Chapter 5
The next morning, Syed struggles to wake from a deep sleep. Hazily looking around the unfamiliar room, he is unsure for a moment where he is. Rubbing his eye with the palm of one hand, whilst reaching out with the other to turn the clock on the bedside table towards him to check the time; his movements are clumsy and he accidentally knocks the clock to the floor.
"Morning sleeping beauty," a female voice calls from the en suite, startling him.
"Um, morning," he replies uncertainly, his dry mouth struggling with the words.
"I'm Nicki, nice to meet you," she adds, poking her head around the door.
"Nicki?" Syed weakly repeats.
"Hope I didn't wake you," she offers, her eyes drifting over him as she speaks.
Following her interested gaze, Syed becomes aware that he's giving her a lot to look at. He makes a grab for the quilt, which has slipped almost off the bed; and winces in pain, as his body protests at the sudden movement.
"Wild night, was it?" she teases. "You look a bit dishevelled."
Syed's guilty blush answers her question.
"I've been expecting you for months; what took you so long?"
"What are you talking about, and who are you?" he responds, his voice now a little stronger and with a hint of annoyance at the intrusion.
"I'm Danny's aunt; I clean here a couple of hours, 2-3 mornings a week. And you're Syed, right?"
"Yes," he confirms.
"And how do you know Danny?"
"We're friends," Syed mumbles, blushing even more.
"Very good friends, I'd have said," she laughs.
"Would you mind …?"
"Of course, I can finish cleaning in here after you've showered and dressed," Nicki helpfully offers, but without moving.
"I'm not getting out of the bed until you leave the room," Syed says pointedly.
"Spoilsport," she teases.
As soon as the door closes behind her, Syed immediately jumps out of bed and runs to lock it.
"What am I doing here?" he asks himself despairingly, as he sinks back down onto the bed. "A moment of brutally-vivid recollection of exactly what happened after he walked into the bedroom the night before, harshly reminds him of how very willing he'd been after his initial awkwardness; and appears to be the basic answer to this question.
"He turned our lives upside down, he ruined everything; and yet, last night I ... I ...," he stutters to a halt, overcome with shame. His troubled thoughts stop him in his tracks for a while; but the sound of the hoover coming from beyond the bedroom door jolts him into action once more.
"It was just like this with Christian in the beginning," he reflects, as the spray from the shower hits his aching limbs; "I could barely walk for the first few weeks." Those first few idyllic weeks after he moved in with Christian were the happiest of his life, and he accepts that his last chance of getting them back has now gone. He knows he doesn't deserve to cry over Christian, but does so anyway.
After a long shower, he feels slightly more human. When he walks back into the bedroom, he spots a note pinned to the pillow; and for a crazy moment, imagines it saying something intimate, affectionate even. Reading it, he is quickly disabused of that notion:
Syed:
- log onto computer - log in: dpennant; password: syed5
- will send you emails with instructions for work
- assume you'll want to get to restaurant for 12 to help your brother with lunch
- Nicki's coming in at 9 to clean; have told her you'll be here
- I'll be home around 8 - cook whatever you fancy for dinner
"Right. Well, I guess I now know how things are going to be," Syed says to himself. He's not quite sure what to think about that, so he doesn't; he finishes getting dressed.
"I've made a pot of coffee," Nicki greets as he walks out of the bedroom.
"Thanks," Syed responds. He gets himself some cereal and goes to sit at the breakfast bar.
"So, what's the deal with you and Danny?" she begins, as she sits down opposite him.
"We're friends, it's complicated … I'd rather not talk about it," he replies, more in hope than expectation.
"Where did you meet?" she persists with her line of enquiry.
"What did you mean earlier when you said you'd been expecting me for months?"
"Danny first told me about you back in October; gave me the impression you'd be moving in within weeks. I assumed you were part of the reason he bought this place. But then, time passed and there was no sign of you; and when I asked him what had happened, he barked at me to mind my own business."
"I see," Syed says, surprised.
"Last night, he phoned to tell me you'd be here when I came to clean; that you would be living here from now on; that I should stay out of your way, leave you alone, not ask loads of questions, etc.; made such a big deal about it."
"Well, you obviously listened to him," Syed laughs.
"I've never known him to make a fuss over a guy before, so of course I want to know what's going on. Danny's a vulnerable, sensitive boy; he needs protecting from anyone who might try to hurt him; and you've obviously let him down in the past, so …" she trails off expectantly.
"Right," he says, slightly mystified; he wonders how she could possibly be speaking about the Danny he knows. Sensing she won't need much encouragement to carry on talking, he waits; and sure enough …
"He's been practically all alone in the world since he was 16, you know; since my stupid brother and sister-in-law rejected him."
"They rejected him?" Syed can't help being drawn in, curious despite himself.
