Hello everyone! Thanks for the interest you put in this fic, and sorry for the delay. I hit writer's block and was unable to write the next chapter, which since this site gets updated a chapter behind meant a delay for you also.

Anyway I hope you'll like this new chapter!

Chapter 2: That is courage, hidden in your dread

One of the foremost memories Sirius carries is remembering lying in bed, with Regulus and them both crying.

He doesn't remember what it was about. Perhaps about the brothers meeting a muggle children in the park nearby and getting hit for it while at home. Maybe because Sirius rebelled at learning manners and courtesies that didn't make any sense. Maybe because Reg went into their mother's wardrobe and got punished for wearing her dresses.

Maybe all three happened; all Sirius can remember is clutching his sibling close and crying his heart out in Reg's hair while his brother made Sirius' shirt properly soaked with his own tears.

And even now, even after their parents forbid them to sleep in the same bed — (and Sirius can remember the hissed words of "Unnatural" that Mother hardly tried to hide,) Reg still finds his way into his bed. He leaves well before morning comes, but they both take comfort in hugging each other during the darkest hours of the day.

Contrary to what Mother expected, Reg didn't grow to be handsome, he grew to be pretty. Sirius was handsome, the same way his father was, but gracious Reg looked more like Narcissa and Andromeda than any of their parents.

(it made Mother so mad when Arcturus told her that.)

But Sirius was grown enough to understand what was happening: in Wizarding society, you had to correspond to a gender. Whether be it man, woman or nothing or both, you had to have one. And whether your body corresponded or not to your magical core and gender mattered very little, as a body could be modified to be in harmony with both.

That's what the Traditionalists like Grandfather Arcturus, Great aunt Cassiopeia and Uncle Pollux believed.

On the other hand, the New Traditionalists, like Mother and Father, who supported the Dark Lord, believed that magic made you a gender and that you had to adapt to your gender; a view that was suspiciously close to what the religious muggleborn party believed, but nobody had yet to point it out. (Pollux didn't care much for the views of the new Dark Lord on genders)

And the family was in a right snit about those two views opposing each other.

Particularly because Lord Black — Grandfather Arcturus — was of the Traditionalists, and because his chosen heir was of the New Traditionalist.
And that the subsequent heirs (Sirius and Regulus) were far too young to have established an opinion one way or another. The fact that both of them were under the thumb of parents who wouldn't allow them to express themselves was a minor concern.

So up until the time where Sirius could go to Hogwarts — and be recognized as the rightful heir in place of his father, the tension continued to mount. And Sirius was left trying to protect himself and his brother from adults that would only use them for their own ends; not even Grandfather Arcturus who said he wanted only the best for the two of them thought a second about what would happen to Sirius and Reg if he riled their parents a time too much.

Nobody ever thought about the consequences of their actions on others, that was a lesson Sirius bitterly learned.

At nine years old, Sirius was no longer sure he was Sirius.

For all his bluster and his pride at being called handsome, he longed to be able to wear what he damn well wanted to. He was also very curious about Mother's makeup and brush. He wanted to wear his hair long, but he didn't have a good excuse for it. Until Reg came to him one night, beaming, with a book that was almost as tall as him.

"You know what?" the excited kid asked him.

"What?"

"In the old times, lords and heirs used to have their hair long! I found out after asking Kreacher for history books… and I thought. Well maybe Father will allow us to grow our hair? Since we're all heirs to Lord Black."

Sirius made a thoughtful hum before messing Reg's bangs with a smile.

"Siriiiiii…!", whined the smallest Black before laying down next to Sirius, and falling asleep in the next two breathes.

The eldest just shook his head, smiling fondly at Reg's ability to fall asleep anywhere and anytime without pause.
Though his brother had a point. The argument might work on their parents; after all they were Traditionalists, New as they may be and the re-starting of an old tradition would be exactly what they would be proud to do.

