First off I'd like to thank you all for the reviews, follows and favs... I'm truly humbled by this response and hope the rest of the story can live up to your expectations.
With all that said I won't be updating as regular (daily) going forward. I have about 2-3 chapters after this one that are more or less done and I will post them during the coming 2-3 days. I do have the story more or less thought out (and we are just in the very beginning of it) but have to put it down into writing and there is a few things to figure out. I do have a few busy weeks coming up (including a possible move to another country), so even if I will try to post as regular as possible, I can assure you that it won't be daily anymore. However I can promise not to leave this story until it's finished, so don't worry about that.
"What's the case… bring it on", Jay rubbed the palms of his hands together, excited to once again 'partner up' with Erin. He just loved it when she came by, more than the chance of getting to see her, it made him feel like a detective again. Like someone who actually made a difference.
"No case today" Erin stated with a smirk.
"What, why not?" he didn't even try to hide the disappointment in his voice.
"I went to see your brother"
With those words silence fell over the room. Jay's chin dropped and he almost swallowed his own tung in shock.. "You did what now?" he finally blurred out.
"I saw Will, he really misses you…"
"why… WHY would you do that?!", Jay didn't know what if to scream or not, he didn't understand anything.. what was happening, why did she do that. He tried to come up with a reason but couldn't find any that made sense.
Erin sighed and knew it was about time she came clean about what had been bothering her for months, what had made her go to Will.
"Well nothing added up Jay, nothing made sense… They say you are a monster, they say you have done all this horrific things.."
This was the first time she had ever mentioned the reason to why he was sitting behind bars. He had always known that she knew why he was there. That she also like everyone else saw him as a monster, but her look had always been different and when she'd been there it had been like he was in another world. A world where he wasn't on death row. But now everything became so real again, he was hit with the realisation that even Erin Lindsay looked at him with disgust and he couldn't blame her.
But then he realised something else, what she was saying. They say your are a monster, They say you have done all this horrific things… Nothing adds up. No he heard all that wrong, he must have. He had to focus to hear what she was actually saying.
Erin took a breath and continued "But the more I came here, the more times I met you, got to know you. Nothing of what I had read or heard made sense. I needed to see it myself, I needed to see your dark side but you wouldn't let me see it. That's why I went to see Will, I figured maybe if I heard him say those things about you. Your own brother, then maybe I could accept it. Accept that you were a monster. "
Jay was completely speechless, he wanted to say something but he couldn't get a word out. He could hardly process what he was hearing.
"He didn't though. Will didn't say what I needed him to say, what I needed to hear. Instead he told me that you were innocent, that you couldn't have done it. He told me about your childhood, he told me about it all.."
Erin went quiet for a second, deciding if she should tell him this next part or not. She had thought about it non-stop since her meeting with Will, debating it over and over in her head. But as she now sat infront of Jay, staring into those green eyes a big part of her felt confident about it.. so she continued.
"and when Will said all of that, when he said that you were innocent, I… I… I believed him", she looked hastily down as she said last word not knowing what Jay's response would be, not knowing if she just made a big misstake.
She waited for a minut but as the silence was kept intact Erin finally looked up to spot Jay Halstead sitting with a facial expression like a fish, his mouth a gape.
Jay finally moved his mouth like he wanted to say something but nothing came out, he tried his hardest to form words, just any words but he couldn't.
Even though Erin believed her own words, believed that in fact a big part of her thought he was innocent, she wasn't 100% and she needed to be. As she sat there staring at this fish looking death-row convict with the most beautiful eyes she'd ever spot sitting in front of her a question sprung to her mind, a big darn question. How hadn't she thought about it before, how hadn't she even thought about asking him?
"There is something I don't understand though.." she finally said, Jay now closed his mouth knowing she had something more to say before he'd have to respond. How he still didn't know, as this entire situation had taken him completely off guard.
"How come… I mean if Will is right and you are innocent… how come you never fought for your innocents? I've read all of the reports and it's like you just accepted it all. You never appealed, you never fought."
"Will told me and I quote 'Nothing ever broke Jay Halstead' so how would you let them break you? If you were innocent how come you never put up a fight?"
Jay rubbed his face in his hands as Erin spoke the last sentence. Then a word finally left his mouth, it came out quiet so that Erin almost couldn't hear it but she did. "Will" was all he said.
She stayed quiet hoping he'd elaborate and when he didn't she calmly asked "What about Will?".
That's when he removed his hands from his face and she could spot his red tear-filled eyes, he looked at her, then up at the roof, to the sides, down, back at her all while he tried to clear his throat.
Between sobs he finally let the words come out.. "I did it.. for eh, I did it for Will.."
Erin looked confused and Jay saw it, he knew he had to explain more than that. So he took a deep breath and brushed the tears away from his face trying to keep all those emotions inside.