"They're both religious, Catholics; they take it seriously: go to church every Sunday; say prayers; believe everything the Vatican tells them, including the bit about it being a sin for a man to have sex with another man; so you can imagine their reaction when they find out they have a gay son."
"How did they find out?"
"Tony, Danny's dad, is a policeman; and during one of his night shifts there was a raid on a gay night club in the area; a tip-off about drugs. And who do you think they found in one of those dark rooms out back, and him wrapped around some guy?"
"No," Syed gasps in amazement.
"It didn't help that Danny was drunk at the time, and only just turned 16.
Anyway, the fallout was massive. Tony came to see me the next day in a right state; told me the all about it: Said he got the shock of his life when he entered the bar and came face to face with his youngest son; but that Danny hadn't seemed particularly bothered about being caught out. According to Tony, he'd been generally difficult and uncooperative: embarrassing him in front of the other officers by shouting at him to leave him alone and to mind his own business, among other things. He also demanded to be let stay in the bar; and in the car on the way home, kept going on about wanting to return; saying he had unfinished business to take care of, and accusing Tony of rudely interrupting them."
"Really; 'unfinished business', he actually said that? Syed asks, stunned. "Although, maybe, if he was drunk ..."
"He maintained that Tony had cost him £25 by dragging him away when he did."
"He was charging for it?" Syed asks faintly.
"I suppose £25 is a fair bit of money to a 16-year-old," Nicki concedes.
"Sex really doesn't pay very much, does it?" Syed muses.
"Sex? No; it wasn't sex, it was pool."
"He was playing pool in the dark room of a nightclub?" Syed asks confused.
"No, of course not, that would be impossible; how would you even be able to see the balls to pot them?"
"I wouldn't have thought there would be much call for a pool table in a nightclub," he can't help offering the opinion.
"No, the pool table was in the pub," Nicki responds sharply, now becoming slightly impatient at his failure to keep up with the story.
"So Danny wasn't in a nightclub?" Syed asks; his head beginning to spin.
"The pool table was Tony's version of what happened. He told me that they raided a gay bar, and that Danny was in the bar at the pool table playing pool when they walked in – he never mentioned a night club. You see, Tony wouldn't have been able to tell me the truth; he would have been too ashamed."
"So Danny told you what actually happened, later?"
"No, he's never spoken to me about it."
"So what made you think he was wrapped around a guy in the dark room of a nightclub?"
"Well he could have been," Nicki says defensively. "And if it wasn't one of those dark rooms, it was definitely somewhere with very poor lighting; there's always very poor lighting in those places, so that ... stuff can happen discretely, if you know what I mean."
"Maybe," Syed says unsurely.
"You see, it's different for young gay men," she patently explains, as if he might not already know a very much about them, "they want excitement; they go out at night to hook up with other guys, not to do something as dull as play pool. How can you scope the room looking for hot guys if you're bent over a pool table?"
"Well, if you're bent over a pool table, you're letting hot guys scope you out," Syed helpfully points out.
"It's a possibility," Nicki concedes.
"You've been to a few gay bars and clubs, then; you know what goes down?" Syed teases.
"No, but I've done research online; and I've watched films, soaps. I read this article once, an interview with one of those soap actors; he talked about going to clubs with dark rooms where you could have sex till you dropped; there were sexy pictures of him with this guy, a photo shoot; it was all quite shocking, but strangely fascinating," she confides with a girlish giggle.
"So you think that's what Danny does when he goes out," Syed realises. He has to bite his lip to stop himself laughing as he imagines Danny's reaction if he knew just how curious his aunt was about his sex life. "Have you mentioned any of this to Danny?" he asks.
"Yea; I've tried to get him to open up about what it all means to him; about the places he goes, the men he meets; but he won't talk to me about any of it. I found condoms in the drawer of his bedside table, so I'm not too worried on that front. But it's not just about him being careful; I don't want him to feel that he has to hide that part of his life. If he were straight, he'd be able to casually talk about going out, meeting girls, etc.; so why shouldn't he be able to do the same as a gay man?"
"I'm sure, even though he might not say it, that he appreciates your support," Syed says sympathetically.
"Anyway," Nicki says, bringing them back on track, "after that night, Tony was full of guilt; blaming himself for what he felt was Danny's 'fall from grace'. They'd never been particularly close; and he believed that if he'd tried harder to understand him, spent more time talking to him, been a better father; that Danny wouldn't have ended up 'losing his way'. I remember telling him at the time that he should be more worried by the fact that his 16-year-old son had been drunk and in a bar late at night instead of at home revising for his exams. But, of course, all Tony could focus on was the 'horrific' possibility of Danny being gay.
Melissa, Danny's mum, wouldn't stop crying and lamenting the loss of her precious son. I seriously doubt she could have been any more upset if he'd actually died.