Sirius' eyes gleamed as he examined his brother's book and started to read to find references and sources on that point. He would wear his hair as long as Rapunzel if it let his brother be happy with himself. (and the fact that it would appease a part of him that hungered for something more made him only more determined.)

The two brothers had a new nightly ritual, now that their father accepted to let them grow their hair.

They would brush each other's hair and do a single braid to avoid tangled hair in the morning — the Black hair was not as wild as the Potter hair, but metamorphomagus magic in the bloodline made their hair by turns too curly or too straight and an inability to stay untangled.

Now Sirius understood better the profanities Cousin Narcissa said whenever her mother was brushing her hair — tangled hair hurt and Aunt Druella was not the most gentle person in the world.
In fact, Sirius wouldn't put it past her to tear on her daughter's hair just to teach her to stop forgetting putting her hair in a plait.

Traditionalist settings also meant that cousins Andromeda and Narcissa were never free to wear their hair free, as that was seen as uh… how did Mother put it again? Oh right. Being a person of Loose and Questionable Morals, and as they were ladies, they had to wear their hair up.

Reg still teared up whenever Mother reminded him that he was only allowed to wear his hair long because there wasn't a definite line of inheritance yet.
Sirius happily called her a heinous harpy in his head, as he absolutely abhorred the giddy look her mother had on her face every time she talked about "Cutting off that nonsense" with a wild gesture to Reg's hair.

Sirius would happily renounce to the heirship if it let Reg be happy — but as he didn't have his Hogwarts letter, he wasn't officially an heir and couldn't renounce it as it wasn't his to renounce.

Back on his track of thought, Sirius mused, what made his mother even angrier was the fact that Cousin Bellatrix, who regularly moved between genders as one would between doors, was allowed to do as they pleased.
Including wearing their hair short — that was a year ago and Sirius still laughed at remembering Mother's look when seeing Cousin Bellatrix at that dinner — but also completely unrestrained, which led to Mother banning both Cousin Bellatrix and Uncle Pollux until he "managed to get his daughter back under control", never mind that Cousin Bellatrix preferred child and not daughter.

Sirius was sad to not see Cousin Bellatrix, but Cousin Narcissa and Cousin Andromeda were both more than happy to come and visit them and teach Reg how to dress and paint his face.

They had taken to scouring the library to find new names for Reg. Sirius took the blame for that, telling their parents that he was actually searching for names for his future children, and that he brought both Reg and his cousins because more than one opinion was always better.

His mother didn't really buy it, but Father did, and Sirius managed to keep quiet for a while yet.

Reg was giddy, and refused to tell what he and the cousins had discussed — no matter what bribes Sirius had prepared.
(Though Reg was sneaky enough to take the bribe before refusing — if Sirius had any thought his sibling wouldn't get in Slytherin, they would have went up in smoke at that.)

He caught him writing letters to Great Aunt Cassiopeia, but Sirius left him at it: if Auntie Cass caught him at badgering his brother over a letter (and she would know), Sirius' ears would take another ringing scolding and he was in no hurry to have it again.

Even though putting frogs in the pie with Uncle Ignatius was pretty funny.

The letter from Great Aunt Cass came one morning, a few weeks before June and the end of the school year — not that Sirius was particularly concerned yet but the letters would be sent at the first of July for him and the tension was particularly high. And already Sirius was feeling nervous.

He knew he was magical, he had enough magical accidents to prove it — which his parents treated both as the greatest gift he could have given them and as something that had to be hidden and never mentioned.

Nonetheless, Reg receiving a letter from Great Aunt Cass was cause of great agitation that morning, up until when Mother tried to take the letter from the owl and got summarily savaged by it.
Sirius had to keep the nervous giggles inside for fear of his parents to turn to him for answers, answers he could not and would not give.

Mother went screeching to the floo and to Saint-Mungo's with Father in tow, while the both of them were left to blink at each other and Kreacher.