"As you know I am.. or well I was a detective. I'd been at trails before and I know how an air-tight case looks like. I also know what it looks like when the accused has no chance. And I didn't. The entire Chicago Police Department, the Justice system, hell the whole world had already decided I was guilty. There was no one on my side, all the people who knew me, who worked with me, who would've witnessed on my behalf were dead. I had nothing, no one in my corner. Before the trail even began I knew it was over. I had no chance."
"And Will?" Erin asked, still wondering why he'd first said his brothers name.
"Well" Jay sighed… "Will was the only one I had left, my only family member, my only friend. Don't take me wrong I love my brother I truly do, he's a great medic but he don't know anything about the justice system. I knew he couldn't help me how much he even wanted to."
Jay took another breath as he continued. "But I knew he would never stop trying. If I fought he'd fought with me, he would dedicate his entire life to getting me out of here. But I knew there was no chance, I knew the case was as tight as they get. The only thing fighting would do was destroy his life. I couldn't let that happen, I already did it once."
"What you mean" Erin asked, knowing she was probably going a bit to personal here but her curiosity took the best of her.
"When our mother got sick, I wasn't there for neither of them. Will lost it, he dropped out of medical school, started partying. He lost his mother, he lost his scholarship and I guess he'd already lost his brother… It was all my fault"
"Jay…" Erin wanted to comfort him, damn she wished that plastic glas window wasn't between them right now, just so she could give him a hug, tell him that neither of that had been his fault.
Instead Jay shook his head and continued. "I couldn't destroy his life again. He had just gotten it all back together. He used the money from our mothers will to finally get his degree and he did his internship in New York before he moved back to Chicago and got a job at Med. He was happy."
Jay was smiling now remembering the sight of his brothers face the day he'd told him he was back in Chicago to stay, that he was finally going to work as a doctor and that life was finally looking bright again.
"He was happy, I couldn't take that away from him.. I just couldn't. So I.."
"So you what? You cut him out of your life", Erin snorted out, she was starting to get pissed at Jay now.
She loved how he cared about others, how he seemed to put everyone above himself and she had already concluded that he was smart, one of the best detectives if he could still be called one that she'd probably ever met. But in this case he seemed really damn dumb. She knew what Will's life was like now, she had seen it herself and he sure as hell wasn't happy.
Jay was taken aback by Erins outburst and before he could respond to her question, she was at it again.
"What were you thinking Jay? The guy already lost his mother, his father walked out on him. How the hell would his brother not letting him fight for him, damn even worse refusing to let him visit him. Make his life better, make him happy?"
For the hundredth time during this visit Jay was left in a shock-state. How did she even know that he didn't let Will visit him, he'd never told her that. Oh Will must have. Then he recollected what she had just said..
"I thought, that if I was dead to him I couldn't create anymore problems for him. Then he could finally go on and live his life without me destroying it", he finally mumbled.
Erin shook her head. "You don't get it… do you?"
"What?" Jay was just getting more and more confused by the minut.
"Your brother loves you, he truly loves you and he needs you. He dosen't know what to do without you. You cutting him out isn't making him happy. Just because you won't see him dosen't mean he don't think about you, just because you won't fight, dosen't mean he'll quit. He's not happy Jay."
"H-e… he told you all that?"
"He didn't need to. The way he looked, the place he works at, the way he opened up about your childhood the first time we ever met just because I showed the slightest hint that I might be on your side. The way he broke down by the wall crying as we talked about you. That, all of that said it."
Jay, shook his head in disbelief as a half smile spread on his face.. "no, no your lying. Will Halstead never cries. Med isn't a shitty place. You've probably never even met him."
"He dosen't work at Med, he's at a shitty free clinic and yes he do cry Jay, he do now because he's broken. He misses you so much that he's completely broken."
"I don't believe you, I don't believe you." Jay was trying to keep his cool, act like he didn't believe her but the tears were again threatening to come out.
"Well ask him yourself, let him visit you again. If you care as much about him as you say, just let him visit you! Please Jay, he needs it."
Erin was looking at him with her hazel-eyes, pleading to him. And the thing she was asking was the thing he wanted more than anything in this world, to see his brother again, but he wasn't a selfish person and he wasn't about to start now.
"No, it's better for him to forget about me. If you see him just tell him that I'm already dead.", he said as coldly as he could.
"You know I can't and I won't do that Jay"
Then Erin started he pleading again, she wasn't leaving here until he agreed.
"I won't leave until you say that you will see him."
Jay smiled knowing he had the upper hand here "Well they won't let you stay in here with me forever, even if I hadn't mind" and just like that the flirtatious banters between the two were back.
She tried not too let him affect her but he was just to darn cute when he looked at her like that. "Well, guess they will have to throw me out then, and when they finally do I will be back the next day. I will keep coming back until you obliged to my request", now she was the one smiling, Jay trying his best not to let her affect him but he knew he'd already lost that battle.
Just as he was about to admit defeat the guard knocked on the door "times up!" he shouted.
"As you don't seem to do anything for yourself, please do it for Will, hell even do it for me," Erin pleaded in one last attempt and just like that he obliged with an "Okey", before being dragged back to his cell by the guards.