Tony raged at him for hours, but Danny wouldn't back down. He was all defiant, insisting he had nothing to be ashamed of, that he'd done nothing wrong. When Tony realised that it didn't matter what he said, that Danny was going to continue to live his life exactly as he wanted to, something inside him snapped; and from that day to this, he's shut Danny out of his life; refusing to even acknowledge his existence."
"That's tough," Syed says thoughtfully.
"Normally, my brother is a good, caring man; he gets great satisfaction from being able to help people and make a difference in their lives. Religious brainwashing is the only way to explain his cruel behaviour towards a member of his own family. I swear, logic and reason go out the window once religion gets a grip on a person."
"I don't think it's that simple," Syed ventures. "Many people who aren't religious still struggle to accept homosexuality."
"Of course; but you must admit that having something as powerful and influential as religion, which seems to stop millions of people thinking for themselves; to have it teaching people that something is bad/wrong/a sin really doesn't help; and in lots of cases can be dangerous and even indirectly life-threatening. Are you religious?"
"Yes, I'm Musl*m."
So I suppose you were brought up to believe that homosexuality is wrong?"
"We're supposed to believe it's against God's will; but I've reconciled myself to being gay and Musl*m. I've gotten to a place where I believe God accepts me as I am."
"Now imagine if you weren't gay; would you still believe it was wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do; you would think the same way as my brother," Nicki says confidently.
"I hope I would never reject a person because of their sexuality; no matter what my own beliefs or sexual preferences were."
"It's a noble sentiment in theory; but most of the straight men I know, religious or otherwise, would struggle if their son came to them and told them he was gay."
"Danny's lucky to have someone like you in his life," Syed says sincerely.
"He needs someone to look out for him; he's too gentle for this world."
"Yea," Syed agrees, whilst privately wondering if Nicki really knows Danny at all.
"Right, I'd better get back to work, or I'll never be done," she decides, getting up to rinse her cup in the sink.
"Me too," Syed agrees. He is curious to know more about 16-year-old Danny, but is wary of prying for fear of it getting back to him.
###
Later that day, in another part of town
"Christian, Christian, wait," Zainab calls, rushing towards him.
"Zainab," he murmurs, his eyes lowered.
"Didn't you hear me?" she demands, grabbing his arm.
"Sorry, bit distracted."
"Where's Syed? I've been trying to get hold of him; his phone's switched off. I thought you could both come for dinner tonight."
"I don't know or care where Syed is," Christian says dejectedly; he looks up as he says the words, and Zainab is shocked to see his puffy eyes and pale, unhappy face."
"Have you had a row?"
"It's over," he whispers. "He's left me."
"Come with me; we can sort this out," she gently cajoles, taking his arm and leading him towards the house. Making a couple of cups of tea, she sits him down and waits for him to tell her about some minor bust-up.
"He's moved in with Danny," Christian says, his tears slowly trickling down his cheeks.
"What?" she gasps, stunned.
But Christian doesn't elaborate; so she has to bite down on all the questions she is desperate to ask, and concentrate instead on taking care of him. "Are you hungry, you probably haven't eaten; I'll cook something," she decides, rushing off to the kitchen.
###
"You're quiet," Tamwar observes. "Anything wrong? You haven't sold Kamil to get the money to pay Ian the deposit on the flat, have you?"
"I'm just a bit tired," Syed absently assures him.
"Things okay with you and Christian?"
"Fine," Syed mumbles unconvincingly.
"You're missing Yasmin."
"Yea," he agrees; wretchedly realising as he does so that he hasn't thought of his adorable little daughter once in the past 24 hours.
"You'll work something out with Amira, I'm sure of it," Tamwar gently consoles.
"Everything's such a mess," Syed sighs.
"It's always darkest before the dawn," Tamwar wisely advises.
"Is it, really?" Syed asks, unable to hold back a smile.
"Would you mind, once the lunchtime rush is over, doing the takings? I've kept the bookkeeping up to date, but if you could take a look …"
"No," Syed responds sharply. "We agreed that I would only come back here to do the leg work; I'm not touching anything to do with the money side."
"Syed, don't be silly; I know you wouldn't …"
"Tam, please don't think that just because I've said I was sorry, you can trust me now; I've let people down too often to deserve anyone's trust."
"You didn't …"
"Syed," Zainab's voice booms from the doorway. Tamwar jumps with fright, but Syed simply walks away and into the kitchen. Zainab grabs his arm before he can duck out the back door.
"No, you don't; you're going nowhere until you've explained yourself," she growls.
"Mum, what's wrong," Tamwar asks. "Where's Kamil?" he adds as an afterthought.
"Your brother has left his husband of only a few months and shacked up with that horrible Danny," she bluntly informs him. "'Shacked', that's the right word, isn't it?"