Sirius only had to meet Reg's eyes before they started howling with laughter at what just happened. Oh, Sirius was sure they would pay for it, but until then, Reg could read his letter in peace and write an answer before Mother and Father came home.

He said as much to his brother, and Reg gave him a beaming smile before disappearing inside — they both knew Kreacher adored Reg, but if given a strict order by Mother, Kreacher would have to answer. And so, in order to keep the peace and spare each other the worst hurt, they would not tell the other one what happened or confidential things for fear of their parents interrogating the other.

Since Father gave Veritaserum once to Reg, Sirius felt he had every rights to be wary of them.

Even with the way Sirius' backside hurt, he couldn't regret taking the blame for his brother's correspondence and the way Great Aunt Cass's owl attacked Mother.

He had never seen Reg this happy. He was literally beaming with joy, or humming things under his breath or drawing magnificent gowns on his sketchpad, or just simply staring at the window with a smile. He would take all the beatings in the world if it kept Reg happy.

Reg had refused to tell him what Great Aunt Cass said though — and Sirius couldn't help but be hurt by it. He knew why, he even taught his brother that some things had to be kept quiet so their parents wouldn't use it against each other, but he still couldn't help the irrational feeling of hurt at his brother's secrecy.

Especially since apparently both Cousin Narcissa and Andromeda were in on the secret.

The stranglehold managed to explode with a regularity that even bothered Father. Because Sirius' favorite target when he was feeling too much emotion to express them quietly was to shout at Mother who gave as good as she got.

…Sometimes even better than she got, Sirius thought regretfully as he tried to find a comfortable position in the sitting room.

Father had asked him to come there, and Sirius was fearing to get another dressing down from Father… or worse.

But Sirius didn't have to wait longer, as Father strode in the room, looking aggravated and fuming slightly.
Sirius tried to disappear in the couch, but winced uncomfortably when one of his bruises got pressure on it.

Father only took a look at his heir before shaking his head.

"Sirius."

"Yes Father?"

"Stop taunting your mother boy. It's not an attitude fit for a Heir of House Black, and not an attitude fit for my son. If you don't obey your mother and stop your incessant temper tantrums, there will be consequences. Am I clear?"

Sirius looked at his feet and nodded, before jumping when Father cleared his throat meaningfully.

"Yes Father. I hear and obey."

Father nodded decisively at Sirius, before staring into the fireplace.

"Your Grandfather Lord Black has asked that you and Regulus come to Manoir Black after your letter comes — as you will be the Heir to House Black and Regulus your own heir."

Sirius startled and let out a yelp before clamping back on his composure.

"Father?"

Orion Black turned back to his son, his glare more menacing than ever.

"You will comport yourself as fit a Heir of House Black. You will obey every order of Lord Black as if it were my own — and so help me if you don't, as you will not like the consequences of that particular disobedience."

Sirius nodded and gulped, fear fighting hope in his chest.
He would be free of his parents? For a full summer? And Reg would be here too?

Even the promise of a most severe beating couldn't stop him from smiling.

Free.

It was only a fortnight later when both Sirius and Regulus were Flooed to their Grandparents' manor, the Lord and Lady Black apparently having confirmed that they would take Sirius shopping.

As it was Traditional to have a Lord of House accompanying their heir to Hogwarts (and that included the shopping too), Father and Mother had not much of a leg to stand on for protesting it.
Sirius was just glad he wouldn't have to suffer through a full day in Diagon Alley with Mother critiquing every witch and wizard they met, and with Father nitpicking over every Galleon they had to pay.

Sirius didn't know what he expected of Manoir Black, but being swept into a tight hug by Grandmother Melania — "please call me Grandma dearest" and put upon Grandfather Arcturus' shoulders like a sack of potatoes was not it. Not that he didn't appreciate. But he, more than anyone else, always wondered at the hidden benefits of any actions, and he couldn't really see where his grandparents were going with that attitude.

