back through the apartment he gathered his clothes and dressed. Without bothering to tidy the mess he had made he grabbed his keys and moved out into the hallway, heading for Liv's apartment. When she woke she would want her own things to comfort her. He knew that she hated hospitals and hated hospital gowns. He would do what he could to bring her as much comfort as she would allow him to.
"Unfortunately, we were unable to save the baby."
He may have lost his baby but he wasn't going to lose her too.
Oh so sad! Poor Fin. I actually really like Fin, even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes. And I think he really does care for Olivia. But are his feelings enough? What's happening at the hospital? Is Olivia even still alive? What about Elliot? He had his own injuries to deal with, didn't he? And poor Cragen. Losing Liv would be like losing a daughter to him.
Stay tuned for the next chapter! Fic xox