"Syed?" Tamwar cries, shocked, "I didn't know you were still in contact with him."
"Of course you didn't; do we ever really know what Syed is up to?" Zainab scoffs.
"Mum, let him speak," Tamwar snaps. "Syed?"
"There's nothing to say," Syed mumbles.
"But you love Christian," he reminds him, his voice bewildered.
"We've got tables to set," Syed responds, attempting to walk past him.
"You do still love him?"
"Syed, do you?" Zainab angrily chimes in, when he doesn't respond.
"Yes," he mumbles miserably.
"So, why are you doing this?"
"I don't know," he says with a shrug of his shoulders.
As they watch him walk away, they realise that he is once again keeping them in the dark about something important.
#
"You bastard, you f**king bastard," Roxy screams from across the Square when she spots Syed coming out of the Argee Bhajee that evening.
Doing his best to ignore the curious stares of everyone around them, he waits for her to march across to give him a piece of her mind.
"The way you've treated Christian is disgusting," she shouts in his face. "I always knew you'd let him down one day; didn't expect you to sell yourself to the highest bidder, though – hey everyone, here's Syed the gigolo, living it up in a penthouse with some shitty banker only a few months after getting married.
"I didn't mean to hurt him," Syed says quietly.
"Bullshit, you've spent most of your relationship dithering, not wanting to commit; he's never known where he stood with you. You never truly loved him the way he deserved to be loved."
"I'm sorry."
"You will be, believe me," she hisses. "By the time I'm finished with you, you'll be back on the vodka and pills."
"Roxy, please," Syed says shakily, the colour draining from his face; he nervously looks around him at the small crowd gathering.
"You couldn't even manage to commit suicide properly," she bluntly spells it out for their audience. "Everything you touch goes wrong; everyone who gets close to you ends up regretting it; you're poison," she spits the words in his face.
"Rox, that's enough," Alfie steps in. He drags her away; and Syed quickly walks away in the opposite direction, his head down. He manages to make it back to the apartment without running into anyone else.
Later that night
"Rough day, or are you having another go at the silent treatment?" Danny asks, when he sits pushing his food around his plate.
"It was fine," Syed responds, "I'm just a bit tired, that's all."
"Well, I suppose it's understandable," Danny grins, and Syed blushes.
"I met your aunt Nicki," he offers, mainly for something to say.
"You didn't say anything to her, did you?" Danny asks sharply. "She thinks she has the right to know my business."
"I didn't say anything," Syed assures.
"Good; I don't want her to know … she wouldn't understand."
"Blackmail isn't very complicated, I would have thought," he says quietly.
"You say one word …"
"Yes, I know what you'll do; you've made yourself more than clear on that point."
To avoid an argument, they eat in silence; and after what feels like an appropriate amount of time has passed, Syed gets up and takes his plate to the kitchen. Once there, he finds he doesn't want to return to the table. He feels so lonely, so miserable; the feeling reminds him of when he first arrived in Leeds all those years ago. It had surprised him back then how much he missed affection, kind words, hugs. "Christian spoilt me," he thinks with a sad smile. "Even when things were difficult between us, he was still all over me all the time." Thinking about Christian leads him to Roxy and his run in with her earlier. He recalls see her face, filled with hatred; the horrible words pouring from her; bringing up the past and his terrible sin against God and nature. He thinks of his mum's anger and disgust at his treatment of Christian, his brother's disappointment. He can well imagine what his dad will say, once she tells him about his eldest son's latest effort to disappoint them. "Once again, I've let everybody down," he thinks wretchedly.
"Are you missing him?" Danny asks softly, coming up behind him as he stands, head bowed, deep in thought with his hands resting on the kitchen counter top.
Sliding his arms around his waist, Danny presses his mouth against the exposed area of his neck.
"Danny, I can't do this," Syed says miserably. "I want to go back to live with my family."
"It's not really such a hardship, is it?" he murmurs; pressing more firmly against him, his hands reaching to undo the buttons on his jeans.
"Please don't," Syed says unhappily. "I can't … not now."
Ignoring him, Danny slips a hand inside his jeans, cupping him.
Syed inhales sharply, as darts of pleasure shoot through him at the touch; every unhappy thought in his head is instantly obliterated. His focus is now firmly fixed on what Danny's hand is doing; on the sensation of Danny's breath on his neck, and on Danny's other hand moving up under his t-shirt and over the sensitive muscles of his stomach towards his chest. Of its own violation, Syed's head turns, his mouth searching for Danny's. The kiss quickly grows frenzied, and then Danny is urgently pushing him forward so that his upper body is fully over the worktop; he impatiently pushes his head down onto the hard surface, whilst roughly nudging his legs apart.
And Syed no longer cares about anyone or anything.