Reg however took to it like a fish to water, reveling in Grandma's attentions like a flower under the sun. They both took to hide for hours in the Music room, which left Sirius with Grandfather who started to teach him how to rule a house and to take care of its finances.

Sirius was really jealous of Grandma being always with Reg. Up until now, Sirius and Reg were inseparable, not even their parents could put a barrier between them, and yet within a few days of being in Manoir Black, Reg would happily abandon him for hours and didn't even inquire of what Sirius had been doing.

Sirius only gritted his teeth and performed as much as the perfect Black Heir he could, never giving Grandfather or Grandma cause to complain to his parents.

He gritted his teeth too through the visit at Diagon, where they left Reg at home with Uncle Pollux and Cousins Narcissa, Andromeda and Bellatrix (who was authorized to visit Manoir Black and therefore invited to the family reunion). When he was given a wand with a dragon core — "One for impulsive and courageous minds" had murmured Ollivanders when he fitted him.

He gritted his teeth when Grandma would praise Reg's skills with the harp and piano, and the way he would sing, when she would praise his great sense of aesthetics in designing jewellry and clothes.

He gritted his teeth when Grandma inquired sweetly — too sweetly, fake fake fake! said a part of his mind — after his studies. Gritted his teeth through the many praises Grandfather gave him, of his quick mind at his studies.

He knew his strengths: studying was not one of them. How could he study when he had to be aware of any words he had to say? Of when his Father or Mother would duck inside the study in the hope of catching him cheating or whatever ideas they had at the moment? He couldn't study, and yet Lord Black was here, praising the skills Sirius knew he didn't possess.

That left him a bitter taste in the mouth.

But finally, finally the day to leave for Hogwarts came. Even though Reg would be forced to go back to their parent's house at Grimmauld place, Sirius couldn't help but be relieved.
At least he knew what his parents were capable of. He didn't trust one bit his grandparents.

No one can be that kind. No one.

Being on the Hogwarts Express was a relief, even though it tore something inside Sirius to leave his little brother on the platform, tears trailing down both their faces while Grandma and Grandfather waved regally at him.

He was glad to see the back of them though. Not so much at leaving his brother but he hoped it would get better with time. It had to.
(Sirius wouldn't survive the year at Hogwarts if it didn't.)

He heard a slight knock on the wagon door, and tried to dry his tears as fast as possible. Mother had warned him about what happened to a Slytherin if someone saw a sign of weakness and he had no wish to pay for a small weakness just a few minutes in the year.

He saw a small slip of a girl, bright red hair around her face (and left loose! What would Mother think?) take a look inside and give him a bright smile.

"Hi! We were looking for a compartment. You're waiting for someone or can we…?", she said as she gestured slightly at the empty seats.

"Uh… Yes, of course. But… we?"

The red haired little girl only smiled widely at him before opening the door and bring another girl with her. That one was dark haired, with a slightly crooked nose and two wide doe-eyes.

"Yes, us! My name's Lily Evans, and she's Ruslana Snape. What's your name? We're first year at Hogwarts. You too? Also I really like your hair, what do you do to it?"

Sirius only blinked in answer at the rapid-fire sentences.
Ruslana noticed his bewildered look and smiled at him before tugging slightly on Lily's hand.

"Give him time to answer, Lils. He's not used to having to answer three questions in less than a second."

Lily pouted visibly at her friends before turning back on Sirius with a beaming smile.

"So?"

And despite the fact that Sirius would have preferred not to trust those two, they reminded him too much of Reg, of his beaming smile and secretive moods, of his black hair, as wild as Lily, and of his serious eyes that looked too much like Ruslana's.

"My name is Sirius Black, and I'm also a first year. I don't do much to my hair, but I let my brother brush it."

Lily beamed at him and started talking about her own brother, Juniper, who was a kind boy who knew how to brush Lily hair so it fell just right and who was as excited as Lily to learn of the Magical World.

And Sirius only smiled at them, listening intently at those words.

Father and Mother didn't matter, here Sirius was free.